Pursuit For Lucidity (Crashing Waves)

by Marie Jem

  When I was angry, I wasn’t afraid or anxious as I normally was. Anger was my way of covering up those feelings, so I could face the days. I didn’t know how to shut off the anger once it was turned on. I knew I would need to talk to my mother or one of her colleagues about everything I had been feeling. It wasn’t like me to do what I did to Taryn that morning. I had to admit that it did come in handy and somebody needed to put that witch in her place and I had no regrets about it.

  <><><>

  That evening in dance class, Stefano seemed very happy. He had an extra hop in his step and I had a feeling Mandy had a lot to do with that. He was easy on us in class, so I wasn’t completely exhausted as I normally would be.

  “You look awfully happy today, mister,” I said, smiling.

  “Maybe a little,” he replied with a wink.

  “You didn’t call me or text me with the date details yesterday. I hope you had a good time,” I said.

  “Mandy is really something, Claire. She’s so much like you. Maybe that’s why I find her so amazing. I know I shouldn’t be comparing, but I just can’t help it,” he confessed.

  Stefano told me about their romantic date at a beachfront restaurant. He went on and on about how much they had in common and had planned another date for Friday night. It was good to see Stefano happy. I was a little sad that we wouldn’t be spending much time together, since he would be busy with Mandy, but I was happy my matchmaking had been a success.

  I was very drowsy on the drive home. I could hardly wait to get home and soak in that warm bathtub. That was exactly what I did that evening. I drew a bath and soaked in it until my skin shriveled up and called it a night after a large glass of chardonnay. I would be going to bed early that night in result of the horrible, exhausting morning I had had.

  Unfortunately, it wasn’t the dreamless night that I had hoped for. The nightmare was out to get me again. I was running really fast and saw the white van appear out of nowhere, as I tried to run past it as fast as I could. I could see the shadow of the person chasing me and finally caught up to me, grabbing me by the waist. It was Alex. I collapsed and awakened with a scream, drenched in sweat. I changed out of my pajamas quickly and wasn’t very successful with sleep for the remainder of the night.

  <><><>

  The following morning, I had to drag myself out of bed. I showered and dressed for work, but did not have an appetite for a smoothie and did not want to spill it all over myself as I had the morning before. I didn’t begin the day with an encounter with Taryn, so it wasn’t such a bad start after all. The morning went by quickly as Laura and I were extremely busy until the wee hours of the afternoon. I didn’t hear from Alex that day, thankfully, and neither did I hear from or see Taryn. I wasn’t in the mood for ballet class that night, but I forced myself to go anyway. I left class a little early, as I was very tired and sluggish. The nightmare had kept me awake for so many hours the night before that my drowsiness had caught up to me.

  Wednesday morning I ran into Alex in the elevator. Neither one of us looked at the other or said anything. I knew he was upset about the last text I had sent him and I just didn’t want to speak to him. I rushed out of the elevator without even a ‘good morning’ or even a ‘hi’. I felt angry that day, so I decided I wouldn’t even speak, since I had nothing nice to say.

  I kept thinking about the upcoming family dinner and began to feel nervous for Calvin. I couldn’t even imagine how it was going to be. I got knots in my stomach when I thought about how it was going to go. I prayed and prayed that it go smoothly.

  Five o’clock finally came around and I changed for dance class and headed in that direction. Stefano was in the reception area as I entered the studio. He smiled big when he saw me.

  “Hello there. Ready for class?” he asked.

  “Of course. I’m always ready to dance,” I said.

  After dance class was over, Mandy came to the studio to meet Stefano and go out for a drink. She looked even more beautiful without the Cleopatra costume. She had long medium brown hair and dark green eyes and a very beautiful smile. Stefano introduced us again, since we may not recognize each other without the wigs.

  “Hi, Claire. It’s so good to see you again. Thank you for introducing me to Stefano on Saturday. He kept me company and made sure I got home safe,” she said.

  “I’m so glad I was able to help. You guys have a great evening,” I replied and headed out to my car. As I was driving home, I realized the following day was Halloween. I usually went to my parents’ house on Halloween, so I could greet the trick or treaters. I called my mother to let her know I would go there on Halloween.

