Where the Heart Lies

by Michelle Garren Flye

  Maybe that was why he was going back to Chapel Hill.

  Penny handed him the dishtowel he’d asked for and moved away when he motioned for her to do so. Everyone was watching now, and Alicia got the feeling they’d seen this particular trick before but still looked forward to observing it again. Liam raised the bottle, holding it halfway between the neck and the dishtowel-cushioned bottom. When he whacked the bottom firmly against the side of the house, the other guests drew in an appreciative breath. Alicia saw bubbles building up into froth. He knocked the bottle several more times and she noticed the cork beginning to emerge from the neck of the bottle. Three more firm raps and Liam held the bottle up, the cork sticking out a good inch above the top. “Will that do?”

  He relinquished the bottle to Mark, who pulled the cork the rest of the way out of the bottle and poured a glass of the wine, handing it to Liam. He turned immediately to Alicia, holding it out to her with a gallant smile and a little bow. As she accepted it, she heard Penny say, “Now, don’t you two go sneaking off again. You never know when a physics-related emergency could arise.”

  Alicia shot Penny a glare but swallowed a sharp reply. The night was about her friend’s marriage, and she didn’t want to spoil it. She took a sip of the wine and turned away from both of them, stepping off the deck.

  Liam didn’t follow.

  * * *

  At nine o’clock Millie appeared with an exhausted-looking Gemma. Alicia, who had been holding Jason cuddled asleep against her shoulder for the past half hour, turned immediately from her conversation, ready to go. Millie shook her head as she took Jason from Alicia. “Don’t worry about us, darling. Stay and have a nice time. I can get these two settled. I’ll probably turn in myself.”

  Alicia took note of Millie’s weary but determined face and nodded, kissing Jason’s flushed forehead as she surrendered him to his grandmother. No doubt a few minutes alone with her grandchildren would do her more good than anything else. “Okay, but I’ll be home soon. Don’t let Gemma keep you up reading to her.” She bent to kiss her daughter. “I’ll be along to tuck you in soon, baby.”

  Gemma was too tired to do anything but stumble along beside her grandmother as they turned to go. Alicia watched her daughter with mixed feelings. She didn’t really care about staying, but she didn’t want to deprive Millie of the opportunity to spend a few moments of quiet time with her grandchildren, either.

  “She looks like she’ll be asleep by the time Millie gets her in bed.”

  She turned to see Liam standing beside her. She raised her eyebrows. “Hi.”

  “Hi.” He looked awkward. “Are you okay?”

  “Sure. Why wouldn’t I be?” She shrugged. “I’m tired, though. Think I’ll head home too.” She looked around. “Just need to let Penny know.”

  “She’s in the back.” When Alicia turned in the direction he pointed, Liam followed her, standing by as she hugged Penny and explained that the children needed to be put to bed. A little irritated by his silent presence after his pointed absence most of the evening, Alicia ignored him until Penny directed her gaze at him.

  “And what are you doing hanging over Alicia’s shoulder?”

  “I plan to walk her home.”

  “It’s two doors away. I think I can make it.” Alicia let her tone fall curtly between them.

  He ignored her. “I’ll meet you at the gate.”

  She shrugged, looking back at Penny, whose eyes narrowed as he walked away. Penny looked back at her. “He’ll most likely want to take the long way. Trust me when I say you should avoid that if possible.”

  Alicia ignored Penny’s discouraging remarks and walked boldly away from the party. Liam fell silently into step with her at the gate and made no mention of taking a “long way” home. In fact, in spite of her annoyance, she didn’t want to part with him when they reached her house. They lingered in the darkness, not quite ready to say good-night but not wanting to disturb the peace of the house. Millie would be more intimidating than Penny had been discouraging, so instead of inviting him inside, she sat in the swing on the porch and he joined her.

  “I love the quiet here,” she said after a while.

  He continued to swing them, but she had the impression he was listening hard to the world around them. After a moment, he replied, “Not really that quiet, though.”

