“Hours passed in sheer terror, Moonbeam. Tris barely saved your life and it took agonizing time to do so. I was exhausted from the weeks of thinking you lost forever and my having to kill my half brother, scared by your near death and frantic rescue, and my discovery of the extent of their evil. I was trying to figure out a way to explain Ryker’s death to Maal to prevent retaliation on Maffei. When this ruse came to mind. I saw it as the only answer. Maybe I still wasn’t thinking clearly when I put everything into motion. But once it was under way, there was no turning back and no safe way to get rid of him. His death had to appear an accident, in one of his guarded locations, with witnesses Maal would believe—like Ryker’s own men and androids, I could not be around to blame. To set that up, I had to play him and had to place my men at the chosen location: the mine on Caguas. I honestly believed you would understand and accept it. Even when you scared me with doubts, I kept telling myself it would be over soon and everything would be all right.”
“So much clever work and planning and yet you couldn’t find a simple way to include me, only use me. It all comes back to the fact you would do anything to get your hands on Trilabs.”
“Keep it out of their hands, Jana; there’s a big difference. Can you blame me for trying? Do you have a real concept of what intergalactic war would be like, especially with the advanced and powerful weapons we possess? You witnessed what ten ships and lasers did to that rogue threatening your world. Imagine what ten similarly equipped enemy ships could do to a populated planet in our galaxy. I couldn’t let that happen. Why do you refuse to grasp and admit the truth?”
“What you refuse to grasp and admit, Varian, is there was never any need for this cruel ruse. After you killed Ryker and Shara and rescued me, we had Trilabs in our control. I was Ryker’s wife and would become his widow and heir. No one knew how or where he died. We could have arranged an accident on Darkar that would have fooled Maal. A lethal spill in one of the labs or something. You had the entry code. You had the journals. You had the videotapes. You had Ryker’s secrets. All of that gave you the power to save and protect both worlds. It provided the evidence you needed to force Maal and Jurad into treaties. If they refused, it supplied the power to defend Maffei or to even attack them. You held victory in your hands; instead of using it, you began another conflict and put me in the middle.
“By confiscating Trilabs in that manner, through you to me, it would only have provoked more trouble and certain war with Maal and the Tabrizes. You were already my ex-lover. If Ryker allegedly-died with only you present then you and I married, it would cast suspicions on both of us. Maal and Taemin would have come after you. This way, Ryker is the one who talked them out of attacking. What I did will accomplish peace in a peaceful way. After all the evil he’s done in his life, what harm did it do to let him supposedly do some good before he dies publicly?”
“If no harm was done, Varian, then what are we doing stranded here in danger? The very two people who saved everybody else might die for their good deed. You had the right to endanger your life, but not mine, not without my permission.”
“Isn’t your life worth risking to save your world? Isn’t my life worth risking for mine?”
“Yes, but that isn’t the point.”
“What is, Jana?”
“You’re only seeing and hearing your side.”
“Why can’t we be on the same side, Moonbeam?”
“Because of who and what you are.”
“What is that, Jana?”
“A man who puts his duty above everything.”
“Why is that so wrong in a critical situation?”
“If you don’t understand the difference and my meaning, I could never explain in a way you would grasp and accept.”
When his frustration caused him to get angry and snappy because she wouldn’t accept his apology and forgive him, Jana became even angrier because he seemed to expect to say those words and everything would magically be all right when he didn’t appear to realize how wrong the matter was from her point of view. She knew she still loved and desired him, but she could not trust him, or was afraid to do so again. He had inflicted—yes, in the line of duty—great suffering and shame on her. She truly believed at that time that he might do it again in the line of duty. She couldn’t open the door to an already abused heart and risk further damage to it. If there was a chance for them to get past this dilemma and make a fresh beginning, he had to prove his fealty and love to her. She had to give him time to worry, experience her loss, and correct his flaws and weaknesses, his misguided conceptions.
“Martella knew everything all along, didn’t she?”
“Yes. But she resisted and argued against my plan. She warned me many times of the risks involved with duping you. She even had bad feelings about this trip; I should have listened to her.”
“Who knows you’re Varian?”
“Nigel, Tris, Martella, Grandfather, Draco, Brec, Kagan, and the two Elite Squad members I assigned on Caguas.”
“What about your crew who saw me rescued, saw Tesla die, saw you go to Darkar disguised as Ryker?”
“They were given mind implants to make them forget that happened, chemically induced partial amnesia that affects recent memory. My crew remembers our search for you but not your rescue. They were sent on leave while Tris, Nigel, Martella, and I prepared for this ruse.”
“Why didn’t you give me amnesia, too? It would have been kinder and safer for all of us. At least taken me back to before Shara’s murder attempt.”
“Because I didn’t want you to forget what we said after your rescue. I didn’t want you believing the lies Cass and Ryker told you.”
“You didn’t want me to forget it, but you would go to great lengths to convince me we were never reunited and you didn’t confess your love and arrange for my kidnapping; it was only an hallucination? That’s contradictory and cruel.”
