“Clear,” a voice shouts.
No. Not again. Let me go. Let me fly into the sky. Zap. Zap. Again. My heart starts pounding against my ribs. The sensation is so harsh I feel as though someone is using a hammer on the inside of my body.
“We have a pulse.”
I’m going to live. I have to live before I die. I recite Sammy’s words, trying to believe in them. I don’t want to open my eyes. I don’t want to see where I am. I don’t want to believe what I’m going through.
Darkness overcomes me again. But there is no light shining from above this time. I hear words muttering over a loud reverberating chime. “We lost her again.”
***
Beeping noises sting my ears. Chatter and footsteps flow alongside of me. The smell is too familiar. It makes me feel sick. It smells like a house cleaner. I want to scream. I want to see where I am. But I can’t. My eyelids are too heavy, and my throat is blocked.
I move my hands from side to side, feeling for a hint. Although, I don’t need one. I know where I’ve reset myself to. I know this is just starting all over again. I’m back in the institution. Back with this stupid tube down my throat. Back to my cold miserable life without Alex. The pill just gave me a second chance in hell.
Maybe it was supposed to work differently than it did. But my life wasn’t meant to be good. My life was meant for the dark. For the cold. For the hate.
Cold fingertips sweep over my knuckles and it makes me shiver. “Chloe, sweetheart?” Sounds like my mother. But the soft soothing tone in her voice isn’t familiar. She wraps her hand around mine and squeezes gently before placing a kiss on my forehead. “I love you, sweetheart. Mommy will be right here when you wake up.”
Mommy? She loves me? Can’t be my mother.
Darkness pulls me back in.
The beach. My beach. Our beach. I love this place, but it feels unfamiliar this time. I’m walking along the shore. I see Alex up ahead, but he isn’t looking at me. Or is he? I speed up, looking right at him. But he walks by me, looking at me out of the corner of his eye. Does he not know me?
I turn around and yell his name. “Alex? Can you see me?”
He stops and turns around to face me. “You remember me?” he asks, along with the sound of a crashing wave.
“How could I not?” I ask, walking toward him with a large smile.
As our shadows crash into each other and his hands reach for mine, light blinds my eyes. I cover my face, shielding the painful burn.
I blink my eyes, forcing them open. I see three lights dangling over my head. The fluorescent glow blinds me from seeing anything else. I continue blinking from the painful glare.
“Chloe?” Dad? I still can’t speak. “Chlover-Belle, sweetheart, can you hear me? It’s Daddy.” Daddy? I haven’t called him that…Oh. Wait. I remember calling him that.
I remember.
I remember everything.
I remember going to school. With Alex. He’s my best friend. I remember my mom being a good mom. My dad being a good dad. I remember going to a birthday party with Alex and his parents. I remember getting into the car with him to go home after the party. I remember the headlights. They blinded me. I remember that loud crunching noise, and my head slamming into a window. I remember blood and shrill screams. I remember sirens. I remember seeing the light that felt more welcoming than the pain I was in. I remember trying to breathe, but choking on my own breath. I remember feeling as though I fell out of a tree, but it was my head against a window instead. I remember being lost in my own head. I remember the rest of my life. A life I’m not sure I’ve lived yet.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE:
REDO
A TUBE SCRAPES against my throat, and I gag in response. My throat feels the way it has so many times. Like sandpaper. The lights above me flicker off.
I can see.
My body feels light. And little.
I look down and my legs are half the size I remember them. My arms as well. My fingers are small. I’m a child. But my mind still feels as though it’s twenty-four.
My mother hovers over me. “Chloe, can you see me, sweet-girl?” Sweet-girl?
“Yes,” I say. My voice is unfamiliar. It’s the voice that belongs to a child.
She’s crying. Crying over me.
“What happened?”
My mother sobs into her arm. She’s nearly hysterical. “Oh, baby. I thought I was going to lose you. I was so scared. You were in a very terrible car accident with Alex, his parents and Celia. Do you remember?”