  “I was about to call and ask you if you’d like to come tomorrow. I know how much you like to give out candy to the kids,” she replied.

  “Great minds think alike, right mom?” I asked.

  “That’s right, sweetheart. See you tomorrow,” she said.

  With those plans made, I showered as soon as I got home and made myself some chamomile tea and sipped away.

  <><><>

  There was a policy at the hospital that did not allow employees to dress up for Halloween as it may frighten patients. I noticed employees dressed in black and orange with festive fashion jewelry. Laura was going to take her little cousin’s trick or treating with her fiancé. Stefano had mentioned that he was going to Mandy’s sister’s house to take her niece and nephew trick or treating. I knew I was going to be comfortable and cozy at my parents’. Halloween wasn’t my favorite holiday, so I didn’t care what I did. I enjoyed looking at the children dressed up in their adorable costumes. When I arrived at my parents’ house, I noticed quite a few children at the front door already.

  “Trick or treat,” they said with their little voices and adorable costumes. I wanted to talk to my mother about my anger and other emotional issues, but there were too many children constantly at the door. I decided to wait until after Calvin came out the following night to discuss my issues. I stayed at their house for a few hours until there were no more trick or treaters left, as it was getting pretty late.

  On my way home, I realized the next day was Friday and felt the butterflies fluttering in my stomach for Calvin when I recalled what he was about to confess. I thought about calling him, but didn’t want to bother him in case he was at a Halloween party or out with friends. It was probably not a good idea to call him and remind him about coming out of the closet in front of the family during dinner.

  <><><>

  Friday morning the weather was perfect. The sun shined bright in the sky and the skies were crystal clear, but it was very cold. I had to bundle up in a coat with a cashmere scarf around my neck at an attempt to stay warm. It really felt like the first day of November. I cranked up the heater in my car and by the time I made it to work, I was hot. Laura said my cheeks were very pink and I explained my need for the heater on full blast in the car. She was craving bacon and eggs for breakfast, so I accompanied her to the cafeteria to get food. I noticed Taryn from the corner of my eye, but did not turn her way. I wanted to avoid that woman at all costs.

  “She was really eyeing you, Claire. I think she wanted you to make eye contact with her, so she could scare you. I’m glad you didn’t budge,” Laura said.

  “I’m feeling nice today, not angry, so I will stay away from her,” I said, making Laura laugh loudly. We returned to the department and began our busy day with the phones ringing nonstop for Walter. I didn’t know how he handled his stress or people like Taryn. Some people were just born to take on difficult tasks and difficult people. I had a lot of respect for those people, such as Walter. There was a good reason why his hair was turning gray.

  Laura was so full from her large breakfast that she didn’t even want to think about lunch, but I was starving. I walked to the Cuban deli to order a sandwich. I walked in and waited in line to order. I heard familiar voices behind me and slowly turned my head only to see Alex, Taryn, and Mark. I felt sick to my stomach and lost my appetite. I got out of
the line I was in and left the deli. I headed to the falafel place and ordered a sandwich from there instead. I would have to force it down, so that I didn’t starve until dinner. I received a text from Alex.

  I apologize if my presence offended you. I will connect with you next time to let you know where I will be dining, so you can avoid those eateries.

  I’m not sure if it was your presence or Satan and Cruella Deville that I was offended by. By the way, you really need a haircut and a clean shave.

  He didn’t respond to my last text just as I had hoped. I got the sandwich from the falafel place and walked back to work. I ate quietly at my desk as I worked for the remainder of the day. I told Laura that I wished she had gone with me to pick up lunch, as the three people that I tried so much to avoid were all in line behind me.

  “I really feel for you. Not one, not two, but all three, huh?” she asked.

  “Yes, all three. I told Alex he needs a haircut and a clean shave,” I said.

  “No, you didn’t. Are you in your mean mode again?” she asked.

  “Well, I didn’t say it to his face. It was part of a text. I’m beginning to feel that I need to turn off my phone or just avoid replying to his texts all together. Since I can’t seem to say anything nice these days, I should probably just shut my mouth and not say anything at all,” I replied.

