Ready To Love Again

by Annalyse Knight

  “Sammy?” Chase looked from Shawn to Liz.

  “Sammy’s the lizard Tony and I found in the backyard.”

  “He let a lizard go in my room.” Liz huffed, stomping her foot to emphasize her anger.

  “We didn’t let it go. You hit me, and he got away,” Shawn said, throwing his arms in the air.

  “Wait.” Chase held up his hands for them to stop. “There’s a lizard running around in my house?”

  Shawn nodded and pointed toward Liz’s room. “Tony tried to catch him. He’s in her room somewhere.”

  Liz let out another half-huff, half-scream and stormed closer to Shawn. “I hate you!” she said with a wail, causing Chase to pull Shawn back out of her reach. “You brought that disgusting thing into my room. I wish you never became friends with Tony. I wish you and your mom would go away and never come back!”

  When she doubled up her fist and looked like she would take a swing at Shawn again, Chase reached for Liz, grasping her by the arms. He turned her toward him and gave her a firm shake.

  “Liz.” His voice rose in volume, but he didn’t yell. “That was a horrible thing to say. You need to apologize.”

  By this time, tears were streaming down her face. She stuck her chin further out and shook her head in blatant defiance of Chase’s command. He couldn’t have looked more stunned if she’d slapped him.

  A moment later, Tony came out of Liz’s room with the lizard trapped between his fingers. He looked over at Shawn and gave him an apologetic smile. Shawn nodded before turning his furious gaze back to Liz, who ignored him. Chase stared at his daughter, waiting for an apology she wasn’t about to give.

  “Go in your room and get ready for bed.”

  “Dad, she needs to apologize,” Tony said from beside Shawn. Chase ran his hands through his hair and gave Liz a pointed look.

  “Shut up, Anthony! I won’t say I’m sorry!” she screamed. Chase growled at her tenacity, and she turned her anger toward Katie. “I don’t want your books. I don’t want anything from you. Ever. Why did you have to come and ruin everything?”

  Liz turned and slammed her door, leaving everyone taken aback. Katie felt horrible dread bubble up from the deepest pit of her stomach.

  Chase let out a long sigh and then turned to the boys. “Please take Sammy outside and let him go.” Shawn and Tony nodded and ran downstairs, leaving Chase and Katie alone in the hallway.

  “I’m so sorry,” he said, leading her down the hall to his room.

  Katie glanced at the bag of books lying on the dresser. Dread once again washed over her, and she let out a strangled sob. Chase took her into his arms and tucked her head under his chin. His hand stroked her hair while she cried.

  It would take a lot more to change Liz’s heart than a few books. Katie felt her heart tighten, and her breathing hitched at the implications of this latest episode. Her visions of happy ever after had crashed around her in one tantrum-fueled outburst. She felt herself starting to sob, and she tried to push her feelings aside to pull away from him. “I need to go.”

  Liz comes first. Chase needs to focus on her. She’s never going to accept me.

  Chase held her tighter and shook his head. “No, don’t go.” His voice was a whisper, but there was a hint of panic in his words.

  “I’m sorry.” Katie pushed away from him and started to turn for the door when he grabbed her hand.

  “Don’t run away.” Chase brought her palm to his chest. “Please.”

  His eyes begged her to stay, and she almost did. He must have felt some hope, because he pulled her closer to him and kissed her.

  Katie pulled away and shook her head. “No. I’m sorry, Chase, but I won’t stand by and have Shawn hurt again.”

  Katie was grasping at straws. Shawn had pretty thick skin, and she had her doubts that Liz’s tantrum had hurt his feelings. If anything, it had probably ticked him off. Using Shawn as an excuse had been the first thing to pop into her mind. She knew Chase would let her go because he knew, just like she did, that their children came first. He looked surprised for a moment before he recovered and nodded.

  “If you think that’s what’s best for Shawn.”

  Katie fought down her tears at his easy acceptance. She made her way to the bag of books, took out Shawn’s, and then turned toward Chase, waving a hand at bag.

