There Before the Chaos

by K. B. Wagers

  Askansha dropped to her knees, prostrating herself at my feet with her palms up before anyone could stop her. “Your Imperial Majesty, please, I beg you not to harm my father. His grief has been eating away at his mind for so many years, he doesn’t realize what he’s done.” Her words were muffled against the floor and I waved Zin off before he could pull her away from me.

  “Askansha, look at me.” I crouched down, laying a hand in one of her upturned ones. “I’m not going to hurt your father. I’ll admit there was probably a better way to do that; however, what’s done is done. We should have a talk, though, and this conversation is difficult enough to have without you doing it facedown on the floor. Get up and have a seat.”

  Rahul was already sitting when I helped Askansha to her feet and pressed her into the chair next to her father. I hitched a hip onto the table behind me and folded my hands together.

  “Let’s start at the beginning. What was your son’s name?”

  “Tamil, Your Majesty.”

  “Tell me about him.”

  For the next hour, I listened to a tale of a young man searching for some way to prove himself and a father who wanted him to do better with his life than he had. There wasn’t anything particularly new about the tale, nor was I at all surprised when it ended with Tamil taking off against his father’s wishes and ending up in the clutches of the Losties.

  “He was killed aboard a Solarian freighter. The only reason they were able to identify his body was because of a vid Askansha had sent him the week before asking him to come home for my birthday.” Tears stood in Rahul’s dark eyes and he dropped his head into his shaking hands. “The gun was in his pack also. I have held on to it for all these years. When I heard about you I just assumed—you were a gunrunner. You could have sold him the gun.” He lifted his head, the expression pleading with me to tell him that hadn’t happened.

  Putting a gentle hand on his shoulder, I crouched so I could look Rahul in the eyes. “The truth of the matter is, you’re right; I could have sold that gun to the Losties who in turn gave it to Tamil. We’ll never know for sure. I’ll own up to that, even knowing there’s nothing I can do to replace your son or relieve you of the grief you’ve carried for all these years.

  “Here’s the harder part of this. Your son chose to use that gun. He chose to run with the Losties. His choice, not mine or yours, but his. It cost him his life.”

  Tears filled the old man’s eyes. “I drove him there. I was too hard on him.”

  “You made your choices, same as the rest of us, and you get to live with them. I face it every day.” I folded my hands and shook them in his direction. “I have perhaps gotten too good at hiding that fact, but I can promise you that not a day goes by since I came home that I don’t ask the gods for clarity and wisdom in dealing with my past. May I keep the gun?”

  Rahul hesitated and for a moment I thought he would refuse. However, he finally nodded. “I think perhaps it will better serve you as a reminder of the lives you are now responsible for, Your Majesty, and better serve me as only a memory.”

  Nodding, I gripped his shoulder briefly and smiled. “Shiva’s blessings on you, Rahul.”

  “And on you, Majesty.”

  “Thank you, Majesty,” Askansha said, as her father moved off to speak with Emmory. “He has been holding on to this grief for so long. I think, maybe now, he’ll let it go and live the rest of his days playing with his grandchildren.”

  “Maybe.” I reached out and squeezed her hand. “Your father needs help, and I will gladly provide the money.”

  “Majesty, we don’t want your money.”

  “It’s not an offer, it’s an order.” I tempered the words with a smile. “Grief is a funny thing, it sneaks up and sinks its teeth into us and never really releases us. I can see it in your eyes, too, even though you’ve pushed it aside for his sake.”

  A tear slipped free, sliding down her cheek, and she brushed it away. “I loved my brother, Majesty, but I’m still so angry at him. He threw his life away. He was selfish and spoiled and didn’t care that he hurt the people who loved him. My father has painted over his memory with this varnish of sainthood and it infuriates me. He’s wasted all these years grieving and these past months obsessing over you. I needed him, and he wasn’t there.” She glanced over her shoulder at her father. “I would be as selfish as Tamil if I told him all this. So I don’t.” Straightening her shoulders and forcing out a smile that broke my heart, she curtsied again, smoother this time. “You have carried your share of grief, Majesty. I hope you find some rest from it all. Thank you.”

