Starting Over

by Penny Jordan

  'I've been meaning—'

  'I wanted—'

  Both of them started to speak at once and then stopped.

  'I was going to get in touch,' Oh via began, 'But I was afraid...I wouldn't have blamed you if you'd refused to accept my apology. My behaviour was unfor—'

  'Livvy, Livvy, I would never do that,' Jenny protested, so plainly distressed by what Olivia had said that the younger woman felt some of her weary tension start to ease away.

  'I think we can all appreciate what a difficult time you've been having,' Jenny continued gently. 'The break-up of any relationship is traumatic.'

  As she heard the loving compassion in Jenny's voice Olivia's eyes began to smart.

  'Oh, Aunt Jenny...'

  As she saw the way Olivia's body was shaking Jenny reacted instinctively, putting her arms around her and holding her close.

  'It's all right, Livvy, it's all right....' She soothed her, much as she would have done had Olivia still been a little girl who had so often come to her with her problems. Wisely Jenny let her cry, sensing that Olivia needed the release.

  'Are you having second thoughts about separating from Caspar?' she asked her forthrightly when Olivia had eventually pulled back from her and accepted the tissue Jenny had proffered.

  'It's too late for that,' Olivia responded. Not even to Jenny could she bring herself to admit to the chaotic turmoil of her feelings or the grief that was threatening to overwhelm her. But grief from what? Not for the sterile hostile territory their marriage had become. No, her grief was for what their relationship had once been and for the love they had once shared but had now lost.

  'Livvy,' Jenny said as Olivia got herself back under control. 'I wish I could do something to help you with the girls but at the moment...'

  'It's all right. I do understand,' Olivia assured her immediately—and meant it.

  'I've got them into an after-school creche for now but that can only be a temporary measure. Do you think it's worth asking Chrissie Cooke if she knows of anyone? Her husband is related to more than half the town one way or another.'

  'I'll ask her for you, if you like,' Jenny offered immediately. She hesitated. She held no brief for David but her conscience forced her to point out quietly,

  'Have you thought of asking David and Honor, Livvy?

  I'm not trying to lecture you, but David is the girls'

  grandfather and I know from what Jon's said that he desperately wants to be able to get to know them properly.'

  'My father...' Livvy's face had gone white with angry rejection. 'Do you really think I'd do that, no matter how desperate I was?' She gave her aunt a small tight bitter smile.

  Jenny knew just how Olivia would react but she had felt duty bound to make the suggestion.

  'Oh, Jenny,' Olivia began, abruptly burying her head in her hands.

  'Why did he have to come back? Why couldn't he have stayed where he was? Just knowing he's here in Haslewich makes me feel...makes me want...' Olivia turned her face away. How could she explain the feelings of alienation and anger that had possessed her since her father's return when she couldn't fully understand them herself?

  'I'm so sorry, I've got to go,' Jenny told her with regret. 'I've got my own supermarket shop to do and Queensmead's, and I want to get Jack's things ironed before he goes back to university tomorrow.'

  Jack's home?' Olivia demanded in surprise.

  'An unofficial visit,' Jenny told her wryly, briefly explaining what had happened.

  'Well it's no use expecting Dad to talk to Jack about moral values and obligations,' Olivia told her aunt bitterly. 'I'm sorry,' she apologised to Jenny, 'But I just can't help it.'

  'I'll be in touch,' Jenny told her as they both stood up. 'And I'll have a word with Chrissie and ask her if she knows of anyone suitable to help out with the girls.'

  'You're the best,' Olivia told her gruffly. 'You don't know how much I've been hating myself for—'

  'It's over...forgotten,' Jenny told her quietly, 'And Livvy...don't ever think that you don't matter or that your uncle Jon and I don't care. You're very special to us and you always will be.'

  As they turned to go their separate ways, Olivia's heart felt infinitely lighter than it had done.

  BEFORE HEADING for the supermarket Jenny dialled Chrissie's number on her mobile and quickly explained the problems Olivia was having finding someone to help her with her daughters.

  'Well, I don't know anyone, but I'll certainly ask around,' Guy's wife confirmed immediately.

