Heroine Worship

by Sarah Kuhn

  “But . . . but . . . things get so confused when Clark is an equal part of the story. You always wonder, which one is real?”

  “They both are. They can’t exist without each other.”

  I couldn’t help but flash back to my exchange with Scott the night before.

  Even Annie Chang had her Aveda Jupiter moments back in the day.

  Of course she did. They’re the same person.

  I lived my life by rules I’d made for myself, by denying myself things my Annie Chang side craved—love, pleasure, carbs—so Aveda Jupiter could be as kickass as possible. Except . . . that wasn’t working, was it?

  Maybe Evie was right. I just didn’t know how to let both sides of my personality have free reign without clashing and turning everything into a total wreck . . .

  “Oh, god,” I said, pulling away from her and putting my head in my hands. “I thought I knew what I was supposed to be. Who I’m supposed to be. Even when I haven’t been sure of anything else, I’ve been sure of that. And now I have no idea. I’m such a fucking mess.”

  Evie gave a gentle laugh. “Remember when I said that exact same thing to you, about me being a mess? I think part of being the best superheroines we can be involves embracing that messiness. Realizing there’s nothing wrong with us if we don’t have every single thing figured out. Letting our big, messy pile of emotions make us stronger. Celebrating when we do well and admitting when we fuck up. And on that note,” she reached over and took my hand again, “I’m sorry, too.”

  My head jerked up. “For what?”

  “What happened last night wasn’t all your fault. And even if it was partially your fault, I totally overreacted.”

  “What do you mean?” I could not fathom how last night could be more my fault.

  “I haven’t always told you what I really wanted when it came to the wedding or everything related to it,” she said. “And even when I have, I just sort of went with it when you bulldozed all over me. Instead of speaking up or confronting you, I was more comfortable avoiding the issue entirely. And other people contributed to the general fucking up, too. Luce brought the bag of sex toys, Scott went along with your pretend engagement and secret demon entrapment scheme, and Bea agreed to test her powers on me because she was excited to experiment.” She gave me a sardonic half-smile. “But somehow, all my ragey feelings still got directed at you. And everyone was perfectly fine going along with that. Well, except Scott. He tried to defend you after you left, but I wasn’t in the mood to listen. It was easier for me—for everyone—to go with the idea that you were being the diva you’d been in the past.”

  She took a deep breath and met my eyes. “I think when we had our big talk after beating Shasta, it fixed some things—but not everything. We acknowledged there were problems, but we didn’t really deal with them in a deeper way. We just kind of slapped a Band-Aid on it and—”

  “—and went back to inhabiting slightly different versions of the roles we’d gotten trapped in,” I finished. I gave her a small smile and repeated something she’d said when I’d dragged her to the Indie Fashion Market. “So many of my problems come from barreling headfirst into things without listening or thinking about the consequences.”

  “And so many of mine come from various flavors of avoidance and denial,” she said, smiling back. “We need to learn how to talk to each other with total honesty. Like, I should have told you outright that as pretty as that red flower dress was, it’s way too fancy and tight and it makes me uncomfortable, and I kind of can’t breathe while I’m wearing it. And also . . .” Her eyes shifted to the side. “I, uh, might have chosen that awful bridesmaid’s dress for you because I was unconsciously trying to get back at you for pushing me into things I didn’t want to do.”

  “What!” I gaped at her. “That is downright diabolical, Evie Tanaka!”

  “I mean, I didn’t do it totally on purpose!” she protested. “I talked myself into it because it was so outrageous, so showy, and those are generally things you like. But deep down, I knew it was pretty hideous. I should have talked to you. I should have told you I need a dress that allows me to eat during my wedding. I really fucking need that, Annie.”

  “And when you say that,” I said, laughing, “I should actually listen and take that into consideration instead of deciding what’s best without consulting you at all.” I let out a long sigh and looked at her affectionately. “I guess sometimes I still see you as that girl in kindergarten. The one who couldn’t stop crying. The one who needed me.”

