Coming Alive: Welcome to Carson, Book One

by Renee Harless

“Nope, you haven’t stopped smiling since we got here.”

  That much is true, except for her moment in line at the Ferris wheel, but Nikki wasn’t there to witness that course of events.

  Intent on not sharing her feelings, Avery turns away from Nikki and stares out the window while saying, “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  Put out, Nikki huffs and starts the car before heading back home towards the apartment.

  They both enter the residence, lost in their own thoughts, as they make their way to their prospective bedrooms.

  The next morning Avery wakes early after a fitful night of sleep. Dreams of Logan plagued her throughout the night and she couldn’t fight off the nightmares. Sitting up in bed Avery thinks back to the visions. They would start off the same; Logan and she would be in bed, him kissing and caressing every inch of her body, leaving no spot untouched. Then the moment before she would reach her pinnacle, the dream would shade to darkness and switch to another vision, one that just thinking about while awake sends shivers down her spine. Logan was lying on the medical building’s floors, clutching at a knife wedged deep in his chest, but every time he would touch the cold steel, the knife sank further into his skin.

  So messed up!

  Avery shakes her head, trying to rid herself of the gruesome and somber thoughts. Before bed she had considered giving things a go with Logan, but now she was seriously considering removing him from her life completely. Not after remembering the things that happen to the people she loves. She can’t risk his life like that.

  Making her way to the kitchen in some serious need of coffee, Avery practically drops her mug when an urgent knock on the door distracts her. She checks the clock on the wall first, 6:00am, and notices Nikki’s door is still shut.

  She checks the peephole first and flings the door open-wide when she finds a frantic Logan waiting on the other side.

  “Logan, what are you…” she begins to say, but is silenced as his lips press earnestly against her own.

  He pulls away once, and releases one word after another between kisses, “I…Needed…To…See…You.”

  Loving the feel of his kiss, she indulges him momentarily, not caring in the slightest that she has on old boxer shorts and a t-shirt, her hair rumpled from sleep, and is certain she has a terrible case of morning breath. No, his kiss works better than any coffee she could have ever concocted.

  Knowing she needs to slow things down she steps back from Logan, but keeps her hands resting on his chest.

  “Logan, what’s going on?” she inquires, her eyes darting back and forth, looking into his.

  He takes one of his hands from her hips and runs his fingers through his unruly dark hair. As he struggles to streamline his breathing, Avery takes in his appearance. He looks gorgeous, as always, in dark denim and a burgundy long-sleeved fitted shirt, but his face looks tired, and his eyes look poignant, almost frightened. He walks past her and leans against their kitchen counter, eyes cast to the floor.

  “I don’t mean to barge in on you like this. I just…,” he says as he runs his hands through his hair one more time, shaking his head in disbelief, then looks in her direction, “You’re going to think I’m crazy. I had a dream about you last night. It started off really hot. Like, wow, kind of hot. And then it just switched, like that,” he snaps his fingers to emphasize his point, but dread already fills Avery’s tired bones.

  “Then I just see flashes of images – me lying in a pool of blood on the office floor with a knife in my chest, you saving me by pulling the knife out, and then you stabbing yourself with the knife; fucking Romeo and Juliet shit. I tried to wake up then, I’m sure I was fucking screaming, but I couldn’t open my eyes. The last thing I saw was a bird on fire - a phoenix, I think. I’m so messed up about this, Avery. I don’t ever dream when I sleep, at least not to the point where I actually remember them.”

  Turning to face her, his alarm rises when he takes in her expression.

  “Hey, why did you get so pale? Are you alright?”

  He walks over to where she stands, perched on the back of the couch, and places his strong hands on both of her cheeks, running his thumbs along her cheek bones.

  Avery swallows hard before allowing the words to trail past her lips. “I had the same dream,” she whispers. “That’s crazy, right? I mean I only had the vision of you, none of the others, but it’s freaking weird. You think it’s weird, right?”