  They chatted for a few more minutes and Chrissie, like everyone else, was anxious to know about Maddy, asking Jenny to pass on to her her good wishes for her continued recovery.

  SARA AND Frances were sharing a working lunch when Chrissie arrived, kissing her sister-in-law warmly and shaking her head over her offer of something to eat.

  'I'm trying to watch my weight,' she groaned. 'Guy is taking us to Tuscany next summer and I'm determined to fit into my pre-baby bikinis!

  'Look, I know it's a long shot,' she continued, 'But Jenny Crighton rang me earlier. Olivia is desperate to find someone to help her with the girls now that she and Caspar have separated and she was wondering if we knew of anyone.'

  Frowning a little Frances shook her head. 'I know of plenty of potential babysitters, but there isn't anyone old enough or experienced enough to act as a proper help.'

  'No, that's what Jenny thought. She feels very guilty that she can't offer.'

  'Poor Livvy, I feel so sorry for her,' Frances sighed.

  'Catch me not being there to help any of my children if they needed me. I know that Jenny has been like a mother to Livvy but you'd think that Livvy's own mother would be only too delighted to offer her help.'

  'Well, you'd certainly think so,' Chrissie agreed,

  'but from what I've heard, Tania was never much of a mother to either Livvy or Jack and by all accounts she's shown no interest in her grandchildren at all.'

  Sara had started to stiffen when they began to discuss Grandmamma Tania. She was dying to defend her, to put her side of the story, but how could she?

  How would it look if she suddenly admitted to a relationship which she had never previously mentioned?

  Frances had been more than kind to her and Sara acknowledged that the older woman would have every right to feel that Sara had behaved deceitfully in not mentioning the relationship earlier. Not that she had intended deliberately to conceal it, but... But she now found herself in a position which was making her feel both guilty and uncomfortable.

  'Perhaps Olivia's mother doesn't know she needs her help,' was all she dared allow herself to say.

  'Well, she certainly knows that she's a grandmother,' Chrissie answered pithily, 'and despite Olivia's offers to take the children to see her she's always managed to come up with some excuse not to see them.'

  Sara was stunned. This wasn't the way her grandmamma told the story. Though she remembered her father had sometimes been acerbic in his reaction to Tania's never getting to see either her children or her grandchildren. Perhaps there was some truth in his comments after all.

  'I do feel so sorry for Livvy,' Chrissie was saying now. 'She had such a raw deal when she was growing up and now to have her marriage break down as well...'

  'Yes, she hasn't had an easy life,' Frances agreed.

  ANNALISE DAWDLED across the supermarket car park with her shopping. She was going to be late meeting Jack. She ought to be looking forward to seeing him she knew, to sharing with him her sense of joy and relief that she was not, after all, pregnant, but for some reason she felt almost as though she didn't want to see him.

  Jenny had just loaded her shopping into her car and was on her way to park her trolley when she saw the girl.

  'Annalise,' she called out, frowning a little as she noticed the almost despondent hunch of her heart-achingly vulnerable narrow teenage shoulders.

  With her own daughters and Olivia grown-up Jenny had almost forgotten how endearingly coltlike
teenage girls could be.

  Annalise stopped as she heard Jenny call her name, turning round to look at her.

  Jack's aunt! A paralysing sense of guilt and apprehension filled her, an atavistic female sense of wrong-doing and responsibility, too deeply ingrained for Annalise herself to be able to understand or analyse it.

  She just knew somehow that of the two of them, she would have been the one who both Jack's family and her own would have blamed if she had been pregnant.

  Jack might have tried to convince her that his aunt would understand and want to help them but Annalise had not been able to believe him.

  Annalise looked far from happy, Jenny recognised as she caught up with her and her heart went out to her.

  'Have you got time for a chat?' she asked her.

  Annalise wanted to refuse but Jenny was already leading the way to her car. Reluctantly Annalise went with her. Her tummy still ached and she felt vaguely sick.

  Annalise was looking at her as though she were expecting her to be angry with her, Jenny thought ruefully. She had been angry, it was true, with Jack as well as with Annalise, but now suddenly she was remembering how it felt to be Annalise's age and in love.