  “I’ll just leave those for Liz and Tony.”

  She walked to the door, but Chase stopped her before she could reach for the knob. His arms wrapped around her waist, and he pulled her against his chest.

  “Will I see you later?”

  Katie could hear the uncertainty in his voice. The tightening in her chest increased, making her feel like every ounce of happiness was being squeezed out of her. Turning in his arms, she wound her hands in his hair and kissed him. She pulled away sooner than he wanted, but she darted out the door before he could catch her again, wiping her tears with her sleeve.

  When she reached the kitchen, Shawn and Tony were coming back into the house, looking forlorn. Shawn saw his mother and opened his mouth to question her, but she cut him off before he could.

  “Let’s go—we’re going home.”

  Grateful he didn’t argue with her, she took his hand and pulled him out the door before Chase had a chance to convince her to stay.

  As soon as they got home, Katie sucked up all her emotions and went to work being a parent. It was the most difficult thing she’d done since Victor’s betrayal. All she wanted to do was climb in bed and cry until she had no more tears inside her, but she couldn’t show Shawn how much she had been hurt by Liz’s actions.

  After Shawn fell asleep, Katie flopped down on her bed and stared at the ceiling. Every emotion she had suppressed came out in a rush while she went over the day’s events. She came to the realization that if Liz wouldn’t give her a chance, there wasn’t anything she could do to help her. The problems in Chase’s family were deeper than Liz and her tantrums. They were just a symptom of years of pain that hadn’t been properly worked through.

  So where did that leave her relationship with Chase? Katie knew if she were in the same situation as Chase, she would choose the needs of her child over her own desires. Hot tears cascaded down her face, and a sob tore from her throat when she rolled over and pushed her face in the pillow. Her heart broke while she tried to think of different solutions that would help Liz. Each time, she arrived at the same conclusion—she needed to step away from her relationship with Chase while he helped his daughter work through her grief.

  If Katie didn’t end it, he would come to the same realization sometime in the future and break her heart. If it had been only her heart on the line, she would have taken the chance. But it wasn’t just her. She had Shawn to think about. Katie didn’t want to drag him through the pain of losing another father figure in his life. She felt like she had no other options. At last, she climbed under the covers fully clothed and cried herself to sleep.

  ~*~

  Chase spent the remainder of the evening avoiding his daughter. He was angry about the tantrum she’d thrown and didn’t trust himself not to say something he’d regret later. Every time he saw the bag of books in his room, his blood boiled again. When Liz was like this, there was no talking to her. She would feel remorse once she cooled off and thought about her actions, but not until then.

  The next few days were long. He called Katie during every break in his day, but he got her voice mail each time. After leaving several messages, he wondered whether the latest O’Donnell drama was too much for her and she’d realized that it wasn’t worth it. That he wasn’t worth it.

  He was relieved when he came home and found a message from her. Chase didn’t understand why she’d called the house phone when she could get in touch with him almost anytime by calling his cell. Katie’s voice on the recording sounded different, and he played her message several times, trying to pick up clues about how she might be feeling. The more he listened, the more anxiety seeped into his thoughts. In the en
d, he erased the message, avoiding the torturous trap of “what if.”

  Chase knew the time had come to address what had happened with Liz. He had avoided his daughter for days with no sign of her making an effort to apologize. Chase knocked on her bedroom door, but when he received no answer, he let himself in. Liz sat at her desk, writing on a piece of paper and ignoring his presence.

  “Liz?” Her pencil stopped, and she laid it down on her desk before she turned to face her father. “We need to talk about the other night.”

  She looked down at her lap, but not before Chase caught the regret in her eyes. He felt hopeful that she would see the error of her ways and this conflict would end before any more damage was done.

  “What you did to Shawn was wrong.”

  Liz didn’t look at him but slowly nodded.

  “What will you do to fix this?”

  Liz met his gaze, and he was startled to see defiance burning even brighter than it had Friday night. Any remorse that had been there a moment ago was gone.

  “You care more about him than you do about me.”