I do remember. I remember more than a car accident. Was none of it real? Was I dreaming? How can a dream last for fifteen years? That’s impossible. Isn’t it? And then I remember Alex telling me how a dream can seem like a movie in your head. It may cover the span of fifteen years, but the actual length of the movie might only be an hour and a half. Was the dream my future? Or was it a nightmare? I hope it was a nightmare. But then, the parts that were a dream: Alex. Was that real? Did we get married and have a baby? Were we both broken forever? Franco, what about him?
“Yes,” I say. “Am I okay?”
“You are all going to be just fine,” she says with a forced smile. She looks like she’s having a hard time looking at me. What do I look like? Am I deformed? Did my face get cut to pieces?
I place my small hands over my cheeks, feeling for something unfamiliar. But my entire face is unfamiliar. I haven’t felt this face in what seems like fifteen years. How did my mind distort my life so traumatically? I feel smooth skin up to my hairline. Then my fingers run over gauze. The gauze covers my entire head. It makes me nervous. It makes my stomach hurt. What happened to my head?
Did she say we were ‘all’ going to be fine? “All?” I ask.
I turn my head to the side looking across the room, but there is a curtain on the other side of where my mother is standing. I furrow my eyebrows, confused by my surroundings. The curtain flies open.
“About time you woke up. It’s been so boring without you.” Blonde curly hair, blue eyes, freckles in all the right places.
“Alex?” I say softly.
“Chloe?” He mimics me. “What…did you go and die on me or something?” He giggles.
Does he remember? Is he aware of the life we lived together in a future that is becoming more surreal by the minute?
“But . . . ” I clear the pain in my throat. “Do you remember—were you?” I’m not sure how to ask him if he remembers what happened in my mind.
“We’re best friends, Chloe. Sometimes best friends can be in each other’s dreams. Right?”
“A dream?”
“It was a little more than a dream, huh?” he says knowingly.
He knows. He remembers?
“Second chances?” he questions me.
“Second chances,” I repeat.
“We’re okay now. We’re more than okay,” he says.
But how? We were still in an accident. The accident that caused Alex to become the way he was. How did that just change? I look away from Alex and I see a young girl sitting in the corner of the room. Who is that?
She looks over at me with a scared look. My memory flashes with an image of Kiera. It’s Kiera. Now I remember. Her arm is in a cast. Was she hurt too?
“Kiera?” She looks up at me with red eyes and rosy cheeks.
“Are you okay?” her trembling voice asks.
“I don’t know,” I respond honestly.
“I’m sorry my daddy hurt you,” she says.
“Your daddy?” I question. Should I even know about him?
My mother places a hand on Kiera’s shoulder and nods her head. “I’ll explain it, sweetie.”
What’s going on? How did James, Franco, Simon or Tomas hurt me? I killed him. Didn’t I?
My mother sits down on the edge of the bed and places her hand over mine. “Sweetie. James, who is Kiera’s biological father and my brother, was the person who caused the car accident. You’ve never met him, sweetheart. He wasn’t a good per
son. He had a lot of problems and he’s hurt a lot of people.” Why was Kiera even with him then?
I know I look confused, and it’s enough to prod my mother for more information. “He took Kiera from the birthday party you were all at. She didn’t want to go with him. But he wasn’t very nice to her, and he made her go.”
“Is Kiera my cousin?” I already know this to be true. I already know a lot more than I should know. And I still don’t know how.
“Yes, Kiera is your cousin. Do you remember now?” I don’t remember that. Or maybe I do.
“Yes,” I say, hoping to avoid more explanations of what I already know.
“Kiera was wearing her seatbelt, thank God.” My mother looks over at Kiera and waves her over.
“Is he—“ My voice crackles in a high-pitched sound. I sound so little. So young and unfamiliar.
“Uncle James didn’t make it, Chloe. He has gone up to heaven,” she says, with a tear falling from her eye.
