For Nicky

by A. D. Ellis

  Notice anything missing from that list of my perfect life? Yeah, me too. I don’t date. Well, that’s not true, I dated once. It was a massive failure. So, now I don’t date. It’s not that I don’t want to date, but I’m pretty gun shy after what happened. Most of the guys always noticed Audrey first and she’d always make sure they knew I was a freaky weirdo. Those were her words, not mine, but over the years she’s made me believe them. The boys who MAY have liked me were scared away by Audrey or the stories she told about me. My first kiss ended up being the one guy I dated. Audrey knew I wanted to be kissed (I was way past sweet 16 with NO lip lock action) and she had pried out of me that I thought Austin Douglas was cute. She set us up to meet at the park. We were both nervous, but I was so excited thinking Austin may like me rather than Audrey. Every boy liked Audrey and she liked ALL of them—athletic, popular, bad boys, good boys, she didn’t care. While I hadn’t been kissed yet, Audrey had been doing A LOT more than kissing by age 16. I hated that the school gossip was that Audrey slept with pretty much any boy willing (and they were ALL willing!) and I hated more that I knew it wasn’t just gossip. One good thing about moving around so much was that Audrey got a new slate with each move. Too bad she also got a fresh batch of boys to toy around with. Audrey had no desire to fall in love. She just wanted fun and sex (preferably together). She was always careful and never promised the boys more than a good time. Heck, from what I saw in the back of a pickup truck one night, she promised both boys AND girls a good time. I never asked Audrey about that night, but let’s just say there were too many arms, legs, and boobs to have been just one guy and one girl.

  And, yet, I was 17 with not so much as a kiss. So, Austin Douglas and I walked a while in the park and made small talk. I didn’t know how this was supposed to lead to a kiss, but Audrey had said it would work. When we came to a shaded area, Austin gently backed me up to a tree. My heart was about to knock out of my chest and I was having trouble breathing. Should I close my eyes? Audrey didn’t tell me much other than, “Remember, tongue can be fun!” Austin leaned in and I saw his dark brown eyes close as I closed my own grey-green eyes. I felt his breath on my face and I smelled the gum he’d just spit out (um, gross!) His lips brushed against mine softly. After a few seconds, he increased the pressure of his mouth on mine and I was beginning to feel like I’d been cheated of this wonderful thing called kissing. I put my arms around his neck and he pulled me closer to him. Something hard nudged my lower hip. Holy moly! Was that what I think it was? Austin’s tongue clumsily pushed its way into my mouth. Eeeewww! It was slimy and fat; tongue is NOT fun my dear Audrey. When I pulled back a little, Austin stopped and backed away. I began to stammer a little and he chucked me on the shoulder and told me he had somewhere to be.

  The next day, I was surprised when Austin asked me if I wanted to go out with him. I agreed. Looking back, I probably should have questioned his motive, but no guy had ever shown interest in me and I thought he was super cute, so we became a couple. Audrey would always ask me about things that Austin and I did together or things I wanted to do. In hindsight, it should have seemed weird that I’d mention something I wanted to do and the next day or two would bring Austin doing just what I’d talked about. She did this with mundane every day type things like which movies I wanted to see and which restaurants I wanted to go to; she also did this with more intimate things. For instance, she’d ask if I had ever given a blowjob and the next day or two would bring Austin asking for a blowjob, which I never had any desire to do. Or Audrey would smile in that sly way that only she can pull off and say, “Do you let Austin finger you? Oh my God! You’ve not let him touch you there yet, have you?!” Then by week’s end, Austin would be shoving his hand down my pants and introducing me, albeit clumsily and anticlimactically, to the finer points involved in fingering me.

