“That’s supposed to make whatever you do all right? When duty calls, you’re expected and determined to make any sacrifice and take any risk to answer it? You can simply cast aside conscience, honor, compassion, right and wrong, and anyone in your way just to carry out your orders?”
“You make duty and loyalty and love for my world sound terrible. You make me sound terrible. I’ve been reared by an officer and a ruler, and I’ve been trained as an officer, trained to obey. I had no choice.”
“Yes, Varian, you did. You’ve always had other choices. And so do I for the first time since we met. You said this ruse was your clever idea, so you have only yourself to blame for the consequences.”
“I didn’t do it for glory, Jana! I can’t ever reveal it.”
“I don’t care why you did it. I want you out of my life, Varian, totally and forever. I don’t want to see you again, if we ever get off of this enemy ball.”
Varian’s heart thudded with trepidation and his skin crawled with fear. He told himself she couldn’t be serious, only angry and hurt. “I can’t do that, Jana, I love you. I need you.”
“Need me? For what this time? For what next time?”
The bitterness in her voice and coldness in her multicolored eyes caused him to wince in torment. “For myself, Moonbeam, only for myself.”
“For how long? Until your next secret assignment? Next burden?”
“Until the Universe ceases to exist. I can’t lose you, Jana. I can’t.”
“You already have, Varian, the moment you let me wake up on Darkar with Ryker as my husband instead of in your arms on the Wanderlust.”
“You have to understand and forgive me, Jana,” he insisted.
She shook her head and glared at him. “No, I don’t and I won’t, not today, not tomorrow, not ever. It’s over between us, Varian. Over!”
“I’ll find a way to change your mind. I have to.”
“So you can get your hands on Trilabs through me? Ryker, and even Shara, warned me you might try something like that. To try to get me back will be a waste of your time.”
“You’re worth all of it and more.”
“But you aren’t worth mine. You don’t deserve my love and trust.”
“Perdition, woman, I’m not after Trilabs! If that was my goal, I could take it by force. Give me another chance to prove you’re wrong.”
“You’ve had plenty of them, too many. Now that you’ve obtained the goals most important to you, I’m the only thing left you crave, at the bottom of the stack, where you’ve always put me and will always keep me. I would be a fool to let you hurt me again, and I’m not a fool, you bloody traitor.”
“I swear on my life and honor I won’t ever hurt you again.”
“I know you won’t, because I’m not going to let that happen. Go marry Canissia like you planned. I don’t want you anymore.”
“I never intended to marry that wicked bitch. It was only a ruse to draw her out of hiding after she kidnapped you. I never imagined Ryker would use it to coerce you into marrying him. I suspected she was in on your disappearance, but I had to get my hands on her to question her. She had to believe I didn’t suspect her and think she had something valuable to return for: me. She disappeared because Ryker arranged her death, but she foiled his attempt. That day she came to see us, I knew the truth from those tapes and I managed, to convince her she was wrong, or at least I thought I had her fooled. Something I said or did that wasn’t recorded by Ryker and Shara caused her to suspect the truth. She eluded the tail I had put on her: Command 10. When her ship was located and put under surveillance, it was at Zenufia. The trouble is, she wasn’t on it; she’s with Taemin. She must have told him her suspicions and they planned this trap for us. As a taunt or terror tactic, they had Garus drop clues to me that he didn’t understand. I had to get us off that ship. The only reason I didn’t arrest her on Darkar was to prevent exposing my ruse. I will have her in custody and prison soon. She’ll pay for her crimes.”
Varian tried to hold her hand, but she jerked it away and glared at him. “What we have is special, Jana. We can’t just throw it away over a misunderstanding, over something vital I was compelled to do. I’m sorry for the past. Let me make it up to you.”
“No, not now, not ever.”
“Never is a long time, Moonbeam. I won’t let you end it for us.”
“Can’t you get it through your thick and conceited head that you already have ended it for us. Give it up, Varian; I did weeks ago.”
“When, Jana? Was it the day I used that cyborg on Auriga? Until that trick, you didn’t believe I was Ryker, no matter how well I played him. Even afterward, you still had doubts.”
