by P. J. Belden
He threw me to the bed and I hit hard enough that I bounced off, landing hard on the floor. I cried out at the shooting pain that shot up my spine. The pain was bad enough that I couldn’t move for a moment. When I started to move, I felt his hand on me. I had to fight. What other choice did I have, really?
He kicked me to the floor and held his knee on my throat as he ripped my sweats and underwear off me. I tried to scream and move him. It was so hard to breathe; I knew I had to do something drastic. With all my might, I hit him where it counted. He grunted and doubled over holding himself. I gasped for air when he fell off of me. It didn’t hold him down long enough.
His fist hit my face with enough force that my head bounced off the floor. The next thing I knew, he was above me grunting as he yet again took what he wanted from me. He held my arms firmly above my head. No matter how much I moved, I couldn’t get away. I cried. The tears never stopped him, but I couldn’t hold them at bay.
The pain was indescribable. It was like being torn in two. An invasion of the worst kind. With every thrust, I shut down more and more. With every attack, I lost more and more of me. With every day that passed as he taunted me or hurt me, I died more and more.
He finished and threw my clothes at me, commanding me to get dressed. I hurriedly did so – I wanted him gone. The sooner he was out of my room, the better.
I could hear someone coming up the hall. It was Carson and Eli. He sat me down at my desk and told me to act like I was studying. When the door opened, I prayed my brothers would open their eyes and see what happened.
“What the hell are you doing in here?” Eli yelled.
“Kay asked a question about her homework and I was helping her,” he answered coolly.
I prayed that they didn’t believe him. Alex was standing in the way of them so I couldn’t see him. When they started talking about the game coming up, I knew they believed him. Soon, they were all walking out the door together. Eli even believed him, and he didn’t even like Alex.
I cried again. The tears I cried this time were not for the act, but for what was left when he was done - nothing. There was nothing left of me. That night showed me that no matter what, I would always be at Alex’s mercy. Everyone was in the house and no one saved me. No one looked closely enough to see what I couldn’t say. No one cared.
My door flew open and Alex strolled back over to me. I hunched down in my chair in fear of what was about to happen. When I saw the look in his eyes, I started crying and begging.
“Not again. Please…”
My pleas were cut short when he yanked me to standing by my hair. His fist was flying at my face again.
I flew up in bed screaming. My breathing was fast and shallow. The dizziness was intense, causing the room to spin. It was dark in the room and I couldn’t remember where I was. The bugs under my skin moved through me like I was still lost in those moments in my life.
“Sunshine?”
I jumped, realizing then where I was and who was talking to me. I turned slowly when he grunted while turning on a light.
“It was just a bad dream, sunshine. No one’s going to hurt you,” he spoke softly.
“I don’t get it. I never have those dreams when you hold me. This is the second time now that I’ve had a nightmare when I’m with you. I don’t understand,” I said, still breathless.
“I was in the bathroom when you were having your nightmare. Actually, that was where I was both times.”
I rubbed my head, trying to make sense of everything that was happening. It was then the smell of the room hit me. I groaned. It smelled similar to standing next to the garbage dump.
How did I sleep here for as long as I did?
I turned and looked at Jason. He must have read my mind because he soon asked if I wanted to leave.
Once we got outside, I realized that we had 2 vehicles. As quick as I was to drop him only hours earlier, I wanted to be with him then. There was a sense of security with him. When I was with him, I didn’t feel lost or empty. It scared me with how much I needed him, but when I looked at him, part of me thought he needed me too. Maybe just a little.
“Yeah, thanks. I’ll make sure it’s locked down and the alarm set. Later.”
I raised a brow at him as I only caught the end of his conversation.
“I called Mary, and she said she was just going to call the rental company to pick up the car. She just wants us to get all her stuff out for her.”
It only took a few minutes for us to get the things out of her car and into Jason’s. We walked back to the office to turn in the keys and inform them about the rental company picking up the car. The girl—and I said girl because she couldn’t have been much over eighteen—behind the counter beamed as Jason walked.
No. Please don’t do it. Please don’t… oh she did.
She pulled a strand of her hair to the front and started playing with it while batting her eyelashes, giggling. I rolled my eyes. Bending down to tie my shoe, I hear the conversation take hold.
“What time do you get done working?”
“I’m sorry, what?” asked a baffled Jason.
I giggled.
“I thought maybe we could get together when you are done with your shift.”
“Uh,” he clears his throat. “I’m not on shift. I think—”
“I get off in an hour. When you take care of that,” she points down at me, “we can take off.”
I stood up and started to walk out when Jason grabbed my arm and pulled me to his side, leaning down to whisper in my ear.
“What the hell is happening here?”
“You are being hit on, and I am the trash you need to take out so she can have her way with you,” I answered stiffly.
I could feel Jason stiffen next to me. He tipped my head up to look at him.
“Do not ever talk about yourself like that again. You are not nothing or trash as you called it. You are my everything.”