  “I still need you,” she said firmly.

  “Are you sure?” I’d meant for that to sound light, but it came out choked, almost a sob. I felt tears gathering in my throat again. Well, what the hell? I was supposed to be letting Annie Chang have her say. “Because you’re on the verge of this perfect life, and you deserve that so much, and I guess I’m afraid that you really, really won’t need me. That maybe you never did and you’re finally going to realize that. And the thing is . . .” I swallowed hard. “I still need you. I need you a lot.”

  She squeezed my hand and gave me a sweet, earnest Evie look.

  “I do need you,” she said. “But I don’t need you to save me anymore. I need you to be my friend. My co-heroine.” She smiled. “And we both need to start seeing each other as we are now rather than how we’ve been in the past. I’m not that scared little kid anymore. And you’re not an out-of-control diva who throws tantrums all over her personal assistant when things don’t go her way.”

  I cocked an eyebrow. “You sure about that?”

  “Yes,” she said, giggling. “You’re a badass superheroine who’s embracing her human side and learning how to use her relentless determination and truly awesome assertiveness as a Forceful Bludgeon for Good.”

  “So I’m still a bludgeon?”

  “A bludgeon for good, don’t forget! And I wouldn’t have it any other way. Bludgeons get shit done.”

  We both laughed and I felt that warmth rushing between us, the bond we kept holding on to even though it had nearly cracked in two so many times.

  “So,” Evie said, “after you left last night . . .”

  “The party got like a trillion times better?”

  “Not exactly.” She released my hand as an amused smile played over her lips. “Even though Maisy didn’t appear to have anything to do with the puppy demon, we had to be sure. She agreed to be scanned, tested, the whole nine yards.”

  “And?”

  “She doesn’t seem to be doing anything evil this time,” Evie said with a shrug. “She reiterated over and over that any weirdness on her part was entirely due to nerves about showing off her designs. I believe her exact quote was, ‘I may put on an endlessly fabulous front, but even Maisy Kane has her insecurities!’”

  “I can relate to that a little too much,” I admitted with an eye-roll. “Luckily, I have a new lead for us.” I recapped my exploits at Marcus’s the night before, ending with Scott stuffing the dress in the trap. And leaving out everything that had happened after that. “So hopefully we actually captured something,” I said. “And we should pay Marcus a visit. Maybe he’s the human helping this thing.”

  “Or at the very least, he can tell us why he decided to recreate that dress after claiming the first one was such an abomination,” Evie said, wrinkling her nose. “Let’s get the trap down to the lab. Bea and Nate can run tests on the dress while you and I track down Marcus.”

  “Perfect,” I said. “The trap’s in my room, so I can get it. Um, myself.”

  Her eyebrows quirked up, and I realized I’d phrased that as awkwardly as possible.

  “I mean,” I said hastily, “I’m sure you want to go change or something before we head out, so I can go get it and . . .”

  Evie cocked an eyebrow at me. “I thought we just said we were going to be more honest with each other. What do you have hidden in your
room? More antelope skewers?”

  “N-no. But . . . uh, there’s no reason for both of us to go.”

  “You are the worst liar ever, Annie Chang. And you’re bright freaking red right now.”

  I shrugged, unable to think fast enough to come up with a rejoinder. Yes, I had taken a completely sincere vow of honesty with my best friend. But we’d covered quite a bit of deep, emotional ground and the idea of having to talk about whatever Scott and I were doing on top of that felt like way too much for me to handle right now. Both Aveda Jupiter’s and Annie Chang’s mental circuits were currently totally overloaded, thank you very much.

  Evie shrugged and threw up her hands. “Fine. Keep your weird secret. I’ll go change and then we’ll head out.”

  I relaxed a little, stood, and started for the door . . . just as she leapt out of her seat, shrieked “just kidding!” and blazed past me.