  “I do, but right now I just want to hold you, please? I know you don’t want more, but I need to feel you in my arms.”

  She doesn’t respond, instead wraps her arms tightly around his waist and holds on tight.

  No place else I would rather be. Except...

  “Do you want to try to get some sleep? I didn’t sleep well either,” Avery says, fighting unsuccessfully to hold back a yawn, unable to process the words escaping her mouth until it’s too late. “Um, what I mean is..,”

  “Avery, I would love to lay with you. I could use a few more hours.”

  Nodding her head, she steps away from his warm embrace and guides him to her bedroom. As she pulls back the covers from her freshly made bed, he works at removing his socks and shoes. When she turns to move to her normal side of the bed she catches herself staring at his muscular chest, abs, and arms.

  Holy cow.

  Logan has the body of a god. I mean, I knew he was muscular, but my goodness, I was severely underestimating him. And what is that a six, no, make that an eight pack? I didn’t even know those existed.

  She drops her gaze quickly and skirts around the bed, hoping to all that is Holy he doesn’t notice the blood rushing to her cheeks or that she has to raise her hand to her chin to wipe away any drool.

  As Avery tucks herself under the covers and settles into place, Logan looks at her and nods to the button of his jeans, his fingers placed on either side of the metal, silently asking permission to remove the article of clothing. She nods quickly and finds herself blushing again, so she buries herself deep into the soft sheets and down comforter.

  Logan’s jeans glide down his legs and pool at his feet, revealing a pair of black boxer briefs and toned, muscular legs. He bends down to grab his pants and places them on the chair with his shirt and then struts his way over to the empty side of the bed.

  Slinking into the sheets, Logan pulls the sheets up around him and turns his head to look at her. Avery continues to look at the ceiling, silently willing him to turn away from her.

  "You ok?"

  "No, I'm not," she breathes, struggling to hold back frightened tears.

  "Look, let's get a couple hours of sleep and then we can search the internet on dream meanings, ok? Even though it freaked me out too, I know that what you dream about is just a metaphor for something else; it's not a prediction of the future."

  Angrily, Avery swipes at the few tears that managed to break away.

  "You don't know that, Logan! I can't do it again."

  "Do what, Avery? I know you're scared. I was scared too, but it was just a dream."

  The waterfall of tears continues to cascade down her cheeks unchecked; the feeling of loss so utterly powerful that she can't control her reaction.

  "Come here, baby," Logan whispers, tugging her into his arms and resting her head on his shoulder.

  He murmurs words of assurance into her ear, with the hope to calm her down and it works. Her breaths turn shallow and she relaxes into Logan’s warm hold.

  They wake three hours later, to the sound of front door slamming. When she opens her eyes, Avery is met with a beautiful pair of hazel irises. Reaching up with her hand, before she has the chance for her mind to take over, she runs her fingers softly along Logan's jaw of scruff. She had assumed it would have felt bristly, but is pleasantly surprised by its softness.

  A moan rumbles low in her throat when Logan's fingers run through her hair and Avery can feel a certain part of him, an already large part, begin to grow against her thigh.

  Goodness, he's b
ig.

  "If you keep making noises like that and looking at me that way I won't be able to control myself."

  Quickly moving her hand from his chin, Avery placed it back on his chest, hoping it is a safer territory. It's not. When her fingertips brush across his pectorals, a muffled growl grows from deep in his chest and she finds herself suddenly resting on her back with Logan hovering above her, his now generous member pressing against her stomach.

  A look crosses his face, a look she hasn't seen before, but it instantly heats her from the inside.

  "Avery, I'm going to kiss you now and then you're going to tell me why I'm not supposed to do it again, got it?"

  Not offering a chance for her to reply, Logan pursues her mouth as if it's his last meal. At his insistence, Avery opens her mouth to his explorative tongue and meets his every movement. But true to his word they only kiss, even though Logan could overpower her easily and take what he wanted without much fight. His kiss turns her on more than anything she has ever experienced.

