Tom Stoppard Plays 3

by Tom Stoppard

  GEORGE: Oh – (In relief he takes a swig of water.)

  HARRY: You’re not supposed to drink it.

  GEORGE: My teeth are fine, Harry – I mean I don’t want to teach you your job but – (He has to open his mouth to say ‘but’ and in goes the steel.)

  HARRY: No pain? – there?

  (Jab. GEORGE jumps.)

  Yes, I thought as much.

  GEORGE: You caught my gum there, Harry –

  (HARRY sighs and turns away, fiddling with his tools.)

  HARRY: Ah well … Yes, I’ve given it a bit of thought and I’m going to have it out.

  GEORGE: What?

  HARRY: I mean – she gets home absolutely dead beat. She just wants to go to sleep.

  GEORGE: Oh. Well, I suppose it takes it out of her.

  HARRY: The flower-arranging?

  GEORGE: Oh well, I suppose it requires a certain concentration.

  HARRY: You may be right. You’ve got the best of it.

  GEORGE: Me?

  HARRY: Well, entertaining clients and that sort of thing – at least you can take Mary along.

  GEORGE: Oh, it’s not her kind of thing. Business, you know. It’s just hard work.

  HARRY: Same boat, then.

  GEORGE: Yes.

  HARRY: Of course, women notice these things.

  GEORGE: What?

  HARRY: When you get home dead beat. Just want to go straight to sleep.

  GEORGE: Oh yes.

  HARRY: Same thing with me and Prudence. Only the other way round, of course. Makes one very tense, you know – and in my job you’ve got to have a very steady hand, got to be cool and calm – (He turns round with a wicked tool.)

  GEORGE: Harry! – (He brings his voice down.) There’s nothing wrong, is there, Harry?

  HARRY: Well, I’ve seen better, George. I don’t know if I can save that one.

  GEORGE: Don’t be daft.

  HARRY: Pink toothbrush – admit it.

  GEORGE: What?

  HARRY: They’ve been bleeding, when you brush your teeth.

  GEORGE: Well, a bit, perhaps. Now and again.

  HARRY: Pyorrhoea.

  GEORGE: What?

  HARRY: Setting in. (Shakes his head.) I’ve told you before, George – you’ve only got one set of teeth. Let them go once and they’ve gone for good. Now look at my teeth – (He shows them) I wasn’t born with better teeth than you, but I look after them. I massage the gums. Use woodpoints on them. I’ve got a row of good strong white shiny teeth for that. See? Teeth are very important on every level. I mean, apart from anything else, it was my teeth that first attracted Prudence to me – she told me that.

  (GEORGE starts to speak but HARRY is in there: jab. GEORGE winces.)

  There – see that? Blood.

  (GEORGE starts to protest, to move.)

  Hey – hold on, mouth open, head still – I don’t want to slip with this little number.

  (GEORGE freezes in alarm. HARRY starts to whistle softly.)

  … Yes, Prudence is very particular about teeth. I’m sure Mary’s the same. She’s got a lovely smile herself … Of course, I’m not saying that teeth are a key to a man’s character, but it’s the smile women look for. (He withdraws.) I mean, that swine Collins had good teeth, I’ll give him that, and he took Prudence in completely.

  GEORGE: What?

  HARRY: Oh – have I spoken out of turn? Well, it’s all water under the bridge now.

  GEORGE: What is?

  HARRY: Collins – a trainee from the dental hospital. Nasty piece of work. Thought I was an idiot.

  GEORGE: Oh?

  HARRY: Well, you know what Prudence is – very impressionable, a bit young and dizzy, a sitting duck for a bastard like Collins – I wouldn’t tell Mary about this, you know, women don’t like each other to know when they’ve made a bit of a fool of themselves – but there was a little something between Prudence and Collins. Well, I didn’t blame her, of course – I mean, she’s an innocent, really – Collins took advantage of her. No, I just handled it my own way.

  GEORGE: Really?

  HARRY: Oh yes. Collins wouldn’t be showing his face around the fair sex for quite a while to come … and a real smiler, he was. It was the craftiness I didn’t like. He was seducing her right under my nose and he thought I couldn’t see. An insult to my intelligence – that was it.

  GEORGE: What did you –?

  (HARRY has turned round, holding a syringe.)

  What’s that?

  HARRY: No point in causing unnecessary suffering, is there?

