Finding Glory

by Sara Arden

Gina pressed her lips together tightly before speaking. “I don’t know.”

  Amanda Jane’s eyes widened. “I have to move?”

  He wondered if this was when she was going to get upset. “With me.”

  “Is Gina-bee coming?” It seemed as if she wasn’t too sure about these new developments.

  “Yes,” he answered.

  “As long as Gina is coming, I’ll go.”

  “I think you’ll like it.” He looked at Gina. “This is the spoiling part.”

  “I figured as much.” Gina eyed him.

  “And you can study in peace and quiet.”

  “Bribes aren’t going to work every time.” Gina smiled softly, indicating that she was only teasing him. “I guess so. But don’t buy her anything crazy. Like a pony.”

  Amanda Jane’s eyes widened farther. “I can have a pony?”

  “You can have anything you want,” he promised her easily.

  “I knew I was going to regret this.” Gina shook her head, but there was a smile on her face.

  Amanda Jane launched herself from the chair to go put on her shoes and socks.

  “You know, I was only half kidding. Really, no pony,” she reiterated, raising her eyebrow in abject disapproval.

  “Why not? She can have lessons. I handled some investments for a guy whose daughter rides at a barn on the other side of town.” Reed held up his hand. “Before you object, his daughter takes care of the animal herself. She has to groom him, feed him and exercise him herself. It’s not all a walk in the park.”

  “I can’t believe we’re actually having this discussion.” She shook her head.

  “We’re not, not really. She hasn’t asked for a pony.”

  “Reed, I’m serious.”

  “I am, too. Spoiling. It’s happening. You taught her a lesson yesterday about money, and today, I get to be Dad. Remember, I haven’t gotten to do this.”

  Gina made a helpless gesture.

  “Study. Don’t worry, we’ll be fine.” He waved her off.

  “Reed, I have to say this and it’s going to make you angry. And if it hurts, that’s not my intention. But it has to be said.”

  He steeled himself for whatever it was she was going to say.

  “For a man who wants to be more than his bank account, you’re not doing too great a job showing us what else you have to offer.”

  She was right, it did make him angry, but more than that, it stung like a bitch.

  “Just spend time with her.”

  “I will. But she also has a room that needs to be decorated so it feels like it’s hers. I’m trying to make this move easy on you both. Every time you tell me no, you’re making it clear that you’re the parent and I’m just a contributor to her genetic makeup.”

  She flinched. “I just... Fine. Do whatever you want with her room.” Gina took a few deep breaths before looking up at him. “Are you going to decorate my room, too?”

  He knew she was trying to soothe the barbs she’d flung, but he didn’t have the heart to spar with her at the moment. “Whatever you want.”

  “What I want is for this to be easy.” Out of all the things that she had to deal with, it would be nice if something could just...work. If all the pieces would fit where they were supposed to when they were supposed to.

  “Then let me make it easy. You don’t have to control everything.” He knew her better than she thought.

  “But I do, Reed. Don’t you understand? The things in my life that I can control, I have to. There’s been so much that’s beyond my control, so many things thrown at me. My mother’s cancer, her death. My father leaving. My sister. Amanda Jane.” She motioned in the air. “These things that I can control, they help keep me sane. Otherwise, my brain goes all sorts of wild places. What if, what if, what if. It plays on a loop all the time and if I listen to it, all I can think about is pain and loss. Can you understand that?”

  “I understand that control is your drug of choice. It numbs all the pain, all the fear the same as those other things did for me.”

  How dare he compare the two? They weren’t the same. Not by a long shot. “It’s not the same,” she snarled. “Controlling the things I have power over doesn’t hurt anyone.”

  “One could argue that me putting a needle in my vein didn’t hurt anyone but me.”

  “How can you even say that so casually?” She couldn’t even think about it casually.

  “Because you’re so buttoned-down that you’re not living and you’re teaching Amanda Jane that same habit.”

  “Do you really want to talk about teaching habits?” she threatened.

  “You’re really angry, Gina. Maybe you should think about why.”

  “Why? You show up here and start making demands and—”

  A small sniff made them both stop and look at Amanda Jane.

  “I don’t need anything new. I’m sorry,” the little girl said.

  “Oh, honey.” Gina’s upset seemed to diffuse instantly. “Come here.”

  Amanda Jane got up obediently and went to Gina and she hugged her.

  “This is just new territory for both of us. I’m sorry we were disagreeing loudly.”

  “You were fighting.”

  “No, we weren’t fighting. We were just discussing and we disagreed. Loudly,” Reed added. “It happens sometimes.”

  “I don’t want you to leave. Promise you won’t leave.” She flung herself against him and he hugged her.

  “I won’t leave.” Whispering those words made him feel like the biggest heel. Not because he planned on leaving, but because he hadn’t been there to start with.

  Gina looked lost and afraid, too, as if she believed that he’d suddenly disappear like a petal blown by some unreliable breeze. And he couldn’t blame her. All they knew was impressions of each other and who they used to be.

