Running on Empty

by L. B. Simmons

  “You go on, each day, as though you’re happy and at peace with your life. Or at least trying to convince yourself that you are. But you also go on, each day, not really living. It’s not fair. It’s not fair to you and it’s definitely not fair to your children, who deserve to see their mother happy. It’s time to let him go and live your life without him. Derek has been dead for three years! Three. Years. Alex.”

  Okay…now I’m really starting to get irritated.

  “Really Harlow. How profound of you.” I glare at her. My voice starts to quiver as it rises.

  “No shit Derek’s been dead for three years! I live with that knowledge every single day of my life. Every day, I wake up still expecting him to be lying next to me. Every day, I look at these children and wonder if they have any inkling of how wonderful, caring, smart, beautiful, strong, and loving their father really was. I live my life, every day, with a heart that is completely empty. I have a heart that unfortunately is irreparable. Yes, Harlow, every day of my life is a constant reminder that Derek is dead! Is there any other mind blowing information you feel the need to share with me?!” I yell at her as the tears roll down my cheeks.

  Without hesitation, Harlow moves herself directly in front of my face. “Yes, Alex. Actually there is. You’ve become so obsessed with living right by him after his death…you don’t see anything else. Derek is dead, Alex. You are not! But you live as though you are, as though your life is done and over with too. You should know better than anyone how short and precious life is. How important it is to make the most of what you have been given. You have got to find the strength to get back out there. To love again. To feel again. You cannot continue this apathetic way of life. It’s not healthy for you…and it’s affecting you. If I see it, you know the girls see it. Is that how you want to be seen by your daughters…the children who worship the ground you walk on? Is that the example you want to set for them? Or do you want them to see the true strength their mother possesses? Because I know it’s still in there, Alex. I know you and I know your fierce strength. How hard you can love. How much life you still have in you. Don’t let your fear rob you of the happiness that you deserve.” My thoughts automatically go to Blake.

  “What…so Blake’s supposed to be my second chance? Just because he happens to come back to town, that means I’m supposed to fall madly and deeply in love with him? Get real, Harlow. I have three daughters now. I don’t have the luxury to just fall in love on a whim. My life is different now,” I say to her, trying to control my anger.

  “This has nothing to do with Blake. What it has to do with is the fact that you’re so obsessed with Derek that you won’t let anyone else in. He didn’t do anything today but help you. Yet you’re angry about it. Instead of being grateful like anyone else in their right mind would be. Although seeing you express any emotion at all is refreshing actually. You’ve completely closed yourself off from anyone else but me. You won’t open yourself up to feel anything. That’s what concerns me.”

  I try to choke down my anger, but I don’t think it’s really working. I’m pretty sure my anger filled tears are giving me away.

  Harlow shifts her weight on the couch. “Listen honey, it could be Tony the fucking Tiger and I would still be having this conversation with you. You have blinders on and refuse to allow yourself to see anything else. I’m not saying you should feel anything for Blake. But it’s okay to get help from people. Not everyone expects something in return. Blake was always there for you when you needed him, and evidently he still is.” I roll my eyes. She continues.

  “But while we are on the topic of Blake…I do find it very interesting that you say seeing him is like seeing anyone else around town. I know you and Derek were together for a very long time. But there was a time before Derek, Alex. There was a time that you and Blake were actually very close friends. Best friends. We all were. But you refuse to acknowledge any of this when talking about him. Do you even remember those days? Do you remember how much he cared for you back then? Even as young as we were, he would’ve done anything for you. He was always there for you, whenever you needed him, both before and after you met Derek. Do you really not remember? Or is it just safer for you not to remember?”

  I just stare at her when she’s finished with her speech, tears now running in continuous streams down my face. I can’t answer her because, honestly, I don’t know the answers to the questions she’s asking. I don’t know anything anymore. I can say that I honestly had no thoughts stemming back to my relationship with Blake when I saw him this morning. All I really thought about Blake this morning was that I found him extremely irritating. Maybe Harlow does have a point. Because, now that I think about it, it’s odd that I didn’t even think about my past relationship with Blake this morning, considering he and I grew up together. She’s right; we had a history together and for me not to even remember that, well…

  I exhale in defeat.

