by Duncan Ball
‘Yes, that would be lovely.’
‘Your sister, Jetty, ought to buy it,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Her sons broke it. She’s so careful with her money, that sister of yours. You always buy her nice presents, and what does she do? Last year she gave you one of those plastic toys from a breakfast cereal packet. A little robot with wheels — only one of the wheels was already broken.’
‘Now, now,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘We mustn’t think that way. Giving is the most important thing.’
‘Yes, of course,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Sorry, I just forgot myself for a minute. Where would I find a vase like the one you had?’
‘The only possible place would be in the department store over at that new shopping mall at Poshfield. But today is the day before Christmas and the mall will be a madhouse. Why not give me a vase for my birthday instead?’
‘Are you sure you don’t mind waiting that long?’ Dr Trifle asked.
‘Of course not, dear.’
‘Oh, aren’t the Trifles lovely,’ Selby thought. ‘They’re just the most wonderful people in the world. They don’t even hate those monsters Willy and Billy for breaking that vase.’
Selby lay there thinking about how much he wanted to give Dr and Mrs Trifle a present. He remembered when he first learnt to talk and how the first thing he was going to do was to say ‘Merry Christmas’ to the Trifles. But he also remembered why he didn’t talk to them. He was afraid they’d put him to work around the house. And worse — he might be sent off to a laboratory to be studied by scientists. Or he might be dognapped and held for ransom.
A cold shiver ran up Selby’s spine as he thought of all the close calls he’d had. But soon the cold shiver turned into a warm, Christmassy feeling again.
‘Dr Trifle might not like to mingle with Christmas crowds but I do,’ Selby thought. ‘I think I might just go over to Poshfield Mall and mingle to the sound of Jingle Bells.’
That morning Selby found himself running along a country road and then over fences and fields to the new mall in Poshfield.
‘Wow!’ he thought, as the glass doors opened and he started up the escalator. ‘Look at all the shops! Look at the big Santa Claus on his sleigh hanging from the ceiling! And look! There’s his reindeer too! Oh, I love Christmas!’
‘Hey, you!’ a voice behind him said. ‘Hey, dog! Get out of here!’
At the top of the escalator, a man in a guard’s uniform stood with folded arms.
‘What’s this about?’ Selby wondered as he started back down the Up escalator, dodging the people coming up. ‘I’m not hurting anyone.’
Selby turned to see the man bounding down the other escalator.
‘Uh-oh! This guy means business,’ Selby thought as he ran faster.
Selby and the guard got to the entrance at the same time.
‘Out! Out!’ the man said, clapping his hands and stamping his foot.
‘Out, out, yourself,’ Selby thought as he ran out the door. ‘It’s not fair. I wasn’t going to touch anything. I was just mingling.’
On the way home, still feeling awful about what had happened, something popped into Selby’s head.
‘The dog suit!’ he thought. ‘I’ll climb under the house and get my dog suit. If I wear that and stand on my hind legs, no one will suspect there’s a dog inside.’
A short while later Selby was back at Poshfield Mall, mingling and wearing the dog suit. This time the guard gave him a strange look but then smiled.
‘Merry Christmas,’ Selby said out loud.
‘And a merry Christmas to you too, sir,’ the guard said back.‘What a nice dog suit.’
Everywhere that Selby went people looked at him and smiled.
‘Look at the man in a dog suit,’ a little girl said.‘Look, Mum!’
‘I’m not a man in a dog suit,’ Selby laughed. ‘I’m a dog in a dog suit. Merry Christmas.’
‘Merry Christmas Mr Dog Man,’ the girl said.
‘This is more like it,’ Selby thought. ‘Oh, they’re playing Jingle Bells. I love all that dashing through the snow business. It cools me off just to hear it.’
Selby was in the Glassware Section when something caught his eye.
‘That’s it!’ he thought. ‘It’s just like the vase that Willy and Billy smashed! And it’s on special! And it’s the very last one! Oh, how I wish Dr Trifle was here so he could buy it for Mrs Trifle. Even better — oh, how I wish I had some money so I could buy it for her myself! Why oh why did I come here?’
Selby felt a tap on his shoulder. This time it wasn’t the guard in the guard’s uniform but a man wearing a name tag that said Store Manager.
