Dead Room Farce

by Simon Brett

  Table of Contents

  The Charles Paris Mystery Series

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Dedication

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  The Charles Paris Mystery Series

  CAST, IN ORDER OF DISAPPEARANCE

  SO MUCH BLOOD

  STAR TRAP

  AN AMATEUR CORPSE

  A COMEDIAN DIES

  THE DEAD SIDE OF THE MIKE

  SITUATION TRAGEDY

  MURDER UNPROMPTED

  MURDER IN THE TITLE

  NOT DEAD, ONLY RESTING

  DEAD GIVEAWAY

  WHAT BLOODY MAN IS THAT?

  A SERIES OF MURDERS

  CORPORATE BODIES

  A RECONSTRUCTED CORPSE

  SICKEN AND SO DIE

  DEAD ROOM FARCE

  DEAD ROOM FARCE

  A Charles Paris Mystery

  Simon Brett

  This ebook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorised distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s and publisher’s rights and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly.

  This title first published in Great Britain in 1997

  by Victor Gollancz

  eBook edition first published in 2012 by Severn House Digital

  an imprint of Severn House Publishers Limited

  Copyright © 1997 Simon Brett.

  The right of Simon Brett to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988.

  A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library.

  ISBN-13: 978-1-4483-0021-1 (epub)

  Except where actual historical events and characters are being described for the storyline of this novel, all situations in this publication are fictitious and any resemblance to living persons is purely coincidental.

  This eBook produced by

  Palimpsest Book Production Limited,

  Falkirk, Stirlingshire, Scotland.

  To David and Jacqui

  Chapter One

  THAT September morning Charles Paris had his trousers round his ankles, but it was for entirely professional reasons. He was taking part in the final London rehearsal for the forthcoming three-month tour of Not On Your Wife!, a new farce by the prolific British farceur, Bill Blunden. Charles was playing Aubrey, the older lover of Gilly, wife of Bob, the advertising executive who was pretending that his young mistress Nicky was in fact the property of his hapless neighbour, Ted, played in this Parrott Fashion production by the well-loved comedy actor, Bernard Walton. In the scene they were rehearsing, Charles Paris, as Aubrey, had just arrived for a bit of illicit afternoon pleasure with Gilly . . .

  The set is the sitting rooms of the two flats, divided by a common central wall, The flats are identical in dimensions, and both have French windows opening on to a balcony running along the back of the stage. Gilly and Bob’s flat (Stage Left) is smart and fashionable; Louise and Ted’s (Stage Right) scruffier and more lived-in. Louise sits in her flat in an armchair, reading a magazine. (The lights on this area are dim; the lights are up on Gilly and Bob’s flat.) Gilly, an attractive redhead in her thirties, has just let in Aubrey, her wealthy lover, in his fifties. As soon as they enter the room, they go into a clinch.

  AUBREY: I’m sorry I couldn’t come any quicker.

  GILLY: I never want you to come any quicker.

  AUBREY (after a tiny pause to give the audience time to pick up on the innuendo): I got tied up.

  GILLY: You naughty boy! And I thought I was the only woman in your life.

  AUBREY (tiny pause): No, no, one of the secretaries at the office had made a cock-up and I had to have her on the carpet.

  GILLY (tiny pause): I don’t think you’re making things sound any better, Aubrey: (starting to undo the buckle of his trouser belt and pulling him by the belt towards the bedroom door) You’re going to have to make it up to me. In bed. With her spare hand, she opens the bedroom door.

  AUBREY: Oh dear. I’m not sure that I’m up for this.

  GILLY (as she pulls him through into the bedroom): You’d better be!

  They disappear into the bedroom. The door slams shut behind them. There is a moment’s silence, then the doorbell is heard. It rings a second time. Gilly comes bustling out of the bedroom, followed by Aubrey. He has his trousers round his ankles, to reveal boxer shorts that are a bit too young for him.