  “You mean the critters?” Alicia noticed again the burgeoning chorus that surrounded them. “Maybe it was dealing with the snake the other day, but I must be getting used to them. I hardly notice anymore.”

  “I can’t really say that makes much sense,” he said with a grin. “They’re so loud, I’m surprised you get any sleep.”

  “And to think you grew up here.” She shrugged. “Seriously, aren’t they as loud at your house?”

  “Not quite,” he said. “I’m not as close to the pond as you. But these are just the peepers. Have you heard the bullfrogs yet? With them, the crickets and the katydids, you’ll be lucky if you get any sleep at all.”

  “I’ll be sure and call when that happens.” She loaded her voice with as much sarcasm as she could muster. “When I’m lying awake listening to alien voices outside my window, I’ll pick up the phone and call you in Chapel Hill and tell you.”

  “Promise.” He turned to look at her. Suddenly it didn’t seem like a joke anymore, and she found it hard to reply until he continued in a lighter tone, “I mean, I’ll want to know I’m right, after all.”

  “Right, I’ll remember that.” She sat up, rolling her head a little from side to side, stretching tired neck muscles as she bought time, trying to recover her lost equilibrium.

  He sat up next to her, bringing the swing to a halt, and before she could find an excuse to move away, uncomfortable with his proximity, he had pushed her hair over her shoulders and begun massaging her neck and shoulders. He didn’t speak, allowing Alicia to relax against his hands, letting the soothing sensation of a fellow human’s touch release her tensions.

  Though his hands never strayed, never touched her in any intimate way, Alicia became aware that, along with the release of her stiff muscles, her body was responding in a far from innocent fashion, desire for his touch awakening in every part of her. In spite of the guilty knowledge that his hands shouldn’t feel so good against her skin, her nerve endings sang.

  And still he continued, kneading her shoulders, caressing her spinal column with his thumbs, stroking her skin… She reached up and touched his hand, stopping him, glad she hadn’t finished her second glass of wine. “Uh, thanks.” Her voice was a hoarse whisper.

  His hands lingered on her shoulders and she had the impression he was mustering the courage to tell her something. She panicked, standing and walking toward the door. He stood almost simultaneously.

  “I should go.” He hesitated at the top of the steps.

  She turned too quickly and they almost collided. He reached out to steady her and Alicia laughed, stepping back. “Yeah. I guess so. I mean, I’m really tired and I’ve probably had too much wine and…” She trailed off, not sure how to finish the sentence without admitting to him how much she wanted him.

  Liam took her hand in his, very gently. “You know you can trust me, right?”

  And why should she? Why the hell should she know she could trust this man she’d just met a few months ago? “Yes,” she said so quietly it was almost a whisper.

  He squeezed her hand. “Yes.” He released her and walked away into the muggy air and the cacophony of insect music.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Her lips on his, she drew him into the bed, letting him remove her blouse as she fought to disengage the buttons of his shirt. Finally, she had freed the last one and the shirt was gone as if it had evaporated. She moaned, wanting him, longing to feel his skin against hers and knowing he wanted her as much. But instead of covering he
r willing body with his, he moved away, at first to the edge of the bed, but then further, as if the bed were a boat and he were on an island watching her float away. She sat up, his name on her lips, knowing if she could just speak it he could reach across the sea to her…

  “Liam.” Alicia’s eyes opened in the master bedroom of the childhood home of her dead husband. Her heart beat a mad staccato rhythm in her chest and her breath came quickly. She closed her eyes, willing the desire to go away. She was used to waking up this way. Hadn’t she been having dreams about her husband for the past year and a half? This time, however, was different. This time the desire didn’t go away.

  Because for the first time since Ty had come into her life, Alicia had dreamed of another man.

  She rolled over, her body aching, and curled up, crossing her arms on her chest. Her lips parted and she said his name again. “Liam.”

  * * *

  The night before he left, Liam called. Alicia had been drinking tea and reading. She set aside her book and picked up the telephone. “Hello?”

