For Nicky

by A. D. Ellis

  A knock on my door brings me out of my contemplations. I open the door and almost fall over in relief when I see Libby on my door step. She looks like death warmed over and I can tell by the look on her face when she sees me that I don’t look any better. My heart and stomach both lurch and drop at the broken hearted look I see on Libby’s face. Aside from being drugged and date raped by Audrey, I’m not sure there’s a more devastating nightmare than knowing I hurt Libby and predicting that this is her goodbye to me.

  “Nate, I’m not going to come in, I think I have the flu. I know we were supposed to go out tonight, but based on the fact that I’m sick and you were fucking my sister the last time I saw you, I don’t think another date is a good idea. In fact, as much as I had hoped this thing between us was going somewhere, I think it’s best if we stop seeing each other completely. I was having a hard time thinking about you having sex with my sister before you knew me; I can’t get over you fucking my sister while you were dating me. Good-bye, Nate.” Libby turned on her heal, with angry tears in her eyes, and started to leave.

  Ok, she was pissed. I could work with pissed. “Libby, wait. You don’t have to come in, but I don’t think you have the flu, Libby-girl. Can you hear me out, please? If you’re cold out here, you can come in, wrap up in a blanket, get some tea, and just listen. If, in the end, you don’t believe me, you can leave and we can be over. Please, Libby.”

  I saw the wavering look in her eyes. She was mad and she was hurt, but she still wanted this to work, I could tell that she didn’t completely believe that I would have betrayed her that way. “Fine, I’m freezing and tea sounds good. But, Nate, the image of you fucking my sister is burned in my mind so there’s not much chance of you convincing me of anything.” Libby walked through the door and bundled up on the couch with a blanket. I went and got her some hot tea. Five minutes later we were seated in my living room, much farther apart than I would have liked, but I took what I could get.

  “Libby, first, I need you to know that I don’t recall 100% of the night, but I do know that I hurt you, albeit it without meaning to, and I want to apologize. Second, I don’t want to be rude, but I can’t stand your sister. I’m not sure hate is even a strong enough word. Seriously, there have been times when I’ve questioned dating you because of Audrey. She’s a mess and I truly don’t know if I can be around her. That said, I may have screwed this up so badly that it’s not an issue, but I need you to know that there’s no way on God’s green Earth I would have had sex with Audrey again. The first time was bad enough, I would never have done that again even if you weren’t in the picture. But, Libby, you ARE in the picture. You’re in the picture I have for my future. I would have NEVER had sex with her, on her couch, in her house, knowing you’d be coming back any second. You know your sister, you know me, if you think about this enough, you’re going to know that Audrey had something to do with this and that you and I were just innocent victims in her twisted mind games. So, all that being said, my theory is that Audrey slipped something in our drinks. I can barely remember details from that night, but I remember being freaked out that I couldn’t move. I could hardly keep my eyes open, I couldn’t speak clearly. One of the last thoughts in my mind was I felt like I was drugged. I only drank one glass of wine. I think Audrey had put something in both our drinks, mine obviously had more. Heck, she may have had something to do with the phone call you got. I was completely out of it until my dad pounded on my door like a madman this morning. I had missed 56 calls and 23 texts from my parents. I don’t even know how I got home that night.” I stopped talking because I could see Libby shutting down. She was shaking her head and I knew she didn’t believe me. I wasn’t done, but I knew she was going to need some time and would need to come to her own conclusions.

  “Libby, I know you’re going to need some time. I’m not going anywhere. In fact, I will probably curl up in my room for a while and contemplate what basically constitutes me being raped by a girl I can’t stand in front of a girl I could possibly love. Think about that night. Think about Audrey and how she’s treated you your whole life. Think of how messed up she is and how she wants to control every situation. If you come to the conclusion that you and I were puppets in her fucked up little power game, please come talk to me. I don’t know that we can salvage this whole thing. Audrey will always be your sister. You will always have the knowledge and image of her and me together. We’ve both been hurt by her. Can we move on? I don’t know, but I want us to at least move past this part because this part sucks.”

