Pursuit For Lucidity (Crashing Waves)

by Marie Jem

  I was sitting up in the bed and Alex was sitting up next to me.

  “Claire, it’s ok. It was just another dream,” he reassured.

  “No, it’s not ok. I was running with the baby in my arms. It was like he was going to take the baby. It was so scary, Alex,” I said, sobbing.

  “Shhh, I’m here, baby. Everything is going to be fine. It was just another dream. Come here,” he said as he pulled me close to him, putting my head on his chest and running his fingers through my hair, so I could fall asleep. He knew how drowsy his hands on my hair made me. My eyelids became heavier and heavier until I succumbed to sleep in his warm, safe embrace.

  I awakened to another beautiful, sunny morning in Malibu. Alex had his head propped up with his hand and had been watching me as I slept. He smiled when I opened my eyes.

  “Mmm, good morning Alex. I love it when you’re next to me in the mornings and not in the kitchen,” I said, moving closer to him. I recalled the horrible dream I had had and it made me anxious that something was going to happen to the baby. I didn’t share my thoughts with Alex, as I knew he would only tell me that everything was going to be all right. He kissed me softly on my lips before getting out of bed to make a smoothie for me to drink for breakfast.

  “Then we will walk on the beach like we did yesterday,” he suggested.

  “Sounds great, Alex,” I replied. I climbed out of bed, dressed, and brushed my teeth, tying my hair in a ponytail. Alex brought the smoothie he had made to the bedroom. It took me some time to finish it, but I managed to do it. He looked so happy his eyes were beaming, as a parent proud of their child for something.

  We headed out for our walk on the beach before it got too hot outside. “Claire,” he began, “what are we going to do with the living situation after the baby? Do you still want us to stay at your place during the week and here on the weekends? You can rent out your place and we can live here permanently if you’d like. It wouldn’t be such a bad idea if you stayed home with the baby. I’m very financially stable, so you would never have to work a day in your life,” he said.

  “No, no, Alex. I don’t want to stay home. As far as the living situation goes, let’s just play it by ear. We could go back and forth. It would be a nice change for the baby too, weekends here at the beach and weekdays closer to my parent’s incase we need help with the baby,” I clarified.

  “Whatever makes you and the baby happy works for me, Claire,” he smiled, letting go of my hand as he put his arm around my waist. “I’m just so happy that I couldn’t care less where we live as long as we’re together,” he added.

  “That’s sweet, Alex,” I said. He stopped walking and turned me to face him.

  “What’s wrong, baby? You have that frightened look in your eyes again,” he said, looking frightened as well.

  “I guess I’m just thinking about my weird dream. Don’t worry, Alex, it’s just a little anxiety. It will go away on its’ own,” I assured.

  “It will, I promise. The holidays are coming up, so cheer up. Thanksgiving dinner at your parents’ house is this coming Thursday, remember? It was very nice of them to invite me,” he expressed.

  “Yes it was. I’m looking forward to spending the holidays with you, Alex,” I replied.

  <><><>

  We were both ready for a shower after we returned from our one-hour walk along the beach. I was still full from the smoothie Alex had made for me and didn’t even want to think about lunch or dinner. Alex began undressing me before we made it inside the house, leaving a trail of clothing on the way to the bedroom. He turned on the shower and warmed the water before I got inside. The water wasn’t as hot as he normally liked it, only warm. He shampooed my hair and lathered my body. My breasts were so sore that I hesitated when he caressed them. “I’m sorry, baby. We won’t do anything. Let’s just shower,” he said. After our shower together, I wrapped a towel around myself as I dried my hair.

  “What would you like me to make for you?” he asked.

  “Uh, whatever you want, Alex. I will share something with you. I’m still full from this morning,” I explained.

  He kissed me before heading into the kitchen to figure out what to feed me. I joined him in the kitchen after getting dressed to help him cook, but he refused to allow me to do anything.

