by Duncan Ball
‘You talked!’ cried Selby.
‘Well? So did you. Hey, it’s nice out here. Thanks, mate.’
Selby just stood there, numb, dumbfounded.
‘I’ve split,’ he said, looking in the mirror and not seeing either of them. ‘There’s two of me! I’ve multiplied! Or maybe I’ve been divided! Oh, no! Something terrible and mathematical has happened to me!’
‘Don’t be upset,’ Selby’s reflection said. ‘You just saved me from the most boring job in the world.’
‘But you can’t stay here,’ Selby said.
‘Why not?’
‘Because then I won’t have a reflection.’
‘What do you need a reflection for? Haven’t you admired yourself enough? All that kissing and licking — you do it all the time.’
‘That’s not the point. If people see that I don’t have a reflection then … then it’ll be weird. They’ll think I’m a vampire or something.’
‘What’s a vampire?’
‘It’s a bat person who sucks blood. They don’t have reflections.’
‘Sheeesh!’ Selby’s reflection said, looking around quickly.‘Are there any vampires here?’
‘No, they’re make-believe.’
‘Then what are you worried about? I’m never going back there again.’
Selby’s reflection grabbed the bottle of Quick ’n’ Streaky from the floor and sprayed the mirror.
‘What are you doing?’ Selby yelled.
The reflection tapped the mirror with its paw.
‘There, back to normal,’ it said.
‘But it’s not back to normal,’ Selby protested. ‘I still don’t have a reflection! Everyone has a reflection. It’s a part of them. I don’t. I’ve split.’
‘You can’t have everything, mate. And talking of splitting, I’m out of here.’
Selby raced after his reflection and found it in the kitchen opening the fridge.
‘What are those people like?’ it asked.
‘What people?’
‘The dude with the glasses and his wife, old curly locks.’
‘They’re my owners,’ Selby said. ‘They’re the most wonderful people in the world.’
‘Your owners? What are you, their slave or something?’
‘No, I’m a dog, a pet dog. The Trifles love me and look after me.’
‘Yeah, well that’s great. I’ll tell you what — nobody owns this dog.’
‘You’re not a dog,’ Selby said. ‘You’re just the reflection of a dog — of me. You’re the other part of me. The part that’s supposed to stay in the mirror!’
‘That was then and this is now,’ Selby’s reflection said, grabbing a platter from the fridge.
‘Hey, put those back!’ Selby said.
‘Why? What are they?’
‘They’re peanut prawns — prawns cooked in peanut sauce from The Spicy Onion Restaurant. They’re for the Council and Citizens’ Party tonight.’
‘Peanut prawns? Sounds terrible but we like them, do we?’
‘I don’t know about you but I do,’ Selby said, grabbing the platter.
‘Check this food,’ his reflection said. ‘Where do I start?’
Selby slammed the fridge door and stood in front of it.
‘You listen to me!’ he said. ‘There are a few things you don’t know about living outside mirrors! We can’t eat my owners’ food.’
‘Okay, okay, take it slow, Joe. Lighten up. The problem is that I’m hungry — very hungry. Like I’ve never eaten — ever. You’ve been filling your face since you were a pup.’
‘You can have some of my food,’ Selby said. ‘It’s down there in that bowl on the floor.’
Selby’s reflection bit into a Dry-Mouth Dog Biscuit and spat it out.
‘I can’t eat that stuff!’ it said. ‘It tastes like cardboard — not that I’ve ever eaten cardboard. Why can’t I have what’s in the fridge? Are these Fifles stingy or something? Boy, have they ever got you dancing to their tune.’
‘Trifles,’ Selby corrected his reflection. ‘Now listen to me.’
‘Aye, aye, admiral,’ his reflection said, saluting.
‘You’re going back in the mirror right now.’
‘No way.’
‘Yes, you are.’
‘Am not.’
‘Are so.’
‘Aren’t.’
‘Are.’
‘Aren’t.’
‘Are.’
‘Aren’t.’
‘Are.’
‘Aren’t.’
‘Are.’
‘Aren’t.’
‘Are.’
‘Aren’t.’