‘Where have you been?’ the man demanded.
‘What do you mean?’ Selby asked.
‘I’ll bet you were off entertaining at some kid’s birthday party or something?’
‘No, I wasn’t,’ Selby said.
‘Don’t lie to me, Jack,’ he said, grabbing Selby by the sleeve. ‘Come on, it’s Santa Time. There are already fifty kids waiting.’
‘Hey! Let go of me,’ Selby said.‘There’s been a mistake.’
‘It was my mistake to hire you,’ the manager said. ‘Where have you been for the past two days?’
‘But I’m not Jack,’ Selby pleaded.
‘Don’t play games with me,’ the manager said. ‘Do you want to get paid in advance? Is that it?’
‘Pay? I mean, did you say pay? In advance?’
‘I’ll tell you what,’ the man said, getting out his wallet, ‘you’ll get half now and half when you’ve talked to the kids.’
Selby looked over at the vase. A woman had just picked it up and was looking at it.
‘Forget the money,’ Selby said, ‘I’ll take that vase instead.’
‘That vase? But that only costs —’
‘I don’t care,’ Selby said. ‘I want it. Get it for me or there’s no deal.’
‘It’s yours,’ the manager said, snatching it out of the woman’s hands. ‘Now get into the Santa suit.’
Selby followed the manager into a back room. There was a Santa suit piled on a chair.
‘Well? What are you waiting for? Get into it.’
Selby waited for a moment but the manager wasn’t going to leave him alone. So he started pulling on the bottom of the suit.
‘Aren’t you going to take off the dog suit?’ the man asked.
‘No, I think I’ll leave it on.’
‘Leave it on? Why?’
‘I’m cold,’ Selby said, as he pulled on the top part. ‘All this air-conditioning. Besides, I’ll look fatter and jollier with both suits on. I’ll be a better Santa Claus.’
‘But how about that dog face?’
‘The beard will cover it,’ Selby said.
‘Okay, suit yourself,’ the manager said, suddenly laughing out loud.‘Get it? Suit yourself? Oh, I’m funny even when I’m not trying.’
‘One more thing,’ Selby said. ‘Would you mind gift-wrapping that vase?’
‘I guess I could do that.’
And so it was that Santa Selby listened as one child after another told him about the Christmas presents they wanted.
‘I want a doll,’ a little girl said.
Behind her, Selby could see the girl’s mother nodding.
‘Yes, I think Santa could bring you a doll,’ he said.‘Ho ho ho. Merry Christmas.’
‘I want a truck,’ a boy said.
‘A toy truck,’ Selby said, looking over at the boy’s father, who was nodding. ‘I think we could arrange that.’
‘I don’t want a toy one,’ the boy said. ‘I want a real one. If you’re really Santa Claus you can get it for me.’
‘But my elves don’t make real trucks,’ Selby said. ‘They’re too short. They only make toy ones.’
‘Okay,’ the boy said. ‘I’ll have a toy one. That’s okay.’
‘I want a puppy,’ a girl said.
‘A puppy,’ Selby said. ‘What a lovely gift. Okay, you can have a puppy.’
> The girl’s shocked mother waved her head from side to side.
‘But Mummy said I can’t have one,’ the girl said.
‘But dogs are wonderful,’ Selby said. ‘They are the best friend a little girl could have. They give you their love no matter what happens. And they’re good for you too because they teach you to look after another living thing. They teach you responsibility.’
Selby looked at the girl’s mother. The woman sighed and then nodded slowly.
‘I think you’ve got your puppy, kid,’ he whispered in the girl’s ear.
‘Oh, thanks Santa!’ she said, giving Selby a big kiss.
For the next hour Selby had a wonderful time listening to kids’ Christmas wishes.
‘Hey, this is fun,’ Selby thought. ‘I like being Santa Claus. I think I’m good at it. And this Santa has claws at the end of his paws. Ho ho ho, that was a good one.’
Just at the end of Santa Time, two boys jumped on Selby’s lap. And not just any two boys but the dreaded Willy and Billy!
‘You boys behave yourselves,’ Aunt Jetty said. ‘Talk to Santa and I’ll be back in a tick.’
‘You look stupid, Mr Santa, stupid in a stupid suit,’Willy said after his mother had gone.