  I watched her join her father, wrapping her arm around his waist and escorting him from the room. Emmory looked in my direction, and I waved a hand. He nodded and left Hao and me alone. Hao didn’t move when the door closed, but his shoulders tensed.

  Staring down at the warped and twisted Grendel sitting in its little box, I took a deep breath and dove into the conversation my brother had been trying to avoid for months.

  Yuánfèn could be translated as fate, but I knew there was so much more weight to the word than that and I suspected whatever it was had to do with this odd orbit Hao and I had found ourselves in for the last twenty years.

  “Gita interrupted us earlier. Now we are alone. Are you going to tell me what’s going on with you?”

  “It doesn’t concern you, sha zhu.”

  I took the ruined gun out of the box and rolled it over in my hands. “You concern me, big brother,” I replied in Cheng. “You have not been yourself lately. I can see it clear as sunshine through glass. You used to trust me enough to confide in me; but now it seems I am not worthy enough to share a burden you carry.” I crossed the room and dropped to a knee behind him. “What must I do to regain the faith you once had in me?”

  “Hail.” My name was followed by a curse, and Hao turned, yanking me to my feet. “Don’t. You can’t do things like that. You are the bloody empress of Indrana, not a member of my crew.”

  “As we have established, but I am your sister, am I not? Or have we been lying to each other all these years?”

  His hands flexed on my upper arms, tightening to the point of pain as my words stabbed at the demon Hao was wrestling with.

  “I don’t understand what is bothering you.” I pushed further. “What is going on, Hao? Why you won’t just tell me what the fuck is going on so I can help you?”

  “There is nothing you can do. You are the problem, not the solution. My life would have been easier if you’d been the orphan you claimed to be!” He shoved me away, the muscles of his jaw tightening as he closed his eyes and jammed both hands into his hair.

  Shock and hurt coursed through me, a thousand cuts opening up all at once from the sharp edges of his words. I was the problem, or rather the Empress of Indrana was the problem. I felt the tears building in the back of my eyes as I struggled to keep this last little piece of my past from slipping away. It was an awful choice—Hao or the empire—but one I’d already made, and obviously one that had split us in ways I’d never even considered.

  Hao opened his eyes, visibly getting his temper under control before he reached for me. “Hail, I didn’t mean that.”

  I backed away. “No. Fine.” Putting my hands up between us and fighting off the tears I didn’t dare let fall, instead I grabbed onto the anger and held it up like a shield. “That’s fine. If I’m the problem, I will just—I’ll get out of your fucking way. Go back to your life. Leave my ship here, I’ll have Alba help you find something to buy or transport off—”

  “Would you listen to me?”

  “No, I have obviously been wrong about us. We aren’t—” The words stuck in my throat so I pushed open the door, ruined gun still clutched in my hand, startling my BodyGuards. No one said a word out loud, though I’m sure the conversation over the com link was fast and furious as they scrambled to catch up with me when I strode from the room. I kept my eyes locked on a spot several meters ahead of me while I chanted, Don’t fucking c
ry in my head to the rhythm of my shoes on the tile.

  “Straight to the aircar, Majesty?” Emmory murmured the question near my ear after he matched his steps to mine.

  “Yes, just you and Zin, please. Everyone else can follow. And give my apologies to Anju if you would for not staying longer.”

  “I will, Majesty.” Emmory peeled off, Zin taking his place without comment. Gita and the others were in front of me when we cleared the door.

  I pasted a smile on my face and held up my free hand to the crowd gathered several meters away from the entrance. Scanning the blur of faces more out of habit than anything, my eyes caught on a pair of warm brown eyes in a round, wrinkled face. The old woman smiled, folding her hands together and pressing them to heart, lips, and head. I nodded in acknowledgment and then let Zin usher me into the aircar.