  (GEORGE opens his mouth to protest.)

  That’s it. (He puts in the needle.) We’ll just give it a minute … Yes, well, I didn’t go to law, if that’s what you mean. I could have done – oh yes, an open and shut case – I could have sued him for thousands. But of course there was no point – I mean, he wasn’t a man of substance. If he’d been a man of substance, I wouldn’t have hesitated. Thousands And the scandal. It would have ruined a man of substance. How’s business?

  GEORGE: What?

  HARRY: Doing well? I always said to Prudence, George is a man with a big future. Barring accidents. Oh yes.

  GEORGE: Well, it’s all go. No time to myself for weeks.

  HARRY: Of course it is. How’s the rowing?

  GEORGE: The what?

  HARRY: I thought you were a rowing man.

  GEORGE: No, I wouldn’t say that.

  HARRY: Oh, I thought you were a great one for the sculls on the Serpentine.

  GEORGE: Not me.

  HARRY: Umm. Well … getting numb?

  GEORGE: What? Oh – yes, I think so.

  HARRY: Let’s have a look – (Probes.) Yes, funny business. I mean, I had no reason to disbelieve it, because I know that with Tuesday being Prudence’s free afternoon – (GEORGE jerks.)

  Sorry!

  (HARRY withdraws.)

  Better leave it a minute, then. (Sighs.) Who can one believe, then?

  GEORGE: Oh – of course – I’m with you – you mean on the Serpentine with Prudence.

  HARRY: That’s right.

  GEORGE: Rowing!

  HARRY: That’s what I said.

  GEORGE: Yes – quite. I mean, it wasn’t actually rowing.

  HARRY: No?

  GEORGE: No – it was more in the nature of paddling.

  HARRY: Ah.

  GEORGE: Yes, I was in the Park, and you don’t often get a chance to have a bit of a paddle – yes, I was just fixing up a boat for myself – it was more a canoe, really – and lo! – there was Prudence – ‘Hello,’ I said, ‘what are you doing here?’ ‘Hello,’ she said, ‘fancy seeing you.’ ‘Fancy a paddle,’ I said … Yes, she mentioned seeing me, did she?

  HARRY: No, she didn’t mention it. It was Archie Sullivan.

  GEORGE: Who?

  HARRY: Archie Sullivan. Do you know him?

  GEORGE: No, I don’t believe I do.

  HARRY: Oh. He knows you.

  GEORGE: Oh.

  HARRY: Yes, he told me he saw you and Prudence having a bit of a row on the Serpentine on her afternoon off work. I can’t think what she was doing in the Park – though of course she does have her activities as I told you.

  GEORGE: Yes, it was the flowers, I think. Picking flowers. To arrange.

  HARRY: That’s funny.

  GEORGE: Well, I suppose you have to bring your own – you won’t find the local authorities lashing out the rates on floral composition.

  HARRY: No, but Tuesday is old people.

  GEORGE: Oh – yes – She did have some old people with her. Three or four. Very decent lot, I thought. Very clean and well behaved.

  HARRY: Did you have them in the boat?

  GEORGE: No, they didn’t fancy it.

  HARRY: Very nice.

  GEORGE: What?

  HARRY: Very nice, if you can get it. I don’t know how you do it. Still getting your bit, then? On the job?

  GEORGE: Now, Harry –

  HARRY: No, I envy you – what a job! Love
ly.

  GEORGE: Oh, the job – Well, it’s very varied work, of course –

  HARRY: Yes, you should have been on ‘What’s My Line?’ They’d never have guessed you, would they, not with your mime. There you’d be rowing your boat – they’d never guess Salesman in a million years. You’d have got a diploma. (He has wandered off and has suddenly turned round with a mallet and chisel. GEORGE sits bolt upright and squawks –)

  GEORGE: Harr!

  (HARRY puts the chisel against the head-rest bracket and gives it a good thump with the mallet.)

  HARRY: Must get that seen to. (He puts down the mallet and chisel.)

  Open up now. (Probes.) Yes, you won’t feel a thing.

  (The drill; GEORGE’s eyes.)

  Mmmm … (Whistles softly for a moment.) Incidentally, when you and Mary come round could you bring Prudence’s shoes with you.

  (GEORGE’s eyes.)

  Steady now. (Withdraws.)

  GEORGE: What?

  HARRY: Apparently she left them at your place after she fell in.

  GEORGE: What are you talking about?

