Running on Empty

by L. B. Simmons

  “Harlow! Focus!” I shout at her. I have watched her do this before; I could literally be sitting here for days watching her go back and forth with herself.

  “Oops! Sorry. Anyway…Yes, I should’ve told you. Honestly, I didn’t know there was anything going on. I asked him here to help you as a friend. That’s all. I was worried about you and nothing I was doing was helping. So I figured maybe there was something he could do since you two were so close, for so many years. I never really expected anything to happen romantically. I just said all that stuff early on to aggravate you. Because I happen to find it very entertaining…as if you didn’t already know that. I had no idea either one of you had actual feelings. Hence my slightly overdramatic reaction to all of this at Rylie’s party.” She pauses to straighten her skirt.

  Her voice softens. “That being said…Trace told me he left. Went back to Colorado.” She looks up to eye me closely.

  “What?” I clear my throat to try to prevent the Mack Truck from lodging in my throat. I wasn’t expecting that. I mean, it’s so permanent.

  “Yeah. Trace said he left the day after the party.” She continues to watch my reaction. I feel moisture starting to gather in my eyes. I have no idea why I’m reacting this way. I know it’s over. Maybe I just wasn’t expecting him to completely pick up and leave.

  I shrug my shoulders. “Well, I hope he made it back safely.” I move on to organizing the files on my desk.

  “Does that bother you? That he left? Without telling you?” Harlow takes her shoes off and slides both feet up into the chair underneath her bottom, something she does when she is settling in for a long conversation…or a lecture. I would rather the former.

  “No…I mean, yeah,” I sigh loudly and smack my forehead in frustration. “I don’t know. Does it matter?” I open my file drawer to deposit the now alphabetized files.

  “I think it does, yes.” She shifts a little in her chair. “Do you care about him? Really care about him?”

  “I don’t know. I thought I did. But, he lied to me Harlow. How can I ever trust anything that he says after that?” I close the drawer and slide back in my chair. I watch her twirling the ends of her hair around her finger.

  “Alex. You two have a long history together. He knows you. Even better than I do, which is saying something considering you hadn’t spoken to him in years before recent events. He knew what your reaction would be to him showing up here to check on you. He also knew he would have absolutely no chance of any type of relationship with you if he stormed in here expecting to carry you away on a white horse. I really don’t see that he had any other choice.” She hesitates, but continues.

  “Look. He said some things to me that will put him on my shit list for a while, but I have to be honest with you. I don’t really think he lied to you in order to deceive you. I think he did it to protect you…from yourself. Alex, the man loves you. There’s no doubt about it. And whether or not you choose to admit it to yourself, you love him. I see that now.” I open my mouth to speak but she holds her finger up in the air, signaling for me to shut it.

  “But since we’re playing the ‘Lying is Unacceptable’ game, why don’t we both just admit that this has absolutely nothing to do with the lies themselves. I’ve had time to think about this. And I’m not going to let you do this to yourself. I love you too much, so you’re going to listen to what I have to say.” She moves her feet back to the ground and repositions herself in the chair. I can feel the lecture coming but I have no words to distract her after she called my bluff with her made up lying game. Damn it.

  “You know, deep down, you pushed that man away before he even had a chance. You pounced on the first opportunity you had to do it. And you did it successfully. Congratulations. Now you’re miserable. Are we seeing a correlation here?” I really need to come up with some words…any second now…

  “I’ve watched you spiral downward from being the happiest I have seen you in years to absolutely heart-broken. The light in your eyes is gone. I haven’t seen you smile in weeks. I know you’re sad, Alex, but you don’t have to be. You’re not proving anything to anyone by doing this to yourself, yet you still do it. Is this about Derek? Do you think this is the life Derek wants for you? Do you think he would prefer to see you sad than to see you happy? I don’t.”

  Memories from the day at the park race through my mind. “You’re right, Harlow. I’ve had time to think about what I did to Blake, and you’re absolutely right. And you’re also right about Derek. He wouldn’t want this for me. I know he wouldn’t. Like, I know he wouldn’t.” I’m pretty sure that if I tell her about Derek the butterfly, Harlow will have me committed.