“That was one case where I was being selfish, Moonbeam. If I had blocked all of that out and played Ryker as I have, you would hate me by now. I had to fool you, but I had to leave you with doubts and hopes, with good and honest memories of me even if you believed they were dreams.”
“How dare you tamper with my mind and emotions?” Jana screamed at him. “How dare you come to my bed as another man?”
“I never intended to make love to you as Ryker. But that night before our trip to Maal’s, you were so close and tempting that I couldn’t resist you. Once we’d started an intimate relationship, I thought it would look suspicious to halt it. And, Ryker was romancing you before he died. I did try to control myself, Jana; remember how I attempted to slow things down between you and him?”
“So, sex became just part of the mission, part of your role.”
“No, I wanted you and needed you. I admit I excused my weakness and desires by telling myself it was necessary, but I knew inside it wasn’t.”
“You’re a damn good actor, Commander Saar. You fooled me and Maal and everybody else. I hope you’re reveling in your many successes.”
“How can I enjoy my successes when they might cost me the only woman I have ever loved?”
“On Earth, we call that flaw ‘wanting your cake and eating it, too.’ In real life, it doesn’t work that way. I’ll admit, you were a most enjoyable lover. You’re good, very good. I should have known no two men kiss and make love exactly alike. But how could I know I was right since you’re the only man I’ve bedded?”
“I never forced you to sleep with me as Ryker; I wouldn’t have.”
“Mental and emotional coercion don’t count. I suppose?” She saw him flinch from that stinging barb. “Why did you leave my old things on the ship? Were they supposed to taunt and hurt me?”
“That wasn’t intentional. I honestly forgot about them being there. I took everything with me when I left Grandfather’s on Eire when I went to search for you … Now can I ask you one question and you answer it with honesty?”
Jana grasped a change in his tone and di
rection. “Perhaps.”
“Do you still love me? Do you still want me?”
She stalled to think by asking, “With honesty?”
“Yes.”
“Honestly, I don’t know. Honestly, even if I do love and want you, I don’t think it matters any more. It changes nothing in this predicament.”
“It changes everything, Jana. And it does matter. It matters to me, to us, to our future.”
“We have no future, Varian; you destroyed all hopes of one.”
“I’ll repair my damage, or I’ll create a new one for us.”
Jana tore a strip from the bottom of her dress to use as a cloth for bathing off at the seep. She was relieved her period had come two weeks ago during her stay on the Wanderlust, as it would have been a problem for her here. Also, there was another predicament she didn’t have to worry about: getting pregnant. The men in this alien world were in charge of birth control measures and when reproduction took place with their charls, they held that power in their hands with the use of three-month injections of Liex, a “no-accident precaution and formula.” Varian had told her about Liex before her affair with him, and she was certain he wouldn’t allow her to become pregnant with “Ryker’s” baby during his charade. He wouldn’t do that even to have a hold on her afterward, as people would view his firstborn as the child of his half brother.
“You’re certain only Nigel can decode your message?”
“Yes, and I sent it fast and turned it off so Taemin couldn’t target my pulses. All we can do is wait and be careful until he comes.”
“If he heard you.”
“We have to believe he did, Jana. We’ll be rescued, so don’t worry.”
Twenty minutes passed as Varian put away their gear and swept the area of tracks visible to optical scanners. His head jerked northward and skyward. “Get into that crevice fast!” he shouted to Jana. “A shuttle is coming this way!” Before she could react and obey, he shoved her into the concealing location he had prepared for such an emergency, the spot where their supplies were already out of sight. He wriggled in beside her and pulled the sticker bush in place, ignoring the painful pricks on his fingers that brought forth blood.
“Maybe it’s Nigel with help.”
“Not this quick.”
“Taemin must have picked up your signal,” she said in rising alarm.
“No, it’s just a fly-by check of the area. Stay still and quiet so we can elude their sensors.”
In mounting dread, Jana obeyed. She leaned her head against a rock and closed her eyes, her heart pounding. She didn’t want to think about their grim fates if they fell into that evil alien’s hands. She heard the shuttle as it made a slow circle of the location. She panicked when it hovered a moment above them to study it.
The crevice was a tight fit which held their bodies close together. Jana opened her eyes to look at her ex-lover. Sweat beaded on his forehead and above his upper lip; moisture caused his nose, chin, and cheeks to shine. They weren’t manifestations of fear, as Varian Saar feared nothing and no one, but from his exertions and the heat. As several drops rolled toward his dark brows and sensual lips, he made no move to wipe them away. He remained rigid, alert, and silent. He exuded self-assurance and immense power even amidst this peril. He was a complex and contradictory man of surprising gentleness and strength. He possessed highly developed reflexes, keen instincts, and honed skills.
