The Princess and the Absolutely Not a Princess

by Emma Wunsch

  PUBLISHER’S NOTE: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Names: Wunsch, Emma, author. | Von Innerebner, Jessika, illustrator.

  Title: The princess and the-absolutely-not-a-princess / by Emma Wunsch ; Illustrated by Jessika von Innerebner.

  Description: New York : Amulet Books, 2018. | Series: Miranda and Maude ; volume 1 | Summary: Princess Miranda is horrified when her parents insist she attend public school, especially because Maude, who sits next to her in 3B, is everything the princess finds most offensive.

  Identifiers: LCCN 2017052443 | ISBN 978-1-4197-3179-2 (hardcover POB) | eISBN 978-1-68335-402-4

  Subjects: | CYAC: Schools—Fiction. | Princesses—Fiction. | Social action—Fiction. | Friendship—Fiction.

  Classification: LCC PZ7.1.W97 Pri 2018 | DDC [E]—dc23

  Text copyright © 2018 Emma Wunsch

  Illustrations copyright © 2018 Jessika von Innerebner

  Book design by Alyssa Nassner

  Published in 2018 by Amulet Books, an imprint of ABRAMS. All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, mechanical, electronic, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the publisher.

  Amulet Books and Amulet Paperbacks are registered trademarks of Harry N. Abrams, Inc.

  Amulet Books are available at special discounts when purchased in quantity for premiums and promotions as well as fundraising or educational use. Special editions can also be created to specification. For details, contact specialsales@abramsbooks.com or the address below.

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  FOR ANYONE WHO HAS

  EVER GONE TO SCHOOL.

  1

  PRINCESS MIRANDA DOES NOT WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL

  It was Princess Miranda’s first first day of school. She had never been to school before, and she absolutely, positively did not want to go.

  But she was going!

  Just one hour ago, her parents, the king and queen, had woken her up and said, “Time to go to school!”

  At first, Miranda had thought she was dreaming. She was a princess! She lived in an enormous castle filled with fancy and expensive things. She didn’t get woken up and told to go to school. She had a wonderful, very old royal tutor named Madame Cornelia who came at noon, napped at one, and left promptly at two.

  But apparently, things had changed.

  Because here she was. Curled up in the back of a fancy automobile being driven to school.

  Miranda’s mother, whom the princess called QM (which was short for Queen Mom), squeezed her daughter’s hand.

  “You might like it,” QM whispered, as Blake, the driver of the fancy automobile, turned into a parking lot with a sign that said MOUNTAIN RIVER VALLEY ELEMENTARY SCHOOL.

  The princess shook her head. She knew she would absolutely, positively hate school.

  2

  THE PRINCESS GETS OUT OF THE CAR

  As soon as the royal automobile stopped, a tall man with a long, curling mustache ran over.

  “HOW DO YOU DO?” the tall man boomed. “I’M PRINCIPAL FISH!” He clutched a very thick book against the middle of his chest.

  “Lovely to meet you,” QM said. She looked at Miranda, who was looking at her feet and wondering what would happen to her fancy shoes. Miranda had a feeling that school was full of dirt and sand and glue, all of which could ruin her beautiful shoes.

  “HERE’S A COPY OF THE OFFICIAL RULES OF MOUNTAIN RIVER VALLEY ELEMENTARY. IT HAS EVERY SINGLE RULE OF THE SCHOOL. IT’S VERY USEFUL,” Principal Fish yelled, holding out the thick book.

  “Thank you,” replied QM.

  “AND NOW I’LL TAKE YOU TO MEET YOUR TEACHER,” hollered Principal Fish. “NORMALLY STUDENTS ARE NOT ALLOWED IN UNTIL SEVEN FORTY-TWO, BUT BECAUSE YOU’RE NEW, YOU’RE NOT BREAKING RULE NUMBER FORTY-SIX!”

  If Princess Miranda noticed how loudly Principal Fish spoke, she didn’t show it. Still looking down at her shoes, she followed QM and Principal Fish inside Mountain River Valley Elementary, which smelled revoltingly like hard-boiled eggs, which the princess despised. As soon as she was old enough to speak, she had forbidden hard-boiled eggs inside the castle.

