Pursuit For Lucidity (Crashing Waves)

by Marie Jem

  I led Katherine out to her car and noticed the rain still coming down hard. “Listen, if there’s anything I can do for you, just call,” she hugged me tightly. “You’re going to be fine, Claire. I promise,” she said as she sat in her car and drove off. At that moment, it didn’t seem like I would ever be fine again. Life would never be as it had been before Alex. I wished I had never met him at all, so I wouldn’t feel so wounded. I occupied my time with laundry, trying to get everything off my mind. I began to clean my bathrooms, mopped the floors. After all that, I even did yoga for an hour. I sure wasn’t going to bed that night.

  I took a shower, a very long hot shower and cried some more. My eyes were so red and swollen that I didn’t know how I was going to be seen in public the following day. I got dressed and headed downstairs to pour myself a glass of wine. I flipped through the television channels, hoping there would be something funny to watch. I needed a change of mood desperately. I sipped and sipped on many glasses of wine until the bottle was empty.

  I woke up early the next morning with the remote in my hand and the television still on. My heart was so heavy that I had no idea how I pulled myself off of that couch. I took another shower to wake up, applied as much makeup as I could to hide my red and swollen eyes. No matter what I tried, I still looked terrible. I was surprised to find myself in the parking structure at work. My mind was elsewhere and I had no idea how I had made it to work. Laura was the first to notice that something was not right with me. I tried to avoid looking at anyone directly, so they would not notice my eyes, but Laura noticed immediately.

  “Hey,” she whispered, “have you been crying?” she asked.

  “No,” I lied.

  “Claire, what’s wrong? Did something happen?” she asked.

  “I will tell you over lunch,” I replied, my eyes tearing, “but for now, I don’t want to talk about anything that’s going to make me emotional,” I added.

  Laura understood and did not ask any further questions while we worked. I opened my work email and noticed I had one from Mark Kohler.

  Hello Claire,

  I’m sorry about what happened with you and Alex. I’m here if you need a shoulder to cry on.

  Mark

  I was not in the mood for Mark or his emails. I deleted the email and went about my work. I found myself in a daze that entire morning. Lunchtime arrived and Laura reminded me that we had a lunch date. We went to the Cuban deli for lunch and I told Laura about the weekend events. She was just as shocked as Katherine had been, if not more.

  “You know what’s interesting to me, Claire?” she asked, “If he was married, then why wasn’t he afraid to date you out in the open? I mean, every time you wanted it to be on the down low, Alex always wanted Mark and everyone else to know that you were seeing him. That’s a little odd behavior for a married man, don’t you think?” she asked.

  “I don’t know what to think anymore, Laura,” I said, and noticed I had only taken one bite of my sandwich and did not want to eat anymore. Even though I knew I would starve to death if I didn’t start eating more food. I just didn’t care.

  “I just think there’s more to the story that you don’t know, that’s all. Keep an open mind and an open heart,” she advised. I knew it was easier said than done. Laura was a very smart girl and I knew I should take her advice. “One day, you will look back on this day and laugh. Whether you end up with Alex or not, it’s going to be okay in the future. I just know it,” she assured.

  “Thanks, Laura. I really needed to hear that. I don’t know what I would do without you,” I replied.

  The deli was very crowded during lunchtime and the line was very long by the time we were halfway done with our food. There was a couple standing in line next to our table. I noticed they were both wearing dance attire with Mancini Dance Studio written on the back of their t-shirts. I recalled that name. My friend Kristen that I used to dance with had sent me an email asking me to join that dance studio. It was one of the most popular dance studios and even offered career opportunities for those who were interested in something more than just improving their dance skills.

  “Excuse me,” I asked, “do you dance at Mancini?”

  “Yes, we do,” replied the woman, no older than I. They both had an amazing dancer’s body.

  “My friend Kristen also dances there. Kristen Spears,” I said.

  “Oh yeah, of course I know Kristen,” she said, her face lighting up. “She’s a very good dancer,” she replied.

