Magic and Mayhem: Risky Witchness (Kindle Worlds Novella)

by Saranna Dewylde

  “If you were in love with a man, why did you kiss me? I obviously don’t have those parts. Were you going to try some switcheroo magick or something?” I wasn’t game… oh, who was I kidding? I’d try most anything once.

  “Why, with so many of you, does it have to be one or the other? Not just sexuality, but everything in your existence must be filed away and labeled in a neat little box.”

  “Organization makes finding what you want so much easier.” Did that apply to sexuality, I wondered.

  “No, it really doesn’t. I think it closes you off to experiences.” He abandoned the paper completely now. “I think you were more interested than you let on about ‘the switcheroo.’”

  It was like he could see in my head. How did anyone stand a chance with him when he had his power? No wonder he was a Crown Prince of Hell. I believed that now. “I happen to think it would be wildly fun to have a penis.”

  “Indeed? And what would you do with it?”

  “The same thing you do with yours. I’d try to put it everywhere.”

  He laughed and the sound was seductive somehow. “You delight me, witchness. And if you come here, I’m going to delight you.”

  Oh, it was tempting. So. Very. Tempting. “It’s not going to be that easy. I said you’d win eventually. I’m not done playing.”

  “Neither am I,” Ethelred promised.

  “The tension is so thick in this room, I could cut it with a knife. And you’re spraying your fuck-me-pheromones everywhere.” Prick complained as he waddled through the door. “You both stink like a couple of ferrets.”

  “Just where have you been?” I demanded.

  “Dealing with the club. Millie, I think this is all going to be more trouble than it’s worth. That Shifter Whisperer is on her way. There’ve been some… incidents.”

  “Don’t tell me, the licker is back?” Ethelred asked, obviously amused.

  Prick growled, but it sounded much more like a raging squeak. “The licker is stuck.”

  I brought my hand to my mouth. “Oh my goddess.”

  Ethelred had no such reverence. “He’s stuck! STUCK?”

  “It’s not funny, demon. He got his left leg like this—” Prick started to demonstrate.

  “I’m afraid I can’t picture it. Do go on,” Ethelred prompted.

  “And then got his right leg like this—” Prick balled himself up until he was face to er…bits. “And then… shit.”

  “Are you stuck?” Ethelred asked without rancor.

  “Maybe. You bastard.”

  “How is this my fault? I just wanted to see how the guy could get stuck. I mean, how exactly does that happen? If you can get your own leg up, why can’t you get it down?”

  “Sonofabitch, I’m stuck.” Prick rocked back and forth, trying to gain some kind of purchase to untangle himself and ended up rolling too far forward, so he spun about the room, a sharp little ball howling porcupine—with his face stuck in his own bits.

  I giggled. So help me, I giggled. I knew Prick would never forgive me, but it wasn’t like this mess wasn’t partially his own making.

  He’d crawled into my chair, after all. That had been his joy in life, getting me to sit on his spines.

  I know, I shouldn’t laugh at my poor familiar in such a predicament. But what can I say? I’m a bit of a wicked witch. Probably why I got stuck with a porcupine as a familiar anyway. But what are you going to do?

  “Stop laughing,” he howled as he kept rolling, shooting around the room like a spiky little pinball.

  This of course made me laugh harder.

  The door opened in the midst of all of this and standing with Prudence was surely my doom. I could feel the waves of her power from across the room. And she was not happy.

  “This is Zelda, the Shifter Whisperer,” Prudence said.

  “Just what in the name of all that’s unholy is going on in here?” She put her hands on her hips and her magick crackled around her hands.

  Prick rolled to a stop at Ethelred’s foot and the demon nudged him so that he rolled again. Zelda caught him and picked him up.

  “Knock it off,” she said, and Prick promptly unfurled and squeaked.

  “Come here, honey.” Prudence held out her arms.

  Prick jumped to her and she caught him easily, cradling him against her chest. “There, there, darling.”

  He burrowed in her cleavage and snorted happily.