Jana’s gaze roamed his handsome features. She missed the tiny smile creases near his eyes and mouth, as Ryker didn’t have them. She missed the cleft in his chin, that deep and short slash she had fingered many times in days past. She missed the rich sapphire shade of his eyes. She missed the sable color of his hair. She had missed the sound of his deep and husky voice while he was playing Ryker. His strong jawline was stubbled from days without shaving and smudged where he had mopped at his face with dirty hands, as he hadn’t had time to wash up after his tasks. The dark hair and dirt made him look earthy and appealing. She found herself aroused by contact with him. She realized they could be dead soon …
Varian was aroused, too. He knew the shuttle was gone and the area had passed inspection. He remained in the tight confines because he perceived his good affect on her. Maybe it was using another trick, but again he had no choice, as he must use every charm he possessed to win her. He turned his head to fuse their gazes. He allowed his eyes to roam her exquisite face, enflamed by her beauty and perfection. He noticed how her tawny hair was mussed. He saw how fear darkened her multicolored eyes of blue, green, and violet encased in a deep green band. He saw glistening perspiration from the heat and the tension of the situation on her creamy flesh. He yearned to kiss that lovely nose and small chin. He craved to feast on her lips. Uncontrollably his left hand reached out and captured the right side of her face between his strong fingers. His thumb drifted back and forth over her parted lips, and drew her head toward his. He kissed her, long and deep and tender. His pulse raced. His heart thudded. His breathing became ragged. His loins blazed with need. “I love you, Jana Greyson,” he murmured.
“Don’t you think you should be quiet and still? Sensors, remember? Are you trying to get us captured with such lustful foolishness?”
“They’re gone, and it was one of Taemin’s shuttles.”
Jana frowned in annoyance. “Is it safe to get out of this crack now?”
“Yes, but it’s nice being—”
“Then get out and stop squashing and fondling me.”
He pushed aside the thorny barrier, crawled out, then extended his hand to assist her. “You didn’t enjoy that as much as I did?”
Jana dared not lock gazes with him and give away her excited state. She pretended to brush off her clothes as she replied, “It was nice, but I didn’t resist because I was obeying orders to stay quiet.”
Varian exhaled in matching annoyance. “As you wish, Jana.”
“Good. Thank you. From now on, no stunts like that again.”
“How will you know it’s over if you don’t test your feelings?”
“I don’t need to test them or want to test them. Understand?”
“So be it.”
As you wish. So be it. Lordy, how many times I’ve heard those two responses in the past. She needed a distraction from him. “We seem to be stranded alone together for a while and you have my full attention, so tell me how you pulled off this charade so convincingly? How did you know all that scientific and medical information? How did you get your eyes green without contact lens? How did you know Androasian? And use your right hand? How did you always stay one step ahead of me?”
Varian lifted the water container and a rag from her dress. “First, let me get that blood off your beautiful face.”
Jana felt her sticky cheek then looked at her hand. “From where?” she asked, then saw his injuries. “What happened?” she asked in alarm. “You’re bleeding.”
“The bush snagged my fingers in a few places.”
“Get the medical kit and let me tend them. Some thorns have poisons or irritants on their tips. I can’t let anything happen to my protector because I certainly don’t want to be stuck here alone or with you ill.”
Jana cleaned his hands with water from the canteen and a strip torn from the bottom of her dress. She applied antiseptic to kill any germs, then an antibiotic cream to prevent infection and to heal the small holes.
As she worked, he jested, “If you keep ripping up that dress, Moonbeam, pretty soon you won’t have any cover left. That would be pleasant for me, but it will be much too stimulating for our rescue team.”
“I’ll try to heed your caution, sir, before I reach the indecent stage. It was pretty and expensive, too, I’m sure, but it can’t be helped. I had no choice but to use it.”
“That sounds like a familiar quandary and resolution to a problem.”
Jana let go of his tended hand and glared at him. “Demolishing a dress doesn’t compare to devastating my life. Which reminds me, you were about to answer
some questions for me when that craft interrupted.”
Varian took a deep breath and explained.
“I’m amazed and impressed. I would be even more so if they hadn’t been used against me, you bloody traitor. When and if we get out of this trouble, you won’t have an opportunity to do so again.”
“The ruse can’t be halted until it’s finished, Jana. Since you know the truth now, you’ll have to assist me and cooperate.”
She looked stunned.
“Or you’ll do what? Imprison me? How? On what charge?”
“Of course not! But I’ll need your help.”
“You need my help to finish your bloody mission? If that’s true, you should have kept me in the dark until it was over. No way, Varian, no way.”
“I couldn’t keep you in the Shadows any longer because you’ve suffered too much as is,” he explained. “I was also worried about you getting even closer to Ryker and about us dying with this lie separating us. I was about to confess the truth when I received that deceitful message from Taemin.” He told her what the prince had said to compel him to remain silent a while longer. He related how and why the ruse must continue. He surmised to himself that if he wasn’t wearing Ryker’s face and image, his own would influence her. He concluded he had to finish this business fast and get back his own appearance.
“You want to involve me in your dangerous deceptions? Risk my life again? Are you crazy? I want to get away from you as soon as possible. I’m not going to lie and dupe like you did. How could you do this to me, to yourself, to us? How could you tell such horrible lies about yourself and the past? You tried your best to convince me you never loved me, and I came to believe it was true. You tried to make me fall in love with Ryker when he’s dead. You let him replace you in my heart and body.”
Stardust And Shadows Page 31