“But you played him so well that you made me fall in love with him and want him, not you.”
“You couldn’t possibly love a man like Ryker Triloni! Remember all Shara told you about him, about them. Remember how Ryker treated you. He would have killed you if things had gone differently when we met. You can’t be in love with Ryker; you never got to know the real man. You lived with me, you loved me, you wanted me. I was the one with you all this time, not him.”
“But you were impersonating him, you were being him, not Varian. If you hadn’t played him with perfection, you wouldn’t have fooled everybody. The fact you have should prove I was, in all ways but one, with Ryker.”
She saw a look of panic cross his face that surprised her. “You let everyone think I practically eloped with him, a near stranger. You made certain our marriage was revealed and is legal. When his death is exposed, do you think the grieving widow would run straight into your arms? Return with eagerness to the man who had treated me so badly? The man, by your own plot, I escaped. You fooled me, but I’m not a fool. If I came traipsing back to you after pretending to be happily wed and in love with Ryker, I would certainly look like one. I would appear a money-grubbing bitch, a liar, a cheat, a schemer.”
“It won’t be like that, Jana.”
“Almost as soon as you free me, I race off, meet Ryker by sheer chance, enchant him, and marry him. Then, he’s no sooner allegedly killed and buried when I leap back into the arms of my ex-captor, my ex-lover, my betrayer! I become your mistress. I do all of that and I won’t appear anything but sweet and innocent Jana Greyson? Fat chance!”
“Not as my mistress, Moonbeam, as my wife.”
“That would be as bad and repulsive. And about Cass … you spread the news you two are eagerly awaiting to be married. But as soon as your ex-lover is widowed, you dump her to get me back? How will that make you look in the eyes and hearts of your people? You can’t ever reveal you impersonated Ryker, or this was all for naught. Without exposing the truth, you’ve entrapped us.”
Varian read Jana’s anger and bitterness. He was almost glad the emotions had surfaced so he could deal with them and hopefully dispel them.
“Who’s going to believe such garbage, Commander Saar? No one.”
“All we have to say is that you ran away from me because you didn’t know I loved you. I was going to wed Cass to get over your loss. Lovers torn apart by cruel fate and reunited by generous gods … Who could resist believing such a romantic tale?”
“Hog wash! Bullshit! This is real life, you bastard, involving real people, intelligent people, not some fantasy. Besides, Maal would kill both of us if I dishonored Ryker’s memory by getting involved with you again. Be realistic, you space pirate, no one will fall for such a story.”
“I admit we’ll have to be persuasive and careful for a while, but—”
“But nothing, Saar. No deal, no more chances. You’ve had your last one with me and you blew it. You enjoyed your little pretense and were proud of yourself for being so good at it.”
“I enjoyed being with you, Moonbeam, but not fooling you.”
“You liar! Is that why you slept with me as him?”
“I couldn’t help myself. I loved you and needed you. I missed you.”
“What you needed and missed was sex,
and that’s all you got from me.”
“You made love to me, woman; it wasn’t just physical sex.”
“I did not make love to you; I was responding to Ryker.”
“To me, Jana Greyson, to me! In your heart, you never doubted it was me. You always wanted it to be me. You pretended it was me.”
That was true, but she taunted, “Are you positive?”
“Don’t do this to us, Jana. We’ve both suffered too much for my missions and mistakes. Let’s make peace and be happy.”
“Just like that,” she scoffed as she snapped her fingers. “Forgive and forget? Just pretend this so-called misunderstanding and betrayal never happened? It isn’t that easy or simple.”
“It can be, my love, if you let it. I love you. I need you. I’m sorry. I want to marry you. Doesn’t any of that matter to you?”
“No, and you have a strange way of showing your feelings. On Earth, we say: ‘Practice what you preach.’ You certainly don’t.”
He lifted his unballed hands and, with palms upward, shook them, an alien sign of being open and honest. But it was as a gesture of frustration tonight because he knew he wasn’t getting through to her. “I’ve made mistakes; I’ve admitted that. Are my words not translating into your language correctly to get my meaning across to you? Perdition, woman, I said I was sorry, but I had no choice.”