  “I’m waiting on an answer. What’s going on here?”

  Ethelred raised a brow. “Well, I thought that’d be obvious.”

  “Listen, buddy. I don’t have time for your bullshit. I’ve got a Shifter who swears it was just a cleaning accident, but after leaving your club got stuck with his face in his junk, I’ve got honey badgers mating right under the statue in the town square. And Justin? You remember Justin, right? He got his dick stuck in a honeycomb. The bees are outraged, and you would be too, don’t act like you wouldn’t, and Justin is… wrecked. So I will ask you just once more, what the hell is going on here?”

  “Wait, you think this is somehow my fault?” I stood, my own hands on my hips. I wasn’t about to take the rap for something I didn’t do.

  “The only thing they all have in common is that they went to your club last night. They are people who don’t behave that way. The only thing new is you. So, logically, you must be the problem.” Zelda looked both pleased with herself and ready to do battle.

  “Yeah, logically.” I rolled my eyes. “I’m not new in town. And I’m not in your town. We’re outside Assjacket. And Mandrake’s was Bob’s before. Still doing the same business with the fairies. Still serving the same Fairy Juice he did.” I nodded to Prudence. “She has the contracts to prove it. She’s the manager of The Mandrake as well, just to make sure we’re all compliant with codes of magickal beings and otherwise. I didn’t do anything to—”

  “Maybe you don’t understand what I just said. Honey. Badgers. Having. Sex.”

  I took a moment to picture it and really didn’t care for the imagery my brain came up with.

  “In the public square.”

  “Well, I wasn’t there. I didn’t do anything to them. I’m just trying to pay off my student loans and get this guy home.” I pointed at Ethelred.

  Zelda eyed me and for a moment, I decided that maybe she would make a great demon. She had that same power to see past my skin. I’m glad I wasn’t a liar or I was sure, in that moment, my pants might actually be on fire.

  “I sympathize with you, Mellie, I do.”

  “Millie.”

  “Whatever.” She waved her arm, then the expression on her face softened. “Everyone knows what happened to you. So I really see where you’re coming from. I mean, I did my time in the pokey and let me just tell you, that wasn’t an easy trip. The clothes alone were torture.” She shook her head. “So I understand your situation. But you need to understand my situation. I’ve got these Shifters who depend on me. It’s sort of my thing now. I didn’t want it, but I’ve got it, and I’m doing the best I can to protect them. If you’re a threat to them, personal likes or dislikes aside, you’re going down.”

  I could see where she was coming from, too. But I hadn’t done anything. “Listen, if there was something going on here that I knew was hurting people, I wouldn’t be doing it. I swear on all things witch.”

  “Ha. You put your magick up as collateral for your student loans, so pardon me if I take that with a grain of salt.”

  I glanced at Ethelred, who remained impassive. I kind of wanted him to be all fire and brimstone on my behalf, and I was a little disappointed he just sat there.

  Of course, what did I actually want him to do? Nothing. Anything he could’ve done would just make the situation worse, but sometime, I’d like it if someone could be Captain Save-a-Witch when I actually needed it.

  I always had to save myself, and I could do it…trip the pokey being the exception. I mean, I’d do what I had to. I couldn’t help but think it would be really nice if
once in a while someone else could just take care of me. Someone else could wave a wand and fix everything that was broken.

  “Take it with anything you want, but that’s the truth.”

  Zelda studied me for a long moment. “I believe that you believe what you say.” She nodded. “You’re going to have to take this before the Baba Yaga anyway when she gets back.”

  “That’s what brought me to Assjacket originally. I needed to see her to send this guy home.”

  “He’s the one brought through from another dimension?” Zelda inspected him. “What does he do?”

  “Pardon me, but what?”

  “You know. Do you do a little dance? Do you have magick of your own? What do you do?”

  Ethelred, without missing a beat, said, “I’m a sex slave.”