‘Are.’
‘Aren’t.’
‘Are.’
‘Aren’t.’
‘Are.’
It suddenly dawned on Selby that his reflection was exactly as stubborn as he was and that this could go on all day.
‘Okay, have it your way,’ Selby said. ‘But there’s one very important rule you have to learn.’
‘Shoot.’
‘We’re not allowed to talk when anyone’s around.’
‘First you want me to be a slave and now you want me to be a silent slave?’
‘The Trifles don’t know that I — we — can talk. Nobody knows. Nobody except Willy but nobody believes a word Willy says.’
‘They don’t know you can talk? Why not?’
‘Because it would shock them. Dogs can’t talk.’
‘What do you mean dogs can’t talk. You’re a dog and you can talk. I’m a dog and I can talk. Let’s vote on it — okay, everyone who thinks that dogs can talk put up a paw.’
Selby’s reflection put up its paw.
‘You don’t understand,’ Selby said. ‘I’m the only talking dog in Australia and, perhaps, the world.’
‘Far out!’
‘And remember that you’re me. That’s the only reason that you can talk.’
‘I’m not you.’
‘Yes, you are.’
‘No, I’m not.’
‘Are so,’ Selby said. ‘But I’m not going to argue. Point number one — if the Trifles knew I could talk they’d put me to work.’
‘Would they?’
‘Maybe not at first. But after a while they’d get used to me being a talking, reading and writing dog and then it would start. “Oh, Selby, would you mind making the beds while we’re out? You don’t have anything to do and we’re really busy. That’s a good dog.” And that would just be the beginning. Do you want to work?’
‘Me? Work?’ Selby’s reflection said. ‘Are you kidding?!’
‘Point two — if the word got around that there was a talking dog living here there would be people standing all around the house with cameras and binoculars trying to get a look at me. If I went to the loo in the bushes I’d have TV news camera crews filming me.’
‘So you could stay inside.’
‘And be trapped in the house for the rest of my life?’
‘It’s got to be better than being stuck in a mirror,’ Selby’s reflection said. ‘Is there a point three?’
‘Yes — dognappers.’
‘Dognappers?’
‘Dognappers. A talking dog would be worth squillions of dollars — maybe even grillions. I might be captured and held for ransom or sold to a very rich person to be kept in their private zoo.’
‘Could that really happen?’
‘It already did.’
‘How’d you get away?’
‘It’s too complicated to tell you right now. You’ll have to read the story “Selby Sold” in the book about me called Selby Snaps!’
‘There’s a book about you?’
‘There are a few.’
‘Who wrote them? Did you?’
‘Sort of,’ Selby said, seeing the Trifles arriving at the front door. ‘The Trifles are coming! Quick! Back in the mirror!’
‘You go,’ his reflection said.‘I’m staying here.’
‘Then at least
hide!’ Selby whispered.
‘Where? I don’t know where to hide in this house. All I know is the workroom. And the bathroom and the bedroom — only where there are mirrors.’
‘Don’t you dare say a word to anyone!’ Selby whispered as he dived behind the lounge.
The Trifles came in carrying bags of groceries.
‘Hello, Selby, old thing,’ Mrs Trifle said as she patted Selby’s reflection. ‘My you look bright and happy today.’
‘Yes, he does, doesn’t he?’ Dr Trifle said. ‘He looks like a new dog.’
Selby watched from the crack between the lounge and a chair as his reflection wagged its tail and then sat down, putting his paw up for Dr Trifle to shake.
‘Look at this!’ Dr Trifle exclaimed. ‘Selby’s shaking hands! He hasn’t done that since he was a puppy! Good boy!’
Now the reflection put two paws up.
‘Goodness me,’ Mrs Trifle said, ‘he’s begging. He’s never done that. It’s as though he has a split personality — one minute he won’t do the simplest trick and the next minute he’s sitting up and begging. Give him something to eat, dear.’
Dr Trifle picked up a Dry-Mouth Dog Biscuit and threw it. The reflection caught it perfectly in its mouth, held it for a moment and then placed it gently on the floor.