  “Alright, Harlow. I get it. It’s just hard sometimes, ya know? Honestly, I’m tired of being strong all the time, tired of pretending. But I’m scared. It’s so much easier for me to cling to the memories of happiness than to consider any possibility of losing someone again. You were there Harlow. You saw everything. I don’t know if I could survive it a second time when I barely made it through the first time. You know that. How many times did you have to force me to get up just to take care of the girls? How many times did you have to come over to console me when I couldn’t stop screaming and crying? How many times did you come over just to check on the girls to make sure they were okay – and don’t say you didn’t because I know you did. Honestly, how many times? So I understand your concern, I truly do. But I feel that I’ve earned a little leeway to be scared without being judged.”

  Though still angry, I feel myself conceding that she might be on to something. “But…you’re right about the girls deserving better. And I’ll work on that, okay. Just please, try to be patient with me.”

  My face is now soaked with my tears.

  “It’s just not easy for me to accept help from people. You also know that Harlow. I don’t want to let someone in only to lose them again and asking for help is letting someone in. That scares me to death so I guess I choose to distance myself like I did this morning with Blake. Of all the freakin’ people, why did it have to be him? ”

  Harlow gives me a slight smile.

  “Alex. I love you. I love your girls. I just want to see you allow yourself to be happy. I’m not saying Blake is or isn’t the one to do that for you. But I don’t want to see you push away a true friendship that you need right now. And you need him. I know you do. And I think you know you do, too. I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing that it was Blake this morning. Maybe someone’s trying to tell you something, but you’re just being too stubborn to listen.” She places her hand on my knee.

  “Listen. You know I have no room to pass judgment. And I would never pass judgment on you. Yes, I did see everything you went through. And the fact that you’re here, being a wonderful mother to those beautiful girls, shows me how strong you truly are. How strong you can be. Show the girls that strength. Your strength. Teach them. I know you can. I know you want to. And I know you will. But eventually, you’re going to have to let someone else in. Even if it’s just a friend. You need to start trusting people again, Alex. ”

  I nod my head and place my hand over hers. “I know, Harlow. It’s just not that easy. I’ll try, but please be patient with me. And even though I’m officially still mad at you,” I give her a quick wink, “I know that you’re only saying this because you care, so I forgive you.”

  I tighten my hand around hers.

  “I love you Harlow. And I thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I wouldn’t be here without you.”

  Harlow gives my hand a pat. “You are most welcome.” Then, smiling widely she adds, “Now, enough of the serious shit…let’s finish off that second bottle of wine.”

  Two hours and one fall in the toilet later
by Miss Harlow Reed (for which I knowingly misplace the blame onto my children), I close the door as Harlow leaves. When I’m confident she’s gone, I migrate to the attic to pull out a box full of random things I kept from my time with Derek. Old letters, dried flowers, movie tickets, etc. I don’t know why, but I just feel the need to go through it right now. Maybe it’s because Harlow just drilled the fact that Derek is indeed dead into my head tonight.

  Flashlight in hand, I walk across the attic floor. I notice a box sitting in the corner that I don’t recognize. It’s simply labeled “Alex’s Stuff.” Hmm…whoever was in charge of labeling on moving day really needed to be reassigned to do something else.

  I open the box and it is mainly stuff from my childhood room: dolls, cassette tapes, yearbooks…

  Digging around, I notice an old shoe box at the bottom. I pull it out and open it. In the box there are many pieces of paper, different shapes and sizes, with writing all over them. Below them, something shiny catches my eye. I shift the papers over and pull the silver object out of the box. I let out a small gasp.

  In my hand is the charm bracelet that Blake had given me when we were kids. He worked for years and years on it.

