When Love Hurts

by Shaquanda Dalton

  I stand in front of him with my hands on his chest. “No, Jay, no. It wasn’t Chris. I fell. I swear I fell!” I shout.

  Jaylen doesn’t say anything for a moment. He keeps looking at me with eyes that are surely meant for Chris. “Stop lying to me, Jess. Did he lay his hands on you?” When I don’t respond, he closes his eyes as if he’s counting. “Did he touch you, Jess? Just tell me.”

  When I don’t answer, he backs away from me and walks to his room. I stand there in the living room breathing heavily, not knowing what he’s up to. I start to walk back to his room, when he comes out with a gun in his hand.

  Chapter 8

  “No! Jay, no, please don’t do anything stupid!” I grab his hand that holds the gun and squeeze tight.

  Jaylen nudges me aside and walks to the door. I run in front of him and block his exit. I spread my arms across the door and stare at him hard.

  “He didn’t mean to hurt me! It was an accident!”

  “Stop with the bullshit, Jess. Accident, my ass. I’m tired of that nigga always hurting you, and now he’s laying his hands on you. Now that’s a fucking problem.” He reaches for the doorknob. I put my hands on his chest and try not to cry.

  “Please don’t hurt Chris. This is between me and him. I can fight my own battles—”

  “Apparently not. Not how I see it.”

  Jaylen shakes his head before pulling open the door. I don’t think about it. I just grab Jaylen by the shoulders and kiss him on the mouth. His lips are soft but unresponsive, and when I slowly pull away he’s left staring at me with a stern face. So I do it again. I kiss him right on the mouth, and he doesn’t stop me. The front door has closed, and we’re just standing there in the living room as I kiss him. I squeeze his shoulders tight, kiss his bottom lip, top lip, and chin. He doesn’t kiss me back, but he doesn’t stop me either.

  Eventually, I let go of him. He could have simply maneuvered out of my grip and continued on his pursuit, but the kiss made him stop.

  Jaylen takes a deep breath, rolls his eyes, and says, “I know what you’re trying to do, Jess, but—”

  “Please, Jay. Just . . . please.” My mind jumps back to Chris, and even though I feel like I hate him, I know I don’t want him beat up or worse. I close my eyes and wait for Jaylen’s response.

  I hear Jaylen breathing, and I open my eyes and see him squinting as he figures out what to do. I step close again and suck his bottom lip.

  Before I can think another thought, however, Jaylen gently tugs on my hips and pushes me back, breaking off the kiss. He stares at me for a long time without saying anything. Eventually, he sighs. “Fine. I won’t go after that nigga, but I swear you’re never getting back together, and he’s never putting his hands on you again. And if I ever, ever, come across that nigga in the street, it’s over.” He turns around and walks straight to his room with the gun still in his hand.

  I pull myself from the door and walk straight back to Jaylen’s room. I have no reason to stop him, and I know this is wrong but . . . The door is halfway open, and he’s sitting on the edge of the bed with his chin in his hands. Jaylen stares at me in the door frame, but I don’t say anything. I pull the door behind me and move toward him.

  I’m standing directly in front of him, and before he says anything and before I listen to common sense, I lean down and kiss him on the mouth. I rest my hands on his shoulders and continue to kiss him like I haven’t been kissed in years. It takes five seconds before Jaylen gets over the shock, realizes what I’m in here for, and starts kissing me back. He slides his hands down my back as our kisses deepen. His tongue tastes like mint, and his body smells of my favorite cologne and it drives me crazy. I start running my hands up and down his shirt feeling the hard abs and chest underneath.

  Jaylen breaks the kiss, but right before I open my mouth to protest, he smiles a little and leans me back on the bed. He climbs on top of me and kisses my forehead, mouth, and up my neck. I squirm beneath him and listen to my heart rate increase as he starts to lift my shirt. I know what he’s seeing, and I know he isn’t going to like the bruises.

  I watch as Jaylen continues to stare at my chest and stomach and hope he doesn’t change his mind about paying Chris a visit. Just as I’m about to revert his attention back to me, Jaylen kisses me on the mouth. I wrap one arm around his body and put one hand behind his head, keeping him close. Jaylen reaches up and pulls a breast from my bra and begins kneading it with one hand as our kiss deepens.