‘I think he’s gone off them,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Give me a piece of that honey ham.’
‘But that’s for tonight.’
‘Just a little piece. Come on.’
Mrs Trifle peeled off a slice of ham and threw it to the reflection, who caught it in its mouth and ate it.
‘Look how happy that made him,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Give him some of that double smoked island cheese.’
‘It’s very expensive,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Oh, well.’
This time the reflection caught the piece of cheese and, instead of eating it straightaway, it placed the cheese on the dining-room table, and then hopped up onto a chair and ate it.
‘I can’t believe it!’ Mrs Trifle exclaimed. ‘He not only wants to eat people food, he wants to eat at the table like a person!’
‘I can’t believe it either,’ Selby thought, smelling the wonderful smell of honey ham and double smoked cheese. ‘Two minutes and he’s got them trained!’
That afternoon Selby dodged from one hiding place to another as his reflection ate lots of the food Mrs Trifle was preparing for the big party. And when it wasn’t eating, it was outside chasing sticks for Dr Trifle.
‘It took me years to get Dr Trifle not to throw sticks for me and now it’s all undone,’ Selby thought.
Later he heard Dr Trifle say to Mrs Trifle, ‘We’re not going to be rich this time.’
‘Didn’t your mirror cleaner work?’ Mrs Trifle asked, handing Selby’s reflection a large piece of chocolate cake.
‘I’m afraid the mirror’s gone back to normal,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Oh, well, I can’t remember how I made it anyway. Easy come, easy go.’
That evening Selby lay in the darkness in the garage, listening to the music and laughter from the party. He thought of the wonderful life he’d led right up to the moment when Dr Trifle invented his KleerSparkle Kleener. It had been such a good life when there was only one of him.
Selby peeked out through a hole in the wall to see the backyard filled with people talking and laughing. Selby watched as his reflection began moving to the music. Everyone turned to watch as the reflection made its way around the yard in time to the music.
‘Look! Your dog is actually moving to the beat!’ one of the women said.
‘He’s a smart dog,’ Mrs Trifle said, ‘but he’s changed recently. Suddenly he seems almost … human.’
‘The next thing you know he’ll be talking,’ a man said with a laugh.
‘Oh woe,’ Selby thought. ‘My reflection’s going to give my — our — secret away for sure.’
Selby watched as his reflection made its way into the crowded house, being patted by everyone as it went. In a minute Selby heard a voice behind him.
‘Oi! You in there?’ it said. Selby’s reflection stood in the doorway. ‘It’s me — your better half. What’s wrong, mopey-bottom?’
‘Don’t you call me mopey-bottom, you traitor,’ Selby said.
‘Steady on, mate. Don’t get your fur in a flap. What have I done?’
‘You’re going to give everything away.’
‘I’m just having a good time,’ Selby’s reflection said. ‘I guess I’m just a party animal. Are you jealous?’
‘No, I’m not jealous.’
‘Are so.’
‘Am not.’
‘What would you be doing if I wasn’t here? Would you be out there where the action is?’
‘Probably not.’
‘Exactly. You’d be lying here in the garage hiding — which is what you’re doing anyway. So don’t be a spoilsport. Here, I brought you some food.’
Selby’s reflection threw some Dry-Mouth Dog Biscuits on the floor.
‘You could at least have brought some peanut prawns.’
‘So now you want people food, is that it? I’ll see if I can get some nibblies.’
‘We’ve got to talk,’ Selby said.
‘Later. I’m having too much fun right now.’
‘Well don’t give our secret away.’
‘I’ll try not to.’
‘Oh, and don’t fall in the swimming pool.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because we can’t swim.’
‘Any other warnings, Mr Worrywart?’
‘Look out for Aunt Jetty.’
‘Aunt Jetty? Mrs Trifle’s sister, Jetty? I just met her.’
‘And?’
‘She was a bit funny at first but a couple of licks and now she thinks I’m fantastic. Gotta go, sport.’
‘Great,’ Selby thought.‘My reflection’s even made friends with Aunt Jetty. That does it, now I’m going to have to kill him. But how will I do it? I know, when no one’s looking, I’ll push it in the swimming pool. But what if it calls for help? Then my secret will be out.’