  Zelda seemed to take this in stride herself. “I see. Well, have fun with that. Look, Missy Manderbake, I’ve got nothing against what you’ve got going on. Like I said, I even understand it. I have to say, it’s kind of a brilliant plan, really. But if I find out that this place has anything to do with what’s happening to my Shifters, I will shut you down.” She studied me. “If I find out that what’s happening to them was in any way malicious or knowingly done on your part, I won’t just shut you down. I’ll burn it down with you inside. Got me?”

  I wanted to tell her to take her threats and shove them where the Shifter didn’t shine, but I didn’t. If someone had threatened any of my motley little crew, I’d be all about raining hell on them, too.

  “I swear, Zelda. I’m just trying to pay my bills and have a little fun while I’m doing it.”

  “All right. I’m outtie for now. But I’ll be back.”

  “Pru, why don’t you give Zelda the tour. Show her anything she wants to see.” I considered for a long moment. “Leave some Fairy Juice and take Prick with you.”

  Chapter 5

  Ethelred

  “No. Put the Fairy Juice down,” I said as soon as the door closed.

  “Why? Everything is going to shit, and I’m going to have a last hurrah.”

  “Not on my time. Listen Bitchy Witchy, I’m not bathing you again, and I’m not plucking spines from your ass. I get that it sucks. I’m right here in Suckville with you, but do you see me getting shitfaced on Fairy Juice and puking on my traveling companions? No. Because that has never in the history of ever helped anything.”

  “Oh, come on. You know that alcohol is the universal lube. When life fucks you in the ass, I say you deserve a little Astroglide.”

  “Fairy Juice is not Astroglide. And this didn’t just happen to you, witchling. Your choices brought you here. You chose the student loans.”

  “I didn’t choose Prick.”

  “Do you think he chose you?” Ethelred rolled his eyes. “I’m pretty sure that poor little bastard would much rather have any other witch than you.”

  “Am I that bad?” She looked up at me, her eyes luminous and sad.

  She was such an easy target at the moment. Boring. I sighed. I guess it was probably time to get to that lesson teaching. Even without magickal powers, I could drop some knowledge on her. It was easier to make them listen, though, if I could drop them into a situation that drove it home. So I supposed simply telling her would have to do.

  I briefly wondered if that was supposed to be my lesson? If that was why I’d been sent here. To learn something about my job, my role in the vast endless universes… I hated those self-teaching moments. They were a pain in the ass.

  “It’s not that you’re ‘that bad.’ It’s that not everything is actually about you. A witch and her familiar are supposed to have this amazing bond. From what I can see, you two only live to irritate the other. Although, you should know, he gathered those dollar bills without much complaint that night in the bar so you wouldn’t have to conjure us a place to sleep. He does look out for you, and I don’t see you doing anything for him. It’s like he’s part of your luggage.”

  She looked like she’d just been smacked with a shit stick.

  “Yeah, I know it’s no fun to have ugly realizations about yourself. But we do what we do and then we keep on keeping on. So instead of feeling sorry for yourself, how about you think about ways to bring in as much money as we can until we get shut down and then figure out a contingency plan for how to pay the loans back if this doesn’t work.”

  She perked. “You’re right. I have almost half the money I need already. It’s not as hopeless as I’d thought.” Her smile beamed. “I could just kiss you.”

  Well, she had said it was inevitable, right? She’d just accepted this was going to happen between us? I wasn’t opposed.

  “Then why don’t you?” I offered.

  She cocked her head. “I already told you, I’m not ready for the chase to be over.”

  “Why does it have to be over? It’s a peck, not penetration.”

  “I think we both know how this will go. I’ll bend to kiss your cheek and instead of your cheek, I’ll get your mouth and then it’ll all be downhill from there.”

  I was slightly insulted. “Downhill, madam? I beg your pardon.”

  She laughed. “You know what I mean.”

  “I do, but are we not higher beings? We’re more than base animals rutting in the dirt. We control our own actions. Don’t you agree?”

  “We do, but I know being that close to you, I won’t want to.”

  “Stop giving me so much power over you. Come here and take what you want.”