With that, he leaned down and kissed me. I guessed he forgot where we were. Forgetting was easy when his lips were on mine. It was only one of the things I loved about his kisses. He pulled back and rested his head against mine.
“Never again. You hear me?” He whispered.
I nodded my head – it was all I could do. He turned back to the girl behind the counter who still was flirting.
What the hell is wrong with this girl? Did she not just see him kiss me?
“My girlfriend is not trash. I came here to pick her up, not to collect her. You should really be careful who you flirt with. You could get yourself into serious trouble. If my daughter ever does that kind of stuff - no, she won’t ever do that kind of stuff, because she’ll have respect, common sense, and class!”
We left the office and a very stunned girl behind. Part of me wanted to feel bad for her, but what Jason said was true. That girl could approach the wrong guy and not see tomorrow. She needed to be careful. The thought of what that little girl could run into made me shudder.
Sitting in the car on the way back, my mind could not get off the last attack. Why in the hell would he come after me? It just didn’t make sense. He had been close to the family for years, and now this. How did he know about everything? Was he working with Alex? I groaned.
“What’s wrong?”
“I, uh, I was just thinking.”
“Not anything good by the sounds of it. Why don’t you just for now think about only happy things? Maybe taking your mind off everything will help.”
“Easy for you to say. You’re not involved in this,” I snapped.
Jason pulled over to the side of the road and got out. He walked over to my side, pulled open my door, and pulled me out of the car – I barely had time to get my seatbelt off. Once I was standing in front of him, he smashed his lips down onto mine. The kiss was intense, and I responded in seconds. He leaned into me, and I could feel his hardness pressed into me. The tension left my body, leaving behind a humming feeling that I’d never felt before. All the new feelings
and emotions that Jason caused me were a lot to get used to. Sometimes they were overwhelming.
Jason pulled back and lifted my face to look in my eyes. He was breathing heavily from the kiss. The way this man affected me still shocked me. He had me thinking about things I had never thought about before.
“Don’t you dare say I’m not involved in this. I’m with you, Kayla! What affects you affects me. If you think none of this kills me and scares the shit out of me, you’re wrong!”
“Then maybe you should leave. If I’m causing you so much trouble, then just let me leave.”
“Damn it, Kayla! I want to be with you. All the shit that is going on will be over soon and we will no longer have to look over our shoulders. We’ll be just you and me. I’m sorry if I worry that one morning I will wake up and I’ll have been too late to save you. I’m sorry if I worry I might lose you forever. Kay, you mean the world to me. If I lost you…” he trailed off.
The sadness on his face almost killed me. I knew how he felt because I felt the same about him. I knew that I loved him, but to tell him that was proving a lot harder than I thought it would. Every day I saw him, I wanted to scream it to him. Then something always seemed to happen or I would just plain freeze.
Maybe if he just said it first, I could say it back. Maybe in my mind, I just don’t want the rejection if he doesn’t feel the same way about me.
“I know. I feel the same. Jason, you don’t understand. Every time… every attack, I lose a piece of myself. I don’t have many pieces left. Why would you want to be around that?”
“Sunshine, you just don’t see yourself how I see you. Hell, not just me, but others too. You’re so much more than what Alex is doing to you. You’re broken, yes, but not beyond repair. Give me time. I’ll fix this and give you your life back.”
I nodded my head. What could I say to that? Of all the men in all the world, why did the most undamaged man have to want me? As we got back into the car, I suddenly remembered the first day after reporting about the rapes. He had been hurt - damaged in some way. I wondered if he would ever tell me. There was no way I was asking him. When it was me being questioned, I didn’t like it. He would tell me when he was ready. Whenever that was.
Closing my eyes, I needed to shut out the day. It was just too much in such a short time to process. I needed a break from everything to give my brain some time to reboot. My head was spinning with the most recent events, and still so many damn questions played in my head.
How did he know about everything?
Shooting up in my seat, when a sudden thought occurred to me.
“Son of a bitch!”
Jason jerked the car to the side suddenly and cursed.
“Are you okay?”
“No I need you to go to my dad’s office now!”
“Okay, but we are still about twenty minutes away.”
“Fine just get us there as fast as you can.”
Leaning back in my seat, I tried to calm my anger. Taking long deep breaths wasn’t helping with my anger at all. The longer I sat in the car, the more my anger built up in me. The twenty minutes that it took to get to the office only served to build my anger more. I jumped out of the car before Jason even had time to park.
I ran into the office. The secretary tried to stop me, but I wasn’t having it today either. She was already told by my dad that I could interrupt anytime. Well, I was just about to test that. I flung his door open and it banged off the wall. My father jumped and looked up from his desk. He smiled at me and started getting up from his desk.
“No. Get Elijah in here - now! Then stay on that side of the room.”
His smile faded and he nodded.
Jason came into the room, followed shortly by Elijah. I slammed the door shut. Everyone looked at me like I had grown two heads.
“When I came to you guys, you promised me that what I said in this office went no further than us. You want me to trust you; you want me to run to you when I need help. How the hell can I do that when I can’t even fucking trust you!” I screamed.