  Austin and I dated throughout my senior year. He was a decent boyfriend, although I had nothing to compare it to; we went out on regular dates, spent time with some friends, went to school functions, and made out. I don’t know if the kissing got any better or if I just got used to it. It sure wasn’t the sparks and heat like you read about in romance novels, but it’s what everyone was doing so I went with it. Audrey started nagging me about having sex with Austin. She would tell me that if I didn’t hook up with him, he’d find it somewhere else because guys have needs and I should be keeping my guy satisfied. So, of course, being the unsure, overshadowed sister, I started thinking that maybe I should follow Audrey’s advice. Having a mother or mother figure to talk to at this point in my life would have been very welcome, but my mother was gone and Captain Decker definitely wasn’t dating, so I was left to my own decision making skills, along with Audrey’s sage wisdom. Not a good combination!

  Basketball Homecoming my senior year was special because we’d actually been at this school for the whole school year and it looked like I’d get to graduate with these classmates! Austin and I had fun dancing at Homecoming and he seemed really pleased with himself when he told me that we could go to his cousin’s house because no one would be home. I wasn’t really totally on board with this, but Audrey’s words rang in my ears about losing him, so I agreed to go. He said we could watch movies and do whatever else we wanted. As a grown woman now, I truly wish I could go back and give my 18 year-old self some advice and NOT worry about losing Austin. But, as it is, the experience helped to shape me into who I am today, and I’m pretty proud of that person. So, I look at it as a life lesson.

  Once we got to Austin’s cousin’s house, Austin started making out with me. We’d done this numerous times but he seemed a little more frenzied tonight. He was groping at me more than ever and I was shocked when he ripped my panties to the side and shoved a finger inside me. He told me all the things I thought I needed or wanted to hear, I was hot, I was making him so hard, he made it seem like I had some sort of power in the situation. I felt a little heady with all that was going on and I decided that we could take this a little further than we’d ever gone. I helped him out of his shirt and pants while he unzipped and lowered my dress. Parts of my mind registered that we were in his cousin’s living room and that this wasn’t exactly how I’d pictured my first time. But, I had decided this was my senior year and I was going to keep my boyfriend. Again, grown-up me is shaking my head in disappointment and embarrassment, but these are things you learn as you gain life experiences. Austin kneaded at my breasts, nipped at my nipples, and shoved not one but two fingers inside me this time. I kept thinking that this was supposed to be a little more romantic and loving but since it was my first time I figured maybe it would get better. Austin laid me down on the couch and then dug around in his pants pockets for a condom to put on. I do have to commend him on that decision because I would have never spoken up and asked him to put one on. He positioned himself between my legs. I knew it would hurt and it did. I kept thinking that the pain would subside, but it didn’t. I wanted to like this, I really did, but it was just terrible. It hurt, it was awkward, and I felt like I was doing something wrong since Austin was so obviously enjoying it. Well, I mean, I think he was enjoying it if his grunts, groans, sweating, and his repeated, “Oh, baby” were any indication. I laid there until he was finished and every single thought that ran through my mind centered around, “What. The. Fuck. Was. That?!”

  Austin was all about sex after that. He was constantly trying to find places where we could be alone. The sex didn’t hurt so much anymore but it certainly wasn’t the way I had thought it would be. He’d kiss me, squeeze my boobs, stick a finger inside me, and then strip my pants off. He never even undressed me or himself; his pants were usually just down far enough to get himself out. Luckily, the condom always had a little lubrication, because I was never ready for him. That fact never seemed to affect Austin. He’d just root his way in, grunt and groan for a couple minutes, then collapse on top of me. I don’t think he ever realized that sex sucked for me. Seriously, I was just a large scale hand-job for him. And, stupid me, though
t this was acceptable! Audrey was quick to let me know that I must have been doing something wrong if it wasn’t good for me. Of course, it was my fault that the sex sucked. It couldn’t have had anything to do with the fact that we were inexperienced high school kids who had no actual emotion between us.

  One day, I was supposed to meet Austin at his house after school. His parents were never home so I walked on in and headed to his room. I heard some knocking noises and then voices. When I got to his room, the door was cracked. Audrey was on top of Austin, her back to his face, riding him in a way that they both seemed to greatly enjoy. Austin didn’t see me, he was obviously too busy, but Audrey looked right at me and smiled an evil grin. As Austin shuddered and came, Audrey just smugly said, “Ooops, I guess you weren’t doing it well enough, Beth. I told you that you were going to lose your man!”