  HARRY: Shoes. She left them behind. At your place after she fell in. Of course, that’s my deduction, I may be wrong.

  GEORGE: You are wrong, Harry. What are you trying to say? – Prudence never came home without her shoes, did she?

  HARRY: No, she was wearing Mary’s. Lucky thing you live so close to the Park – she might have got pneumonia with her shoes wet.

  GEORGE: Mary’s shoes?

  HARRY: Got Mary’s name in them. Same kind of shoes, only with Mary’s name in them. Lucky they take the same size. Must remember to thank her. Rinse please.

  (GEORGE rinses and thinks.)

  GEORGE: Oh – yes. Of course. Yes, it was when she was getting out of the boat, she sort of –

  HARRY: Fell in.

  GEORGE: Well, no – I mean – she certainly got her feet wet, yes. ‘Tell you what,’ I said – ‘My place is very handy – I’ll just nip up for a pair of Mary’s shoes for you to go home in, don’t want to get pneumonia –’

  HARRY: But she went with you, didn’t she?

  GEORGE: Well, it seemed simpler, yes – cup of tea to warm her up – footbath – Yes, you asked her about it, did you?

  HARRY: No, I’ve hardly had a chance to speak to her. It was Archie Sullivan who told me.

  GEORGE: Oh? I must say, he gets about, doesn’t he? (Laugh.) He ought to have been on ‘What’s My Line?’ if anyone – with his mime – just following people about, they’d never guess him in a million years.

  HARRY: Oh, I don’t know. I mean, he’s a private enquiry agent, isn’t he?

  GEORGE: Is he?

  HARRY: Well, he says he is. I don’t see why he should lie about it.

  (Up.) Mary!

  (The door opens and the WIFE enters.)

  Ah, Mary – this husband of yours is having a bit of trouble after all –

  WIFE: Not serious is it, Harry?

  GEORGE: I meant to tell you, lover – you’d never guess who I met in the Park –

  (He finds his mouth full of drill.)

  HARRY: (Drilling) Well, it’s not too good at all. He hasn’t been taking care. I’m trying to save what I can.

  But … (Withdraws.)

  (GEORGE starts to speak.)

  Spit.

  (GEORGE rinses.)

  GEORGE: Yes – I couldn’t get a taxi – traffic jams as far as you could see – and I had to meet this big client – so I thought, I know – I’ll cut through the Park – and of course I forgot about the lake – bang in the way – so what do you think I did? I’ll tell you –

  (HARRY has returned with brush and liquid.)

  HARRY: Now whatever you do, don’t move your head while I’m doing this.

  GEORGE: What does it do?

  HARRY: Stains green – we don’t want to get it on your teeth, but it’s very good for your gum condition, so I’m giving it a try Ready?

  (GEORGE freezes with mouth open. HARRY administers. The WIFE mixes paste.)

  … I was just saying, Mary – old George has a very interesting job. Takes him into all sorts of places.

  WIFE: Mostly pubs.

  HARRY: Yes – and the lake.

  WIFE: What lake?

  HARRY: The Serpentine. You’ll never guess what he was doing yesterday.

  WIFE: Demonstrating a new line, he said.

  HARRY: Ha-ha – that’s a new line – eh, George?

  (GEORGE frozen.)

  (MARY comes round to the front and notices the extractors. She picks them up.)

  MARY: Harry, you don’t mean –?

  HARRY: Don’t worry – you won’t know the difference.

  MARY: (Upset) It’s not the same, though, is it?

  HARRY: Well, he should have thought of that in all these months of neglect.

  MARY: But he’s always brushing his teeth. He’s a maniac about them.

  HARRY: It’s the gums, Mary, it’s the gums. Oh – you moved, George!

  (He withdraws.)

  Yes, he was on the lake, demonstrating –

  GEORGE: Life-jackets. Have you got green on my teeth?

  MARY: Life-jackets?

  GEORGE: The new line. I was demonstrating it, rowing a boat the client was worried about it causing restriction – He was going to order a thousand as long as it didn’t interfere with the rowing – that’s what he said – so I went out and –

  MARY: Life-jackets. It was my birthday, too. He let me down, you know.

  HARRY: Tsk, tsk. You don’t know when you’re well off, George a beautiful wife –

  MARY: Oh really, Harry –

  HARRY: Beautiful, I said – and on her birthday – if I was in your shoes, George – oh, that reminds me – Ah! – you moved again? Where was I?