  “But that doesn’t make it easier to take that leap of faith. I know I pushed Blake away, but, the thought of losing him, like I lost Derek…I can’t go through that again. Just the thought...” My eyes start to well up with tears. “Harlow, it’s too much. I guess I would rather push him away and lose him now, when I’m in control, than later, when I’m not. I’m scared, Harlow.”

  Harlow gives me a sympathetic smile as she delivers a bag of salt to my already exposed wound.

  “It’s okay to be scared, Alex. There’s nothing wrong with that. I was scared to take that jump too. But, someone I love very much once told me something that changed my life. She said, ‘You’ll never have your happy ending unless you’re brave enough to open the book and start your story.’”

  She pauses for dramatic effect.

  “Are you brave enough to start your new story, Alex?” She raises her eyebrows in question.

  I continue to hold her stare until I drop my eyes to glance at the drawer containing the note from Blake. When I still say nothing, she continues to use my silence to her advantage and drives her point home.

  “That’s what I thought.” She slaps her hands down on her thighs and sighs loudly. “Well girl…you better put your big girl panties on. Because your book is in Colorado.”

  Jeez – I really hate when Harlow’s right.

  With no appointments scheduled for the rest of the day, Harlow and I decide to close shop and begin to work on the master plan to get Blake back. I have a feeling getting Blake to forgive me won’t be as easy this time around. Let’s just hope he hasn’t “moved on” in the last three weeks.

  Our first stop is her apartment. After a half hour of both of us searching, we find Blake’s address that she wrote down on what has to be the smallest piece of paper in the world.

  “See, I told you it was in the drawer. You just didn’t look hard enough.”

  “Harlow. Seriously. How do you expect to find anything in here?” I look down at the ‘junk drawer’ that she keeps. It’s ridiculous. Batteries, electrical tape, pens, phone chargers from 3 phones ago, screwdriver, and of course multiple Pez dispensers. Why not? I really need to get Nycole over here to help her organize it. There’s no telling what hazards are hidden in that drawer. It’s a freakin’ deathtrap.

  “It’s a junk drawer. That’s its purpose. Come on, let’s get going. We need to devise a plan.” She throws in an evil laugh and I roll my eyes at her. I’m glad my current situation is providing my best friend with the utmost of entertainment.

  On our way, we throw some ideas around before we land on something that actually shows a little promise. After fine tuning the main points of ‘Operation: Major Damage Control’, we decide we’re definitely going to need the girls’ help. I call Nancy, letting her know that we’ll be picking them up from school today and we race to get them.

  The girls make a mad dash to the car when they see Harlow hanging out the window waving.

  “What’s up, my beauties?” Harlow yells as she opens the door and hops out of the car while it’s still moving.

  “Harlow! We missed you!” They run straight to her. Lots of hugs and kisses are exchanged. You would think the woman had been gone for years the way they were acting.

  Once everyone is loaded and all the seatbelts are buckled – including Harlow who always trie
s to get out of it, we turn the music up in the car and jam out to the radio. Singing songs that might be deemed somewhat inappropriate for younger ears, we all laugh and scream the words as loud as we can in the car.

  Finally, we make the turn into the parking lot of Rylie’s day care to pick her up.

  “Aww! Do we have to get her? Can’t she just stay at school?” I watch both of them roll their eyes and let out very dramatic sighs. “You know, she is your baby sister. You should be nicer to her. She loves you so much.”

  Nycole looks at me in the rearview mirror, not pleased. “I know mom, but she only wants to play with what we play with and then whines until she gets her way and we have to give it to her.”

  I look at Harlow in the passenger seat. “You do realize that’s completely our fault, right?” I mutter under my breath. She laughs quietly and starts to open the door as I put the car in park. “Yeah, but she’s the baby. Isn’t that like a rite of passage or something?”

  I nod my head. “Exactly. Yes, let’s go with that.” She laughs out loud and exits the car. I let Harlow go in to get her by herself. I figure it would be a nice surprise for Rylie. Plus, I need the time to discuss things with the older two.