  Jenny could see from Annalise's strained expression just how much the quarrel between her and Jack must have upset her. The older woman had no wish to add to that upset but since fate had given her an opportunity to talk frankly to Annalise, Jenny felt that she had to take it—and not just for Jack's sake.

  'Jack told me what happened,' Jenny began gently, frowning when she saw Annalise's white-faced shocked reaction.

  'What's wrong?' she prompted her quietly.

  'He promised me he wouldn't tell anyone,' Annalise burst out. She couldn't believe that Jack would lie to her, especially not about something so important. Her hands curled into two small frustrated fists of pain.

  'It was private.... He had no right....' She stopped, fighting back her tears of shock and anger. She had been on an emotional see-saw all day, one minute euphoric and giddy with relief, the next half-afraid that she might have imagined it and that she was pregnant after all.

  'Annalise, I'm his aunt,' Jenny reminded her firmly.

  'His uncle Jon and I are his legal guardians. He might be over eighteen now but we still feel responsible for him. I'm sure that both of you consider yourselves to be grown-up but I think you know that it wasn't a very grown-up thing for Jack to do to come home from university in term time.'

  "I didn't ask him to....' Annalise protested, sensing that Jenny was blaming her.

  No doubt Jack's family would have preferred it if she hadn't said anything to him at all, if she had simply kept her shame and his unwanted baby out of his and their lives she decided bitterly.

  'As it happens, everything has worked out for the best,' Jenny was continuing, 'but this must not happen again Annalise and we have told Jack so.'

  'Again...' Annalise turned huge anguished eyes in Jenny's direction. Her gaze, full of bitterness and pain, caught at Jenny's heart, but she knew she had to stand firm.

  'I know that both you and Jack consider yourselves to be in love,' Jenny continued carefully, 'but you're very young...and we'd hate to see either of you ruining your lives. It's vitally important that Jack gets his degree, Annalise. He'll have told you, I know, how much he wants to become a solicitor.'

  Annalise knew what Jenny Crighton was telling her.

  She was telling her that Jack's family did not want his life ruined by an unwanted pregnancy. She might be pretending to be equally concerned about her, but Annalise knew that she wasn't. How could she be? She meant nothing to the Crightons. She probably didn't mean all that much to Jack, either. How could she, when he had broken his promise to her and told his aunt?

  Inwardly she writhed in hot shame at what his aunt must be thinking. Annalise's father was old-fashioned and he held old-fashioned views about girls who became pregnant outside marriage—views which he had made very plain to his daughter.

  Annalise couldn't bear any more. She turned and hurried away, ignoring Jenny's anxious, 'Annalise...

  please wait,' as the girl tore across the car park clutch-ing her shopping.

  'Well, you made a fine mess of that,' Jenny berated herself as she watched her go. She hadn't meant to upset her, only to try to make her understand how vitally important it was that Jack did not repeat his behaviour of this week and come rushing home every time they had a falling-out.

  Sighing, Jenny switched on the engine of her car.

  CHAPTER NINE

  'WHAT DO YOU mean—it's over?' Jack asked Annalise in bewilderment. He had been waiting for her for over half an hour and five minutes ago when she had eventually arrived she had sidestepped his embrace telling him flatly, 'I mean it's over,' Annalise reiterated sharply 'Over...finished...us...'

  'Annalise,' Jack protested. 'Look, I know this pregnancy business upset you, but...' He tried to reach for her hand but Annalise shook her head and stepped back from him, the expression in her eyes cold and rejecting. She ached to challenge him about his broken promise to her but she was afraid that if she did she would break down in tears.

  'I don't understand what's happening,' Jack told her quietly. 'I love you.'

  How could she believe that? How could she believe anything he said to her now?

  'I thought you loved me,' Jack coaxed. There was a hard lump in his throat, a sharp, savage pain in his heart. He couldn't understand what was happening or why.

  Annalise looked away from him refusing to say anything. She was angry with him—Jack could see that.

  But why? Because he had not been careful enough?