  AUBREY: Oh Lord, who could it be?

  GILLY: I don’t know, do I? But, whoever it is, they can’t see you here. I’m a respectable married woman.

  The doorbell rings again.

  AUBREY (trying to run in three directions at once and finding it difficult with his trousers round his ankles): Oh, goodness! Where can I go?

  GILLY (pointing to the French windows): Over there.

  AUBREY: Over there? But we’re on the fifth floor. (letting out a wail) I’m too young to die!

  GILLY: No, I didn’t mean over the rail. (hustling him towards the French windows) I just meant on to the balcony. You can come back in when whoever it is has gone.

  AUBREY: But suppose they don’t go? Suppose it’s your husband. He might never go. He lives here.

  GILLY (opening the French windows): He also has a front door key, so he wouldn’t use the bell, would he?

  AUBREY: He might have lost it.

  GILLY (pushing Aubrey out on to the balcony): Not as much as you seem to have done, Aubrey.

  AUBREY (as she closes the French windows on him): Ooh, my good Gawd! It’s cold enough out here to freeze the ba . . .

  The closing of the French windows cuts off the end of his line. Running her hands through her hair to tidy it, Gilly hurries towards the door to the hall. On the balcony, Aubrey, shivering and still with his trousers round his ankles, scurries off towards Stage Left. Unable to proceed further in that direction, he scurries back the other way. He has just gone out of sight behind the central division between the two flats, when Gilly returns from the hall, ushering in Willie, a flamboyant interior designer, who wears a brightly coloured silk suit with a diaphanous scarf floating around his neck.

  WILLIE: Ooh, I’d nearly given up on you. I thought you must’ve been having a bit of an afternoon snooze. Go on, were you having a bit?

  GILLY: Very nearly.

  WILLIE (tiny pause): I’m your interior designer. (reaching out to take her hand and give it a flamboyant kiss) I’m called Willie. (coyly) Not without reason.

  GILLY (tiny pause, gesturing to the flat): Well, here’s the flat. This is about the size of it.

  WILLIE: As the bishop said to the actress. (looking round the flat with disapproval) Oh dear. Who on earth did this for you? These designs have got all the razzmatazz of a civil servant’s Y-fronts.

  GILLY: That’s why they need changing.

  WILLIE: That’s what the civil servant’s wife said.

  Gilly watches anxiously, as Willie continues to look disparagingly round the f
lat. On the balcony, Aubrey’s head has appeared behind the French windows, peering nervously round from the central division.

  WILLIE (still facing out front, taking out a notebook): Maybe we should start with those dreadful 1950s French windows. Hm, is the balcony only as wide as the windows themselves? (He turns to face Gilly.) Or do you have a bit on the side?

  GILLY (guiltily): No, I certainly don’t! What on earth gave you that idea?

  WILLIE: Well, let’s see just how bad these windows really are. (He swings round in a flamboyant gesture. Just in time, Aubrey’s head disappears behind the central division.) What do you keep on the balcony?

  GILLY (very quickly): Nothing.

  WILLIE (moving towards the balcony): I bet you do. Everyone does. I bet you’ve got some revolting old crock out there . . .

  GILLY: No, I haven’t!

  WILLIE: Some mouldy old creeper that took your fancy . . .

  GILLY: No.

  WILLIE: Well, let’s have a look!

  He throws the French windows open. Gilly covers her face with her hands in horror. As Willie opens the windows, Aubrey appears suddenly on the balcony outside the French windows of Louise and Ted’s flat. (The lights now go up to half-full on Louise and Ted’s flat.)

  WILLIE (picking up a flowerpot with a shrivelled plant in it): See, I knew I’d find some wizened old weed out here.

  GILLY (her hands still covering her eyes): It’s all right, I can explain everything. He’s the window cleaner!

  WILLIE: What?

  GILLY: Yes, and his ladder fell down!

  WILLIE: His ladder?