“My daddy won’t be able to hurt me again,” Kiera smiles gently. She looks unsure of her smile, of her happiness. As if she shouldn’t be happy about finding out her father just died. But if her father resembles Franco in any way, I can understand her happiness.
Did he die because of me? Did my killing him in my mind have anything to do with what was happening in real life? I know my intention was to kill the demon within my own mind, and I suppose he would have been the demon within my life if he lived.
“Is Alex okay?” My thoughts startle me. I remember the outcome of the car accident. I remember how his brain became damaged causing his life to spiral into silence and incomprehension.
“Chloe, I can hear you.” Alex laughs from the bed next to mine. “I’m okay now and so are you.” He smiles.
Does he know what I know? Did he see what I saw? Did he experience what I lived through? Or would have lived through?
My dad walks back into the room followed by a couple of doctors. I hear him explaining what happened when I woke up. “Is she going to be okay, Doctor?”
“Well, let me take a look at her, sir,” the doctor says.
He points a light into my eyes and flicks it on and off. “We’ll have to do another MRI Scan before we have any further information,” he says to my dad.
I can’t quite figure out what happened to me. What’s happening to me, or what is going to happen to me? Did I drift into the future? Did I drift back to the past? Did I drift at all?
“Chlover-Belle, they’re going to do a couple more tests on you. But you know what, you are awake now. And that’s all that matters to me, sweetie. You gave Mommy and Daddy quite a scare. We almost lost you a couple of times. You’ve been out cold for hours.”
Hours? It’s only been hours? How did I experience fifteen years of living in only a few hours? My mind doesn’t feel like a child’s mind. My mind feels experienced, like an adult’s mind.
“Mr. and Mrs. Valcourt, could I have a word with you for a moment please?” The doctor waves my parents out into the hallway.
“I’m going to go find my mom in the waiting room, Chloe. I’ll be right back,” Kiera says, following my parents out the door.
Alex hops down from his bed and comes over to sit on my bed. I’m not sure what to say to him. I’m scared that he doesn’t remember anything that happened in my mind. I’m scared that I imagined all of that. My heart still aches.
He places his hand over my knee. I look at it, study it. I see the same freckles on his knuckles that I’ve become familiar with. But I only became familiar with them as I lived like an adult. Would a child notice such detail?
“I remember,” he says.
“You remember?”
“My mind doesn’t feel like it should. I feel like I’m thinking as an adult. Is that how you feel?” he asks.
“Yes, but how?” I ask.
“Something happened during the accident. I was unconscious too and I almost died.”
“Are your parents okay?” I ask, hoping that their death wasn’t true.
“Yes. They will be okay. They are both in intensive care upstairs. Aunt Celia is okay too. She should be back any minute now. She was lucky. Only needed some stitches.”
“Oh. That’s good.” I want to be happy that everything is okay. But I still don’t understand anything.
“Chloe, we’re special. You know that, right?”
“Yes. We can…drift?” I ask, questioning if that word means anything to him.
“Right. But, we don’t need to anymore. We drifted because we were running away from a cruel reality. You got rid of Franco, right?”
I nod, ashamed of my actions.
“Chloe, his demise took the place of ours. Basically, your dream of the future changed the past. Now, everything is the way it should be.” He jumps up from my bed with a spring in his step, childlike. Because…we are children, again.
“So, was it all real?” I ask as he climbs back into his bed.
“The good parts,” he says surely.
“Sammy?” The word takes my breath away. I left him behind or . . . ahead, I guess.
“Someday,” he says.
“How do you know?”
“I just know.” He shrugs.
“This is kind of weird. Ya know, knowing?”
“It’s better than the alternative.” He gives me a side smile. He’s right about that. He presses a button on the side of his bed and a buzzing noise follows. A young nurse who looks like Charlie bounces into the room. “You’re awake, Chloe?” Her voice sounds like Charlie’s too. She’s just so much younger. “I’m nurse Charlie.” It is her.