  Libby stood, folded the blanket, and started to cry. “I don’t want this to be the end, Nate. You are an amazing guy and I want to move past my crazy sister fucking up my life. But, she’s my sister, Nate. She’s mean and she’s a bitch and she’s a bully, but I don’t think she would actually drug me or anyone else. First, where would Audrey get drugs? Second, she said you drank like three glasses of wine. Third, she’s never physically hurt me, she’d have to know that drugging someone is dangerous. Audrey is mean, but she’d never do something like this. Never. You’re right, this part sucks, hopefully we can move past this and at least be friends. I can’t imagine not having you in my life, and I’d hate to stop seeing Nicky.” A look of dismay shadowed Libby’s face. “Oh, God, he’s going to be so upset. Nate, let’s take a few days and talk about it later, ok?” Libby walked to me and wrapped her arms around my waist and buried her face in my chest. I felt it then, in that moment, with her arms around me and her face breathing me in, this wasn’t over. However, we had a long road to get over the hurt and betrayal. The first step was for Libby to accept the betrayal of her sister. I knew she was strong enough to do this, my doubts came with knowing Libby would have to accept the type of person her sister was.

  Now, my first step, at least for today, is to go apologize to my parents for scaring them. Just how much should I share with them? I don’t want them to think I did that to them over a simple hangover, but I also don’t know if it’s right to involve them in something as crazy as what is happening.

  Chapter 45

  Libby

  I walked out of Nate’s place with a heavy heart and a racing mind. I know I gave him good solid reasons, but I was already questioning every single one of them. Audrey knew some highly questionable people, I’m sure she could get drugs in a heartbeat. Nate wasn’t much of a drinker so three glasses of wine in that time span would have been totally unlike him. On the other hand, Nate’s a bigger guy, three glasses of wine shouldn’t have messed him up that badly. Third, Audrey hasn’t ever physically hurt me, but she’s controlled my life and hurt me emotionally all my life, well, at least since Mom died. Audrey was very irritated with Nate and me being together. She was irate that Nate put her in her place and stood up for me, especially in front of people.

  But, NO, she’s still my sister, I know she’d never hurt me like this.

  Would she?

  On my walk home, I decided I’d take a day or two to contemplate things, then I’d go talk to Audrey. I already missed Nate like crazy, but there was no way of us moving on if Audrey was still controlling my life. I felt like a heart-to-heart with Audrey would be hard but necessary.

  Two days later, I was running around the track, and my brain and heart had yet to find resolution. I had seen that Nate was running at the park so I decided I’d run here instead. Seeing him had my heart hurting and my brain churning. I kept going over things in my mind….Audrey asking us over when she obviously didn’t like the idea of us together, Audrey insisting we drink her wine, the phone call from the shipping company, Nate seeming so out of it, me feeling so horrible that night and the next morning from just one glass of wine? My mind kept wanting to make connections, like a dot-to-dot picture, but my heart kept shutting down the lines I was trying to draw between the dots. My mind was trying to solve a puzzle, my heart was trying to save me from major heartache.

  Chapter 46

  Audrey

  Ugh, Max keeps texting me. He says I owe him one
more round for the amount of drugs he gave me. I know this guy and he won’t give up. Plus, he could quickly get me in trouble if he told anyone that I’d bought drugs from him. Ok, in reality, I traded sex for drugs, but either way, I could be in trouble. I could have gone out and found some sex, but since Max was eager and I wouldn’t need to suffer through a date, I told him he could come over tomorrow, but with some stipulations. One, he had to give me a few more pills just in case I would ever need more. Two, he had to park somewhere else and walk to my place and come to the back door. I can’t have anyone seeing me with him. I may have sex with a lot of random people, but I have to keep my reputation clean, and Max would definitely sully a clean rep.

