Running on Empty

by L. B. Simmons

  I stand up and use my body to block his path. He finally stops pacing.

  “What is wrong with you? What’s going on? Why are you so upset?”

  “It’s just I...Alex...”

  I put my palm flat on his chest. I feel his heart beating rapidly. “Blake, I’m fine. I promise. What’s going on with you?”

  He looks away and I move my face into the path of his gaze. “Blake. What is it?”

  “I should have been here,” he says through his teeth.

  I hold his stare. “What? You should have been where?”

  “I should have been here, with you,” he says emphatically, pointing towards the floor. “I should have been here, Alex. To help you. To make sure you were okay. To protect you. But I wasn’t. And you were here, all by yourself. Handling it all by yourself. Dealing all by yourself. All because I couldn’t come back here. Because I was scared to come back; scared I couldn’t face what was waiting for me here. Scared, Alex,” he says a little louder, but catches it and lowers his voice. “Scared. While you were dealing with this shit, I was hiding in Colorado. Jesus, that kills me.”

  I move my other hand up to his chest. It’s throbbing almost in time with the rapid beating of his heart. “Blake, that’s ridiculous. There’s nothing you could’ve done. I had Harlow and Nancy. And I made it through, eventually. It just took a while. I’m okay now.”

  I reach up and put my hand on his face. I pull it towards mine until our eyes meet. “Look at me, Blake. I. Am. Fine. And with the way that I treated you...you had no reason to come back here to help me with anything. I don’t blame you, so stop blaming yourself.”

  “That’s not an excuse, Alex. I told you that I would always be there for you, even when you didn’t want me to be, but I wasn’t. Not when you really needed me. I can’t imagine what you went through. But to hear that you were in so much pain, so sad… to think I wasn’t here to help you through that, to hold your hand, to protect you. I just…”

  I turn my hand over and stroke his cheek. He puts his head down and I force him to look at me again.

  “Shh, Blake. That’s enough. I don’t want to hear any of that right now. Derek’s death was tragic. It was heartbreaking. It was too much for me some days. But you listen to me. There is nothing you could have done if you were here that would have protected me from that pain. You need to know that. You need to believe that. I refuse to listen to you tear yourself up over something you had no control over. It happened. It’s over. I’m fine. End of story.”

  He says nothing more. He just grabs my wrist and pulls my body into his, being careful not to hurt my hand. He rests his cheek on top of mine and whispers solemnly into my ear, “Never again, Alex. Never. Again.”

  He leaves his cheek against mine and I feel his breath in my ear. He wraps his big arms around me and we stay like that for some time. The warmth from the closeness of our bodies and the heat of his breath in my ear cause my heart rate to triple. Yet, with my heart beating a million miles a minute, I feel a strange calm. I want to let go of everything. I want to sink my body into his and let him be strong for me. I want to let him take my pain, my sadness, my exhaustion…everything that keeps me from being truly happy. I want his arms to stay around me… his warmth and protection. But as a familiar lump forms in my throat, I know this will never happen.

  I can’t allow it.

  I won’t allow it.

  Blake is more right than he could possibly know.

  Never. Again.

  It’s around midnight when I finally get around to taking those damn pills. Blake and I have a minor “disagreement” regarding me taking them this late at night. Obviously, I don’t want to take them so I’ll be able to get up with the girls in the morning, but Blake won’t hear it. So here I am, at midnight, in the kitchen, glaring at the prescription bottle...again. I absolutely hate having to use these pills to help me sleep. But the truth of the matter is, the pain in my hand is getting worse and I really doubt I will get an ounce of sleep without some major pain relief. I let Blake think he won his stupid little argument, but I take comfort in knowing the decision was all mine.

  That doesn’t mean I have to like it.

  After eating the last couple of pieces of a loaf of bread, I chug some water along with two of the pain pills the doctor prescribed. Putting my glass in the dishwasher, I hear Blake enter the kitchen. “How ya holding up there, champ?” he asks, grabbing the wadded up bread bag off the counter and putting it in the trashcan.

  “I’m good. Just took my pills, so I’m sure I’ll be feeling even better soon. I’m exhausted,” I say, attempting to cover my yawn.

