Finding Glory

by Sara Arden

  He searched her eyes for a long moment and Gina could tell the instant he made his decision. The cornflower blue of his eyes was suddenly dark like the Kansas sky before it raged with a storm and the change had come over him just as quickly as the clouds rolled in off the prairie.

  She gasped when he pushed her down on the couch and she found herself beneath him, his hard body weighing her down, grounding her.

  Gina loved the feel of him, that weight of him that made it all so real. It anchored the sensations in her mind, reminded her that this was no fantasy. That she took what she wanted in the here and now—this was no dream.

  She was going to lose her virginity to Reed Hollingsworth on a couch in his living room.

  No, their living room.

  God, she just wanted to shut her brain off. She didn’t want to think about all the minutiae. For once, she wanted to feel and experience. She could analyze it to death later. Gina prayed to anyone who would listen that he didn’t stop, didn’t ask her if she was sure. Because then she’d have to think about the question and in turn, her answer.

  All the reasons why she shouldn’t and the singular reason why she should—because he was what she wanted.

  The two things in life she’d ever dared let herself want—being a doctor and Reed Hollingsworth.

  Before the part of her brain that made her always choose the safe path could kick in, before it could tell her that she could only have one or the other—Reed or a career—that she wasn’t the girl who got everything she wanted, she hooked her legs around his hips and clung to him.

  Being with him this way drowned out all those voices, forced them into compliance. Or maybe not even that...maybe it was simply that his touch caused her heart to pound so loudly, that was all she could hear inside her head.

  She pulled his shirt up over his shoulders, her touch gliding over the hard planes of his back as she went. Gina was lost in the taste of him, the force of his kiss, his hand sliding up beneath the hem of her T-shirt to cup her breast.

  If she thought his kiss was intense, his fingers were even more so. They moved over her flesh in turns as if she was some work of art he was committing to memory, using his hands as his eyes.

  The friction between her thighs, the way he pressed into her and she arched up against him, it did nothing to assuage the ache. It only made her burn hotter.

  She’d wondered why people did so many stupid things for that connection, a joining of flesh that was as simple as Tab A into Slot B. In her head, it had always been something clinical—a body function like any other. But now she understood. Gina would do anything to feel this with him.

  It was as if her flesh wasn’t her own, it was his. He was a dark master, moving her for their pleasure.

  While she loved his kiss, there was something forbidden about looking into his eyes while he touched her. It was a trespass, but it was a bond, too. His fingers flicking over her rosebud nipple, eyes focused on her face watching her desire.

  And it didn’t occur to her to hide it from him.

  In fact, she wanted to be even more exposed. She shifted so that he could peel her shirt from her and then he unsnapped her bra with one quick motion of his fingers.

  “Christ, you’re beautiful,” he murmured and dipped his head to follow the path of his hands. “Perfect and soft, just like I knew you would be.”

  Reed knelt to the floor, peeling her jeans down her hips, and she shivered, not exactly afraid, but need warred with anticipation.

  “I’m going to taste you.”

  He wasn’t asking, but she wouldn’t say no. Reed positioned her so that he could divest her of her panties, and hooked one thigh up over his shoulder.

  She bit her lip, breath caught in her throat.

  Then his hot mouth closed over her. She arched up off the couch, a sharp sound of delight torn from her. His hands anchored her hips and she thrust up to meet the caress.

  Gina tilted her head so that she could see his face and his eyes were open, and their gazes held while his tongue pressed in wicked motions against her. Something built deep in her belly, something that managed to be both sharp and languid at the same time. It was hot, and smooth, like whiskey, but was something more than fire.

  Reed’s mouth moved over her, driving her higher and pushing her past all boundaries of bliss she’d ever known. That tension burst into pleasure and as the aftershocks rocked her body, he pulled away.

  “Reed,” she breathed.

  He didn’t speak, didn’t ask her the question that hung between them. Instead, he kissed her forehead and went upstairs alone.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  REED SAT ON the edge of his bed, contemplating what had just happened.

  Or what hadn’t.

  He’d been offered everything he wanted on a silver platter and he’d pushed it away with both hands.

  No, that wasn’t true. It wasn’t everything he’d wanted. It was almost everything he wanted. He didn’t want to be a mistake and he didn’t want to be a throwaway ever again.

  His cock throbbed and there was a part of him that rebelled at the thought of passing up a night of passion with Gina. He ached to bury himself into her sweet sheath.

  God, when he thought about the way she’d arched under his tongue and fingers, the pretty little sounds she made when she was begging him for more, he wanted to give her everything and more.

  But he had a feeling that he’d be trading one addiction for another. He’d never have enough of Gina and when she was done with him, it would break him and he didn’t know if there’d be any fixing himself this time.

  His door creaked open and Gina stood there, hair wild, cheeks flushed and only a T-shirt and panties.