‘Yeah,’ said Billy.‘You’re not the Santa.’
‘Ho ho ho,’ Selby laughed. ‘What nice little boys you are. What do you want for Christmas?’
‘I want a … I want a real tank with real guns that work, stupid-face,’ Willy said. ‘I’il bet you can’t get me one.’
‘Oh, yes I can,’ Selby sang. ‘I’il drive it over on Christmas morning and blow up your house. That would be really funny, wouldn’t it, boys. Ho ho ho.’
‘Hey! You’re not supposed to say that to us, stupid make-believe Santa,’ Billy said, grabbing Selby by the beard and pulling it down over the chin of Selby’s dog suit. ‘Look, Willy! He’s a dog!’
‘Time’s up,’ Selby said. ‘Santa has to get back to the North Pole.’
‘Its Selby!’Willy squealed. ‘He’s Selby in that suit — and he can talk!’
‘Rack off, kid,’ Selby whispered, ‘before I thump you.’
‘Mummy!’ Willy screamed. ‘Selby is playing Santa Claus! Hey, Mummy! Look! He’s a dog in there! Hey, Billy, lets pull his head off!’
Selby was running towards the storeroom when Willy and Billy tackled him around the legs.
‘Get away from me, you monsters!’ Selby whispered.
In a second, Billy was sitting on his chest tugging at the head of his dog suit. Selby grabbed it and struggled to keep it on.
‘Get off me!’ he yelled.
‘I’m going to pull your head off and make you talk!’ Willy screamed. ‘You’re a dog and you talk! I know you do. I know you, you stupey poopey dog!’
Selby struggled to his feet.
‘I’ll take a short-cut through the Glassware Section,’ he thought, ‘to get to the storeroom door!’
Selby made a dash for the Glassware Section as a glass bowl whizzed by him, smashing into a glass case filled with plates. Selby turned just in time to duck as Billy threw a vase and his brother threw another one.
‘Stop this right now!’ the store manager screamed.‘Stop it, you hooligans!’
But now the boys were throwing everything they could get their hands on at the manager. The guard was now behind him, also ducking as glass smashed everywhere.
‘He’s a talking dog!’ Willy screamed. ‘That’s no poopey Santa poopey Claus — that’s Selby and he’s a dog and he can talk!’
Selby slammed and locked the storeroom door behind him, threw off the rest of the Santa suit, and grabbed the gift-wrapped vase.
‘Now to get out through the emergency exit!’
Selby could hear Aunt Jetty’s booming voice: ‘Willy! Billy! Stop that immediately!’
‘It’s not my fault!’Willy screamed.‘It was that stupey doggy, Mummy!’
‘You’re going to pay for every last broken item in this store, madam,’ the manager said.
Selby picked up the gift and listened to the lovely sounds of Aunt Jetty’s hand hitting the boys’ bottoms and the wonderful sounds of their screams.
It was a beautiful, warm Christmas morning as Selby watched the Trifles unwrap their presents.
‘This one’s for you, Selby,’ Mrs Trifle said, opening it. ‘It’s one of those yummy plastic bones that tastes just like the Dry-Mouth Dog Biscuits that you love so much.’
‘Oh, well,’ Selby thought. ‘It’s the thought that counts.’
‘And what’s this?’ Dr Trifle wondered, grabbing the last present from under the Christmas tree. ‘It says, “To Mrs Trifle, from Santa”. Here, you’d better open it.’
‘But who’s it from?’ Mrs Trifle asked, as she started to unwrap it. ‘I know, it’s from you, isn’t it, dear? Oh, look! A vase just like the one that got broken! You are so thoughtful. Thank you so much!’
‘I’m sorry, but it’s not from me,’ Dr Trifle said, admiring it.‘It really isn’t.’
‘Then who could it be from?’
‘The only person it could possibly be from,’ Dr Trifle said, ‘is Aunt Jetty. She must have finally found a vase like the one her boys broke.’
‘Yes, of course!’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Isn’t she sweet. I take back everything I thought about her.’
‘She’s not a bad woman, your sister,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘She’s really very thoughtful when she wants to be.’
‘Oh, no,’ Selby thought. ‘All that and who gets the credit?, Aunt Jetty!’ Selby looked at the warm smiles on the Trifles’ faces. ‘Oh, well,’ he thought.‘I guess Mrs Trifle was right — giving is the most important thing.’