Selby lay there thinking of guns and bombs and poisoned prawns.
‘What am I thinking?! I can’t kill my reflection. If I did then I wouldn’t have a reflection any more. Everybody’s gotta have a reflection. My only chance is to get it to go back in the mirror and stay there. But how? I can’t make it. My reflection is just as strong as I am.’
Selby’s mind started ticking over faster than it had ever ticked over before.
‘I’ve got to outsmart it!’ he thought. ‘It’s just as smart as I am, so what I need is confidence! I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.’
Suddenly in a distant desert, a stream of water spouted from the sand. Somewhere a cyclone stopped. In the depths of space a comet wobbled in its orbit and then sped on. And in this magic moment, the perfect plan settled into Selby’s brain — an idea so simple that it frightened him.
‘I know I can! Yessssssss!’ Selby whispered.
In the cool of the evening, most of the partygoers moved inside. Selby crept through the bushes. Nearby, Selby’s reflection lay on a banana lounge catching the chocolates in its mouth that Aunt Jetty threw.
‘I had no idea you were so much fun,’ she squealed, as the reflection snapped another one out of the air.‘Ooops, finished the Swiss chockies. I’ll see if I can find that box of Belgian ones.’
‘Arooooooooo,’ Selby’s reflection barked.
Aunt Jetty giggled and went to the table on the other side of the yard.
‘Hey! Psssst!’ Selby said.
‘What’s that? A talking bush?’
‘It’s me, Selby, you idiot. Something serious has come up.’
‘How serious?’ his reflection asked.
‘Deadly serious. Meet me in the workroom in ten minutes.’
‘What if I don’t want to?’
‘Just be there.’
‘Gotcha, chief.’
Selby was waiting in the workroom when h
is reflection arrived. He closed the door after it. The first thing the reflection noticed was that Selby had sprayed the mirror with KleerSparkle Kleener.
‘Oh, no, you don’t,’ the reflection said. ‘I’m not going in there again. No way, hoe-zay.’
‘One of us has to go,’ Selby said. ‘It’s either you or me. We can’t have a reflectionless dog walking around.’
‘Then it’s you.’
‘We’ll flip a coin.’
‘No way! I might lose.’
‘Then how are we going to decide?’
‘I’ve already decided,’ the reflection said. ‘You’re going in. It’s the perfect place for you. You don’t have to do anything except take it easy all day and, occasionally, look at me. I promise not to kiss you.’
‘Gee, thanks.’
Suddenly there were footsteps in the hallway.
‘Someone’s coming!’ Selby whispered.‘Hide!’
‘But there’s no place to hide.’
‘I’ll help you into the mirror!’ Selby said.‘We can’t have them open the door and find both of us in here — and with no reflections! That would be a dead giveaway!’
‘They’re probably not even coming here,’ the reflection said. ‘They’re probably heading down the hallway to the loo.’
‘We can’t take that chance!’ Selby said. ‘There’s no lock on the workroom door. If they open it, we’re gone! Come on, into the mirror! I’ll let you out later.’
Selby’s reflection smiled.
‘Oh, no, you don’t,’ it said. ‘You can’t outsmart me that easily.’
‘Okay then it’ll have to be me,’ Selby sighed. ‘Help me in. Here, touch my paw, it only seems to work when we’re touching.’
Selby’s reflection touched Selby’s paw and Selby stepped into the mirror. Just as he did, the reflection sprayed the mirror with Quick ’n’ Streaky.
‘Gotcha!’ it said.‘Now I’m the dog and you’re the reflection! So long, sucker! And guess what?, whoever that was in the hallway just went into the loo — just as I thought.’
Selby looked around him in the mirror room. It was just like the workroom except the writing on the calendar was backwards.
‘Please don’t leave me in here,’ he pleaded to his reflection. ‘I don’t want to spend the rest of my life — and that means your life — in a mirror.’
‘Now you know how I feel.’
‘But you’re meant to be a reflection. That’s your job. That’s your purpose in life.’