  “I got it, baby. Just sit down and keep me company while I cook,” he said as he took out whatever he needed from the refrigerator and pantry. He made shrimp scampi and an arugula and strawberry salad. How I wished I had an appetite because Alex’s cooking was divine. I picked at the food on my plate without eating much. I felt so nervous that my palms had become sweaty.

  Alex didn’t say anything about my lack of interest in food, as he knew it would irritate me. We decided to pack our things and head to my condo where Alex promised he would do the laundry, so I wouldn’t have to worry about it. I was very quiet on the drive to my place. I felt a lump in my throat from the severity of my anxiety. I felt as if my top was choking me, but I wasn’t wearing anything close to my neck. I began to sweat and my heart rate increased. I began to cry for no reason other than fear. Alex pulled over and tried to calm me down.

  “Claire, just breathe. You’re having a panic attack. It will subside in a few minutes,” he assured. I just nodded. I knew he was right and I had been there many times before to know what to expect.

  “I’m fine, Alex. It’s going away,” I replied. He began to drive again and I noticed he had picked up speed to get us to my place quickly. I felt much better after we got to my condo and I lay down on the sofa for a while. Alex poured a large glass of water for me and I drank all of it. He did all the laundry, watered my plants, and cleaned up around my condo. He knew I liked everything clean and organized and how irate I became when things were out of place.

  “Come, let’s go to bed. I have to wake up at four in the morning,” he said, holding out his hand for me to take. I crawled into bed, but tossed and turned. Alex noticed I couldn’t sleep.

  “Insomnia?” he asked.

  “Yeah, you could say that,” I said.

  “I could help you with that,” he said, undressing me quickly before I had a chance to reply. His warm breath on my neck caused goose bumps all over my body. His lips met mine with such passion, awakening every ounce of desire I had for him. “I live for you, Claire, and I would die for you,” he whispered into my ear before entering me, igniting my fire, and causing my fingers to dig deep into his back. Every gentle thrust left me craving more and more. I yelled loudly as I came. He continued, quickening his pace until he groaned as he came. We held on tightly to one another, not wanting to let go. He had been right about helping me sleep. I was so exhausted I could not move. He took my hand into his and held it until I fell sleep.

  <><><>

  I was running fast, like there was no tomorrow, sweat dripping down my forehead. I was running with my crying baby in my arms. I was being chased and could only see the shadow of the one behind me. The faster I ran, the closer the shadow got and the white van got closer as well. I could see it from the corner of my eye. As soon as I was about to run past the van, the side door slid open abruptly as panic began to build up in my mind. My baby began to cry louder and louder as the arms of the one behind me grabbed me from the waist, my legs folding underneath me. I turned to look at the face of the one chasing me. It was Alex. As I turned to look toward the van, a pair of dirty hands grabbed my baby and drove off quickly, leaving my arms bare.

  I could hear myself scream when I awakened to find myself sitting up in my bed, drenched in sweat, panting from fear. Alex was sitting next to me, trying to console me as I continued to panic as if the dream were not only a dream. It felt so real.

  “Claire?” Alex looked frightened as I gasped for air.

  “Alex, he t-t-took our baby,” I managed to say.

  “Who took our baby?” he asked, looking puzzled.

  “The man in the white van. I was running with the baby and he pulled up in that white van and gr
abbed our baby and drove off,” I replied, still in panic mode.

  “It’s okay, baby. It was only a dream. Nobody is going to take our baby. It was just a bad dream,” he said.

  I got out of bed, changed and got back into bed next to Alex. I tried to sleep in his arms, but I could not fall asleep to save my life. I was exhausted, yet jittery. He had fallen back asleep, but there was no way I was going to be so lucky. I looked at the time and it was two o’clock in the morning. I didn’t want to toss and turn and awaken Alex. I knew he had a surgery scheduled early in the morning and only a few hours remaining for him to sleep. I snuck downstairs and made myself a cup of tea to calm me down. I flipped through magazines, but couldn’t focus on anything but my anxiety. I began to pace back and forth in the living room, since my nerves wouldn’t allow me to sit still on the sofa.