  I lean my head back, and Jaylen starts nibbling my neck, and I let out a moan. Then he gets off the bed suddenly and just stares at me. My chest is rising and falling fast. My body starts craving his warmth again, and I give him a confused look. He licks his lips as he stares at me—or should I say, as he watches me. As soon as I realize he wants to watch me, I start to peel the rest of my bra off my body. I toss it across the room without sitting all the way up. I unbutton my pants and slide them off too. I keep my eyes on Jaylen’s facial expression and bite my lips as he tosses his shirt as well. He climbs back on top of me and takes a nipple in his mouth.

  “Mmmmm,” I breathe, gripping the bedsheets beneath me.

  Jaylen takes one hand and starts caressing my thigh. I keep moaning as I feel my panties get moist. I wrap my legs around Jaylen’s waist and feel that he’s more than ready. I reach one hand down and start to undo his belt. Realizing what I’m doing, he stops and stands at the end of the bed again, and this time I watch as he undoes his belt for me. I suck my lip as I watch, but soon his pants are off, and I don’t want to watch anymore. I want him. I want him so bad that my legs can’t stop shaking. I want him inside of me so deep that my juices will be pouring onto his bedsheets. And I want it now.

  Jaylen’s staring at my panties, and I quickly get rid of them too. He smiles slightly before spreading open my legs and sliding inside me. His strokes are strong and deep into my walls. My eyes roll to the back of my head as my moans get thicker. When he pulls out, he comes back in deeper than before. I grip the sheets tighter and never break eye contact with him. Soon he’s pumping faster and going a lot deeper. My sounds are a mix of soft screams and loud moans. Suddenly, he pulls out and I panic.

  Jaylen shushes me and flips me over so that my knees are on the bed and my ass is in the air.

  “I got this, ma.”

  He starts going faster and deeper, but I want more. I want him to give me his all. I look back at him, and he stares at me. “Faster. Harder. Oh, my God, please don’t stop!”

  He grabs my hips, spanks my ass, and goes so hard and fast I can’t get my screams out. I’m mute and breathless and I’m loving it. I can hear Jaylen panting, and I know he’s close to finishing. It only takes three more seconds before I come. I go completely limp on the bed, and he’s left pounding into my collapsed body. I turn around and watch him, and it takes him ten more seconds to finish.

  Chapter 9

  I open the door for Malcolm the next day, and he’s staring a hole in me so hard and intense I think I stole something from him. “You all right?” he asks, coming inside and running a hand over his face. “I swear, Jess.” He stops and looks around. “Where Jaylen at?”

  “He went to pick up Angela from her house. They should be on their way back. Something went wrong with her car, and I guess she wanted to be close for work tomorrow, so she’s—”

  “Jess, how the fuck could you lie to me like that? I asked you what was wrong and you said nothing. Why the fuck you didn’t tell me he laid his hands on you? Why the fuck I had to hear that shit from Jay over the phone?” Malcolm asks.

  “He just found out last night. I didn’t want to tell anyone. It wasn’t a big deal.”

  Malcolm stares at me hard. “Yes, it was, Jess.” He closes his eyes and takes deep breaths.

  “I’m not with him, and what happened was the reason we broke up. As long as we’re not together . . . I mean, I just want to move on.”

  Malcolm opens his eyes but doesn’t say anything.

&nb
sp; After a few seconds he continues. “Why the fuck was you with him in the first place? I should have beat his ass.” Malcolm walks over to the couch and sits down with his fists balled up.

  After taking one step to sit down with Malcolm on the couch, the door swings back and Jaylen comes in with Angela in tow.

  “What you doing here?” Angela takes a few steps inside the living room with her arms folded as if this was her place. She stops right in front of me. Angela’s face is edgy, angelic, and thin, just like the rest of her. She can’t be more than five feet tall, but she carries herself like she was six foot one. Her eyes scan me from head to toe like we’ve never been introduced before. I want to say something sassy, but I don’t really have an answer for her. Luckily, Jaylen steps in between us and tells Angela I am just over to chill with him and Malcolm. At least Malcolm’s here before Jaylen got back, to back up his claim. I wonder why Jaylen didn’t give Angela an excuse before she came in.