  Chapter 47

  Libby

  Today is the day I plan on having a heart-to heart with Audrey. I didn’t call to let her know I was coming over. Part of me is hoping she’s not home, part of me thinks that she has less time to think of excuses if she’s surprised when I get there. Yeah, most of me is hoping she’s not home. I hate confrontation, and I know Audrey is automatically going to get defensive and probably start lashing out. When Audrey starts lashing out, I’m usually her first target. I’m not planning on blaming her for things, I just want her to know how hurt I am by her actions over the years and that I just want a good relationship with my sister. Ugh, I had planned out what I was going to say, but now my head and heart are a jumbled mess. Am I really going to do this? It’s like I’m poking a hibernating bear…..very dangerous. Audrey will turn this all around on me, and I’ll leave feeling horrible about myself. Maybe this is a bad idea. No, I think of Nate and Nicky, and I know I have to do this. Getting to know Nicky and watching his confidence in himself has taught me to stand up for myself. Nate has taught me that I’m worth more than Audrey’s treatment of me. I will do this. I just need to sit and gather my thoughts. I pick a grassy spot outside of Audrey’s apartment under her kitchen window. I settle in to re-plan what I’m going to say to her in hopes of not setting her off yet still getting my message across. I just want a sister, a friend. And I want to stop having to walk on eggshells around her wondering when she’s going to hurt me again.

  As I’m sitting under Audrey’s kitchen window, I observe that she has left it open. Audrey has a nasty habit of smoking on occasion. I notice she only does it when she’s feeling the most stressed or something is bothering her. She must have been smoking in her kitchen and opened the window to keep the smell out. I’m sitting there and I hear Audrey and a male voice.

  “Listen, bitch, the amount I gave you goes for much higher than one measly fuck! You can either give me the money, or we can take another stab at a different form of payment. I’m thinking a blow job and letting me pound that pretty pussy once more would cover it all.”

  Oh. My. God! Who was this man? What payment is he talking about? Surely Audrey will tell him to shove it and get out. I’m wondering if I should call the police or bust in there and save Audrey? Honestly, though, she doesn’t sound scared and I’m shocked yet disgustingly intrigued to figure out what is going on.

  “Oh, Max, I think we can arrange payment easily,” Audrey purrs. “However, for a blow job and another fuck, I’m going to have to ask for a few more pills. You know, just in case.”

  WHAT. THE. HELL?! That was Audrey’s reply? Is she actually agreeing to sleep with some guy for pills? What are the pills for?? Who is this guy? I stay seated on the grass under her kitchen window, listening in on this conversation as if I’m living in an alternate universe where I’ve been dropped into a very low rate soap opera.

  “Listen up, before you do something stupid and kill someone, bitch. You can’t go slipping these pills in people’s drinks every time you need something to go your way. You can’t be sure of their reaction to the drug and different people react differently each time. The first time you slipped these things to your victims may have went the way you wanted it to, but the next time could have very different results. I don’t recommend going around drugging people just to get things to work out your way. But, I can see I’m talking to a stubborn bitch and I doubt you’ll change your ways. However, I will give you what you want, on one condition. I want your mouth sucking my cock and I want to fuck your ass before I get to that pretty pussy. Do we have a deal?” I hadn’t seen Max yet, but from the crude words he used and the dirty sound of his voice, I was guessing he was greasy and filthy.

  “Max, I appreciate your concern. I don’t plan on needing to drug them anymore, but I want the security of knowing I’ve got the pills just in case I need them. Besides, you were right about the dosing the first time. Nate was completely out of it and Beth was loopy enough to fall for the phone call. Neither of them seem to remember a thing. If they knew something, they would have been here by now or I would have heard something. I will stick to the same dosage if I ever need to use the pills again. You drive a hard bargain, but since I don’t have the type of cash you’d need, I guess you have yourself a deal. But let’s make this quick, I have things I need to do today. And, we can do it right here in the kitchen. I don’t need you in any other part of my house. ”

  I felt like I was going to throw up. My heart was about to beat out of my chest. I knew I should get up, but I didn’t think my legs could hold me. My world just came crashing down around me as I listened. My sister, the person who should have been my best friend, the person who I always hoped would eventually come around to loving me again, the person who has humiliated me over half of my life, is going to trade sex for drugs. Again. Drugs that she just admitted to using on Nate and me. There are so many things wrong with this picture. My mind is racing like a Formula One car. How should I handle this? Bust in? Call the cops? Call my dad? Pretend it didn’t happen? Text Nate letting him know he was right? I can’t seem to come to a decision, so I just sit there, under the kitchen window, numb and defeated. My own sister. My own sister drugged me. My own sister purposely had sex with my boyfriend in front of me. Again.