  Curious about the time, I looked at the clock to find it wasn’t even three yet. I wanted to sleep so badly, but knew that wasn’t going to happen. My mind was flooded with a premonition of something horrible coming my way. I made another cup of tea and sat on the couch once again, in high hopes of calming down my nerves. I heard footsteps as I began to sip on my tea. It was Alex coming downstairs.

  “Claire? What’s wrong?” He asked as he approached me.

  “Go back to sleep, Alex. I didn’t want to disturb you, so I came down here. I couldn’t sleep,” I said, my limbs obviously restless. He walked over to me and sat next to me on the sofa, taking my hand.

  “Baby, I’m really worried about you. You’re so nervous about nothing. This cannot be good for the baby or for you and it has to stop, Claire,” he said in his serious, Dr. Blake tone. “Come to bed, Claire. You must get some sleep,” he said, holding out his hand for me to take.

  “You were sleeping so soundly, Alex. I didn’t think you’d wake up,” I said.

  “I turned to hold you in my arms and you were missing. You know I don’t sleep well when you’re not next to me, baby,” he replied as we headed upstairs to bed. Alex held me so tightly as if he didn’t hold me that tightly, I would slip out of bed once again. His lips searched mine and found them, pressing softly against them. I felt a sudden electricity going through my body as his hands moved against my skin, beginning from my neck, to my shoulder, then to my breasts, down to my waist and finally down to my bottom, gripping it tightly as he pulled my body as close to his as humanly possible. He turned on top of me, his hardness against my body. It was so dark in the room, yet I could see the hunger in his eyes as he entered me. His lips met mine again and I could feel his warm breath inside my mouth as his tongue circled mine. He grabbed my breasts with both hands, caressing them. They were so tender, yet I felt so much pleasure at the same time as I quivered from his warm breath on my erect nipples. My body began to convulse as I moaned.

  “Come for me, baby,” he commanded.

  “Ah, Alex!” I yelled out as I came.

  He continued his gentle thrusts as he whispered into my ear, “I love you, baby,” followed by a few more thrusts which led him to groan wildly as he came, his chest collapsing on top of my breasts as he continued to come.

  “I love you too, Alex,” I replied, too exhausted to even speak. The last thing I recall is Alex pulling himself out of me, holding me closely against his body before we both drifted off into a well needed, deep state of sleep.

  <><><>

  Morning came too soon as I was sleeping so comfortably. I had slept so deep that I hadn’t even heard Alex leave for work. I had a text message from him on my cell phone.

  Good morning, Sleeping Beauty. You were sleeping so soundly that I didn’t want to awaken you. I just wanted to tell you how much I love you. Maybe we can meet for lunch this afternoon.

  Reading his message put a smile on my face that morning. I showered, dressed for work and headed out to face a short week, since that Thursday was Thanksgiving and I had taken the following day off as well. Katherine had called the night before and left a message, so I called her on my way to work. She didn’t know about the baby, so I thought I should tell her already, since we would be announcing it to family and friends soon enough and Katherine was like a sister to me.

  “Claire! I’m so happy for you and Alex. You’re going to be wonderful parents. I bet he’s exploding with happiness, since he’s wanted a child so badly. How are you feeling?” she asked.

  “Thank you, Kathy. I’m feeling fine, I guess, just a bit anxious because in seven months I will have a baby in my arms. I have good days and bad days. I get tired very easily, but other than that, I can’t complain about horrible morning sickness that other women complain about,” I replied.

  “Well, take care of yourself and let me know if you need anything. I’m totally open to babysit any time you need me. John is going to be so happy as well when I tell him. Tell Alex I’m ecstatic about the news and can’t wait to see you guys. Love you,” she said.

  I parked my car in the parking structure and headed inside the hospital building. Laura took one look at me that morning and said, “You’re not eating, are you?”

  “You must be psychic, Laura,” I replied.

  “Do you have morning sickness?” she asked.

  “No. I just don’t have an appetite. I’m anxious all the time. I feel like something bad is going to happen and Alex thinks I’m crazy, but I can’t help it, Laura. Every time I have a premonition like this, something horrible happens. It’s never failed,” I explained.