  At first, I didn’t know who I was angrier with, Audrey, Austin, or myself. I decided to let myself off the hook, I had been played by both of them. So, while I was sad that I’d given something to Austin that he didn’t deserve, I wasn’t mad at myself for falling for it. I was mad at Austin, but he’d also just been a pawn in Audrey’s game. I was hurt and irritated that he played Audrey’s game for the whole time we dated. Oh, yeah, Audrey relished telling me that part. “Oh, Beth, you can’t think that Austin stayed with you that long without getting a little something on the side, can you? I’d been fucking him the whole time you dated! In fact, the only way I would keep fucking him was if he played my little game. Don’t feel bad, you never would have kept him interested when he had me to turn to. Don’t you get it? I control everyone around me. I made sure you walked in on us that day! The look on your face was priceless!”

  So, yeah, after being totally played by my sister and one of her many boy-toys, I swore off dating for a while. I did go out a few times in college, but I was always very leery. Who knew how far Audrey would go to mess with me and make herself feel powerful and in control? So, I stuck to mostly friends and just focused on my studies. But, now, I’m feeling lonelier and I’m feeling like I want to try dating again. But, with Audrey in town, there’s no telling which guys she’s slept with (or, more accurately, which ones she HASN’T slept with) and I don’t know what horrible stories she’s told about me to the guys in town. Audrey has never, and probably will never, apologize for the situation in high school. I sort of let it go, and I just take good days with Audrey when I can. Sometimes I feel like it’s just not worth the confrontation with Audrey; she plays dirty and I can never win. It makes me sad because all I’ve ever wanted is to have a sister and a friend.

  Chapter 4

  Elizabeth

  Audrey moved to town to be with my dad and me shortly after we moved here. I’m not exactly sure why she wanted to be close to us, unless it was just so she could mess with me. Audrey didn’t go to college, she was more the school of life type. She’s had a lot of jobs. Starbucks, waitress, and cashier didn’t work out because she’s not good with taking orders from people or being polite unless it suits her. She worked for about one week at a childcare center. The parents complained about her immediately. Her clothes, her words, her lack of compassion, all of those things meant that she wasn’t quite suited for the childcare industry. She tried working at the library along with me but complained that it was “so boring to just sit around looking at books.” I’m pretty sure she tried exotic dancing for a while. She wasn’t very specific, but I think she got fired for having sex with the customers. When a guy pays money and the girl has sex with him, it’s usually frowned upon. In fact, I’m almost positive it’s called prostitution.

  So, Audrey has a varied work history but she seems to have landed the perfect job for her now. Did I mention that Audrey is now a party planner? She’s really good at it, of course. It helps that she’s the ONLY party planner in town. She’s constantly doing kids’ parties, bachelorette parties, weddings, baby showers, etc. Audrey has been bugging me to have a party at the community center. Ok, maybe badgering is a more accurate word. She said it would be good for business, both hers and mine, but I think she’s more concerned about her business than mine. She also said the center could use it as a socializing activity. I believe her exact words were, “Those types of people you work with don’t stand a chance in the real world, so let’s give them their own little party so they can at least try to seem less like freaks.” Um, yeah, Audrey isn’t real comfortable around differently abled people. I know it’s wrong but I just ignore her comments, it’s easier than confronting her about it. I love the people I work with and I consider them all special and unique individuals. Anyway, I finally gave in to Audrey’s constant requests and let her start planning a party. She thought an October Fall party would be good. So we decided on a Saturday afternoon in mid-October. We were planning on all the typical fall stuff—hay rides, bobbing for apples, pumpkin carving, and all sorts of yummy fall themed food. I’m a sucker for anything pumpkin-y so fall foods are a must! We sent out pumpkin shaped invites to all the students and workers at the center, and we put up signs all around town. I was actually getting really excited about the party. I could tell the students were super excited. One of my favorite students, Nick, was almost beside himself with excitement. He was looking forward to showing me how he could read part of a book I had suggested for him. But, mostly, he was excited for me to meet his twin brother, Nathan. I wasn’t expecting much from meeting his brother, after all, my track record with guys was pretty crappy. But, I figured if I went into the meeting with no hopes, it would be easier when the brother smiled casually at me and then turned a heated gaze toward my sister. So, I agreed to meet Nathan. For Nicky.