  Angela puffs out a breath and rolls her eyes like a spoiled four-year-old. I walk around her and sit down next to Malcolm on the couch. Jaylen shuts the door and walks straight to the kitchen. Angela’s left standing in the center of the living room looking toward the kitchen at Jaylen. I can’t focus too much on her, though, with Malcolm staring me down.

  Jaylen comes back in the room with two beers, and he gives one to Malcolm. None of us say anything for a while. Malcolm’s too pissed off about Chris hitting me. Angela’s looking like she’s angry at the world, and Jaylen’s just standing sipping his beer not looking at either Angela or me. I take a deep breath before standing up and excusing myself to go to the bathroom. I don’t feel like ever going back out there. How can I stay here with Angela knowing I’m here? Am I going home with Malcolm tonight?

  I don’t understand anything, and I use all my bathroom time just staring at myself in the mirror. I don’t like who I see. I see a person who’s failed at everything she’s ever tried. Someone who’s relationship is filled with nothing but lies and false hope. I see a woman who slept with someone else’s man just for the thrill of it. I rest my elbows on the sink. I am who I am, and if I want to change, it’s gonna be a slow start, but I have to start somewhere.

  I walk back out with my head held high and notice Malcolm and Jaylen talking about me. I can tell they are because they stop talking as soon as I come into the room. Angela’s in the kitchen now rummaging through the fridge. It’s going on ten p.m. and I, honestly, just want to go to sleep.

  Malcolm stares at me with calmer eyes, but they still hold a hint of worry. I smile a little and am about to ask about their conversation, when Angela speaks up. “So, what are you doing here?” Her voice is inky and venomous. She comes into the living room with her arms folded below her small chest. “And I know it’s not just to chill.” She makes the quote symbols with her fingers as she says the last word.

  I open my mouth but then close it back up. I look around and realize she asked a darn good question. Why am I here? This isn’t my place, and Jaylen isn’t my man. Angela should be here, not me. Luckily, Jaylen notices my discomfort.

  “She and Chris got into it. She just needed to get away from him,” he says.

  “Is she staying here?” Angela says with her mouth wide open. She stares at Jaylen with warning eyes. “She’s not staying here!”

  I hold in the urge to roll my eyes at her. Malcolm stands up suddenly and turns to Angela, who is turning deep red with anger. Her light-skinned complexion doesn’t help her either. “Jess is staying with me, Ang. Just calm down.” Malcolm walks past all of us and into the kitchen.

  Jay and Angela are still eyeing each other, and I think about my clothes and other things I brought with me that are still in the guest room. How am I going to get them from the room without Angela seeing me? She’ll know I’ve been sleeping here.

  Malcolm comes back with two more beers and hands one to Jaylen, who takes the beer and sits on the couch. Angela sits down beside him, and the two of them start whispering. I take a deep breath feeling like I have nowhere to go. I can’t go back into my room because Angela will ask too many questions, and I can’t and won’t sit next to her on the couch. This leaves me and Malcolm just standing in front of the TV with Jay and Angela looking like they’re whispering death threats to each other.

  “Let’s go,” I breathe out.

  Malcolm looks at me for a second, nods, and then turns to Jaylen. “All right, man. We outta here.” He extends his hand for a shake.

  Jaylen shakes his hand. “All right, y’all keep safe.”

  Malcolm walks toward the door, and I follow him out. When I shut the door behind me, it feels like I can breathe again. I continue to follow Malcolm down the sidewalk. He doesn’t look back at me and doesn’t say anything until we get inside his jeep. “You okay? You look like your cat died.”

  Malcolm’s trying to make me smile, but I can’t. Not right now. “I’m the one worthy of death. Not a cat.” He stops cold and glares at me.

  “Why do you think you’re worthy of death, Jess?” he asks carefully, as if one bad word would cause me to stop breathing.

  I shrug. “Not death per say. I just wish my life was . . . different.”