  Chase shook his head at her accusation. “That’s not true. Shawn and Katie didn’t deserve the way you treated them.” Liz glared at him before she crossed her arms over her chest. “Liz, you need to apologize, and then—”

  “I won’t!” Liz stood up from her chair and stomped her foot. “Shawn brought that gross thing into the house and let it go in my room. You didn’t make him say he was sorry to me. I don’t care if he’s your girlfriend’s son. I don’t like him, and I won’t apologize.”

  “If that’s the way you want to look at it, then you can stay in your room until you’re ready to be reasonable.”

  Chase closed the door behind him then leaned against the wall in the hallway. She screamed out in frustration and stomped to her bed, where her muffled screams into a pillow could be heard through the door. He shook his head and walked away.

  When he entered his room, the large, white bookstore bag caught his attention. Chase pulled a few books out and stopped at a bright-colored cover. He thumbed through it and felt the sting of tears in his eyes when he realized what Katie had hoped to do. The books were a peace offering to Liz. Katie reached out in the hope that she would tear down some of her walls. He closed his eyes and groaned, remembering how Liz had ignored Katie’s prodding at dinner. Chase pulled his cell phone from his pocket and dialed her number. After two rings, it went to her voice mail.

  “Katie, it’s Chase.” He paused for a moment while he considered what he wanted to say. “I haven’t talked to you since the weekend, so I hope everything’s okay.” His mind swirled with a million things he could tell her, but nothing seemed right. “Listen, I’m—” I’m what? Sorry my daughter hates you? He let out a long sigh. “I miss you. Please, call me.”

  He disconnected the call and wondered if she was avoiding him. Groaning, he raked his hands through his hair. Chase looked back down at the bag and made a split-second decision. Grabbing it, he went to Liz’s room and flung open the door. She spun around at her desk when he deposited the books on top of her papers.

  “You should know that Katie picked these out for you. She did it because she knows you like to read, and she wants to get to know you. If you had given her half a chance, you would have known that.” Chase turned and walked out the door, slamming it shut behind him. He was tired—tired of tiptoeing around his daughter and tired of not knowing what the hell he was doing.

  Going to his office, he plunked down in the leather chair and stared at the phone. With a reluctant sigh, he picked it up and dialed the one person he had avoided for the last three years.

  “Hello, this is Dr. O’Donnell. May I speak to Dr. Romano, please?” The receptionist put him on hold, and he fought the urge to hang up. He had put off this phone call for too long, thinking he could deal with Liz’s problems on his own. Now he realized Liz needed more help than he was qualified to give her.

  A deep voice echoed through the phone. “Chase!”

  He smiled at the enthusiastic greeting. “Hello, Carlos. How have you been?”

  “I’m doing fantastic! Emma and I had number three last month—a boy.”

  “Congratulations.”

  “What can I do for you?” Carlos went into his professional mode, which gave Chase a sense of familiarity but also made him nervous.

  “Well, it’s been three years since Terri’s death, and I don’t know what to do with Liz anymore.”

  “I see.” Carlos was silent for a moment before he sighed. “Chase, I can recommend several counselors, but this has to be a group effort.”

  Chase had known they would have to do some sort of family therapy. “Yeah, I figured we could start with someone in child psychology and grief counseling, then maybe some joint sessions.” He hoped this was what Carlos meant by a group effort.

  “You’re going too, Chase.”

  “I’m fine. I just need to help Liz.”

  “If you want Liz to be seen by anyone in my practice, then you’re going to attend as well.” His voice held a firm note of determination. “We’ve discussed this in the past.”

  Chase let out a defeated breath. He knew Carlos would slip in that stipulation, which was why he’d held off calling for as long as he had. “If that’s what you think is needed, I’ll do whatever you suggest.” He tried to hide the reluctance and shame he felt over waiting so long.

  “Fantastic!”

  Chase could almost see him slapping his desk in triumph. Carlos had nagged him since the day Chase laid Terri in the ground to come in for grief counseling. He had adamantly opposed the suggestion. It was too painful to uncover the old wounds, and Chase had found his own way of dealing with her death.