  “I’m Claire Morgan, it’s nice to meet you,” I replied.

  “Nice to meet you, Claire. I’m Mackenzie and this is Pete,” she said. Are you a dancer also?” she asked.

  “I used to dance until a few years ago. Kristen wanted me to join the studio, but I was too involved with school, so it wouldn’t have worked out,” I replied.

  “How about now? Maybe you should give it a try,” said Mackenzie.

  “It might not be a bad idea. I’m very rusty and could use a little help. I will get a hold of Kristen and get more information from her. It was nice meeting you two,” I replied.

  “Nice meeting you, also. Hopefully we will run into you at the studio soon,” she said and walked forward in line.

  Laura looked at me with her eyes bright, “I didn’t know you were a dancer,” she winked.

  “Not that kind of a dancer, Laura,” I said poking her arm with my index finger.

  “Maybe it’s not a bad idea to go back to dancing, Claire. Get your mind off of everything that’s been going on. I’m not a dancer, but even I have heard about that studio. It’s pretty popular. Professional dancers come out of that studio,” she added.

  “I don’t want to be a professional dancer, Laura. I think I just need an activity to pass the time. It’s not too far from here, so if I were to dance after work, then go home, I would bypass all the traffic,” I noted.

  Laura agreed. She said she had taken classes before, but she had two left feet, so there was no hope for her. “Laura, there’s always hope. Dancing is the best outlet for stress, which is exactly what I might need right now,” I said.

  We headed back to work and I noticed I was feeling much better. I knew I would get through all the heartache soon enough. It was just going to take time, but I was strong. If I had gotten over the attack, I knew I could get through anything in life that was handed to me.

  We were already late to work, so we hurried back. As we walked into the hospital building, we headed for the elevator. The elevator doors opened before we reached it and I noticed Alex started to come out of it. I grabbed Laura’s arm and pulled her towards the door to the stairs. “Laura, it’s Alex,” I whispered. “Let’s take the stairs, please.” We began climbing the stairs as I heard someone calling after me. It was Alex.

  “Claire, wait,” he called, running after me, catching up to me.

  “I will see you back at the office, Claire,” Laura said and continued to climb up.

  I turned to Alex, “What is it, Alex?”

  “I j-just wanted to see how you’re doing, that’s all,” he replied. Alex hadn’t shaved and his hair wasn’t perfectly combed. He looked like a mess.

  “I’m perfectly fine and need to get back to work. I’m already late,” I replied and ran up the steps. I heard Alex climb back down and open the door to the stairway and leave. I had to be tough. Even though I wanted to throw myself into his arms and stay there forever, I knew that I had to hold my head up high and move on with my life. He had a wife to go back to at home and I would not get in the way of his marriage. He may have done the wrong thing, but I was going to do the right thing, even if my heart couldn’t handle the pain.

  “That was fast,” said Laura when she saw me return to my desk shortly after she had.

  “I know. I didn’t have much to say to him. My heart is still beating so fast, Laura. I was hoping I wouldn’t see him today. I had to pretend I didn’t care and that was so hard to do. Alex may be a surgeon, but I know I’m stronger than him.
I have to be if I don’t want to get between him and his sick wife,” I replied.

  “You’re doing the right thing, Claire. It must be so hard, but it’s the right thing,” she assured. “Now all you have to do is eat. I noticed you hardly touched your food during lunch.

  “I know I know. I’m going to try harder to eat because I’m really running out of energy,” I replied.

  <><><>

  On my drive home, I called Kristen to ask her about Mancini Dance Studio. She was so excited that I wanted to check it out.

  “You just have to fill out some paperwork with basic information. They determine what level you’re at by testing you. It’s kind of like an audition, I guess. The instructor does a small skit and you try to mimic it. That way, they can determine what classes you should sign up for. You’re obviously not a beginner, you’re pretty intermediate, if not advanced,” she said.