  I lower the volume on the radio and turn to face Nycole and Kyndall sitting in their seats. “Girls, we need to talk for a second.”

  They both look up at me with huge eyes. I know those looks all too well. “No, it’s fine. You aren’t in trouble.” Although now I’m wondering why they automatically assume they were in trouble.

  “Listen, I’m sure both of you have noticed that Blake hasn’t been around in a while?”

  Kyndall raises her hand to speak. My sweet girl. “Yes, Kyndall?” I give Nycole a smirk before turning my attention to her sister.

  “Is he coming back, Mama?” I can see hope in her beautiful eyes.

  “Well Kyndall, I don’t know. I really hope so. But, that’s why Harlow and I picked you up today. We have an idea that we need you to help us with.”

  “To get Blake back?” Nycole asks sarcastically. “Like that’s going to happen. I’m sure you chased him away for good.” She turns her head and puts it against the window, watching people pass by.

  “Nycole.” She doesn’t move a muscle. “Nycole!” She continues zoning out. I soften my voice, trying a different tactic. “Nycole. Please look at me, baby.”

  She glares in my direction. I feel like crawling over the seat to strangle her…but I don’t…obviously. “Nycole. I know you’re upset. Listen to me,” I say as she starts to look away. “Nycole.” I stay quiet until she turns in my direction. For once, so does Kyndall.

  “Listen baby, Blake and I are adults and sometimes adults have bigger problems than you can understand right now. Blake and I have been friends for a long time. Friends sometimes get into fights, just like you do with your sisters. Sometimes things are said that you don’t mean and when that happens, you have to apologize and make it right, just like with your sisters. Regardless if Blake accepts my apology or not, I need to tell him I’m sorry because it’s the right thing to do. It’s just a little more difficult when you’re adults, that’s all.” I watch her to see if anything I just said absorbs into that thick head of hers.

  I don’t think it does. Why would it? She’s had the lecture a million times and still hasn’t grasped the concept of a true apology.

  She looks me dead in the eyes. “I just don’t see why it has to be so difficult. It’s not a big secret, even though you think we don’t know. It’s simple. You love him. He loves you. What’s difficult about that? Just fix it and move on. Isn’t that what people do when they love each other? Like with my sisters?”

  The honesty and simplicity of her statement knock the breath out of me. I have to inhale deeply before I can continue.

  “Well, that’s what I’m trying to do. To fix it. Which is why I need your help. And that, my dear, is the mission for today…if you choose to accept it.” I watch a slight smile appear on her face.

  “I accept it, Mama!” Kyndall claps her hands in excitement. I shoot her a huge grin. I fix my eyes back on Nycole.

  I soften my tone. “I really need your expertise on my mission. Would you like to help me?” After a few deciding seconds, she accepts with a gentle dip of her head.

  “Okay,” I answer her turning around just in time to see Harlow exiting the doors with Rylie on her back. Nycole’s words are still buzzing in my head. “Then let ‘Operation: Alex Was an Idiot’ commence,” I mutter to myself.

  I hear a soft snicker from behind me. I look at Nycole in the mirror. She gives me the thumbs up sign. I smile back at her, but honestly, I’m not sure if she is telling me I’m an idiot or simply saying she’s on board.

  Harlow opens the door, places Rylie in her seat in the far back – since girls called “seat check” on the captain’s seats, and sits down beside her after finally buckling her in. Going through her art folder, they both giggle at her work.

  “That is not a cow, Rylie!” Harlow laughs. “That looks like a pancake with mold on it!”

  “Yes it is, Hah-low! I’m not playing with you anymore. You cheat!” I can tell Rylie isn’t really mad because she’s smiling as she turns her face opposite Harlow’s.

  “Okay – You’re right Rylie, it’s a cow.” She looks at Kyndall who’s been watching their exchange and slowly shakes her head, indicating otherwise. Kyndall puts her hand over her mouth and turns back towards the window.