  His friendship with Carlos had run deep before Terri’s death, and Chase regretted that they had fallen out of touch. It had been nearly impossible to carry on the same friendships he’d had when Terri was alive. Every time he saw Emma, he remembered her and Terri chatting while they exchanged the dirt about the hospital.

  Carlos had also been at the hospital when Chase had collapsed with a panic attack the night of the accident. He had seen Chase at his worst, and if he was being honest, it was too painful of a memory to relive every time he saw his old friend.

  Liz poked her head into Chase’s office when he hung up the phone. “Daddy?” He waved her in, and she came around the side of the desk. The brightly-colored book Katie had bought was in her hand.

  “I’m sorry,” she whispered. Chase could hear the tears in her voice.

  “It’s not me who needs to hear your apology.”

  She nodded, and Chase watched a tear slip down her cheek. “Can we not talk about Katie or Shawn right now?”

  Chase nodded. “What do you have there?”

  Liz shrugged and handed her father the book. “Can you read it to me? Like you did before—”

  Before Terri died.

  He pulled her onto his lap, and they spent the next half hour reading about a little boy who’d lost his mom. Liz’s body shook with sobs when he reached the final page. Chase pulled her closer and dropped the book on his desk.

  “I miss Mom,” she whispered between her hiccups. Those three little words were so simple but held such power. “Do you think she really lives in heaven?”

  Chase realized at that moment that he’d never talked to his children about where their mother had gone after she died.

  Do I even know for sure?

  He was dedicated to science and facts. Could he talk to his daughter about a heaven he wasn’t sure existed? That required a kind of faith he didn’t think resided in him anymore. Maybe before Terri’s death he could have entertained the idea of a God, but now? How could God allow awful things to happen, like his children growing up without their mother? However, the idea that Terri no longer existed didn’t sit well with him either. Perhaps this was why he caught himself reciting the prayers he had learned as a child in his most desperate moments or talking to Terri in the
hope she would hear him.

  “I’d like to think there’s a beautiful place, like in the book, where your mother still does all the things she enjoyed here.” Liz sniffed and plucked a tissue out of the box on his desk to wipe her nose. “Did you know your mother loved to garden?” Liz looked up at him and shook her head. “You know where the hot tub is now?” She nodded. “Well, before we put the hot tub in, there was a small patch where your mother grew the most beautiful roses.”

  Liz and her father spent an hour talking about Terri—everything from her likes and dislikes to her favorite color and dessert. Liz soaked up everything he told her. The miserable glint that had been in her eye when she came in was now replaced with a cheerful sparkle.

  Why haven’t we sat down like this before?

  They never talked about Katie and Shawn or if she would apologize. Chase knew they’d have to face it soon, but for now, she was his little girl and he was her dad. Making up for lost opportunities seemed more important.

  Chapter 16

  Chase’s fears that Katie was avoiding him were laid to rest when they set up a date for the following weekend. Gina told him he worried too much and assured him that when she’d seen Katie at work, nothing seemed unusual about her behavior. Even with Gina’s encouragement, Chase hadn’t been able to shake the feeling that something wasn’t right.

  By the time Friday evening rolled around, he was desperate to see Katie so he could ease his doubts and suspicions. She answered the door, and Chase smiled at how beautiful she looked. A little black dress hugged her curves, and half her hair was piled on top of her head, while the other half spilled in waves over her bare shoulders. With a shy smile, she invited him in. His earlier anxiety evaporated when she took his hand and led him to the couch. Eyeing the gift in his hand, she pulled him down to sit with her.

  “We need to t—”

  He handed her the package and smiled. “Open it.”

  Katie stared at the gift, and her reluctance to unwrap it concerned him almost as much as her detachment over the last week had done. Her hand shook when she pulled off the bow. His smile faltered, and he noticed the dark circles under her eyes that she’d tried to camouflage with makeup. Before she peeled back the paper, she looked up at him. He wanted to ask if anything was wrong, but she spoke first.