I bob my head up and down, agreeing with her statement.
“I’m so happy to see you’re doing better. We were all quite worried about you.” She smiles and walks behind me to fluff my pillow. “Alex did you click your buzzer?”
“How about some ice cream?” He asks with a greedy smile.
She giggles and nods her head dismissively at him with a smirk. “Okay, I’ll see what I can do. But don’t go telling all the other kids around here. I’ll get in trouble.”
“Thank you,” Alex squeals with delight.
Everyone in my drift or dream was real in some way. They were more than just in my mind; they’re all part of my heart too.
My parents return with a couple of doctors. “Chloe, it’s time to take a magic picture of your brain,” one of the doctors says.
They roll my bed away from Alex, and I look at him, scared to leave his side again. I’m afraid he’ll be gone when I get back. He’s my only comfort right now. He’s the only thing keeping my head straight from all of these mixed thoughts. He’s my only solid foundation. My constant.
“I’ll see you when you get back, Chloe. I’ll save your ice cream for you,” he shouts. “I’ll try anyway.” I hear his giggles from down the hallway.
A man passes by me on the way. A man who looks like a younger version of Dr. Greene. He’s wearing a straightjacket. His eyes are dark and his hair is everywhere. He looks at me knowingly while passing by. And suddenly I know everything is the way it should be.
Two large doors glide open, revealing a large tunnel-like contraption. It looks like it could eat me.
“I know it looks scary, but I promise it’s just a large camera,” the doctor says.
Loud banging noises echo within the machine, and it’s hurting my ears. They tell me to keep my eyes open and look at the picture of Mickey Mouse on the top of the machine.
I focus on the drumming noises and listen for the rhythmic beat. My ears start to feel numb from the sound and I begin to feel tired again. Just as I feel like I might fall asleep, the machine turns off and the light disappears. The table I’m on slides forward and I’m pulled off of the machine and placed back on the bed.
The doctors meet with my parents in the corner of the room while a nurse makes me comfortable again. But they’re close enough that I can hear what they’re saying.
“The good news is that it looks like the
bleeding has stopped, which means her likelihood of falling back into a coma has diminished.”
“Thank God,” my mom cries into her hands, falling into my dad.
“But, I fear that Chloe might have experienced some episodes of lucid dreaming over the past day.”
“What does that mean?” my father asks.
“It means that the lateral prefrontal cortex was not working properly. In other words, dreaming and her sense of logic were working together at the same time. Usually it’s one or the other—dreaming while asleep and logic when awake. When they occur at the same time, a person has the ability to recognize that they are in a dream. Sometimes these dreams can seem as though they last for years when in reality it has only been a couple of hours.”
“I see,” my father responds. He looks confused, but I understand exactly what the doctor just explained.
“It can be quite scary for a child to experience lucid dreaming. A child’s mind is more creative than an adult’s mind. They have the ability to utilize more parts of their brain than the average adult. This also allows them to imagine far more than you could ever imagine. Those memories might stick with her, if she in fact did experience this. If that’s the case, we’ll want to have her see a child psychologist. But, if a few memories are the worst of her injuries, we should all be thankful.” The doctor walks over to me and places his hand over my shoulder. “Looks like you’re going to be okay, kiddo. We’re going to be sending you home with your parents tomorrow.” He smiles. And my parents are smiling from across the room.
I will never tell them about my dream. Ever.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR:
A CHILD’S STATE OF MIND
I HEAR FEET padding along the wooden floors, running in circles. It wakes me from my nap. The doctor suggested I take little catnaps during the day to help heal my injuries. He said soon I’ll be as good as new. But he doesn’t know that I still have the mind of a twenty-four-year-old. My secret and Alex’s.
I press my hands onto the floor around me and push my body up. I hear teacups clinking against glass. I hear the laughter flowing from the other room. We came over to Alex’s house a few hours ago. It’s weird; I haven’t been in his room since before the accident.
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