Paw note: I wish l’d never talked to Willy, but I did —a few times. S
O HANDSOME ME
O handsome me, 0 handsome me
Who needs a fancy pedigree?
I see my face in mirrored glass
And say, ‘now there is doggy class.’
now hang on! How can I be hand some
I‘Ve got no hands but only paws
A dog with hands would be quite
awesome
I guess the word for me is paw some.
SELBY SPLITS
‘Mirrors are strange things,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘I’ve never really understood them.’
‘What’s to understand?’ asked Mrs Trifle.‘You look and you see yourself in them.’
‘That’s what’s so strange,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘You see yourself in them. You’re in them but you’re also outside them. It’s as if there are two of you. Sort of the real you and then … well, some kind of a ghost.’
‘A ghost! Sheeesh!’ sheeeshed Selby. ‘That gives me goosebumps.’
Dr Trifle poured another smelly chemical into his mixing bowl.
‘So what are you inventing this time, dear?’ Mrs Trifle asked.
‘You asked me to clean the bathroom mirror before tonight’s party so I’ve invented a special mirror cleaner,’ Dr Trifle said, pouring the liquid into a spraying bottle and then scribbling on the label.
‘What’s wrong with the Quick ’n’ Streaky Window Cleaner we buy at the shops?’
‘That’s made for windows — and other glass things too — but my new KleerSparkle Kleener is just for mirrors. Let’s see if it works. I’ll try it out on the mirror in the workroom.’
Mrs Trifle and Selby followed Dr Trifle into Dr Trifle’s workroom. First Dr Trifle sprayed the big mirror with Quick ’n’ Streaky. Then he sprayed it with his new formula. But when he did, something strange happened. First there was a high-pitched noise that stopped as quickly as it began.
‘Ouch!’ Selby thought. ‘That hurt my ears! But the Trifles didn’t seem to hear it. It must have been one of those sounds that only dogs can hear.’
As Selby watched, the surface of the mirror seemed to move in and out very slowly. Suddenly the mirror became as clear as an open window.
‘Is that clean enough for you?’ Dr Trifle asked
with a grin.
‘Goodness!’ Mrs Trifle exclaimed.‘I feel like I could reach out and shake my own hand.’
‘It’s fantastic!’ Selby thought. ‘I already had goosebumps but now I’ve got goosebumps on my goosebumps! I can see every hair of my fur perfectly!’
‘I will sell my formula,’ Dr Trifle said, ‘and we will become fabulously wealthy and then we’ll give all the money to worthy causes.’
‘Better wait a few days before you start giving away the money you don’t have yet,’ Mrs Trifle warned. ‘Remember the disaster with your Breath-Away Miracle Window Cleaner?’
‘How could I forget?’ Dr Trifle said. ‘It went all cloudy after a couple of hours and you couldn’t see through the windows at all.’
‘Exactly. So lets leave it for a day or two before we get too excited.’
* * *
When the Trifles left the house to do some lastminute shopping for the party, Selby dashed into the workroom. The mirror was as clear as before.
‘Mirror, mirror on the wall,’ Selby said out loud. ‘Who’s the handsomest dog of all? I am! I am! Oh, you beautiful poochypie.’
Selby often kissed himself in the mirror but this time he gave himself a big doggy lick. And as he did he heard a faint plop sound as tiny ripples spread across the surface of the mirror like the waves from a pebble dropping in a pond. Then Selby felt his tongue touching another tongue!
‘Yuck!’ he screamed, jumping back.
Selby could see his mouth move in his reflection but his reflection didn’t jump back the way Selby had. His reflection just stood there with its paws on its hips.
‘This is impossible!’ Selby thought. ‘He’s not doing what I’m doing!’
Selby jumped up and down a couple of times while his reflection stood still. Finally, his reflection reached its paw out to the mirror.
Very slowly, Selby reached out towards his reflection. When his paw touched the mirror, once again there were ripples. Only this time, Selby’s paw went through the surface of the mirror.
Selby’s reflection grabbed his paw and jumped through to Selby’s side of the mirror.
‘Thanks,’ it said. ‘I thought I was stuck in there forever.’