  Kristen was very informative and happy to hear from me. I was to go to the studio the following night after work to see for myself if I liked it and to hopefully sign up. I hadn’t seen Kristen in a very long time and was happy I would finally get to see her and possibly dance with her again. I needed to bury myself in activities to get over my emotional stresses. I would do whatever it took to get over Alex, so he could go on with his life with Angela, as a good husband should.

  My parents did not know about what had happened with Alex. I would talk to them about it someday, but did not feel like doing it anytime soon. I knew it would upset them and they would feel really bad for me. I just didn’t want to burden them with my drama.

  I drove to Whole Foods on the way home to pick up some protein powder. I decided, since I didn’t want to eat anything, maybe I could drink a high protein smoothie in the mornings to give me energy like Alex had made for me once. I purchased the protein powder, frozen berries, spinach, and flax seed. I was determined that I would not lose another pound. I needed to gain a few pounds to get back to a normal weight for my height. I felt the sadness return when I parked my car in the garage and went inside my condo. I was alone again, without Alex. My heart felt heavy and the tears began to fill my eyes. I hadn’t cried all day and it had just built up inside me. I let it all out, sobbing until I was exhausted. I wanted to do yoga, but had no energy.

  I filled up the bathtub and soaked in it for a long time, the tears streaming down my face. I dressed and headed downstairs after what seemed like the longest bath I had taken in my entire life. I felt very relaxed and forced myself to eat a banana I had bought from the grocery store. I was able to eat half, which was good enough. I took some vitamins to supplement the missing nutrients in my body.

  I opened a bottle of wine and poured a glass for myself and sat in front of the television once again, hoping to find something funny to watch. My phone rang just then. It was Katherine asking me how I was doing.

  “Hey, Kathy, how are you?” I asked.

  “How am I? Tell me how you’re doing,” she replied.

  “Actually, I think I’m doing pretty good. Thanks for yesterday. I don’t know what I would do without you,” I said.

  “I’m glad you’re okay, Claire. Did anything happen at work today?” she asked. I told her about my encounter with Alex and how quick and cold I had been with him.

  “Good for you. Don’t let him see how upset you are. Make him think you are totally okay and ready to move on. Don’t give him any reason to think he can come back to you at any given time, especially since his wife is sick. I really want to know what’s wrong with her, Claire. Don’t you wonder about that?” she asked.

  “Of course I do. But it’s a medical issue and probably confidential, so it will stay that way unless she wants the world to know,” I replied. I told Katherine about going to the dance studio the following day. She was happy that I was going to do something other than cry and mope around.

  “You know, when I saw Alex today, I noticed he hadn’t shaved. He looked like a mess, Kathy. He’s always put together so well, but today he was a real mess,” I said.

  “He still loves you, Claire. He still loves you, but is with another woman. Give him a break,” she replied.

  “I’m so angry, Kathy. I’m so angry about everything that has happened to me. Why can’t I just be happy? Why can’t I just find someone without any baggage? I just want to have an uncomplicated life. I wonder if they have children together. I recall Alex telling me how much he loved children and has always wanted to have them,” I said.

  “Just don’t think about him, Claire. You need to occupy your mind with other things. You’re going to drive yourself crazy,” she advised.

  I talked to Katherine for another ten minutes as I sipped on the wine. Before I knew it, the bottle was empty. I had finished an entire bottle of wine by myself once again. I had more alcohol in my body than food. I refused to sleep in my bed again that night. I fell asleep on the couch watching television, borderline drunk from the bottle of wine. I awakened with a headache the following morning, but it wasn’t anything a couple of aspirin couldn’t fix. I took the aspirin and took a quick shower. I made myself the smoothie and forced it down. If I was going to start dancing again, I needed calories and energy.

  I was like a zombie on the drive to work. I had no idea how I had gotten there until I was parking my car in the parking structure. My mind was so preoccupied with questions and crazy thoughts that I was present physically, but not mentally.