  He smiles at me. “Yeah, me too. Let’s get you to bed.” He puts his arm around me and gives me a quick squeeze before releasing me. “You need to get some rest; it’s been a long day.”

  “Yeah, it has,” I say, walking out of the kitchen. I head to the girls rooms for one last peek to make sure everything is okay. I can’t help but smile as I look at them, all piled on Nycole’s bed, sleeping peacefully.

  “Do you think we need to move them?”

  I turn back to find Blake standing directly behind me. I shake my head. “No, they’re fine. If they get up, then they get up. I’ll deal with it.”

  “No, you won’t. I will. You rest. I’ve got everything covered,” he states quickly. “Otherwise, what’s the point of me being here?”

  I make sure to exaggerate my groan so he can note my strong objection to having him help me in the middle of the night. “Okay Blake, fine, but promise you’ll wake me if you have any problems with them. Kyndall sometimes has nightmares and usually needs me to get into bed with her. Please come get me if that happens.”

  “Alex, I have experience with kids you know. It’ll be fine, I promise. But I also promise that if I feel like they need you personally, then I’ll come get you. You have my word.” And as I look at his unwavering eyes, I know he will.

  I nod my head. “Okay. Let me go get changed and I’ll bring you some blankets and pillows for the couch. I’m sorry…” He stops me immediately.

  “Alex, it’s fine. It’s better for me to be out there anyway. That way I can hear if they need something. Don’t worry about me sleeping on the couch. Go get your pajamas on, bring me the pillow and blankets, and we’ll watch some TV before you go to bed.” I nod my head again as I try to cover another yawn. I am so tired right now, words just seem like unnecessary energy expenditure.

  I walk to my bedroom, grab my flannel PJ bottoms and one of Derek’s old “wife beater” tanks, and throw them on. I pull my hair back in a headband, no ponytails for a while obviously, wash my face, one handed of course, and brush my teeth, that was an interesting adventure. Then I head to the closet and grab extra sheets and pillows for Blake. I head out to the living room where he’s sitting on the couch, fully dressed, flipping through the channels.

  “Blake,” I say, throwing down the sleeping essentials for him on the couch, “let me get you something to sleep in. I’m sure I have some of Derek’s old stuff you could use.”

  “No, Alex, it’s okay…I wouldn’t want to–”

  “Shut up, Blake. It’s fine. They’re just sitting there. There’s no reason for you to sleep in your clothes.” I take note of how good he still actually looks. Must be nice to have had a shit day, but still look freakin’ awesome.

  “Well,” he hesitates. “Are you sure you don’t mind?”

  “If it was anyone else but you. But it is you, so no, I don’t mind.” I turn and walk back into the bedroom. I approach the drawer that contains Derek’s old sleepwear. I grab an undershirt and some pajama bottoms. While holding his clothes, I gently place my hand on them and take in a deep breath. I’m surprised that the knowledge of handing it over to Blake doesn’t bother me. I’m surprisingly okay with it. I let out the breath, carry the clothes into the living room, and place them on his lap. Taking them from me, he stands up and lingers for a minute, but eventually makes his way to the girls’ bathroom.
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  When Blake emerges, I take in a deep breath through my nose, hold it my lungs and brace myself against the couch. I know it is my imagination, but for a split second, I swear it’s Derek walking out of the bathroom. An electrical shock whizzes through my entire body, and by the time my brain grasps the fact that it is just Blake, my heart is already nearly beating out of my chest.

  Blake watches me for a second, as though trying to make sure I’m okay. I give him a weak smile. “Sorry, it just took me a little by surprise.”

  “Alex, if it bothers you, I can–”

  “No, Blake. It’s okay, really. It was just a bit of a shock. It’s fine, I promise. If I wasn’t comfortable I would let you know,” I say, attempting to persuade both of us. I’ve opened up so much to him tonight; I’m not going to let something as small as seeing him in Derek’s clothes ruin how far we’ve come this evening. I shared things with him that I haven’t even shared with Harlow. This friendship is important. I trust him, and he needs to know that. Even though I’m still a little freaked out, I smile and add, “Let’s see what’s on TV before these pills take me to never-never land.”