  “You can make it different, Jess,” he says, not even putting the key in the ignition but staring me squarely in the face. “You can change your life, for real. You don’t have to play the hand you’re dealt with. You make what you have work for you.”

  “Don’t you think I tried that?”

  “You have to keep trying, Jess,” Malcolm says. “You need to get a lot more serious.”

  I nod. It’s one thing to say something, but it’s another thing to do it. If I had all the resources and support that Jaylen and Malcolm had, maybe I would have my own place right now. Maybe I should’ve stayed in school. I think about it for a second.

  “Maybe I should go back to school.” I say it slowly, letting the words sink in. School. I can do that.

  Malcolm smiles and says, “That’s a good start, Jess.” He starts the car, and we head to the freeway to go southbound. He lives approximately ten minutes from Jaylen’s house if we take the freeway and twenty minutes without it. “Is not being in school the main thing that’s bothering you?”

  I mumble a yes, and we don’t say anything for the rest of the trip. About a block away from his apartment complex, he asks if I want anything to eat.

  “That’s okay. I’ll order some pizza.” He nods. “How am I supposed to get my things from Jay’s house? Angela’s there, and I don’t have any clean clothes,” I ask as we pull up to his apartment building. The neighborhood is quiet tonight with only a few people smoking outside on their porches.

  “Um . . . I can drop you off over there tomorrow on my way to work. I think Ang and Jay have to work tomorrow, but I can use his spare key to get you in. Is that cool with you?”

  “Yeah.”

  Malcolm’s apartment is a little bigger than Jaylen’s. His kitchen is more spacious, and his hallways are spans wider. He decorated his place with a couch, TV, kitchen table and chairs, a poster of Tupac, and a six-disk CD changer with surround-sound speakers.

  He immediately walks in and turns on some music. It isn’t bad music, and he keeps it at a reasonable level so I have no complaints. I’m pretty used to him blasting music through the wall at his house parties, but since it’s just us, his music selection is a lot more chilled. I walk to his guest room and make a face. The room is mostly used as a party room—aka a fucking room. I rip the sheets from the bed and prepare to change them, when Malcolm peeps in. “You want me to order that pizza now?”

  I put a strand of hair behind my ear. “Yeah, sure, that’s fine. Sausage and pepperoni please.”

  Malcolm smiles. “I already know.” And walks off.

  I start to look into his hallway closet for clean sheets, and my cell phone text message alert goes off. I suck in a breath as I notice it’s from Jaylen.

  “Hope u r settling in well. I’ll have all your thing
s put together for u if u want to stop by tomorrow and get them. I can’t drop them off since I have to take Ang to work but Malcolm has a spare key. Anyway, about last night. We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. We can just pretend it never happened. I just don’t want it to be weird between us. Have a good night.”

  I get a warm feeling in my chest and wish I was in Jaylen’s arms again, but as soon as the thought pops into my mind, I push it back. I can’t believe myself for thinking that. Why can’t I be normal for once? I grab the bedsheets and go back into the room.

  After I change the sheets and sweep out the room, the pizza arrives. Malcolm and I eat in silence in the living room even though I can tell he wants to say something.

  Malcolm has the TV on, but neither of us is really watching it. I know I’m not giving off the most pleasant mood, but I can’t help how I feel, which is mostly confused and unwanted. It isn’t fair to feel this way, especially with Malcolm letting me stay with him even though he should be having his whole place to himself and not have to worry about his friend living on the streets.

  Suddenly, I don’t feel hungry anymore, and I stand up to go back to my room. “Finished already?” Malcolm asks.

  I nod. “I’m feeling pretty tired. I think I just need a good night’s sleep.”

  Malcolm looks thoughtful, but eventually he nods, and I walk back to the room. I undress slowly while looking around. The room has one window overlooking the parking lot, but there isn’t a TV in here either. That’s fine. I am too tired to pretend to watch it anyway.

  I slide under the covers and snuggle up with the pillow. I close my eyes and think of being back home in Aurora in my old room with my wall of teddy bears and other stuffed animals. I think about Grandma Mae coming in my room early each morning to wake me up for school and how I would moan and groan like I had more important things to do with my life. The thought makes me smile, but then it hurts too much thinking about her and knowing she’s not here right now.