  Chapter 5

  Nicky

  I am really excited about the Fall Party at the center. I want to show Miss Elizabeth how I can read that book she gave me. I also want to play games and eat treats. I am excited about the hayride with my friends. But, the best part is my brother, Nate, is coming! He’s been to the center before but he’s not been there since Miss Elizabeth came. He’s going to love her. I want her to be Nate’s girlfriend so she can be like my sister and my friend. Some people think I’m not smart, but I know enough to know that Nate likes girls. He never brings girls around; I think he doesn’t want to mess up our brother time. But, Nate will love Miss Elizabeth, I just know it. She’s so smart and so pretty. I love our brother time, but I would be happy to let Miss Elizabeth play video games with us. I would even give up video games and start reading more books for Miss Elizabeth. I wonder if she could talk Nate into reading books. He’s not much into reading.

  Chapter 6

  Audrey

  Ugh! This party at the center is starting to really bug me! I just want to get it over with. I know I suggested it, and it’s good for my business, but it’s still annoying me. We are hoping that businesses around town will see how great the center is and offer materials and money throughout the year to help out. My sister is good at what she does, but the more money and materials she can get, the easier her job will be. My sister is…..well, she’s just Beth. Sure, I give her a rough time, but she just makes it so damn easy. She has brown hair, grey-green eyes, and a decent body that she hides under ugly clothes. Well, I guess they aren’t ugly, but they aren’t stylish like mine. She runs a lot so she’s in good shape. I wish she’d wear her contacts more but she tends to wear jeans and glasses way more than I’d like. She’s always been shy and quiet. Honestly, I feel bad for her sometimes because a lot of people thought she was sort of freaky when we were growing up. But, she seems happy being her freaky, quiet, little boring self so I’ll let her be the spinster librarian and I’ll continue being the fabulous one! And, not to brag, but I am pretty fabulous!! While Beth has plain brown hair and grey green eyes, I have gorgeous blonde hair and big blue eyes. Beth has a light dusting of freckles, but my skin is flawless. We both have a great mouth with full red lips; but I definitely know how to use mine better! Beth isn’t tall, maybe about 5’7” but I’m more petite at 5’4”.
Everything about Beth is average, in my opinion, whereas I’m more knock out material. I mean, I’m obviously hot because I can get any guy I want. Sex for me is recreational. It’s not love or special. It’s hot and heavy and meaningless. And I’m always in control; I call the shots, I’m in power. The guys, and few girls, I sleep with know this and we always have fun with no strings or expectations. Like I said, sex is just fun.

  Anyway, I am getting pretty creeped out about this party. Every time I’m at the center, the students get way too close to me and they just want to babble about the food and the games. I just don’t get these “handicapped” people. Can’t they tone it down a bit? Eeeewww, stop with the hugs and touching. I understand they are retarded or whatever, but maybe they should just stay home then. The rest of us shouldn’t have to be made uncomfortable just so they can have a meaningless, dead-end job. Like, this guy at the grocery story, I think his name is Nicholas. He found out that Beth is my sister so now he tries to talk to me all the time about “Miss Elizabeth.” He’s always smiling and almost jumping up and down; it’s embarrassing really, for him and for me if anyone saw me around him. Seriously, just sack my groceries and don’t speak to me. Eeeewww! I need this party to be over so my business can pick up and then I can be done with these freaks!