Pursuit For Lucidity (Crashing Waves)

by Marie Jem

  “I thought you’d never ask,” he said, his eyes brightening.

  “It’s been very difficult sleeping without you next to me. I was sleeping on the sofa downstairs for a few weeks after our split. It took a long time to make it through an entire night in my bed alone,” I confessed.

  “It’s interesting that you say that, Claire, as I have spent most nights on the couch also. It took many glasses of scotch to get me through those nights,” he said, looking down.

  “And it took me quite a few bottles of wine,” I laughed.

  Alex took my hand into his as an idea popped into his mind. “Let’s make a promise to one another. No matter how bad things are or how angry we are at one another, we will never sleep apart,” he said.

  “I like that promise,” I replied.

  “Let’s seal that promise with a kiss,” he said and leaned over and kissed me softly on my lips.

  After we were finished eating, I cleaned up the kitchen as much as I could, since nobody was going to be there during the week. Alex packed his bag for the week and we headed back to my place in separate cars, since my weekend visit had not been a planned one.

  <><><>

  When Alex entered my condo, the first thing he noticed was the missing crystal vase he had gotten for me. I took it out of its’ hiding place and put it back on the dining table.

  “I put it away because I just couldn’t look at it every day after our break up. I was so angry that I even thought about throwing it against the wall and breaking it, but I held myself together and just put it out of sight,” I confessed.

  Alex walked over to me and held me tightly, my head against his chest. “I’m glad you didn’t break it. I can imagine how you felt, though,” he said kissing me on my forehead. “It feels so good to be back here, Claire. I missed being here with you. You know, I still have your gate remote and house key, right? Do you know how many times I was tempted to come here and surprise you with flowers and beg you to listen to what I had to say? I refrained in fear that you may push me away further and decline my request to hear me out. I made it as far as the front door, but ended up leaving each time,” he said.

  I knew Alex still had the keys and gate remote. Maybe in the back of my mind I wanted him to pay me a surprise visit. I didn’t know why I never asked him to return those items when I returned all of his belongings to him that rainy Sunday I had met Angela.

  “Claire, what triggered your visit to me on Friday night in all that rain? Why the sudden curiosity about my story?” he asked.

  “You can thank your sister for that. If it wasn’t for her fashion show invitation for next month, I still wouldn’t have known that you and Angela are getting a divorce and that she’s not dying from cancer,” I explained.

  “I better get her a very nice Christmas gift,” he said as we both laughed.

  Alex kept reminding me of my birthday the following weekend. I told him that I really did not want anything and I was the happiest girl in the world to have him in my life. As long as Alex and I were together, I would forfeit every birthday and Christmas present for as long as I lived.

  I didn’t know when or how I was going to tell my family and friends about him. I felt nervous, as Calvin had been before coming out of the closet. I would have to tell my mother first, since I knew my father wouldn’t take it as easily and be as understanding as she would.

  Alex followed me upstairs to my bedroom, where I got my duffle bag ready with my dance clothing for the following evening. He looked a bit uncomfortable because he knew Stefano was my dance instructor. I could tell he wanted to say or ask something, but he was holding back.

  “Maybe I will go to the gym after work tomorrow, since you have a dance class. That way we will both be home at approximately the same time. What time do you usually get home after dance?” he asked.

  “I’m usually home by eight,” I replied. I continued to try and read him, but it was difficult to tell whether he was upset or unhappy or fine with the fact that I would be in dance class four nights a week.

  “Do me a favor, Claire. Don’t fall in love with your dance instructor,” he grinned. It was nice to hear humor in his voice.

  “It’s too late for that because I’ve already fallen in love with you,” I said, smiling as I gave him a big kiss. I couldn’t wait to take a shower and slip into my own pajamas. Alex’s t-shirts had been very comfortable, but I really missed my pajamas.

  After our shower, I dried my hair and headed downstairs to make some hot cocoa. Alex started the fire in the fireplace and I joined him on the sofa, so we could enjoy our evening sipping on cocoa. We caught up on the things that had happened in our lives during the time we had split up. I told Alex about Calvin and his jaw dropped just as mine had when Calvin first told me he was gay.

  “No way. That’s a surprise. Your brother was gay all these years and you didn’t suspect anything?” he asked.

  “Well, I kind of suspected something when I realized he didn’t have very many girlfriends, considering he’s very good looking. I always thought if he were gay he would have definitely told me years ago,” I replied.

  “I can’t imagine keeping something like that a secret, especially from my family,” he said. “We really have a lot of things to catch up on, don’t we?” he asked as we both laughed.

  I also confessed that I had warned Taryn in the elevator and that what she had told Alex was somewhat true. He looked at me and began to laugh, “I knew it! I knew you had really cornered her and told her off. She was very upset. She said you threatened her and she was a bit dramatic about it,” he said.