  GILLY: Yes. (taking her hands away from her eyes and seeing what Willie is holding) Oh, that kind of weed. Yes, yes, of course.

  Willie gives her a strange look. (The lights go down on Gilly and Bob’s flat and up to full on Louise and Ted’s.) Aubrey, afraid of being seen by Willie, opens the French windows, and steps into the other flat. He still has his trousers round his ankles. Louise looks up from her magazine in horror.

  LOUISE: Oh, my goodness! (thinking he’s the escaped prisoner, ‘Ginger’ Little) Are you Little?

  AUBREY (looking down at his boxer shorts): Quite possibly. But it is very cold out there.

  LOUISE: No, I mean – are you ‘Ginger’?

  AUBREY: Certainly not! (He pulls his trousers up.) Nothing funny about me. I’m as straight as the day is long.

  LOUISE: But today’s the shortest day.

  AUBREY: You don’t need to tell me. (He turns away from her modestly to try to zip himself up. As soon as his back is turned, Louise reaches in panic to a drawer in a desk beside her chair.) Ooh, it was so cold out there. Goodness, I thought I’d –

  LOUISE (producing a pistol from the drawer and pointing it at Aubrey’s back): Freeze!

  AUBREY: Exactly. (He turns back to face Louise. Seeing that he’s looking down the barrel of a gun, he throws his hands up in the air.) Aagh! His trousers once again fall down.

  The general feeling about the run-through had been pretty good. At the end, Rob Parrott, of Parrott Fashion Productions, who had watched it, was cautiously complimentary. True, there was a lot still to do; and true, everything would be different when they actually got the show on to the proper set in Bath; but at least for the time being Not On Your Wife! seemed to be in pretty good shape.

  The director certainly thought so. But then David J. Girton was not the most demanding of taskmasters. His background was in BBC Television Light Entertainment. Until recently he had been a staff producer/ director with an extensive portfolio of inoffensive sofa-bound situation comedies behind him. But the changing world of the BBC in the 1990s had seen him edged out, still brought back on contract to produce the occasional series – in particular, the relentlessly long-running Neighbourhood Watch – but now with freedom to ‘do other things’.

  Not On Your Wife! was one of those ‘other things’. David J. Girton had worked a lot in television with the show’s star, Bernard Walton, and that was the reason for his appointment. Bernard Walton’s contract stipulated that he had director approval and, rather than going for a dynamically creative figure, the star had opted for someone who wouldn’t interfere too much with the way he intended to play his part.

  Because there was no question who was in charge of the production, Bernard Walton dictated the pace and emphasis of rehearsals. He selected which bits should be worked on in depth (the scenes he was in) and which should be hurried through on the nod (the scenes he wasn’t in). And the whole schedule was fitted around his commitments. The reason their last London rehearsal was on a Thursday was simply that Bernard Walton had a long-standing commitment to play in a charity Pro-Am golf tournament on the Friday.

  As well as having the star’s approval, David J. Girton was treated with easy tolerance by the rest of the company. Many of them were comedy actors he already knew from television, though he hadn’t worked before with Charles Paris, who Bernard had suggested as a possible Aubrey. Charles had appeared at the end of the first afternoon of auditions, and been extremely flattered when the director had cancelled the second day’s calls and offered him the part on the spot, expressing his opinion that the actor demonstrated the requisite quality of ‘seedy gentility’. At the time Charles had seen this as a reflection of his own brilliance, but closer acquaintance with David J. Girton suggested it might have more to do with the director’s constitutional indolence.

  Because, the longer rehearsals went on, the clearer it became that this production of not on your wife! had been entrusted to a seriously lazy man. The business of television sitcom, in which David J. Girton had learnt his comedy skills, was, for an experienced hand, not a particularly onerous one. True, the studio days could be stressful, and there was always the risk of flouncing and door-slamming from the various service departments involved. But, for someone who’d been around such a long time and who always worked with the same tolerant studio team, a long-running sitcom did not present an over-taxing work schedule. Daily rehearsals from ten to two, and a camera script in which only the lines changed from week to week, had left David J. Girton with plenty of time to enjoy the good food and wine which had contributed to his substantial girth.