  As I sat there, with thoughts bouncing through my head like rabid ping-pong balls, the sounds of Audrey’s payment floats through the window. Audrey seems to be just getting it over with, but this Max guy seems to be totally enjoying himself. A deranged part of me can’t help but think that I’ve only had crappy sex with one guy and my sister is getting ready to have some random guy fuck her ass……for pills…..to drug me……to keep me from having a boyfriend…….this is beyond fucked up. I turn and pop my head up to the window in time to see Max leaning against the counter, his hands directing Audrey’s head on his, uh, self. I quickly sit back down, sure that I’ll vomit if I watch any more. Not only am I sick over the vile information that is now tainting my mind like toxic sewage, but I was right about Max. In the brief glimpse I got of him, his long, stringy, oily hair hung in his face and his skin had the grimy pallor one would expect of a drug user. His clothes were stained and gave the appearance of being long unlaundered. The worst part of the whole scene that had unfolded before me was that my sister had him in her mouth and it appeared she was going to allow him to use her body in whatever way he demanded. How was this even possible? When had this become my life? This type of sordid story didn’t happen to regular, every day type people. I feel as if I’m trudging through someone else’s nightmare. I sit there for a few more minutes, tuning out everything around me. All too soon, I come back to myself and shake my head as if to clear away the cesspool of filth that has seeped into my pores.

  The shock doesn’t wear off, I’m not sure it ever will. The disbelief of what I’ve just witnessed merges with anger to become extreme outrage. Outrage at Audrey. We both lost our mother. We both lived with a dad who certainly could have done a lot better raising us. We both moved around a lot. Why does she get to screw with the lives of other people? Why does she get to bully and power her way through life? Why does she get to control my life and my happiness? Why does she feel the need to whore around to get what she wants? Within the next 30 seconds of sitting there, my outrage turns into an almost vi
olent hatred. I’ve never done a single thing to deserve this treatment. I deserved to have friends and boyfriends and dances and kisses while growing up. Audrey took all of that from me. I deserve to have a man love me now; I won’t let Audrey take that from me this time. I don’t know if Nate and I can save any of what had started between us, but I won’t stand by and let Audrey get away with this. I need a little more time to plan this total confrontation out, but I can’t leave here today without being sure that Audrey knows I’m aware of what she’s done. I get to my feet and walk to the little side door which enters her kitchen. I feel as if I’m in another world; it’s as if I’ve left my body and I watch myself prepare to come face to face with Audrey. I open the door; not trying in the least to be quiet. A sick feeling washes over me as I take in the obscene spectacle before me. Audrey, on her knees, Max buried in her ass. Audrey with a pinched and pained look on her face, like this is less than pleasant, but Max is grunting and groaning like a pig in mud.

  Audrey is in desperate need of help. I can see this now, through my rage and hatred, I recognize that my baby sister is in dire need of urgent help. I am witnessing just how far into trouble she has gotten herself. This is the definition of rock bottom. She just gave a blow job to a drug dealer who is now fucking her ass on her kitchen floor as payment for pills she used to drug me. I’m not passing judgment here, but it’s evident that Audrey is far beyond anything a little confrontation with me may solve. She needs professional help. I will help her, but it’s going to have to be the tough love type help. I’m through with being her victim. I’ve done it for too long and something inside me has snapped today. I won’t suffer at her hand any more. I’ve never seen things as clearly as I do right now. It’s like hearing and seeing all of this removed a pair of rose-colored glasses that I didn’t realize I was wearing and forced me to see the true situation. I don’t know what has caused Audrey to arrive at this point in her life. I’m sad that I didn’t realize how bad it had gotten. I guess I was too busy being her target. The one thought I have before I make my move is that this is all probably going to get worse before it gets better. What’s worse than what I’ve watched Audrey do over the years, most recently what she did with Nate, and the scene unfolding right in front of me? Is there worse than this? That’s what terrifies me.