  “Hi.”

  “Hi.” She opened her mouth to add something inane but decided not to and let the silence stretch over the line for several moments as she thought about her dream and the way her body had ached for hours after. Nonsensical as it was, she was actually a little angry with him. Finally she said, “Are you all packed and ready to go?”

  “All packed.” His voice seemed to imply he wasn’t ready, however.

  “Well, you’ll be busy again. That’s good, right?”

  “Alicia…”

  “It’s fine, Liam.” She wondered what she was talking about. It wasn’t fine. They weren’t fine. She couldn’t sleep without dreaming about him and she couldn’t be awake without thinking of him. Her heart ached knowing he would be leaving for Chapel Hill, going back to his normal life, and what if he didn’t come back on the weekends as he’d promised? She had no right to ask him to come back. He shouldn’t come back. He should stay gone as long as possible and force her to get over whatever crush she’d formed on him.

  She realized he’d been silent for a long time. “Liam?”

  “Is it?” He sounded like he was coming back from a long way away. “Are you really fine?”

  “What do you want me to say?” The question sounded petulant, but she wanted to hear his answer. She didn’t expect total honesty, however.

  “I want you to tell me you want me.” His voice sounded husky. “I could be there in five minutes.”

  She swallowed hard, aware the words he wanted to hear were in her throat, willing to be said. When she finally spoke, she knew she’d finally gotten to the heart of what troubled both of them. “What we want doesn’t really matter, though, does it?”

  He was silent. When he spoke again, she wondered if he’d accepted what she’d said. “I could still be there in five minutes.”

  She laughed, but it sounded like a sob, and she paused to get control of herself. “Thank you.”

  “For what?” He sounded genuinely confused.

  “Everything. Being here for me and my kids. Rescuing me. Letting me rescue myself. All that you’ve done that’s helped me be a whole person again.” She gripped the receiver and wished it were his hand, wished she could turn to him and kiss him. And was glad she couldn’t.

  “I only did that because—” He broke off but his unspoken words hung between them. After a moment of silence, he added, “It wasn’t all for you.”

  “I know.” Her voice drifted into the space between them. “And that’s okay too.”

  “Yeah.” He fell silent for a moment. “So, I’ll see you, then?”

  She gulped. “I’ll be here.” She hung up, feeling as if the severed phone line had been a lifeline she’d released too early. She lowered her head to her arms and concentrated on not drowning in the wave of anguish that threatened to envelop her.

  * * *

  Alicia rose early to find Millie already up. She stood by the open back door in her long bathrobe, her arms folded over her chest. When Alicia entered, Millie turned her head.

  “Good morning.”

  “Good morning. You’re up early.” She felt a little disquieted. Millie looked so solemn.

  “I remember the day Jim brought me here for the first time.” Millie looked back out at the yard. “I remember thinking what a wonderful place it would be to have children. We’d only been married a couple of years, and we were already expecting Ty.” She sighed. “I always wanted more. It seemed wrong to live in such a beautiful place and not have more children in it.”

  Alicia walked over to her mother-in-law and put her arm around her. She sensed Millie was mourning, but she wasn’t quite certain what it was for. It wasn’t like her grief for Ty or Jim, but more like an ending to something much larger. Determined to offer whatever comfort she could, Alicia squeezed her shoulders. “Are you okay?”

  Millie sighed and put her hand over Alicia’s, giving it an almost absent pat. “Fine, darling. I’m fine. But we have to talk.” She motioned to the kitchen table.

  Alicia sat across from Millie. “What’s up?”

  Millie reached across to take Alicia’s hands. “First of all, thank you. For everything these last few weeks. I don’t know what I would have done without you and the kids.” She shook her head to stop Alicia’s protests. “Don’t, honey. I know I’m welcome here. Believe me, I do, and I’m grateful, which makes it harder for me to tell you I’m going to move back to our apartment.” She bit her lip. “My apartment.”