  Laura laughed, “I didn’t say it, you did.”

  I had packed a pair of jeans to change into after work before I headed to Calabasas. I didn’t want to be uncomfortable in my professional clothes all night at the family dinner. Five o’clock came around and I changed quickly. I knew traffic would be horrendous, since it was a Friday night and I didn’t want to be late and make Calvin even more nervous than he probably already was.

  Chapter 18

  My horrendous traffic prediction was accurate. It began to drizzle and everyone began to slow down for no apparent reason. I knew it was going to be a while until I made it to my destination. Calvin called me to let me know he was stuck in traffic as well. I comforted him as much as I could, since he was extremely nervous about coming out in front of the family.

  After over an hour on the wet road, I made it to my parents’ house. I parked my car on the circular driveway and ran inside, but still managed to get wet from all the rain. I headed inside and hugged my mother.

  “Hi sweetheart. You’re all wet. It must have started raining hard again,” she said, feeling my wet hair. I went into the family room where my father was on his cell phone with a client. He smiled and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

  Calvin arrived shortly after I did. I gave him a hug and a kiss and whispered in his ear assuring him that everything was going to go smoothly that night. Kyle and Molly called to let us know they were on their way, but the traffic was slowing them down as well. I went into the kitchen to see what my mother had cooked. I was pleased to find steak, baked potato and a green salad.

  Just as I was beginning to starve, Kyle and Molly finally arrived. We all hugged and kissed as if we hadn’t seen each other in decades. The last time I had seen Molly, Alex and I were still together.

  “How are you doing?” she asked.

  “I’m doing pretty good, I guess. How are you, Molly. Gosh, we need to get together more often,” I told her.

  “Yes, we do,” she agreed.

  My father was finally off the phone and it was dinnertime. Molly and I helped my mother take the food to the dinner table. It smelled so delicious that I couldn’t wait to put the first bite in my mouth. I took a seat right next to Calvin as Molly and Kyle sat across from us, and my mother and father each took a seat at their usual seats at the head of the table across from one another.

  The conversations were all over the place. We talked about school, politics, work, and even fashion. Calvin looked very uneasy. My mother picked up on his anxious state.

  “Cal, honey, are you feeling all right?” she asked.

  “Yeah, mom. Why?” he asked, in a shaky voice.

  Then she steered her attention in my direction, “Claire, sweetheart, you’re looking so much better lately. You’re not so thin anymore. I mean, you’re thin, don’t get me wrong, but you don’t look like a stick as you did the last time you had dinner here,” she explained.

  “Thanks, mom. I guess I should take that as a compliment,” I smiled.

  I looked over at Calvin, trying to communicate with him using my eyes, but he just wasn’t able to speak. I figured he was probably waiting for dessert to break the news. After we ate, I helped my mother take the dishes into the kitchen and bring out the fruit tart and dessert dishes. We all devoured the fruit tart my mother had baked herself. Calvin kept drying his sweaty palms as he had done when he had taken me out to dinner to come out of the closet. He looked as if he was going to faint.

  “I could use a little help,” he whispered to me.

  “What do you want me to do?” I asked.

  “Maybe you should say it,” he said.

  “Me?” I opened my eyes as wide as they would open.

  Calvin began to speak, “Okay everyone. I have some news I would like to share with you all. Uh, I uh, I don’t know how, uh,” he looked at me tongue-tied. I knew he wanted me to take over.

  “What Calvin is trying to say is that he is gay,” I blurted out. Calvin took a big sigh of relief as if a ton of bricks had been lifted off his chest. There was nothing but silence. Everyone just looked around at everyone else. Everything was in slow motion. My mother was the first to say something.

  “Oh, Calvin, really? I’m surprised. This is such a shock,” for the first time in her life my mother didn’t have much to say.

  “Whatever floats your boat, bro,” was Kyle’s response.

  “You look happy, Calvin, and that’s all that matters,” Molly said.