  When Logan pulls away, Avery has a hard time deciphering the time, it feels like they had been kissing for ages by the bruising she could feel forming on her lips, but at the same time, it feels like time had halted, that there was no one else but them.

  "Avery, I need to know why we can't be more than friends."

  "Why?" Avery asks irritably. "That's all I can offer you right now or maybe ever."

  "Is it me? You just don't want to date me?" he demands, rising from the bed and moving to the chair to pull on his clothes.

  Well this morning has definitely taken a turn.

  Sitting up in bed, Avery says to him in annoyance, "No, it's not you. It's not anyone. It's me. I'm not ready. I may never be."

  Tugging on his shoes, he comes to stand beside the bed, resting his hands beside her, bringing his face close to hers.

  "Then tell me why, Avery. I know you feel this between us. I'm not even romantic and I know that we have something special. Fuck, Avery, I knew you were special when I saw you through the window the night you arrived. I mean, I'm going against everything I ever said about woman because I want this with you. So please, tell me why. Tell me what I have to do."

  "I'm not ready, Logan," Avery chokes, a muffled sob escaping, "It hurts. It hurts too much to talk about."

  Standing up from the bed, Logan moves to her bedroom door, but turns one more time and asks, "Will you ever be ready, Avery?"

  Choking on another howl of despair, Avery replies lightly, "I don't know."

  Logan hastily nods his head once, a look of confusion and rejection crossing his face, before opening her bedroom door to exit.

  He must have run into Nikki in the hallway, because Avery hears him say that she may need her.

  As the front door closes, Nikki rushes into Avery’s bedroom and holds her close as she continues weeping helplessly.

  "It hurts," Avery cries between hiccups. "It hurts so much."

  "That's because you guys have something special. I told you that from the get-go. Anyone around you could see it. Don't worry, Avery. It'll all work out. I promise."

  Nikki leaves briefly to grab some tissues from the bathroom and wipes Avery’s eyes; she listens to Avery’s dream and offers some insight from a psychology class she had taken in High School.

  “Knife dreams - stabbings in particular - can symbolize, guilt, conflict, resistance. Your dream could mean that you feel guilty for wanting to pursue something with Logan and that you’re angry about having to upend your life.”

  “So… it’s not so cut and dry?”

  “No, dreams never are.”

  Nikki tucks a piece of hair behind her ear and sighs, then divulges a secret of her own, "Austin told me he doesn't want to be exclusive."

  "Why?" Avery gasps, momentarily distracted from the ache in her chest.

  "He just said he wasn't ready. Whatever,” Nikki said, rolling his eyes, “He's almost thirty. I think he's scared."

  "I'm so sorry, Nikki. Logan said he acted differently with you."

  "Oh, I know. I'm pretty observant. Austin doesn't realize that I know how he usually is and he wasn't like that with me. So I decided I'm going to have a broken heart day. Want to join me?"

  Wiping her nose, Avery nods her head in agreement.

  "Yes, please."

  Helping her from the bed, Nikki mumbles seemingly to herself as she helps her make the bed.

  "You need to tell him, Avery. He deserves to know."

  Avery doesn't respond. Instead, she follows Nikki to the living room and plants herself on the couch for the next five hours, indulging herself in chocolate cake and chick flicks.

  TWO WEEKS PASS AND Avery tries to find a moment at work to speak to Logan, though, in all honesty, she hasn’t tried very hard. She can tell he has been avoiding her, seemingly buried under work when she would be just about to ask for a minute of his time… but she knew better. She would have avoided her too, she supposes, especially with the way she led him on and then ended things.

  As she stands in the hall, contemplating her next move and making notations in a patient record, Dr. Fields pulls her aside and asks her how she thinks the job is going. Avery discloses to him that she’s happy, but she knows he is afraid she may up and go at any moment. It's not like she doesn't have the income to do so if she wanted. But what he doesn’t realize is that she doesn't want the money, though she has had a few ideas regarding how to use it. Trying to ease Dr. Fields’ apprehension, Avery brings forth her thoughts.