  We both plop down on the couch. He sits at the other end, obviously trying to give me space if I need it. So to let him know I’m okay, I turn so I can put my feet in his lap and lay back on the throw pillow behind me. Putting my hurt hand above my head as I lay there, I grab the remote and start flipping through the channels.

  We ultimately end up on The Breakfast Club, laughing at the coincidence because we lived and breathed this movie growing up. As we watch it now, in my living room sitting side by side, I feel like I’m twelve years old again. We laugh with each other as we quote our favorite lines from the movie out loud.

  We’re right in the middle of the scene where Jon Bender is re-enacting the life at ‘Big Bri’s’ house. As soon as fishing and doing homework on the boat are mentioned, I turn to Blake, excitement flooding my features.

  “Oh my god! Blake! That totally reminds me! I was going through some things the other day and I found something very interesting!” I bolt up excitedly to fetch my recently found treasure. Unfortunately, as soon as my feet hit the ground, the room starts spinning around a full 360° and I fall back to the couch. Okay, the pain pills are definitely working, which makes sense seeing as though I just jumped up without feeling any pain in my hand at all.

  Blake is immediately in front of me. “Alex, we can just do it later. Seriously, you can’t even stand up right now,” he says with concern in his eyes.

  Annoyed, I start to push myself off the couch but I’m unable to find my balance. I fall back onto the couch. Blake lets out a laugh.

  “Why don’t you just tell me what it is and you can show me tomorrow, when you’re not under narcotic influence.”

  “Ha-ha, Blake,” I say sarcastically. “You’re the one who made me take the damn things, so you lose all right to make fun of me.” I think I’m starting to feel a little drunk. I sigh loudly and notice my face feels numb. I rub it with my hand and pull my lip out. I’m not surprised when I don’t feel a thing.

  With a chuckle, Blake grabs me under my knees and arms and whips me against his chest. I’m completely off the ground. I look down and start giggling.

  “So thisiswhatitfeelslike,” I start to slur.

  Still chuckling, Blake asks, “What what feels like?”

  I roll my eyes because all of a sudden, I’m super annoyed he doesn’t understand what I’m saying. “Hello! To be this tall…you’re a freakin’ giant!” I laugh to myself because I have just become the most hilarious person in the world.

  Blake looks at me, his eyes full of amusement. While he’s staring, I allow myself to gaze into them. My face is dangerously close to his, so close I can feel the heat from his skin. I peer into his beautiful green eyes, feeling strangely sober all of a sudden. I inhale a quick breath. “Yeah, things definitely look a lot different from up here.”

  I begin to feel the room starting to spin again so I stick my head into his neck and breathe in his scent. Leather and soap. “Mmm,” I let out as I smile to myself. I feel so peaceful.

  It’s so nice, that I almost protest when he lets go of my body to lay me down on my bed. Sadly, I’m too tired to put up the necessary fight. So I lay there as he fluffs the pillow behind my head and pulls the covers up to my neck. I put my arms over the covers and smile a drunken smile.

  “Blake, I’m so glad you’re here. You make my life…happy…” I say as I begin to feel the heaviness of my lids. Jeez – when did my eyelids become one hundred pound dumbbells?

  “Thank…you…” is all I can manage to get out before sleep finds me. And for the first time in years, I don’t dream about Derek’s death or sadness or darkness. I dream about lakes and fishing and warmth from the sun with a beautiful boy in front of me. I can’t see his face. All my eyes can gather is how the sun just barely peeks though the strands of his light brown hair. The vision soothes my soul. And as I continue to sleep, I find my heart completely enveloped by a warm ray of peace and tranquility… providing a brief solace from the pain and emptiness I’m so used to greeting me every night.

  Waking the next morning, I extend my arms above my head and stretch the entire length of my body, all the way to my toes. The warmth of the sun hitting my face reminds me of my peaceful slumber. My heart feels full of joy. So much so, that I’m pretty sure this goofy grin is stuck on my face for a while. Well, I hope it is anyway.