  Oh.My.God. How could I have forgotten?

  And how could I have just thrown it in a box?

  I look at each charm and smile. I remember every single one. Blake would get a charm anytime we went anywhere. He would buy them when he went on summer and winter vacations with his family. He would even buy them on random occasions, making his mom take him all over to find just the right one. And since this started when we were around seven years old, there were a lot of charms, five or six year’s worth of them. I flip through them quickly to find my favorite charm. Blake gave it to me when we were thirteen years old.

  We went to the lake that day to go fishing, something we always did in the summers…and since school was about to start we wanted to get as much fishing time in as we could. Enjoying the morning sun, we were both sitting in the boat, silently enjoying it as it rocked back and forth, when I felt a sudden tug on my line. I yanked the pole back and I could feel the fish fighting me; it felt like a big one. I jumped up with excitement and started bringing it in. As I reeled it out of the water, I threw my fishing pole to the side, grabbing the line with one hand and the fish in the other. Trying to unhook the fish’s mouth, I could feel the fish wiggling out of my grasp.

  “Blake! Help me! I’m about to lose the fish,” I yelled frantically as I tried to get the hook out of its mouth. But it was too late. The fish fell and started flopping all over the bottom of the boat. We both dropped to our knees in an effort to catch it, but neither one of us could grab it, it kept slipping out of our hands. Finally, it must have unhooked itself because it flipped and flopped its way out of the boat, but we didn’t care. We were laughing so hard we could hardly breathe. We both ended up on our bellies facing each other.

  Finally, when we managed to stop laughing, we just stopped and stared at each other. I noticed how his hair was a lot lighter in the summer, which made his green eyes even more beautiful. I was lost in his eyes when suddenly, he leaned in and gave me a tiny peck on the cheek. Before I could say anything, he rose to his feet so quickly it made me dizzy. Well, it was either that or the rocking of the boat when he got up. Either way, Blake Morgan just kissed me on the cheek. I could feel the heat on my face as I stood back up in the middle of the boat, but I said nothing.

  Blake and I both acted like nothing happened for the rest of the day. We soon went back to normal, joking and laughing with each other. We left after a couple of hours, eventually going our separate ways.

  Right before dinner, there was a knock on my front door. I went to answer it, expecting Harlow. But when I opened the door, there was no one there. There was, however, a box placed on the welcome mat. I picked it up and untied the red ribbon that held it closed. Sitting in a patch of white fluff was a fishing pole charm and a note that simply said:

  With tears in my eyes, I stare at the bracelet as the lost memory runs its course through my mind. Then realization sets in.

  I think I know now why Blake Morgan hates me so much. About a week after he left me that charm, Derek Meyer walked into both of our lives and all of this was completely forgotten….

  Forgotten until this very moment.

  Climbing into bed, I can’t help but think about my relationship with Blake. We were extremely close growing up. I do remember that. Harlow’s words run over and over in my mind.

  “Do you remember how much he cared about you back then? Even as young as we were, he would’ve done anything for you.”

  Freakin’ Harlow.

  I totally blame this lack of sleep on the exhausting five hour lecture I just received. And I will be blaming her tomorrow when I am a raging bitch at work. Perfect payback for tonight’s torture session.

  “Do you remember how much he cared about you back then?”

  Her words keep bouncing around in my head.

  I begin to think back to that last summer with Blake before Derek entered the picture. While remembering that sweet peck on the cheek, I notice my cheeks, even now, start to warm. I think about the sweet gesture of the charm and a smile breaks across my face.

  What the hell am I doing? I can’t be thinking like this.

  Aggravated with myself, I roll over and shut my eyes. I don’t have this luxury. And I won’t pretend that I do.

  But boy…it sure would be nice, I think to myself as I finally fall asleep.

  “Ma’am, this is Officer Sanchez from the Round Rock Police Department. Are you the wife of a Mr. Derek Meyer?”

  “Yes I am. Who is this?”