  “How about we shop for your room all together? Today we’ll just go to the zoo.”

  “It’s okay. It’s just a room, right?” No pony, she mouthed.

  “Really, it’s okay?” Amanda Jane blinked, eyes wide.

  If Reed didn’t know better, he’d say that the girl had Gina wrapped around her little finger. But the expression was guileless.

  “Yes, it’s fine. I’m grumpy because I’m stressed trying to study. Go. Have fun,” Gina reassured her.

  “Okay, but only if you kiss and make up.”

  “I... That’s not what we do,” Gina stuttered.

  “Yes, it is. When we get mad at each other, we always kiss on the cheek and make up. Gina-bees and daddies should do it, too.” Amanda Jane seemed determined that this was simply the way of things and they had no choice but to comply.

  Reed wasn’t sure what possessed him. Maybe it was what she’d said about not showing them what else he had to offer. He could give her this. If she wanted it. He leaned over and pressed his lips to her cheek, just barely missing the corner of her mouth.

  “There. All better? Are we friends again?” His voice was low, almost guttural. He’d meant to be light, teasing, but he was too affected.

  Gina flushed and nodded.

  “See? All better.” Amanda Jane looked satisfied.

  “Let’s go outside while I call the rental company so Gina can study.” He held the door open for her.

  “You can call her Gina-bee, too. She won’t mind.”

  “Oh, I think she might.” Reed was sure that to him she was most definitely not a Gina-bee.

  “We can ask her when we get back. Can I really have a pony?”

  “Yes.”

  “Can I have a castle in my room?” She skipped over to the tire swing.

  “Yes.”

  “Can I have a fire truck in my room?”

  “Yes.”
/>   “When are you going to say no?”

  “When you ask something worth saying no to.” He found all of those requests to be reasonable. They were things he could do, easy things. It was just money.

  “I like this game.”

  “Me, too.”

  And while he pushed Amanda Jane on the tire swing in the yard, he thought about what it felt like to press his lips against the smooth softness of Gina’s cheek and how easy it would’ve been to lean over just a bit more and taste her lips.

  He might’ve, if he’d been able to brush his teeth instead of just guzzle coffee.

  This was dangerous territory, thinking about kissing Gina.

  What if she didn’t like it?

  What if she did?

  He’d never really be sure if she was with him for Amanda Jane’s sake, or because that was where she wanted to be.

  He pushed it out of his head and decided to focus on Amanda Jane. That was why he was here. To get to know her. To be her father. Not to try out his moves on the girl’s aunt.

  Reed took her first to the house on Knob Hill where he showed her where her room would be. Where Gina’s would be.

  Then he took her shopping in the city and didn’t feel the least bit bad about buying her everything she pointed to.

  All in all, it turned out to be another great day. He’d just started to wonder when she’d hit him with the hard questions. The ones about Crystal, about himself. Reed knew he’d have to have answers for her, and while he didn’t want to lie to her, he didn’t think he could bear to admit all his failings to her either.

  There had to be some kind of middle ground. Somewhere when she was old enough to understand, she wouldn’t think less of him.

  He wondered what Gina had told her.

  He didn’t have to wonder long.

  They were on their way back to the farmhouse when she asked, “Gina said that once you were sick like Mama.”

  “Yes.” That was the truth.

  “But you got better.”

  “I did. And it was hard, and took a long time.”

  There was a long silence in the car and she’d been chattering almost all day. So it was strange now to sit in the weight of her silence.

  “Why didn’t Mama want to get better?”

  “Who told you that?” When he found out he’d—

  “She did. She told Gina-bee the last time we visited her before she went to heaven. She took us off her visiting list and told her not to bring me anymore.”

  “Does Gina know you heard this?”

  “No, I was supposed to be playing. But I wanted to see my mama, not play.”

  “You should tell her that you heard it. Then you can talk about it with her.”

  “But I want to talk about it with you,” she said pointedly.

  “Why?” He didn’t understand her at all.

  “Because you were sick, too. Gina never gets sick.”

  “The kind of sick we were...” He wasn’t sure how to explain it.

  “Makes it so you don’t want to get better.”

  “Sort of, yeah.”

  “I think Gina would be upset if I told her, but I want her to be my mother. And I don’t want her to have her own room separate from you. Mommies and daddies share rooms and fight over potty seats.”

  He swallowed hard. “Honey, things are the way they are.” God, that was a stupid answer. “I can’t change who your mother is.”

  “Emma did. She said that according to the law, Gina is my mom.”

  “I really think you should talk to Gina about this.” They hadn’t discussed what they were going to tell her or when they were going to tell her. This was all new territory.

  “But I want to talk to you. Gina would get upset.”

  “Why do you think I won’t get upset?”

  “You just won’t.” She sat back in the seat. “I had a good time today. Did you?”

  “I did.”

  “Are you ready for me to be quiet? When I talk this much, Gina says she needs quiet time to hear herself think. I don’t know how you couldn’t hear yourself think because you think in your own head.”

  “I think it’s been a long day. But if you have something to say, you can tell me.”