  MARY: Do you think I’m beautiful, really, Harry?

  HARRY: I say it in front of George. A man would be proud to have you for a wife.

  MARY: Oh, Harry – isn’t he sweet, George? You see I’ve got them on? [Earrings.]

  HARRY: You do something for those earrings. They’re nothing by themselves.

  MARY: You’re flirting!

  HARRY: Oh, I wouldn’t do it behind George’s back.

  MARY: No, you don’t say much, Harry – but I did wonder (She touches her earrings.)

  HARRY: He’s a lucky fellow. Yes, I was telling you – he took Prudence for a boat-ride on the Serpentine yesterday.

  MARY: He what?

  GEORGE: (Free but strangled) Yes, I was demonstrating the life jacket and it all went very well, and suddenly I saw Prudence. Well, I took her for a paddle, just for a minute, and when she was getting out of the boat she slipped and fell in – I mean, got her shoes wet – so as it was cold, I suggested that she borrowed a pair of yours so she wouldn’t get pneumonia, and we nipped back to the flat and she borrowed your shoes, I knew you wouldn’t mind, of course –

  HARRY: They all had a cup of tea.

  MARY: All?

  HARRY: She had some old people with her, according to George.

  GEORGE: Yes – three or four, very nice old people – we all had a brew-up while Prudence was changing her shoes – cup of tea and a piece of cake – me and Prudence and some old folks, in the flat yesterday … I forgot to tell you.

  HARRY: Old Pru certainly gets about. She’s never at home. Just like George.

  GEORGE: I meant to tell you – I say, Harry – you haven’t got green on my teeth, have you?

  HARRY: Only one of them – I told you not to move –

  MARY: George –

  HARRY: Don’t you worry – it’s lucky it’s that one –

  GEORGE: Why? – what’s lucky about it?

  (HARRY inserts a clamp: this is a fitting like a tiny girder – the top and bottom hold apart the upper and lower jaw, preventing GEORGE from closing his mouth, which is wide open.)

  HARRY: I’m afraid he won’t be needing it anyway.

  MARY: Not that I care. Life-jackets.


  HARRY: Fascinating job. Of course I’m very dull.

  MARY: No, you’re not, Harry.

  HARRY: Nothing very romantic about dentistry.

  MARY: But you’re romantic at heart, Harry – that’s what counts. You’re a gentleman.

  HARRY: I’m glad you liked the earrings.

  MARY: Did you choose them, Harry?

  HARRY: Yes – I really looked around for those. Actually, I didn’t get around to mentioning it to Prudence – didn’t want her to get any ideas –

  MARY: What ideas would she get, Harry?

  (HARRY withdraws from GEORGE’s mouth. They go out of his vision and their voices are off screen. We are left with GEORGE’s eyes and gaping mouth.)

  HARRY: Oh … ideas …

  MARY: You don’t have ideas, do you Harry?

  HARRY: Well, I’m only human. Aren’t we all? George and Prudence and you are …

  MARY: I’m only human –

  HARRY: Of course you are, Mary … Are you sure those earrings aren’t too tight –

  MARY: Well, of course, being new …

  HARRY: I was worried about that – there, does that pinch a bit –

  MARY: It’s slipped a bit, that’s what it is –

  HARRY: This way?

  MARY: No, the other way, Harry … if you just push my hair back a little –

  HARRY: Like this …?

  MARY: Can you see …?

  HARRY: Just turn your head a little –

  MARY: Yes, Harry … that’s better … that’s nice …

  (The dialogue runs down to silence while we stay on GEORGE’s face. His eyes move right and left. He tries to twist but he can’t see behind the head-rest.

  Six or seven seconds of silence.

  They come back into GEORGE’s view. Harry’s tie is almost under his ear. Mary’s little white dental receptionist’s cap is cock-eyed. HARRY, humming softly, fits the oxygen mask over GEORGE’s face. Dissolve into FLORA and AGNES in the waiting room. There are two or three new people in the waiting room: old ill-kept faces. FLORA and AGNES are sitting together as before.)

  FLORA: Oh, I could have had him – just like that – (She snaps her fingers) – he was begging me.

  AGNES: I can see it now … On his knees.

  FLORA: On his knees. I told him.

  AGNES: You did.

  FLORA: Straight out. I want a man who’s all there.