  “Are you sure?” Alicia didn’t want to think of her mother-in-law leaving. “I really want you to stay as long as you want. And the kids love having you here.”

  Her mother-in-law nodded. “I know, and that does make it hard to leave. But I have to get on with my life, and you have to get on with yours.”

  Something in Millie’s tone made Alicia look at her sharply. “What do you mean?”

  Millie looked away as if uncomfortable. “You should be going out. You’re a young woman, and you should be dating. I know Liam Addison agrees with me.” She smiled a little.

  Alicia remembered her earlier conversation with Jim. Had he mentioned something to Millie? Or had Millie seen something between her and Liam that forced her to come to the same conclusion as Jim on her own? It hurt to think that Millie might think she intended to follow her feelings for Liam without regard for her family or Ty’s memory. “Millie, I’m so sorry…I have no intention of—”

  Millie shook her head. “That’s not what I meant. Honey, have you considered that maybe you don’t have to be Ty’s wife for the rest of your life? At least not just Ty’s wife?”

  Alicia pulled her hands from Millie’s and sat back, a little startled by the sudden sense of freedom Millie’s words sent soaring through her. “I’ll love Ty forever.” She looked at Millie for absolution.

  “Of course you will.” Her mother-in-law nodded. “I’ll love Jim forever too. And that apartment is one of the loneliest places I can think of to go now that he’s gone. But I know it’s the first step in getting control of my own life again.”

  “Control is something I haven’t had for so long I don’t know if I’d recognize it anymore.” Alicia spoke very quietly. Her life had been a whirlwind since she met Ty. Marriage, children, dealing with him being away. Though she’d often been alone, she’d never felt in control of her own destiny. “In fact, I’m not sure I’ve had control of my life since I married Ty.”

  For a long moment the two were silent. Then Millie straightened and pushed her chair back. “It’s time, honey. It’s time to bring some life back to this old house. Be happy.” Her expression held both sadness and strength. “I’ve got to pack.”

  * * *

  Alicia helped Millie move back to her apartment in the assisted living facility on Thursday. They ord
ered pizza and played games, keeping things happy for the children, which wasn’t hard until it got close to bedtime. Then Gemma grew tired of laughing at Jason’s antics and walked over to her grandfather’s chair. After a moment spent standing in front of it with a sad expression, she lay her head on the seat. Alicia caught her breath to keep from sobbing, but Millie went over and knelt next to her granddaughter, stroking her hair and talking quietly. After a moment, she stood, taking Gemma’s hand and leading her over to her mother.

  “Certain little ones are ready for bed, honey.” She met Alicia’s concerned look. “Time to go home.”

  Until her mother-in-law spoke those words, Alicia hadn’t allowed herself to think about leaving Millie there alone. For a moment she wasn’t sure she could do it, but one look at the other woman’s determined expression convinced her she didn’t have a choice. “You’ll call if you need anything?”

  “I’ll call.” Millie put her arm around Alicia’s waist and led her to the door. When Alicia hesitated again, she added, “I’m a big girl, honey. I’ve looked after myself for a long time now. Maybe it’s time you started looking after somebody besides me.”

  Something in her mother-in-law’s tone made Alicia hesitate. Only then did she realize it was Thursday evening. Liam had said he might come home on Thursday evenings. But she hadn’t heard anything from him since he left. Maybe whatever had called him back to Chapel Hill was keeping him so busy he couldn’t be bothered with her.

  Alicia wouldn’t allow herself to think about him while she drove. As she put Gemma and Jason down for the night, she kept her mind trained on other things. However, when she wandered into the kitchen and made herself a cup of tea, she wondered if he would stop by on his way into town. She had no reason to believe he would. Maybe he’d met some old girlfriend in Chapel Hill. Or a new one. Maybe he wouldn’t come back to Hillsborough. Truth to be told, how much actually kept him there? The bar, of course, but it was set up so his staff could run it in his absences. The memory of two dead parents? Old friends who disapproved of him? Memories turned sour for some inexplicable reason?