  “Good morning. You look a hell of a lot better than yesterday, girl,” Laura greeted me with a big smile.

  “I feel a hell of a lot better than yesterday,” I replied, smiling back at her. “You see, Laura, the problem is that I will feel great until I run into Alex. That’s the biggest problem about dating someone from the workplace. After you break up, you have to face them every day and that feels like hell,” I replied.

  “I hear you. I’m sorry. Hang in there,” she said and we faced another busy morning.

  I opened my email to find one from Walter asking if I could set up the next meeting with the surgical team for that Thursday morning. My heart dropped. Just when I thought I might have a good day, I had to be proven wrong. I took a couple of deep breaths and sent out the meeting invitation to all the surgeons. I prayed very hard that Alex would be unable to make it to that meeting. I told Laura about my situation and she offered to cover the meeting for me, but I declined her offer, “Thank you, Laura, but that wouldn’t look too good and Walter would wonder why you’re covering for me,” I explained.

  “That’s true, but if you change your mind, don’t hesitate to ask me,” she smiled.

  I was looking forward to visiting the dance studio that evening. The thought of that kept a smile on my face throughout the day. In the afternoon, the meeting invitation responses began to flow in. My heart stopped beating for a minute when I received a response from Alex that he would be available. Of course Mark and Taryn accepted the invitation also.

  “Let’s go eat,” Laura was at my desk ready for lunch. I didn’t have an appetite, but I knew I had to eat if I wanted to start dancing again.

  “Oh, uh, that’s right. It’s lunchtime. Falafel?” I asked.

  “That sounds mouthwatering,” she replied as we headed to one of our favorite places for lunch. I picked at my food as usual but managed to eat almost half of what was on my plate, which was a great accomplishment. I heard a voice I recognized at the eatery, I turned my head to see Alex and Taryn walking inside. My heart sank suddenly. Taryn was her usual loud self and Alex still looked like a mess. I turned my head back quickly and looked at Laura, my eyes wide.

  “Why is this happening to me, Laura? Why couldn’t they eat elsewhere?” I whispered.

  “I’m done with my food if you are. We can leave now if you’d like,” she whispered back.

  “Yes, please. I’m sorry,” I apologized.

  “Don’t apologize, Claire. I can’t imagine how you must feel,” she replied, genuinely.

  We left quickly, not even glancing at Alex.
I didn’t know how long I would be running from him. I could not face him after what he had done to me. I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide from the world, to isolate myself, just as long as it took me to get over the heartache, but that was not an option. I had to face it all head on and it was so unfair.

  We walked back from lunch very slowly. My legs felt heavy as if I had exercised for hours. Laura could tell something was wrong because I was very quiet and felt so down.

  “Claire, I think what you need right now is a new relationship. A new boyfriend might get your mind off of Alex,” she said.

  “No, Laura. A new boyfriend would be the rebound guy and I don’t want that. I just need to be on my own for now and find myself again. I am not well after what happened and I need to heal,” I replied.

  She gave me a hug and we went back to face our work. I received a text from Alex shortly after I returned from lunch.

  I’m sorry. I didn’t know you and Laura were eating there. I wish you had stayed. I would have left if it made you happy.

  Enjoy your lunch with the too blond, too orange, and too blue woman. I’m sure your wife would be very happy to see you have found yourself a new bimbo.

  I have absolutely no interest in Taryn and you know that. We really need to talk. Please give me a chance to explain.

  Your chances ran out a long time ago.

  My last text kept Alex quiet for the remainder of the day. He had his chances to tell me what he should have told me a long time ago. I was all about giving people a second chance, but this situation had brutalized me. It was going to take quite a bit of time for my scars to heal, maybe even more time than it took me to get over the attack.

  <><><>

  After work I drove to the dance studio to sign up and meet with Kristen. I plugged in the address into my navigation and headed to Century City. I pulled up in front of a very modern large brown building with Mancini Dance Studio displayed in red on the front of the building. Half of the building was glass and had a very modern architectural touch.