  So, doing theatre rehearsal hours – usually from ten to six with the statutory Equity coffee and lunch breaks – gave him the impression he was working hard. To have actually worked hard during those hours would, to David J. Girton, have seemed like gilding the lily. He was content to block out the play’s basic moves, take long lunch hours, lop a bit off the end of the working day, and basically let Bernard Walton get on with it.

  This suited most of the actors very well. It certainly suited the star. Bernard Walton reckoned he ‘knew about comedy’, and worked tirelessly on his own part, incorporating his familiar repertoire of elaborate takes and reactions, without any reference to the other actors around him.

  This behaviour, which in more serious areas of the theatre would have been regarded as appallingly unprofessional and selfish, was accepted amiably by the rest of the cast. They were all old comedy hands, who knew better than to get into competition for laughs with their star. Many of them had been in plays by Bill Blunden before, and were aware that his dramatic structures offered each cast member an unchanging ration of funny moments. So long as those moments were played right, the laughs would come. Only the star was allowed to embroider his part. And any attempts to upstage him would simply throw out the predictable but durable mechanism of Bill Blunden’s plotting.

  So David J. Girton, as director, was content to be a chubby, bonhomous presence around the rehearsal room, and to punctuate the days with his two catch-phrases, ‘Anyone fancy a little drink?’ and ‘Anyone going out for a meal?’

  The take-up he got on the second question was smaller than that he got on the first. David J. Girton’s eating habits were expensive. Long training with a flexible BBC expense account had provided him with a compendious list of smart restaurants, which were beyond the means of most of his cast.
Bernard Walton, and the others who could have afforded it, tended to duck the eating invitation. They were professionals, concentrating on the show. They’d be happy to go out for lavish meals between projects, or to celebrate high points of the current production – first night and so on – but they didn’t aspire to them, as their director did, on a daily basis.

  A good few of the cast, however, were happy to take up David J. Girton’s invitation to ‘a little drink’ – particularly because he hadn’t yet broken his old BBC habit of hurrying to the bar and buying the first round. So that was what happened on the day of the last London rehearsal for Not On Your Wife! The director, keen to top up his own alcohol level, issued the customary ‘Anyone fancy a little drink?’, and most of the company were happy to take up his offer.

  Bernard Walton was one of the exceptions. ‘S-sorry,’ he said, with the familiar and studied stutter which had been the dynamo of his comedy career. ‘Got to get into the dickie bow for this AIDS charity do at the Shaftesbury.’

  ‘I can’t make it either, I’m afraid, David,’ apologised the youngest member of the cast, Pippa Trewin, who played Louise. She was a pretty enough and perfectly competent young actress, though Charles had been surprised that she’d got a substantial part in such a major tour straight out of drama school.

  He was even more surprised at that moment to see Bernard Walton give Pippa a discreet little wave and mouth, ‘See you later, love.’

  Maybe her casting wasn’t such a surprise then, after all. Charles had known Bernard Walton for a very long time – he’d directed the young actor in his first major role, as Young Marlowe in She Stoops to Conquer – and in all that time Charles’d never heard the faintest whiff of sexual gossip about him. In the relationship maelstrom that is the theatre, Bernard was one of the minority who had stayed locked into his original marriage. Indeed, it was a subject on which he frequently waxed boring in television chat-shows and magazine interviews.

  Charles’s view had always been that Bernard was not that interested in sex. The all-consuming passions of the star’s life were his career and, more recently, his desire to get a knighthood for ‘charitable work and services to the theatre’. Any woman who could put up with his whingeing and worrying on all the time about those two subjects would have no difficulty in staying married to him.