  “Of course she was dramatic about it and probably exaggerated the whole thing. She was trying to make you feel sorry for her, so she can get you into her panties, Alex. Open your eyes,” I said, grinning. “Do me a favor and please don’t fall in love with Taryn. I wouldn’t mind as much if you were to leave me for a normal woman, but not Taryn. Anyone but that woman, please. That would hurt me more than you going back to Angela,” I said.

  “Hmm…it’s way too late for that because my heart has been captured by a beautiful, young, sexy, smart, and caring girl by the name of Claire. She’s one of a kind and women like Taryn wish they could be half as perfect as my Claire,” he smiled.

  “Exactly the answer I was waiting for,” I winked. “Tell me, what have I done in my life to deserve such a perfect man such as you, Alex. I feel as though this whole weekend is a dream and I may wake up and fall into the dark hole I have been in for weeks,” I confessed.

  “It’s not a dream, baby. All the good things that happen to us in the future will all be a reality,” he said as he put his cup on the coffee table and put his arms around me. The fire made the living room so cozy and Alex’s body heat made it even more cozy. I could have stayed on that couch in front of that fire all night. I put my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes. I must have fallen asleep because I had the horrible nightmare and awakened with a scream. My heart was beating so fast that I thought it was going to come out of my chest any second. I had to go back upstairs and change out of my pajamas as I was soaking wet. Alex said he heard me mumble something while I was asleep, but didn’t know I was having a nightmare until I awakened with a scream. I prayed every night that there would be an end to these nightmares, but my prayers had not been answered. I wouldn’t give up on praying, as I knew one day God would help put an end to it all.

  <><><>

  Alex turned off the fire in the living room and followed me upstairs, since it was getting late and we both had to wake up early and head to work the following morning. I realized my bed wasn’t empty anymore, since Alex was in it with me and I wasn’t alone. He pulled my body close to his until there was absolutely no space between us. At that moment, I didn’t care if I had another nightmare. I felt safe next to him and I knew nothing could harm me as long as he was with me. I could feel his warm breath on my cheek as he kissed me with his hot lips, moving them to my ear lobes and neck. I was instantly out of b
reath and so easily aroused by his gentle, warm kisses.

  My breathing quickened as his kisses multiplied. My heart began to race as it had downstairs, but this time for a different reason. His hands were everywhere on my body starting at my breasts, my abdomen, my hips, my bottom, my thighs and finally ending up down there. I could feel his erection hard against my body as he continued to kiss me everywhere. Before I knew it, he was inside me, moving slowly. The slower he moved the more I yearned for him to quicken his pace. He knew exactly what I wanted and how to make me ask for more. He knew how to make me beg for more. The more I begged, the slower he continued to make love to me.

  “Tell me what you want, baby,” he commanded, his thrusts very slow and gentle.

  “Go deeper and faster,” I replied, out of breath.

  “Beg for it, baby,” he replied.

  “Please, Alex,” I begged as I moved as much as I could to reach my climax quicker.

  “Stop. Don’t move. I will do the moving,” he commanded.

  “I can’t take it anymore, Alex. Please go deeper and faster,” I begged.

  He began to quicken his pace just a bit and I could feel him penetrating a little deeper. I was so close yet Alex wasn’t letting me get there, as he didn’t let me move. He said I should enjoy every second of it.

  “I’m almost there too, baby. We will come together,” he said, and after just a few more thrusts, I yelled out so loudly that I frightened myself. Alex came at the same time, groaning out of control. That night’s lovemaking session was by far the most intense. We were both out of breath and did not want to let go of one another. Alex finally pulled himself out of me, but did not let go of me. “I can’t keep my hands off of you, baby. Promise me we will never be apart again,” he said.

  “I promise, Alex. I love you,” I said with heavy eyelids.

  “I love you too, Claire. I love you more than anything in this world,” were the last words I recall from that night.

  <><><>

  Alex kissed me goodbye early in the morning before he had to leave for work. He had an early morning surgery, so he had to be at work before seven. I didn’t want to face a new week and wished we had at least another day in that weekend.

  “Mmm…do you have to leave?” I asked with my eyes half closed.

  “Yeah, baby, I have to leave, but I’ll see you tonight. I miss you already,” he whispered into my ear and headed downstairs and out the door.

  I went back to sleep after Alex left, since I had at least another hour before my alarm went off. I had difficulty pulling myself out of bed that morning. I wondered if it were from the late night activities. I made myself a cup of coffee instead of my usual morning smoothie. It was crucial that my eyelids stayed open on the drive to work. My heart was filled with so much happiness that morning that I was afraid it would burst. Every time I thought about Alex my heart skipped a beat and fluttering butterflies occupied my stomach.

  When I walked into the department, Evelyn’s smile told me she was happy about something. As I headed to my desk, I noticed a very large arrangement of red roses. Laura was beaming and I knew she couldn’t wait another second for me to open the card to see who sent it. I didn’t need to read to know who sent me those roses. I knew it was from my Alex.