  My father didn’t say anything. He threw down his napkin onto his dessert dish and left the table. It sounded as if he went into his home office and shut the door loudly. Calvin looked disappointed and sad so my mother assured him, “Oh, sweetheart, I think your father is just very shocked. Give him some time to come around. He obviously wasn’t expecting this tonight,” she explained. “We all know he’s not homophobic, so it will just take some time to absorb the news,” she added.

  Calvin stood up, “I’m going to go talk to him,” he said and headed for the office.

  Kyle, Molly and I helped my mother clear the table and loaded the dishwasher. My mother made hot chocolate and we enjoyed that in the family room in front of the fireplace. We all chatted for at least an hour as Calvin and my father were still in the office.

  Finally, after what it seemed like an eternity, they came out of the office and joined us. Calvin winked at me and I knew everything went well. I felt so relieved that I released a big sigh of relief as Calvin had done earlier. I looked at my father to see if I could read him, but all I could make out was that he was happy. I began to yawn which triggered everyone else’s yawn and we all laughed. I had a full stomach topped off with warm hot cocoa and felt ready for bed. Kyle, Molly, and Calvin were also feeling a little tired and were ready to head out. We said our goodbyes and slowly left my parents’ home. I was happy with the way the evening had turned out and how smoothly Calvin’s news had gone. It was raining so much heavier out that we all ran as quickly as we could to our cars and got inside before we were soaked.

  On the drive home, my phone rang. It was Melissa. I wondered why she was calling me and what she could possibly need.

  “Hi Claire, it’s Melissa. How are you? I’m sorry if I’m calling you at a bad time, but I just wanted to let you know that there’s another really nice fashion show coming up next month and I could get you in for free if you’d like,” she said. Why was she asking me and not her sister in law?

  “It’s nice to hear from you, Melissa. I don’t think I would feel comfortable accepting that offer, though. Why don’t you ask Angela?” I advised.

  “Maybe because I feel more comfortable around my brother’s ex
girlfriend than his ex wife,” she laughed.

  “Ex wife? Angela left him? I don’t blame her, to be honest. She probably couldn’t handle the fact that her husband was having an affair while she was in a hospital recovering from…what did she have, anyway? Cancer?” I asked, dying from curiosity.

  “Angela? Cancer? No way,” she chuckled. “First of all, they had been separated since Alex’s last birthday over a year ago. She was giving him a very hard time and refused to sign divorce papers. She didn’t have cancer, Claire. She was in a ninety-day drug rehabilitation program. Alex didn’t cheat on Angela. She cheated on him, hence the separation. Didn’t Alex tell you anything?” She asked.

  “Drug rehab? You mean she’s not really sick or dying? She doesn’t live with Alex?” My questions would have been endless, but I had to limit them.

  “She hasn’t lived with Alex for over a year, Claire. I think you should talk to Alex and he can fill you in on his soap opera life. I kept pushing him to mention Angela to you while you were dating, but he kept chickening out. I felt really bad for him when she showed up that one Sunday. I thought by now he would have told you everything, though,” she said.

  “He would have if I had given him the chance. I feel like such a jerk, Melissa. Can I get back to you regarding the fashion show?” I asked, my mind elsewhere.

  “Sure, just let me know within a week if you can. Claire, I’m sorry if I upset you or opened a can of worms. I need to learn to keep my mouth shut.” she apologized.

  “Actually, Melissa, you clarified a lot of things for me. Thank you,” I said before we hung up. My mind was overflowing with questions. Why did Angela spend three months in a drug rehab and what type of a drug addiction did she have? Who did she cheat on Alex with? All along I thought the woman was sick and Alex was the selfish husband who wanted his cake and eat it too. I had it all wrong. I couldn’t concentrate or focus on my driving. I stopped the car and turned it around and headed to Alex’s house. The rain was coming down hard. The windshield wipers were working on overtime and I could hardly see in front of me. More thoughts flooded my mind on the way to Alex’s house. Would he be home? Would he be alone? What if there was a woman in his house? I had spent plenty of time with Stefano myself, although we hadn’t become intimate. I had to at least apologize or give him the chance he had been begging for to tell me his story. I wanted to call him, but I had been so mean to him that past week that I feared he would tell me he didn’t want to see me.