  Emmory joined us and I curled into a ball on the opposite seat as the aircar took off, staring dry-eyed at the scenery as it sped by.

  The sticky sindoor on my forehead had dried, and it flaked against my fingers as I touched them to my heart, lips, and head before pressing them to Hanuman’s foot.

  “Durgaam kaj jagat ke jete sugam anugraha tumhre tete.”

  The burden of all difficult tasks of the world become light with your kind grace.

  It had been a very long time since I’d heard a priest recite the devotional hymn to Lord Hanuman, though the words tripped through my brain, recalling moments when Iza and Indula had murmured one phrase or another to each other.

  Now it was my turn, though the words in my throat were as thick as the paste the young priest had swiped down my forehead with a gentle smile.

  My faith had always been a mutable thing, shattered when my father died and lost during my time in the black despite Portis’s best efforts. I’d thought that maybe I’d found it again when I came home, but the statue Zin had bought me became part of the rubble of the palace, and I think my faith had gone with it.

  It was a silly thing, but as the days stretched on and my hours were filled with more practical things, I couldn’t find it in myself to believe again. I did my appearances as expected, but other than that conversation with Ganesh right before we’d left Pashati I couldn’t bring myself to believe overmuch.

  Life was too capricious. If I believed in the gods, I had to believe they were equally capricious. That only made me angry, so I’d discarded the whole train of thought time and again when it floated to the front of my brain.

  The celebration of Hanuman Jayanti on Kurma was our last day on planet, and so I played the dutiful empress and went through the motions, no small part of me waiting for the gods themselves to strike me down for my lack of devotion.

  I got to my feet, the folds of the gorgeous blue sari that had been a gift from the president of the local university and her wife floating around me like falling leaves. Pressing my hands together, I bowed low and then turned from the statue. My BodyGuards formed up around me and we headed from the temple.

  A week had passed since the fight and I’d settled into numbness. I’d attended several more functions and a wholly boring party hosted by the same university president and her wife where I was relieved to have a panic attack over an accidental broken wineglass that required me to leave earlier than planned.

  I’d received four messages from Hao so far that I’d been ignoring, partly because I couldn’t bring myself to read them but also because I had moved from sad to furious back to sad and I wasn’t sure my heart could take any more.

  “Are we staying at the hotel tonight?” I asked Gita as we got into the aircar.

  “Yes, ma’am. Unless you’d rather go back to the Hailimi?”

  “No,” I said. “I’ll sleep in a regular bed while I still have the chance.”

  “They are more comfortable, aren’t they?”

  I turned away from the window to offer a small smile and then looked back at the fields of newly sprouted wheat stretching out across the open space. Wrapping my arms around myself, I pressed my head to the window and stared at my reflection.

  “Majesty, are you all right?”

  “I’m fine.”

  “I know I may be overstepping here, but if you need someone to talk with? I am here.”

  I reached for her hand, squeezed it, and then released her with a sigh. “If I knew what I had done, I could talk about it.” My reflection in the window blurred as the tears gathered and then slipped free. “But I don’t even know that. I only know my brother is angry with me because I am me and there is nothing I can do to fix that, is there? I made my choice to stay with the empire and he has made his.”

  “Hail.” Dropping the formality of her job, Gita slid across the car seat and pulled me into her arms. “It’s not you. Whatever issue has crawled up that man’s ass and died there is not your fault. Please believe that.”

  Part of me knew it and the laughter tangled with my tears. “I wish things had been different between you two. Watching you kick his ass for this would be the highlight of my year.”

  “I still might, Majesty,” Gita said, releasing me. “I won’t lie.”

  “Watch out for his sweeps if you do, he’s damn tricky with them.” I rubbed my hands over my face. “I’m sorry I’ve been rather difficult to deal with on this stop.”

  “You don’t have anything to apologize for.”

  “I know; I still will, though.” I mustered up a small smile as the aircar dipped down to the front of the hotel. It disappeared when I spotted Hao and Dailun standing on the wide steps.