  “Evie, wait!” I yelped.

  But she was already racing out of the kitchen, down the hall, toward my bedroom. Shit. How had she gotten so fast? I was the better athlete by a wide margin. But she had a head start, and I guess all the emotional talk had drained my resources and thrown me off my game. There was no way I was catching up to her.

  She skidded to a stop in front of my bedroom door, threw it open, and there was Scott. In my bed. Half naked. Dead to the world.

  Evie’s jaw dropped just as I managed to catch up to her and shut the bedroom door again.

  “Aren’t you the one who’s always going on about knocking?” I sputtered. “Isn’t that part of the social code or something?”

  “Annie!” she squealed, then clapped a hand over her mouth when I shushed her. “Annie,” she repeated, lowering her voice to an excited whisper. She grasped my shoulders, a giant smile overtaking her face. “It finally happened!”

  I twisted my hands together and stared at the floor. I was pretty sure my face was bright red again. Last night, everything had seemed so clear. I needed Scott to know how I felt, needed to feel him inside me, just in case any rogue puppy demons decided to come along and kill me before I got the chance. Now whatever was between us felt new and fragile, capable of being destroyed if I breathed so much as a word of it.

  Evie shook me a little. “Tell me everything!” she demanded. “Is this a thing that’s been happening? Or was this the first time? Were you guys overcome with passion when you got back to HQ or—”

  “It was the first time,” I said, my voice slightly robotic. I latched on to each question, trying to deliver honest answers and nothing more. “And it happened before we got back. I’d just realized I wasn’t dead, and he was looking at me like he thought I might still die and I was wearing nothing but that bridal lingerie—”

  “Wait a minute!” she hissed. She released my shoulders and gawked at me, her expression somewhere between awe and disbelief. “Are you telling me you guys did it on the floor of a possibly puppy demon–infested bridal salon?”

  “Yes. Though we’d determined the puppy demon was no longer on the premises . . .”

  “And . . . ?” she coaxed, her giant grin returning.

  “And . . . it was fucking fantastic.”

  Her grin stretched even wider.

  “I knew it!” she cried, her voice spiraling into shriek territory again. She enveloped me in a bear hug. “I knew you guys would figure it out. Finally.” Her voice shook a little, like she was trying to hold back tears, and I realized my eyes were wet as well. I hugged her back and allowed myself to just revel in the moment, to live in the giddy possibility of Scott and I figuring out whatever “it” was, living happily ever after, and having more amazing sex on the floors of possibly demon-infested bridal salons. Or other locations would be fine, too, I guess.

  “I don’t know if we’ve figured anything out,” I said. “I don’t know what’s happening. I’m not even sure what to say to him now that it’s . . .” I trailed off, twisting my hands together.

  “Now that it’s the morning after?” Evie said, cocking a knowing eyebrow. “Remember what we just talked about. It’s okay not to have everything figured out. It’s okay if you don’t know how you feel for all time going forward.” Her eyes softened and I knew she was thinking all the mushy romantic thoughts I wasn’t allowing myself to. “But think about what Annie Chang wants to tell him. You can be honest, like you were with me. You can tell him how you feel right now. And that you want to kiss him a bunch more.”

  “We’ve kind of been doing plenty of that already,” I murmured, thinking back to the day in the gym.

  Evie’s eyes widened to the size of dinner plates. “Wait. There’s more you haven’t told me?” She gave me a light punch to the shoulder. “Really, Annie. That’s taking the whole ‘protecting me’ thing way too far. Hide the details of your demon-fighting plan, fine. But keeping the suddenly juicy details of your sex life to yourself? Definitely not okay.” She gave me a teasing look, and I felt something release inside of me. Aveda Jupiter would never deign to share all the tingly, unsure, not-exactly-fabulous feelings she was having about her potential love life. But Annie Chang was definitely up for sharing all the things with her best friend. And that felt pretty damn good.