Jana saw how upset he was, but she didn’t let it affect her. “I have no choice, either, Varian; I can never trust you again. Without trust, it’s over. When we get out of this mess, if we do, we go our separate ways.”
He narrowed his gaze in denial. “No, Jana, I won’t let you get away from me. I can’t lose you.”
“You already have. Are you listening to me and understanding my feelings? Is your aural translator malfunctioning? It’s over.”
“I don’t believe it; I won’t believe it. True love doesn’t end.”
“True love, that’s the key word, Varian; you’ve never been true to me and I doubt you have the capability to do so with me or any woman. Whether or not you choose to believe it’s over, that’s up to you. But if you doubt it, you’ll be fooling yourself this time.”
“I’m not fooling myself, and I’m not lying to you. You lit a fire in me that can’t be extinguished.”
“Without the right fuel, all fires die. Or didn’t you learn that scientific fact when you trained to impersonate Ryker?”
He frowned. “Is it so hard to understand what I had to do?”
“Understanding the situation isn’t the problem. How you handled it and why you handled it that way is; that’s what stands between us and will always stand between us and keep us apart.”
“You know why I did it, Jana, to save lives and two worlds, to prevent intergalactic war. Aren’t those things important, too, as important as we are? What else could I have done?”
“You could have trusted me and loved me enough to let me help.”
“Without endangering everything I was trying to accomplish? I told you I couldn’t risk using Rendelar to protect our secrets.”
“You found ways to do everything else the mission required. You and your team of experts are so good at things like this that you could have found a way if you had tried hard enough. You didn’t because you wanted to take the quick and easy way out, which included using and betraying me.”
Provoked by panic, he shouted, “Easy way? You think it has been easy to dupe you? Stars above, woman, it’s the hardest and most painful thing I’ve ever done! I hated every minute I had to keep you in the Shadows. You don’t know how many times I panicked over losing you and started to reveal the truth, even if it wound up costing me everything I had worked for.”
“But you didn’t ever reach that point, Varian. You saw the damage and suffering you were causing me … us. Yet, it didn’t matter enough to call a halt. I didn’t matter enough for you to risk all to keep me. The damn mission was your priority.”
He gritted out between clenched teeth, “The damn mission saved millions of lives and many worlds, Jana, including yours.”
“For that part of your deception, I’m grateful.”
Varian stared at her as he tried to calm himself and regain self-control. “You don’t want to understand or forgive.”
“Dr. Jana Greyson Triloni doesn’t have to be either one.”
His heart ached as he witnessed the full extent of what his ruse had caused. “I can’t believe you could think and feel this way about something so important. You want to hurt me and punish me. You want revenge. You want me knocked to my knees. You want me humiliated. You want to do to me all the things you think I’ve done to you. You’re wrong, Jana, and it isn’t necessary. I am ashamed. I have been punished. You had revenge every time you called me Ryker and it seemed as if you were being drawn to him. It pierced my heart and soul to think I could lose you. I am on my knees, Moonbeam, and I am begging you to forgive me.”
Jana broke the bond of their gazes. Hers darted about aimlessly as she thought about his words. She looked at him again. “I can’t help what I feel and think, and you’re responsible for those emotions and doubts. I don’t want revenge, Varian. I don’t want to humiliate you. I don’t even want to hurt you or see you grovel. What I do want is for you to leave me alone and let me find peace and happiness. If I have to force you to honor my wishes, I will. This time, I have the freedom and rank to prevent you from using me again; I’ll use them if you make it necessary. I suggest we concentrate our energy and wits on getting out of Pyropea alive and unharmed, then we’ll go our separate ways.”
Varian watched the effect of his confession on her. He realized the shock of his revelation and her anguish were too fresh and deep to make a difference on her tonight. He concluded it was going to take time, work, patience, and love to win her back. Somehow he must find a way out of this trap, with Jana at his side. “Let’s eat and talk again in the morning. We’re both exhausted.”