  "Dr. Fields, is there a reason no one has pursued opening a pediatric clinic in the town? I mean, with the way it's growing, it seems like a good solution for your influx of patients."

  "We've looked into it, but the startup money is a bit more than we can invest right now. We even have a building in mind that is due to be torn down soon - an old school about two blocks down on Main Street - but it would need extensive work.” He sighs. “We really could use the help though. We are seeing more and more kids these days, and pediatrics isn’t any of our specialties."

  "Please keep this private, but what if I was looking to invest in a pediatric facility. Would you be able to help me navigate through all of it?"

  "Absolutely, Avery. If it's really something you think you want to do, I can have the contractor we've been speaking with give you a call."

  "Yes, please. This is definitely something I would like to spend that trust on."

  "Well, I'll keep it to myself until you let me know otherwise. Now, do you need a ride home today?"

  "No, sir. I picked up my new car yesterday evening. An Audi SUV. It’s so pretty."

  "I saw it out in the lot when I arrived this morning; suits you. We'll I'm off, don't stay too long."

  "I won't. Have a good night, Al."

  Dr. Fields waves as he walks out the office and luckily, after ten minutes, Avery is leaving behind him.

  She spots Logan in the parking lot and she waves in his direction, the look on his face is one of irritation so she knows now isn't the time to speak with him.

  "Nice car," he shouts across the lot.

  "Thanks."

  He quickly slides into his vehicle, halting any further conversation. Following his lead, Avery piles herself into the driver seat of her new vehicle and drives back to her apartment, downtrodden. She had been hoping to have rectified her situation with Logan at this point, but nothing seems to be working in her favor.

  When Avery arrives at the apartment complex, she finds that Nikki hasn't arrived yet, so she stops and picks up the mail. Opening the front door, Avery slips on an envelope that had been slid under their door, almost tumbling to the ground as she reaches for the wall. Retrieving the ill-fated item from the floor, Avery glides her finger under the flap to open the package and takes out a large, stapled pile of papers. Amongst the legal-looking paper work is a letter - in her grandmother's perfect cursive handwriting.

  Avery,

  I hope this letter finds you well, and if it has, that means
that I have passed. My attorney suggested that I write this to you as I finalized my will, so here it is.

  Seeing her grandmother ramble on in letterform, or any form really, is not something Avery had ever expected.

  I need to apologize for a lot, or really, for everything. You never deserved to have me treat you the way that I had when you were growing up. I let my shame rule our household and I took my daughter's mistakes out on you. Words can't express how completely sorry I am for that.

  A little late for that grandmother.

  We did love you, your grandfather and me. I'm sure you'll never believe that and I understand if you don’t. I've kept an eye on you when you left with Aria and Mila. I hope you're enjoying Carson.

  I was at both Mila and Aria's funerals. I never wanted you to see, so I hid. Losing Aria was a heartbreaking day and I knew at that moment that I needed to make amends somehow.

  Now seems a bit late, I know.

  You were always the brave one and I have no doubt that you will continue to be so. I'm not asking for your forgiveness, I know I don't deserve it after the way I treated you and your sister.

  All I ask is that you live your life. I didn't, and I regret every moment of it.

  I'm sorry for all the things you've had to endure, more than most, but you're strong, Avery, and you deserve the moon and the stars.

  Don't think of me. Don't think of your mother. Think of you. Think of Mila and Aria. Think of Nick and Declan (yes, I know about them, too.). They would want you to have everything you wanted.

  Make yourself happy. We all love you,

  Your Grandmother Poindexter

  P.S. Inside my will, which you need to take to a lawyer, is your father's name and address. I kept up with him too. It’s nice to have a private investigator in the family. From what I know he never knew about you, so please don't be angry at him. He has a wonderful family that can give you all the love we never provided. It's up to you.

  An onslaught of emotions races through Avery, scattering her thoughts every which way, as she rushes across the apartment. She tosses the letter and the will onto her bed before fleeing back outside to her car.