  The princess held her breath as Principal Fish walked them past the gymnasium (which smelled like socks), his office (which smelled like onions and old fish), and the library (which smelled like joy and cinnamon). He took a left at the cafeteria and walked down the hall, until he reached a room with a sign on the door that said 3B in bright yellow letters.

  “THREE B!” Principal Fish shouted. “MIRANDA, THIS IS YOUR CLASSROOM!”

  “And I’ll be your teacher,” a young woman with brown hair said from the doorway. “I’m Miss Kinde. That’s kind with an e.” Her voice was soothing and quiet.

  Miranda looked confused.

  “She’s not a great speller,” QM said. “She’s probably behind in math and science, too. Her royal tutor . . .” QM wasn’t quite sure how to explain Madame Cornelia to Miss Kinde, so she looked at her daughter, who wasn’t listening to her, because she was still looking down.

  Shoes this nice, the princess was thinking, should not be in school. The shoes, which were heeled, pink, and sparkly, were meant to be on ballroom floors or red carpets, not in hallways that smelled like hard-boiled eggs!

  “YOU’RE IN GREAT HANDS WITH MISS KINDE!” Principal Fish roared. “BUT I MUST GO NOW. THE CHILDREN ARE COMING!” He took off, practically (but not quite) running. Running broke rule number two in the Official Rules of Mountain River Valley Elementary.

  “Let me show you and your mom around, Miranda,” Miss Kinde said kindly but firmly.

  Miranda finally looked up from her feet and walked into the classroom, which, thankfully, didn’t smell like anything. QM followed behind her.

  “We’re going to have a great year,” Miss Kinde said. “You’re going to love Three B.”

  Miranda stared at the woman in front of her. She’d never like 3B, let alone love it! As Miss Kinde talked about book nooks and science centers, the princess’s head began to ache. She glanced out the window at the empty playground. She’d probably have to go out there, she thought, her stomach somersaulting.

  Even though Miranda was a kid, she did not enjoy kid things, like monkey bars or ice pops or freeze tag. She liked nail polish, shoes, shoe shopping, arranging furniture, clothes, clothes shopping, rearranging furniture, and planning parties. She also liked being quiet.

  Miranda had been perfectly happy with Madame Cornelia, who had been the royal tutor for around a century. Madame Cornelia often forgot to teach things like math or spelling or science. She loved to talk about china patterns and antiques and never noticed if Miranda got up to paint her nails or take a bubble bath during their lessons, which were often about china patterns and antiques. But now Madame Cornelia had decided to retire (to focus on her antique china patterns)!

  Miranda knew that soon the empty, quiet playground would fill up with children who would scream and shout. Miranda did not spend much time with children and/or playgrounds, and she didn’t want to.

  Miranda looked at her mother, but QM was too busy listening to Miss Kinde to notice. The princess rubbed her head and looked out the window again. Just as she had feared, millions of children wearing
bright and clashing color combinations were streaming toward the playground. The children wore polka dots, stripes, and plaids and arrived by foot, scooters, and cars. They came by bike and bus. Some little ones cried and tried to hide, while the bigger ones zoomed in, shouting at friends.

  Friends, the princess thought with a shudder. She’d never have anything to talk about with kids her age. What if they wanted her to do something terrible with them like playing tag or climbing on top of the monkey bars? The princess gulped a mouthful of air.

  Miranda watched as Principal Fish walked to the middle of the playground hugging an oversized clipboard to his chest. When the children on the playground saw him, they scrambled into many crooked lines.

  Head and heart and stomach pounding, Miranda looked away from the playground and over to her teacher. Miss Kinde smiled. “You can take your seat now,” she said, pointing to a desk in the back left of the classroom that had a name tag on it that said Miranda Rose Lapointsetta. QM walked over to the princess, kissed her on the head, and told her to have a wonderful day.