  “No, I don’t have anything to say. Not really.”

  He laughed. He liked Amanda Jane. Reed supposed he was expected to think that, but he knew in reality that you didn’t have to like someone to love them. And he liked her. He liked her personality and the shadows he saw of the person she was going to be. He knew that part of that was Gina’s influence.

  “Can we watch a movie again like last night?”

  “If it’s okay with Gina. But I can’t stay all night like last night. I have to work in the morning.”

  “When are we going to move in to the pretty house?”

  “When Gina says.” That was the easiest and truest answer he could give her.

  “She’s in charge of a lot of stuff.” Her eyes narrowed. “I want to be in charge of stuff.”

  “She is.”

  “Is she the boss of you?” Amanda Jane cocked her head to the side.

  “In some things.”

  “And in some things you’re the boss?” She nodded. “I think that will work.”

  They pulled into the driveway and Amanda Jane bounded into the house. He was hesitant to follow her. He didn’t live in the farmhouse with them; this wasn’t his space.

  “Gina?” he said at the door.

  “Come in.”

  He stepped inside and realized he smelled an apple pie. “Did you bake?”

  “Maybe.” She grinned.

  His brain started to short-circuit. There was nothing sexier than a woman baking. Unless that woman was Gina Townsend. “Weren’t you going to study?”

  “I was, but I had some apples about to go bad and sometimes baking helps me think.”

  “Sometimes eating helps me think.” He grinned.

  “I cut a piece for you already. We can have ours at the table while she takes her bath. You were gone for such a long time, I was worried.”

  “I was trying to give you some peace and quiet.”

  Amanda Jane mouthed peace and quiet along with him while wearing a serious expression.

  “After so much noise, all this quiet is kind of foreign to me now.” Gina smoothed her hands down her jeans.

  “Pie?” Amanda Jane perked.

  “Breakfast. Not before bed,” Gina said. “Bath.”

  “You let her have pie for breakfast?”

  “It’s fruit.” She shrugged. “We try to do some fun things, you know. I’m not all doom and gloom.”

  “I know that.” When they sat down at the table he said, “She asked me to stay and watch another movie. Is that okay?”

  “Sure. I’m glad you guys are spending some time together and getting to know each other.”

  “That’s had me thinking, Gina. Maybe you and I should spend some time together. We don’t know each other anymore. And I’d like to.” That little voice in his head said that he wanted to know her for himself, too, not just for Amanda Jane.

  She paused, pie midway to her mouth. “I’d like that, too. It makes me feel better about everything.” Gina rushed to add, “I think it’s because I don’t know you anymore that I’m afraid.”

  “I hope you don’t think that I’m not afraid. I am. Amanda Jane is this amazing little person and every time that it occurs to me that she’s my daughter, I don’t know how it can be real. Or who thought it was a good idea.” He gave a self-deprecating laugh.

  “When did you want us to move in?” She took a bite of pie.

  “As soon as possible. Amanda Jane is going to start first grade in the fall. It w
ould be good if her legal residence was the new address.”

  “Okay.”

  “Okay? You don’t want to argue?” he teased. Actually, Reed had expected this to be more of a battle.

  “No, I don’t want to argue. That’s fine. I agreed to be your wife.” She blushed. “I mean, to cohabitate.”

  “You can say getting married. That’s what you’re doing.”

  “It just sounds so intimate. It sounds like our relationship is something it’s not.” She looked away from him.

  “We’re raising a child together, Gina. It doesn’t get much more intimate than that, does it? The ins and outs of everyday life are more meaningful than bodies slapping together.”

  She blushed.

  “Why did that make you blush?” Using his forefinger, he tilted her chin up so she had to look at him. He loved that she blushed, but he didn’t want to embarrass her. He wanted to know what she was thinking and if it was the same thing he was.

  “It’s stupid, right? I’m an EMT. I’m going to be a doctor. I see bodies all the time. I see them in various states of dress, undress and activity. Like the last call I got before I was off shift? A guy got his tongue ring stuck on his girlfriend’s piercing. Didn’t bother me at all. But when you say things like that, I—” She pinched her lips together, as if she just realized she was going to say something that she didn’t want him to know.

  In this, he was more experienced than she was and he knew where her mind had gone. “Did that make you think about us? What I said? If it was our bodies?”

  “Reed!” She looked away from him again.

  “Did it? You can tell me, Gina. I’m not an animal. I’m not going to assume that you want to screw me just because you might have wondered what it would be like. People have thoughts about other people all the time. And there aren’t orgies in the streets. Really.” He was determined to keep his brain and his dick on the straight and narrow. He’d told her he wasn’t a beast and he was determined to live up to that promise.

  She bit her lip. “Fine, okay? Yes, it made me think about it.”

  Then he knew he was a damn liar. Because he wanted nothing more than to grab her and really kiss her. Not that peck from earlier, but taste her lips and devour everything she had to offer until she was a writhing, pleading mess in his arms begging for all the pleasure he wanted to give her.