  “At the moment, I want nothing. I only want to think about the possibility.”

  “Then stop offering your kisses, witchy woman. Because I want them.”

  She walked to me slowly, as if it were some great trial. The look on her face was pure frustration, which pleased me endlessly.

  “I’m not giving you one just because you want it.”

  “Why not?” Oh, I enjoyed teasing her.

  “Because, like you said, it’s not all about you, is it?”

  She was throwing my own words back at me. I liked that very much. If we sparred and she could stab me with my own foil, that was just sexy.

  I leaned back in the chair, hands splayed on my thighs. We met each other’s regard and locked metaphorical horns.

  I had the feeling that however this turned out, it would be a draw. We’d both win, but we’d both lose, too.

  I was starting not to care. My demonic nature was too intrigued in the challenge she offered. The experience of having this little witch.

  She stood in front of me, and for a moment, I wasn’t sure what she was going to do. That moment was full of expectation, gravid with possibility. It was as if in that single second, everything was possible, and yet nothing was real. It was surreal.

  It was exciting.

  In a world that had long been plain, she was something bright. Something shiny. Something I needed to have in my nest, if only for a little while.

  “What if I don’t kiss you?”

  “So what if you don’t?” I shrugged. “It wouldn’t be the first time I didn’t get something I wanted. It won’t be the last. We’ll both survive.”

  “I’m something you want? Or is it simply because I told you no?”

  “Obviously, that’s part of it. But no, that’s not the only reason. I wanted to get my claws on you since I first saw what was on the other side of the portal. I’d even considered offering you a deal for a night of…” I decided to leave it vague. “…whatever I wanted to do with you. But alas, no magick to trade.”

  “You’re full of shit.”

  “Okay,” I agreed easily.

  “I don’t know what to do with you.”

  I arched a brow. “Fuck me, obviously.”

  She stammered and blushed. “But what about after?”

  “What about it?” I knew what she was asking, but why worry about it now? It would be whatever it was and, regardless of what we told ourselves, there’d be no stopping it and no changing it.

  A thing could only be wha
t it was—in the end, true to its nature.

  “I don’t want you to hurt me.”

  Her quiet confession touched me in places I didn’t want to be touched. It made me soft. Not in the places that count, mind you, but in the heart. That thing I didn’t want. “We demons get such a bad rap. I already told you it’s not in my job description to hurt you.”

  “But you would, if it would teach me the lesson you’ve been assigned to teach me, wouldn’t you?”

  “I would, but as far as I know, I’m not here to teach you anything. Maybe you’re the one who is supposed to teach me something.”

  “I have no idea what that would be. I can’t manage my own life, so I don’t know how any greater power would expect me to teach a demon anything.”

  “We all have thing to teach each other, regardless of our spot on the Great Wheel.” Her heart raced, I could see the pulse in her throat. Her face was flushed, and she hadn’t had any Fairy Juice. It seemed she’d worked herself up to kissing me, but she carried herself like she was walking toward her own doom.

  It was a good thing I wasn’t the sort to get offended by something like that. I understood her fear though. I shared it, but this thing between us didn’t seem like it would be dying out any time soon. So why deny ourselves the bit of pleasure that could be had?

  “So are you going to meet me halfway, or what?” She licked her lips.

  “Why? I already made the advance once and was soundly rebuffed. You should be sure. I want to see proof that you’re sure.”

  “So you can say no in some kind of payback?”

  “Devils no, witchy.” I laughed and patted my lap. “All my cards are on the table. It’s time to play yours.”

  “This banter is going to be the death of me.”

  “I highly doubt that. You live for it. My cock on the other hand,” I flashed her a grin. “Maybe. But I promise I’ll make it worth it.”

  “Does that actually work for you?” She wrinkled her nose.

  “Um, yeah. Actually, it does.” I sniffed, indignant. “You were the one who got a handful and insisted we have a conversation about it. I don’t see why I shouldn’t mention the tools I’ll be using to bring you that pleasure I promised.”