  An extremely loud bell rang out at a terrifying volume. Princess Miranda’s heart sank as she dropped into the seat and watched her mother walk away. The princess had never been to school before, but she knew that at any minute a group of loud children would come into the classroom and want to know what in the world she was doing there.

  3

  MAUDE BRANDYWINE MAYHEW KAYE IS SO HAPPY SHE’S NOT LATE

  While Miranda sat frozen at her desk inside 3B, Miss Kinde stepped back into the hard-boiled-eggs-smelling hallway to greet her students. As each child walked inside the classroom, Miss Kinde looked them in the eye, smiled, and said, “Welcome to Three B. Please find your desk and take a seat.” Miss Kinde had a lovely, honey-like voice, so it was pleasant to hear her say this fifteen times.

  The last person to be greeted by Miss Kinde was out of breath, freckled, and wearing huge rectangular glasses on top of her head and roller skates over her shoes. She was also the only person who shook Miss Kinde’s hand and stopped to chat.

  “Hello,” the girl said, taking a big gulp of air. “My name is Maude Brandywine Mayhew Kaye. I’m so happy I’m not late on the first day! I can’t believe I slept through my rooster!”

  Miss Kinde gave the girl a small smile.

  “My rooster, General Cockatoo, is my alarm clock. I have ten chickens. Actually eleven. I got a new one last week. Her name is Rosalie, and she’s my only Frizzle. She has curly feathers!”

  Miss Kinde nodded. “Welcome to Three B, Maude.”

  “I feel most welcome. Miss Creaky taught me nothing last year,” Maude said, pointing down the hall to last year’s classroom. “She’s probably one hundred and two years old.” Maude moved her glasses from her head to her eyes.

  Miss Kinde glanced inside 3B. The class was getting noisy, but Maude wasn’t done talking.

  “I want you to know that I choose to come to school, Miss Kinde. Every year my dad, Walter Matthews Mayhew Kaye the eighth, asks me and Michael-John, that’s my brother, how we plan to learn. I always choose school!”

  Miss Kinde smiled.

  “Michael-John chooses home school. He stays in his pajamas and reads dictionaries. He knows practically every word. But I want to be a social justice advocate when I grow up. That’s someone who makes sure things are equal for all people. So I need to be with The People! I thought about being a farmer, but I had a terrible time with my tomato plant this summer.” Maude sighed. “The plant grew and grew, but I didn’t get one tomato.”

  “Tomatoes need lots of sun,” Miss Kinde said, shifting on her feet.

  “I gave it lots of sunshine!” Maude pushed the glasses back on top of her head and tried to sound passionate and sincere.

  “Perhaps we’ll study tomatoes,” Miss Kinde said. “Now please find your desk and remove your skates. You know they’re not allowed in school.”

  “Rule fifty-eight,” Maude recited proudly. “No wearing wheeled shoes on school grounds.” She whistled as she skated over to her desk, which was in the back left corner of the room. Maude sat down, removed her skates, and took out a hard-boiled egg and five pencils from the big pockets of her pants. She put everything on her desk in a jumble and waited for something interesting to happen.

  When nothing happened, Maude looked around and sighed. Here were all the same kids she’d gone to school with for around three hundred years. None of her classmates had taken their seats yet or asked how her summer had been. Like usual, Agnes and Agatha were giggling. Desdemona was chatting with Norbert, while Fletcher showed Felix his scabby elbow. Over by the Book Nook, a tall boy named Donut was seeing how long he could balance on one leg. Maude’s heart sank as she watched the dreadful Hillary Greenlight-Miller put an apple on Miss Kinde’s desk.

  Hillary Greenlight-Miller had gotten glasses over the summer. Glasses that weren’t enormous and seemed to stay on her eyes. Maude put her glasses on her desk and looked at them wistfully. She was only able to wear them for ten seconds at a time. Any longer and she’d feel dizzy, like she might throw up. For years, Maude had wished with all her might that she would need glasses, since all the best social justice revolutionaries wore them. Unfortunately, despite getting many opinions, Maude still had perfect vision. Although she’d missed something right next to her that everyone else in the class had definitely seen.