  She couldn't reproach him any more for that than he did himself.

  'Annalise, please...' He begged her.

  'I don't want to talk about it any more,' Annalise told him. 'There isn't any point. I don't want to see you again, Jack...I just want you to leave me alone.'

  She couldn't look at him. She knew if she did her control would break and she would burst into tears.

  She hadn't known that life could hold this much pain.

  She felt angry, abandoned, frightened, torn between hating Jack and wanting him to take her in his arms and tell her that everything was going to be all right.

  But how could it be all right? He had lied to her, broken his promise to her—and even if he had not, Annalise knew that she could not go through the trauma she had just experienced again. Jack might have promised her that everything would be all right but right now, everything was far from all right.

  Jack ached with remorse and love. His emotions burned the backs of his eyes, but he was a man now and men didn't cry.

  Annalise was already moving away from him.

  'Annalise...don't go....' he begged her, but she was ignoring him, hurrying back down the tow path.

  He wanted to go after her and plead with her to give him a second chance but a couple were coming the other way walking towards him. The river path was too public a place to say what he wanted to say to her.

  The frustration of not having the privacy he needed, of being looked on by others as being too young tore at his heart.

  He loved Annalise and he would always love her.

  He wasn't too young to know that.

  But she didn't want him any more. She had told him so. She blamed him for the fear the thought of being pregnant had caused her and she blamed him, too, for not being able to protect her from it, Jack knew. And he knew it because he, too, felt the same way. He, too, blamed himself. In making love with her and not making sure she was properly protected he had been selfish and now he was paying for that selfishness. Annalise had stopped loving him.

  Fiercely he knuckled the dampness from his eyes.

  The last thing he wanted to do now was go back to university but he knew he had no choice. He had let Annalise down but he wasn't going to compound his sin by letting his aunt and uncle down, as well.

  HALF-BLINDED by her own tears, Annalise ran down the river pat
h. It was over, finished, and she was glad...glad...she told herself fiercely. How could Jack have told his aunt what should have remained their own painful secret—and how could she even think about still loving him after what he had done?

  'YOU'RE LOOKING very pensive,' Saul commented to Tullah. He had just arrived home from work to find her on her own in the sitting room standing staring into space. 'Something wrong?'

  'Well, not wrong exactly, but...' Her forehead pleated in an anxious frown, Tullah proceeded to tell him what she had overheard. 'There was a message on the machine when I came home from Honor inviting us over there at the weekend.' She took a deep breath, 'I was thinking about Olivia....'

  'Yes,' Saul agreed grimly.

  'I got the impression that David wanted to tell her before the party but that he was afraid she would refuse to see him.'

  'I'm sure she would,' Saul acknowledged.

  'What do you think we should do?' Tullah asked him.

  'What do you think we should do?' Saul retorted.

  Tullah took a deep breath.

  'Well, in her situation I'd want to know and...and before the news became public knowledge. I couldn't tell her. We get on well enough together but we aren't close. Not like...'

  'Are you trying to say that you think I should tell her?' Saul asked her.

  'Yes,' Tullah confirmed, 'And soon, Saul...like tonight....'

  OLIVIA HAD SEEN the message light on her telephone bleeping when she walked into the house. For one idiotic moment she had actually thought that Caspar might have rung her and when, instead she had heard her father's voice, anger had overwhelmed her unwanted and very betraying disappointment.

  'Olivia. I need to talk to you,' he had said. 'There's something—'

  Olivia had cancelled the message without listening to any more.

  Had Jon perhaps spoken to him suggesting that this might be a good time for him to get in touch with her...a time when she felt weak and vulnerable? Well, she had meant what she had said to Jenny. Her father was someone she would never, ever ask for help.

  She had just given the girls their final good-night kisses and switched off their lights when Saul rang the front doorbell. Her pleasure at seeing him brought a happy sparkle to her eyes, lifting her mood. She wasn't foolish enough to really think that Saul wanted to resurrect their long-ago relationship, but she was woman enough and all too vulnerable enough to need to boost her ego with the attention of a handsome sexy man.