“Kayla, you need to calm down. What are you talking about? We haven’t spoken to anyone about this.”
“Bullshit! I was attacked because of it!”
“Kay, now that’s not fair. You know that Alex has been—”
“IT WASN’T ALEX!” I screamed at the top of my lungs.
Everyone stopped moving and stared at me. I could see Jason out of the corner of my eye and the anger was plain as day on his face. Eli walked up to me and put his hands on my shoulders. He started talking, but the rage that boiled in me was deafening. His mouth was moving, but I couldn’t hear any words. It happened in slow motion it seemed. My fist hit his stomach, and then my knee to his groin.
Jason got up and rushed to separate me from Eli, but I was pushed over the edge this time and I just wanted to hurt him. I was swinging, kicking, and screaming. It wasn’t until Jason groaned that I snapped out of my rage, realizing I had hurt him in the process. Tears immediately pooled in my eyes.
“I’m sorry Jason. I’m so sorry,” I whispered.
I looked at my brother and my father. It broke my heart to see what I had done. My life was spinning out of control and there seemed to be nothing I could do to stop it. I was just spinning out of control and no wall in sight.
“I’m going fucking crazy. You guys will have your proof soon. He didn’t use a condom.”
I turned and ran from the room. Never had there been a day in my life that I have been violent. I tried all those times that Alex would come around, but it had never been effective. Back there in my dad’s office, though, it was effective.
I am officially going crazy! I am losing my fucking mind. I attacked my fucking brother and hurt Jason! Oh God! I hurt Jason.
I continued to run, completely lost in thought. The surroundings were a blur and the sounds were distant. When my lungs burned, I stopped running. Looking around, I took in my surroundings, and realized I had no idea where I was. A little panic started to bubble to life.
Trees were to my left and a fence on my right. There was not a single house in sight. I was in the country; near farms.
How far did I run?
Not knowing where I was scared me. Feeling the pocket of my jeans, I felt my phone. A little bit of relief formed, but when I saw that there was no signal, that the little relief disappeared. I started walking back in the direction from whence I came.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
~JASON~
By the time I got outside, Kayla was nowhere in sight. She knew damn well I hated her running off like that. I got in the car and started to drive around looking for her, though I wasn’t sure where to look.
As the time passed and the sun set, I began to worry about her safety. What if I couldn’t find her? I had driven all over the fucking city and hadn’t had a single glimpse of her.
“Where the fuck are you?” I yelled.
Pulling up near her dad’s office, I looked around. Which way could she have gone? My phone scared me when it rang.
“Shit! Kayla, I have been searching everywhere for you. Where are you?”
There was no answer, but a crackling on the phone. I checked the phone to see if there was still a connection.
“Sunshine, please answer me. Where are you?”
“… Don’t… where… at… lost…”
“Kay, the connection is shit. Can you hear me at all?”
“Yes.”
Thank God! She can hear me.
After some very difficult conversations, I got the general idea of which direction she ran. Knowing that she was so far out scared me. This psycho—no apparently there are two psychos—was out there and on the loose.
After a few minutes of driving, I caught sight of someone walking in my headlights. I pulled over and put the car in park and got out. I watched as she turned around to start walking the other direction.
“Sunshine?”
She turned and ran toward me. I ran toward her, meeting
half way. Her arms flew around my neck mine around her waist. Holding her tightly, I began to walk us back to the car.
“I’m sorry Jason. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“Hey, I know you didn’t. Though, baby, I feel like you’re hiding something from me.”
“Jason please don’t ask me. Please, I beg you, don’t ask me.”
Why wouldn’t she tell me? Have I not proven that I was there for her and only her? The thought depressed me; she didn’t trust me.
“Jason, don’t. I know what you’re thinking. I trust you, but this… you need to see the facts before I talk about it. Please. I need you to trust me on this.”
I didn’t like that she couldn’t talk to me about it, but if this was the way she felt better playing it out, then I had no choice. Sighing, I nodded my head and helped her into the car.
The drive to her condo was quiet. We were both lost in our own swirling questions. My prominent thought was if she’d let me stay with her through the night. It was odd feeling that way, but I just felt better knowing that I was next to her at night. That night with her by my side in the hospital was the best night’s sleep I’d had in a long time.
Pulling up to her condo, I got out and tried to brace myself for her to tell me it was time to go home. As much as I was trying to prepare myself, it was going to be hard when she said it, no matter what. In such a short amount of time, I had become attached to her. We walked up to her door in silence, each of us carrying some of her sister’s things.
Mary greeted us at the door, and I carried what I had inside, setting it on the table. Mary was talking to Kayla. I stood there for a few minutes waiting, but when Kayla made no attempt to ask me to stay I headed out the door. My heart grew heavier with each step I took away from her. In my head, I told myself that I would come back the following morning. Part of me worried though, that this was the beginning of the end.
Opening and closing my car door was like pushing the knife all the way into my heart. As I drove away, it was like the knife was twisting in my heart.