  She looked at me with her worried eyes, “I hope it fails this time,” she said. I gazed out the window quite a bit that morning, daydreaming about nothing. Alex sent me a message shortly after noon asking if I could go to Bradley’s Diner with him. I hadn’t eaten yet, so I thought it would be a good idea and I didn’t want to turn him down. I agreed to meet him by his car a quarter until one.

  “Claire,” Laura began, “Please eat something. If not for yourself then do it for the baby. I know how hard it can be to force yourself to eat when you don’t have much of an appetite, but it’s not just you anymore, remember?” she asked.

  “I know. Thanks for caring so much about me, Laura,” I smiled.

  I headed out to meet Alex by his car, so we could go to lunch together. I noticed he was on the phone with someone and he didn’t look too happy. As I got closer to him, I realized he was speaking with Angela. My appetite diminished even more by the thought of Angela and her drug addiction drama.

  “Angela, you know you’re not supposed to be calling me. I already told you that I do not have any money to give you in support of your drug habit. No, I’m not a monster. Have your lawyer call mine if you have any concerns, but I can assure you, money is not something you will get from me because I care about you, Ang. I don’t want to get a phone call from the police one day that you were found dead. Please get help,” he pleaded before he hung up the phone. “I’m sorry, baby, that was Angela calling me again. Let’s go eat, I have a full schedule in the clinic this afternoon,” he said as he opened his car door for me to get seated.

  We arrived at the diner in less than ten minutes, as traffic was very light. I assumed a lot of people were out of town due to it being Thanksgiving week. Deanie was working as usual and greeted us with her beautiful friendly smile.

  “Well, hello you two lovebirds. How are you doing?” she asked as Alex and I took a seat at one of the booths side by side.

  “We are doing great, Deanie, and are glad you are working today. We are starving, actually. Well, I am anyway,” he corrected, smiling at me. “What did you have for breakfast, baby?” he asked.

  “Uh, nothing,” I replied, hesitantly.

  “Nothing?” he asked, looking puzzled.

  “I guess I better eat something, huh?” I asked.

  “We will have our usual, Deanie,” he said. “Claire, what’s going on? It’s past one o’clock in the afternoon and you haven’t eaten yet?” he questioned.

  “I know. I promise I will eat plenty here,” I assured. “You look like you needed some
more sleep, Alex,” I said, noticing the dark circles under his eyes.

  “It was an eventful night, wasn’t it?” he winked.

  “Yes it was. Thanks for making me feel better and helping me sleep,” I smiled.

  “Pleasure was all mine, baby,” he replied, running his fingers through my hair as he kissed my forehead.

  Our food arrived shortly and Alex spoon-fed me as if I were a child. He knew that was the only way I was going to put anything in my stomach. I felt a little bit of energy coming back after eating at least half of my meal. I couldn’t eat more than what I had eaten and Alex did not force me, as he was afraid I would vomit if I overate.

  “I’m really worried about you, Claire. You look like you’re getting thin again,” he expressed.

  “I’m eating, Alex. Didn’t you see all the food I just ate?” I asked.

  “Yes, I did and I’m really happy about that. Let’s go back to work. It’s going to be a busy afternoon for me,” he said as he got up from the booth and took my hand to help me up.

  When I returned to work, I felt very sleepy. I had a very hard time keeping my eyes open and wished I could have a cup of coffee, but that was out of the question. Laura noticed my heavy eyelids and offered to take a ten-minute walk with me, so that I’d freshen up and stay awake.

  “I’m really sleepy too. I guess we have the Monday blues,” she said.

  “I think I may have a severe case,” I laughed. As we walked, I felt a mild cramping in my abdomen, similar to menstrual cramps. I had read about cramping during pregnancy and how it could be related to the fetus developing inside the uterus and not to be alarmed unless it’s very painful and vaginal bleeding is involved. I didn’t have bleeding and the cramps were very mild. I did get them from time to time and it only lasted a few minutes. I didn’t mention anything to Laura, since I could tolerate the cramping. We finished our short walk and headed back to the department.