  Rylie holds the picture in front of Harlow’s face. “You know what this is Hah-low?”

  “A cow?”

  Rylie giggles. “No silly, it’s a pancake with mold!”

  “You’re impossible!” Harlow tickles Rylie in the tummy. “It’s a good thing you’re so darn cute or I would throw you out the window!”

  “Haaaah-low…no you wouldn’t.”

  With everyone laughing, I shift the car into drive. I find myself tuning them out as I think about Blake leaving. I know he had every right to leave. He waited so long to be honest with me about his feelings, and the first chance I had, I said things I honestly didn’t even believe, just to push him away. He told me once how he respected my strength, but in that moment, I was nothing but a coward. I wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t forgive me. But… I have to try. I have to know that I did everything I could to get him back. And, just like he did with me, I’ll lay it all out there for him to make the decision.

  It seems the tables have officially been turned.

  Using her voucher, Harlow books the red eye from Dallas/Fort Worth International to Denver International Airport, which doesn’t leave us a whole lot of time since Dallas is only about an hour and a half from Waco. Denver is the best option because Blake lives in Aurora, which is only twenty minutes away. I plan on taking a cab to his house, and I pray things go well…because that’s about as far as I’ve planned in advance. With my knack of thinking things to death, I figure it’s better to leave this one to chance. I can always spend the night in the airport if I need to. The key will be finding a cab that late at night.

  Ahhh… Stop thinking Alex!

  While Nycole is putting the final touches on our plan, I throw some extra clothes in a bag. I pack the essentials…toothbrush. Yep, that’s it. I throw a little makeup on so I don’t look like the walking dead when I make my psychotic stalker grand entrance at his house around midnight.

  What if he has someone there? Taking a seat on the bed, I suddenly feel like I’m going to throw up beef and broccoli all over my comforter. Oh.My.God. What if he does?

  “Stop thinking, Alex.” Harlow whips into the room, grabs my bag off the floor, and chunks it in my lap. Not helping with the nausea. “You need to go, you’re barely gonna make it as is. You have almost a two hour drive and check in. Get off your ass and in your truck now!”

  “Harlow – what if he has someone there…you know...like there, there.” The nausea is slowly creeping into my throat.

  “Stop it! Not going to happen. He lov
es you, Alex. Stop trying to talk yourself out of it. Check in with Nycole, make sure it’s done, and get going. You’re going to miss your chance…and I’m gonna be pissed if I lose my voucher because of this. It isn’t often that I find myself being charitable…don’t make me regret it! Now go!”

  She is kind of starting to scare me with her yelling, so I snatch the bag and throw it over my shoulder. “Alright! I’m going!”

  I walk into the living room and Nycole shows me the finished product. I clasp my hands together, “Nycole, it’s perfect!” I place it in my bag and give her a hug. “I love you, Nycole. I couldn’t have done this without you. But remember, if it doesn’t go well, this is about doing the right thing. Not about bringing him back, okay?”

  She unwraps her arms from my around my neck and puts her hands on her hips. “It’s going to be fine, mom. Like I said, he loves you and you love him. Everything will be fine. And if not, it wasn’t meant to be.” Jeez – this kid and her infinite wisdom. She totally gets it from me.

  I give her a quick kiss on the forehead. “Thank you. I love you, baby.”

  “Love you too, Mom. You better get going or Harlow is really going to start yelling. Or have a heart attack.” I can’t help but laugh. She’s completely right.

  “Kyndall! Rylie! Mommy’s leaving and I need some hugs!”

  I hear a bedroom door slam then their loud footsteps as they run down the hall. I watch Rylie’s eyes light up with excitement as she enters the room.

  “Do you think he’ll like his present, Mommy?” I bend down and scoop her into my arms. “Of course he will baby. You helped make it. He’ll love it!”

  She gives me a big grin and all I can see are the divots in her cheeks where her dimples are. I push her curly hair away from her face. Strands of it stick to her mouth from the ice cream she ate earlier. Licking my thumb, I wipe the remainder of the chocolate off her face. “I love you, you messy little thing!”