  To my beautiful Claire,

  I cannot put into words what this weekend meant to me. You are truly an amazing woman and I want to thank you for giving me the chance to tell you my story. I also want to thank you for being so understanding and most of all for your decision to stay with me after learning about my difficult past. I love you with all my heart.

  Love always,

  Alex

  “Claire? Claire, who is it from?” Laura could not take it anymore.

  “Huh? Oh, it’s from Alex,” I whispered so the other ladies wouldn’t hear.

  “Oh my God. What does the card say? Why do you look so happy? Normally you would be upset if he talked to you, texted you, emailed you or sent you flowers,” she replied.

  “Laura, we really need to have lunch together today,” I said, smiling.

  “You bet we do. Your smile is telling me something really good happened over the weekend and I can’t wait to hear about it,” she stated.

  I couldn’t stop admiring the beautiful basket of roses. There were so many. I counted three dozen. I decided to text Alex and thank him. I knew he was in the operating room in surgery, but he would get the message afterwards.

  Thank you for the beautiful roses. You really made my day. I would be a fool if I chose not to stay with you. You are everything I have ever dreamed of and more. I love you.

  It was difficult to concentrate on work that morning. All I kept thinking about was the weekend and how things had changed and gone back to normal in just a few days. I felt like a teenager in love with a celebrity who was also in love with me. I had to pinch myself a few times to confirm that I was not dreaming.

  The phones did not stop ringing at work that morning. It was one of those very busy days. Every time Laura and I tried to have a conversation, we were interrupted by the phone calls. She was getting very impatient to hear at least one thing about my weekend, but we could not get a few words in at all. I told her she would have to wait for lunchtime.

  We went to lunch a little earlier that day. Our usual falafel place was quiet enough for us to enjoy a delicious lunch and some girl talk. I told Laura everything about my weekend, beginning with Melissa’s phone call about the fashion show the following month. Laura didn’t utter a word during my story until I was finished, but her expression said it all. She was excited for me.

  “See, I told you he must have something important to tell you. I’m so glad you heard him out, Claire. You look so happy you’re glowing. And the huge basket of roses he sent you was such a sweet gesture. You just wait until Mark and Taryn hear of your rekindled love,” she laughed. As Laura and I were finishing our lunch, I received a text from Alex.

  It was just something small to put a smile on your face on a Monday morning. I’m glad you liked them. Did you eat yet?

  I just ate with Laura. We are about to head back. Did you want something from the falafel place?

  No, baby. Thank you for asking. I’m going to get something light from the cafeteria before I go across the street to the clinic. Let’s go to Bradley’s for lunch tomorrow. I haven’t been there since the last time we were there together. I will see you at home tonight. I love you and miss you already.

  We will go to Bradley’s for sure tomorrow. I love you too. See you tonight.

  Laura and I headed back to the hospital to face the remainder of that busy day together. I had dance class that evening and was glad Alex didn’t give me a hard time about Stefano after our little disagreement that weekend. I sure was looking forward to going home to Alex that night. I no longer felt anxious or sad. I no longer felt the anger towards him as I had felt before Friday night. I was happy, happier than I could recall being. I received another text from Alex a few hours after lunch asking if I could take that Friday off from work. When I asked why he just said he would tell me about it later on that night.

  I put in my request for that Friday off and Walter approved it immediately. I wondered what he had planned for me that required a day off from work. Five o’clock came around rather quickly and I changed into my dance clothes and drove to the studio.

  <><><>

  Stefano greeted me in the reception area of the studio with a smile.

  “Hey, stranger. How have you been? Most importantly, where have you been?” he asked, curiosity all over his face.

  “Hello, friend. I’ve been really good, thanks for asking. I returned your text to let you know I was staying at a friend’s house this weekend,” I replied.

  “Is this a friend I know?” he asked.

  “You don’t know this friend, but you’ve heard his name from me quite a few times, especially after I had a few too many drinks,” I hinted.

  “Oh no! Alex?” he exclaimed.
r />   “Maybe,” I said, smiling.

  “Claire, isn’t he married?” he whispered, pulling me aside.

  “Not really, well, not anymore. He’s going through a divorce. We will talk about it some other time. How is Mandy?” I asked.

  “All right. As long as you’re not shacking up with a married man, I’m cool. Mandy is amazing and a half. I’m really falling for her. And you look like you’re beaming with joy after your weekend getaway,” he said, sarcastically.

  “Let’s go, teacher. Start the class. I want to get home on time and beam some more,” I winked.

  Stefano began the class shortly after everyone arrived. It was so difficult to get back into the swing of things that day. I felt as though I had two left feet. I could not get it together for the life of me. After a very strenuous hour of dance, the class finally came to an end. Stefano walked over to me, “So, are you sure you’re okay with this Alex? I mean, I don’t want to see you getting involved with someone who is still married and everything.”

  “Stefano, it’s ok. He’s been separated from her for over a year. They weren’t together when he and I were dating. It was a misunderstanding and now everything is understood and so clear to me. Can’t you just be happy for me?” I asked.