  In addition to hugging and chatting, the other students in 3B were staring at the girl in the left corner of the room who was not Maude. Fletcher, Felix, Desdemona, Norbert, and Hillary Greenlight-Miller, along with everyone else, couldn’t help but stare at Princess Miranda. They couldn’t believe an actual princess was just sitting there!

  Maude and Miss Kinde were the only two people in 3B not buzzing from the excitement of having a princess in class. Miss Kinde loved all children, and Maude, who was busy straightening her wobbly hard-boiled egg, hadn’t looked to her right yet.

  4

  MAUDE LOOKS TO HER RIGHT

  When the final morning bell rang, a fly landed on Maude’s wrist. She flicked the fly off, causing her to look to her right, and that’s when she noticed: Someone was next to her! Someone new! And this new someone, like Maude, was sitting!

  Keeping one hand on her wobbly egg, Maude put on her glasses and glanced at the new girl again. How did she know that face?

  Miss Kinde stepped to the front of the room. “Class! Let’s begin. I’m Miss Kinde—that’s kind with a silent e. We’re going to have a terrific year. First, let’s welcome our new classmate. Miranda, welcome to Mountain River Valley. Welcome to Three B.”

  Maude’s glasses slid straight down her nose. Princess Miranda? She was sitting next to a princess? No wonder she looked familiar! All her life, Maude had seen pictures and heard stories about the royal family. Whenever they drove by the castle, Maude’s dad would dream aloud about all the undiscovered beetles on the property. To Maude Brandywine Mayhew Kaye, Princess Miranda had always seemed like a character in a book, not an actual person. And yet here she was, right next to Maude, just thirteen inches away!

  This was an opportunity, Maude thought. Here, finally, was another girl who looked as out of place as Maude felt, even though Maude had been going to Mountain River Valley for around nine million years.

  Maude had to seize this opportunity! She looked at the princess. She looked at her egg.

  “Would you like a hard-boiled egg?” she asked.

  The princess didn’t say anything.

  Maybe she didn’t hear me, Maude thought. She picked up her egg. “Would you like this egg?” she asked a little louder, nudging the egg closer to the princess. “It comes from my chickens,” she said proudly. “I have eleven chickens. And one rooster named General Cockatoo. That’s a funny name, because cockatoos are parrots, not chickens.” Maude laughed.

  The princess remained quiet and wrinkled her nose.

  “I love all animals. But chickens are my favorite. Well, second favorite. My dog, Rudolph Valentino, is
the most amazing dog in the universe. But he doesn’t lay eggs.” Maude laughed again. It would be so great if her dog could lay eggs!

  The princess finally turned to look at Maude. Maude grinned as widely as she could.

  “Would you like this egg?” Maude asked again.

  “No!” the princess said. Her voice wasn’t loud, but it was very clear. “Hard-boiled eggs are . . .”

  Maude stared at the princess. She hoped the princess might say something like, “Hard-boiled eggs are too delicious to have in school. Why don’t we eat them together in the castle, and you can tell me all about your amazing chickens?”

  But instead the princess whispered, “Hard-boiled eggs are revolting! They make me want to vomit!”

  5

  YOU JOURNALS

  Maude felt small and weak when Miranda said her egg was revolting. She glared at the princess, who was wearing all pink. I hate pink, she thought, as Miss Kinde held up a small blue notebook. Pink is the worst color in the universe.

  “Class,” Miss Kinde said, “this is a You Journal. It’s a notebook that’s just for you. It should be with you at all times, because you never know when you’ll have an amazing idea.”

  Everyone in 3B groaned except Maude (who loved the idea of a notebook for amazing ideas) and Miranda (who was confused).

  Hillary Greenlight-Miller shot up her hand. “Miss Kinde? Will our You Journals be graded? If we write a lot, can we get extra credit?”

  Miss Kinde shook her head. “Your You Journals are only for you. No one else should read them.”

  Hillary Greenlight-Miller frowned, but everyone else seemed pleased. Maude opened her You Journal and immediately drew the following:

  6

  TOTALLY ALONE AT STICKY DESK