“I’ll eat, but my appetite is gone.” As she forced down the food in the tins and clear bags that he had passed to her, she stared at the ground. All along she had been with Varian and she had never given herself to Ryker. Everything she had said and done while believing he was Ryker flooded her mind like one tremendous gush of drowning liquid. She reflected on how she had behaved with “Ryker” when they visited the avatars, Maal, Tirol, Draco, Brec, and on the Wanderlust with the new crew. She thought of her ridiculous confrontation with Martella when she feared for “Ryker’s” life.
Varian had made a fool of her. He had trampled her feelings and pride, when he could have prevented or halted the torment and fears and shame she was experiencing. Love him and desire him or not, could she ever forgive him? Could she ever trust him again? Her dazed mind said no; her bruised heart said no; her tormented soul said no. Was there anything that handsome space rogue could say or do to change her mind and feelings? No, no, no! they all shouted again.
Varian observed her mood and suffered, too. Perhaps once the shock wore off and she had time to think clearly, she would soften her stubborn and destructive stance. He couldn’t give up on her and their love.
Chapter Thirteen
As Varian worked on the stolen communicator the next morning after eating their scant rations, he and Jana talked with control at some points and quarreled with a loss of it at others.
“Will that thing work and get us out of here?” she asked.
“I think so.”
“What about that decoy drone Garus mentioned? Won’t that have drawn Nigel out of hearing range by now?”
“I hope not. I told him to stay on alert for trouble.”
“Does he obey orders as well as you do?”
“How long are you going to stay angry and hostile?”
“Until the feelings wear off, just like you did. Just as I get over you and fall in love with somebody else, you storm back into my life and I’m told he doesn’t exist, never existed as I knew him. You duped me to get your hands on Trilabs, didn’t you? Why no
t admit it?”
Varian stopped working to look at her. “I won’t deny how important Trilabs is to us. But more than we want and need to own or control it and its secrets, we want to prevent it from falling into the hands of our enemies. You must grasp that reality, Jana. Whoever rules Trilabs has the power to rule the Tri-Galaxy. Maffei does not want that role, but Taemin and Maal do, and Ryker did. Only Trilabs stands between us and them, only Trilabs can prevent their attack for conquest.”
“If it were true that Ryker wanted to conquer and rule the Tri-Galaxy, he would have made an attempt by now, before he died; he had the power and means to take control.”
“He was biding his time until he was ready. He enjoyed holding that threat over our heads and watching us squirm, especially me. The only reason I didn’t confront him sooner was because I knew I would endanger my world and loved ones. He provoked me at every turn, Jana. He wanted either me or him dead. I had no way of getting to him and halting his threat until he gave me the entry code to his complex. He was so insane by then that he didn’t even think to give me a fake one that would result in killing me and creating a sector catastrophe with the destruction of Darkar. He must have thought if I won our final battle, Shara would be waiting inside to take revenge on me. He never imagined I would impersonate him and dupe her.”
Varian captured her gaze and held it. “When I entered that lab disguised as Ryker and saw you strapped to that table and without any signs of life, I almost went as mad as they were. Shara tried to pretend it was an accident, that she had tried to save you after your attempted suicide. She thought I was dead. She boasted of victory over the Saars. I wrapped my fingers around her evil throat and almost squeezed the life from her before I realized what I was doing. When she exposed their plan for her to take your face and place and she revealed their incestuous affair, I was repulsed. I told her it was over. She took her final plunge into madness and tried to kill the man she saw as a traitorous Ryker, perhaps as our father, too.”
He lowered his troubled gaze to the task in his hands as that dark memory surfaced vividly. “During our struggle for the knife, she fell on it and was killed. Then, I discovered you weren’t dead, just being prepared for cryogenic suspension. All Gehenna broke loose. Everything that could go wrong to prevent awakening and saving you, did. Solar flare-ups knocked out communications. The life-support unit had been destroyed. The shuttles and bay were demolished. One Spacer wouldn’t work and one exploded with Tesla aboard.” He fused his gaze with hers once more.
Stardust And Shadows Page 30