  “Mrs. Meyer…I’m afraid there’s been an accident.”

  “An accident? What kind of accident?” Harlow places her coffee mug down on her desk and walks into my office. She gently shuts the door behind her, her widened eyes meeting mine.

  “Ma’am, we’re gonna need you to come to Round Rock Medical Center. Your husband has been involved in a pretty severe vehicular accident and was airlifted to the hospital this morning. Ma’am, if you could find someone to drive you, I suggest you get here as soon as you can. We can call the Waco P.D. and see if we can get an officer to bring you if you’d like. But we’ll need you to get on the road as soon as possible.”

  I begin gasping for air, but it doesn’t work. I can’t breathe. I start to fan my face to try to get some air in my lungs. I still can’t breathe. This isn’t happening. I look at Harlow as a river of tears begins to flow down my cheeks. I attempt to speak to Officer Sanchez.

  “No,” I say as I take in a much needed breath. “I have someone who can bring me. We’re on our way.”

  Harlow, keys already in hand, grabs the phone from me and hangs it up. “What happened, Alex? Is it Derek? Is he okay? Where is he?”

  “Harlow, Derek was airlifted to Round Rock Medical Center this morning. He was in a car accident.” Every part of my body is shaking now. I can’t feel anything but my own heart beat, pulsating in my head. My hands are balled into fists by my side, and I feel my nails start to slice through the palms of my hands.

  Then it starts to actually sink in.

  “We have to hurry, Harlow. Please, we need to go,” I say rushing toward the door. “I need to see him.”

  She follows me to the door and stops. “We’ll make it, honey. Try to calm down. We don’t know anything yet.” She takes in a long breath through her nose and exhales. I’m not sure if the breathing is more for me or for her. “Listen, I know it’s hard, but you need to focus on being strong. It isn’t going to help him any to see you like this. So you have about an hour to compose yourself.”

  She places her hands on my shoulders. “I’m right here. I’ll be right beside you the entire time. So take a breath, unclench your fists because I think you’re bleeding…seriously…and let’s go,” she says with a weak smile. She opens the door and then wraps her arms around my shoulders. “Everything will be okay.”
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  I squeeze her tightly in response. “God Harlow, I hope so. I can’t imagine my life or the girls’ lives without Derek. He’s everything to us, Harlow. He’s all we know.”

  “I know, Alex. Try to stay positive. And try to remember to breathe.” She pauses to give me another quick squeeze.

  “Now, let’s get you to Derek, sweetie. Chin up.” Harlow removes her arms from around me and puts her hand under my chin forcing me to look at her. She peers into my eyes.

  “You can do this, Alex.” I look at her determined face and I know she’s right. I let out a sigh blowing the hair out of my face. “Okay, we can do this. Let’s get going.”

  As we start out the door, I grab Harlow’s hand. “He’ll be okay, Harlow. Right?”

  Smiling a little more confidently and giving my hand a quick squeeze back, she simply replies, “Positive thoughts only my friend.”

  The ride to Round Rock is a pretty silent one; I think we’re both lost in thought. I can’t help but worry about what I’ll see when I get to the hospital, but I try to push all the negative thoughts out of my mind.

  He’s going to be fine. He’ll be fine.

  I wring my hands over and over in my lap.

  Harlow reaches over and places her hand over mine. “Calm down. We’re almost there.”

  “I know, Harlow. It’s just hard. I’m trying,” I say, letting out a little sob. There’s a lump in my throat the size of a softball. I raise my arm to wipe my face with my sleeve.

  I’m trying...

  I look out the window. I watch the traffic go by and find myself thinking about Derek. His smile, his humor, his arms holding me tight. He’s all I want, all I need right now. His arms around me. The safety I feel when he’s near me. I want to hear his laughter, to feel his kisses on my face. I want nothing more than to walk into that room and hold him tight. A slight breath of relief escapes me as I imagine crawling into the hospital bed with him, his arms wrapping around me, taking all my fears away.