  Dailun smiled, dropping into a bow as I climbed the steps. Hao remained upright and I let my eyes settle on his for a moment before I looked down at Dailun with a smile.

  “How was temple, jiejie?” he asked, coming up out of the bow with a smile of his own.

  “It was nice.” I leaned in to kiss his cheek. “Are you headed out?” I couldn’t bring myself to ask if Dailun was going with Hao or staying with me. Alba had already reported Hao’s refusal to either purchase a new ship or allow her to transfer credits into his account.

  “I believe we are traveling the rest of the way with you. I can find someone to take the War Bastard back to Pashati if you’d rather avoid the wear and tear on her.”

  “No,” I said, quickly enough that Hao raised an eyebrow. “You’re enjoying flying her, go ahead. I’ll see you on our next stop.”

  Dailun dipped his head. “Of course.”

  I started for the door, Gita at my side, stopping when Hao spoke.

  “Your Majesty, may I have a moment?”

  “You may not,” I said, not turning around.

  “Hail—”

  “Her Majesty doesn’t wish to speak with you.” Gita did turn, her hand on her Hessian.

  “How am I supposed to apologize if she won’t talk to me?”

  “That is not our problem, Cheng Hao.” Gita’s voice was ice. “It’s yours, as is the fact that you have five seconds to step away before I shoot you.”

  “You wouldn’t dare—”

  The hissing whine of her Hessian 45 powering up was enough to shock Hao into silence. I heard Dailun whisper something and the echo of their footsteps moving away before Gita rejoined me.

  “You wouldn’t have shot him,” I murmured.

  “Not anywhere important. He is your brother, after all,” she replied, and it was enough to drag a laugh out of me.

  27

  Still nothing from the Farians?” Alice sighed at my head shake. “You’d think the Solarians would lean on them as least as hard as they did the whole time Indrana was fighting with the Saxons.”

  “The Solarians leaned on us because it was disrupting their shipping opportunities, nothing more.”

  “Listen to you, sounding like a bitter old politician,” Alice teased, and I chuckled.

  “I was bitter before I ever left home, believe me. What’s new at home?”

  “Taz got the proposal approved by the university committee. Despite the prime minister’s attempts to blo
ck him, the university presidents all voted in favor of his plan.” Alice smiled. “I’m proud of him. You should have seen how happy he was.”

  “I’ll bet. He worked hard on that.” We’d made him rewrite the proposal four times until he’d been cursing at me, but according to Alice’s keen eye the final draft had hit all the right points. “It’s a great first step and I’m looking forward to it doing so well on Pashati that they move the program to the other universities in the empire.”

  “So am I.” Alice shifted on her couch with a muttered curse. “I will also be relieved when this little girl decides to make her appearance.”

  “Soon?” I’d lost track of time on Pashati, which was common out in the black.

  “A few weeks, hopefully no more than that. Even money is on her showing up before the Farians finally agree to the peace talks.”

  I snorted with laughter. “Shiva will show up before they agree to it, from the sounds of things.”

  I’d gotten several messages from Ambassador Zellin and from Mia; even Fasé had eventually calmed down to the idea of being involved in the peace talks—likely because of Sybil’s interference. Everyone was on board for the talks.

  Everyone except for the Farians, who were silently stonewalling the Solarians, and the tension in my gut had only gotten worse with every day that passed without a reply.

  “I’ll admit I was unsure at first about your plan, but I have spoken with Sybil and she put me in touch with Farians here on Pashati who support Fasé’s cause.” Alice shook her head. “I think Fasé—and by extension, Indrana—is on the right path here. Faria has been isolated for a long time; their people are growing tired of it when they know there is a whole galaxy waiting for them.”

  “Did they give you a sense of how many Farians back home support Fasé?”

  “Not specifically,” Alice replied. “They are still having to be very cautious because of the Pedalion’s enforcers. I get the impression there are a lot, and their numbers are growing every day. It could be enough to overthrow the Pedalion even without peace with the Shen.”