  “From now on, I’ll tell you everything,” I said. And I meant it.

  Evie convinced me to give her the trap to shuttle down to Nate and Bea so I could take a moment to talk things out with Scott. I still wasn’t entirely sure how to do that.

  Aveda Jupiter really hates it when she doesn’t have all the answers. But Evie advised me to screw up my courage and speak from the deepest part of my Annie Chang heart.

  Scott was sitting up in bed when I came back into the room, rubbing sleep from his eyes. His hair was still appealingly mussed and his shirt was rumpled and halfway unbuttoned, exposing all that golden muscle I’d finally gotten to experience up close and personal. I averted my eyes so I wouldn’t skip the talking part in favor of pouncing on him.

  “Hey,” he said.

  “Hey,” I said, my voice soft and unsure. Evie’s words flashed through my head: Tell him how you feel right now.

  I forced myself to look at him again. If that made me pounce, so be it. Somehow I managed to get a hold of myself, cross the room, and perch on the edge of the bed.

  “So,” I said, looking down at my hands. They twisted together in my lap. Great, yet another tic to replace nail-biting. “Last night. I guess you should know that right before you showed up, I thought I was going to die. I’ve had that feeling before, of course. When you’re saving the city from packs of bloodthirsty demon creatures on a regular basis, it’s bound to happen. But this time was different. This time, it didn’t feel like it would be a noble fate. It felt stupid.”

  I forced myself to meet his eyes. He was looking at me in that earnest, unguarded way that made my heart clench.

  “Why?” he asked.

  “For one thing, I still haven’t been able to figure out how to use telekinesis on something if I can’t see it,” I said, trying to make my tone light. “And you know how I strive for perfection in everything. But beyond that, no matter where we are or what we’re doing, I always manage to avoid telling you how you make me feel. I pull away from you and I’ve gotten so good at that, I almost don’t realize I’m doing it.” My voice quavered. I swallowed hard, trying to maintain control. “And dying without telling you seemed like the dumbest thing on the planet.”

  “How do I make you feel?” His voice was soft and tentative and even a little scared.

  “Like one big nerve ending who wants to be naked with you constantly.” No filter. No worrying about how I sounded or the fact that I was making myself intensely vulnerable to him. “I pull away because I’m scared that if you know that . . . I mean, it gives you power over me. Over my feelings. It means I’ve told you that you have the ability to hurt me. It takes me to a place I’m deeply uncomfortable with.” The Anni
e Chang place. “I live in fear that going to that place makes me weak.” Even though Evie seemed to think it would actually make me stronger. I still wasn’t totally convinced. “And if there’s one thing I absolutely don’t want to be, it’s weak. I’ve never been good at showing someone I’m actually scared. Not even Evie. Especially not Evie.”

  “I understand that feeling,” he said gently. “I know what it’s like to work so hard on a façade that you don’t know what’s real anymore. And any time you are real, it feels like the most painful thing possible.” He hesitated, his eyes searching my face. “When I was a kid, my mom was always so stressed out, and I felt like I had to be there for her, you know? Make her laugh, make her feel some kind of happiness. Even though I was scared, too. I felt like she could never know that. She could never see all of me. And now I naturally put up that wall with everyone.”

  I nodded, thinking of how he’d taken himself from junior high wimp to high school hottie. How he made jokes and kept the mood light whenever it seemed like things were veering into uncomfortable territory.

  “I don’t know if I even understand how to be completely real with someone,” I said. “But I’m trying to be more honest. And to let people be honest with me. So how do you feel? About what happened between us?”

  I held my breath. He hesitated for so long, I nearly passed out. Then, finally, he said, “It’s what I’ve wanted since we were fifteen.”

  His voice was so tender, it made tears spring to my eyes.

  “Then . . .” I took a deep breath. And I blurted out the question that had been hanging over my head for so many years. “On prom night—why was it with Evie and not with me?”