  I let out a content sigh and smile as I bring my arms back over my head. I catch sight of my hand as it passes in front of my face. I'm pretty sure these throbbing fingers were not part of my peaceful slumber, but I continue smiling because it seems that not even that can bring me down right now. I sniff the air and my stomach rumbles as I notice the distinct smell of bacon in my house.

  What are they up to?

  I swing my legs over the edge of my bed and give myself one last stretch before I stand. I reach over to grab my pink fluffy robe and throw it on over my P.J.’s. Making a quick stop by the bathroom, I wash my face (again, one handed), brush my teeth, and attempt to tame my hair. I’m really missing my pony tail look right now, because this look is not at all flattering.

  Once I’m done, I walk through the living room and as I approach the kitchen, I begin to notice murmuring. I hear the rumble of Blake’s low voice and the unmistakable giggles of my girls.

  Coming up on the kitchen, I tiptoe as to not disturb whatever they’re doing. I’m barely able to poke my head through the doorway when my breath catches in my throat at the sight before me. Riley’s sitting on the counter in her red and white polka dotted Minnie Mouse night gown, grinning up at Blake as he stands next to her. He’s holding a spatula and watching whatever is sizzling in the skillet. If I wasn’t completely speechless right now, I probably would be making a big deal about how close my baby is to that skillet.

  My eyes graze over to where I see Nycole and Kyndall, still in their matching Super Mario Bros nightgowns, munching on some chocolate chips while adding the rest to a bowl of batter. Lucky for them I’m still rendered speechless…

  I watch Nycole grab the wooden spoon from the counter and stir while Kyndall continues to pour more chocolate chips into the bowl. They mischievously look at each other and grin, and I find myself wondering how many chocolate chips they’ve actually got in there. My eyes move back over to Blake, still in Derek’s pajama pants and shirt. Bare feet on my floor in front of the stove. His hair is in its usual sexy morning routine as it flips out everywhere on his head and neck.

  Jeez, this guy seriously makes me ill. He looks completely sexy. I reach my hand up to once again try to smooth out my hair. Jerk.

  Mid eye roll I hear, “Mommy! You ruined the surprise! You’re fired! I’m gonna put you in time out!” Rylie yells to me from across the room while shaking her finger at me. She looks at me over Blake’s shoulder. Blake turns to see me standing in the doorway. He gives me a wide sexy smile as he shrugs his shoulders. “D
id we wake you? Sorry – the girls wanted to make you breakfast. Something super-chocolaty they said,” he says as he looks at Nycole and Kyndall and winks. They both give him a sweet innocent smile and then turn to me. All I get is the evil eye. I widen my eyes at them and hold my hands up in surrender.

  “What? Don’t be mad at me. Bacon always wakes me up, you know that! How can anyone sleep through bacon?” I attempt to look at Blake innocently. I even throw in the eyelash bat. “Can you sleep through bacon?”

  He gives me a beautiful wide toothy grin in response. “I can sleep through just about anything. Well, almost anything. I definitely could not sleep though three little girls tackling me this morning while I slept peacefully on the couch. They’re ruthless. Really, Alex. You should be proud. No bad dreams last night though, just in case you were wondering.”

  I look at each of my girls proudly smiling back at me and I can’t help but belt out a laugh. “Good girls. I am proud actually. And Kyndall, I’m glad you had a good night’s sleep too, just like me. I guess we all had some good sleep, huh?”

  “Yeah!” they all exclaim in unison.

  “Yeah!” I say back while pumping my fist into the air and walking into the kitchen. Blake turns around to flip what I can now see is bacon in the skillet. My stomach growls when I walk past him to get a coffee mug and the ibuprofen out of the cabinet.

  “Hungry?” He stays focused on the bacon, but I know he’s laughing at my expense.

  “Um, yeah,” I say, grabbing my stomach as it continues to grumble. “I can’t help it, Blake. It’s the bacon. I’m telling you!”

  “Well, let’s get some food in her tummy, huh girls? I think she woke up the neighbors with that growl!” He looks at me out of the corner of his eye and winks.

  What? Do I look like a naïve little girl? Winks don’t work on me. I walk by and punch him, with my good hand obviously, as hard as I can in the arm. “Shut it, Blake.”