  His mouth went dry.

  “What the hell was that, Reed?” she demanded.

  He licked his lips, tasted her and closed his eyes. He couldn’t tell her no again. Reed had been so sure she’d just let this go. She wouldn’t push, but she did. She was there, standing half-naked in his doorway.

  “I told you, I don’t want—I can’t—be a one-night stand.”

  “Don’t you want me?” she asked, her voice small.

  “Of course, I want you. I’ve always wanted you. Don’t you understand?”

  She walked toward him slowly, and it was like watching his own doom—beautiful and elegant—wash over him in a wave. Gina put her hands on his shoulders and brought him close to her.

  “Then take me.”

  “No.”

  It was as if he hadn’t spoken. She pushed her hands through his hair and then sank to her knees to look into his eyes. Gina leaned ever closer until she brushed her lips against his.

  “Yes,” she said. “For both of us.”

  He didn’t want to resist her, because in his heart, he still didn’t believe he deserved what he wanted. That voice in his head that knew him best told him that he should take what she offered because holding out hope for more was reaching too high. This was as close as he’d ever get.

  His fingers dug into her back, pulled her closer. Tighter. As if he could anchor her there in the moment and keep her forever.

  It had been so long since he’d been with someone—years. He’d vowed not to be with a woman he wouldn’t marry, that he didn’t want to spend his life with. But that was the problem. He wanted Gina more than he’d ever wanted anything.

  And here she was, offering herself to him. Asking him to be her first.

  But not her only.

  Yet, he failed to find the will to push her away. He dragged her onto the bed and she unfurled beneath him like some exotic flower, legs around his waist, hair spread out behind her.

  She was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen.

  “I don’t have any protection,” he whispered. Reed hadn’t planned
on having any reason to keep anything in the house.

  “I’ve been on the depo shot to lighten my cycle forever.”

  “There’s more to consider than that.” He searched her eyes.

  “I know.” She licked her lips. “You’ve been tested, right?”

  “Yes.”

  She kissed him, pulling him down closer. “Then make love to me.”

  And that’s what he was doing. He was making love to her. This wasn’t a fuck. This wasn’t a one-off, a quick culmination of a physical need. It was something more.

  Somehow, he was naked. He hadn’t noticed her hands, or his body’s response. All he knew was that he poised at the edge of heaven.

  Gina reached up and cupped his cheek with her palm, as if he were the virgin and she were the experienced one.

  While he held her gaze, he pushed into her slowly, gently, allowing her body to adjust to his girth. Her lips parted and she gasped, but she didn’t look away, didn’t hide from him.

  In this moment, they were connected as deeply and wholly as any two people could be.

  When he began to move, he watched as her expression ran through a gamut of emotions: surprise, awe and pleasure.

  Reed moved faster, thrust harder and she clung to him, burying her face in his neck. Her breath coming in tiny gasps against the shell of his ear.

  “More,” she begged him.

  So he surrendered. He surrendered to his desire, to the friction and heat between them and to the fulfillment of a fantasy.

  She clawed at his back, hips arched up to meet him and his kiss had swallowed her cries of pleasure when he reached his peak. Reed wanted her eyes open, wanted to make sure she knew where she was and who she was with.

  “Open your eyes,” he growled low, and soft.

  Gina didn’t hesitate. She opened her eyes and looked up at his face. He drove into her with purpose then and her sheath tightened around him.

  He was looking into her eyes when he spilled inside of her, and he’d been right—it was heaven.

  Reed pulled her into his arms, knowing that after this had passed, nothing could ever be the same between them. He was pretty sure that the divine landscape he’d previously acknowledged in her arms would be his own personal hell. Because even in those last moments, he knew that this meant more to him than it did to her.

  He was a Band-Aid, a painkiller. Something to stanch all the ugly things she felt.

  And when he awoke the next morning, Reed knew he’d been right.

  The space in the bed next to him was empty and his sheets smelled like her shampoo.

  He needed to put her out of his head as easily as she’d put him out of hers.

  Whenever he needed to clear his head, or he felt bad, he made money. He’d buy something and sell it. He’d invest; he’d move things around.

  But today, he was going to try something different. What he was doing obviously wasn’t making him happy so it was time to try something that might.

  He wanted to throw money at the problem, in a sense. He wanted to do something good for someone else. There was a part of him that knew whatever his good deeds were, they wouldn’t change the way he thought about himself deep down.

  But it would make him feel better for a time.

  He emailed Gray about making some anonymous donations to several cancer charities, for Gina’s mom. And for a few minutes, there was a spark of warmth in his chest. He liked how that felt.

  But nothing could bring out that spark like Amanda Jane. He wanted to see her, know her, see the world as she saw it.

  There was something so spectacular about her innocence, but she had this clarity, too. He thought she was the most amazing little person. He liked her perspective on things and he wondered how that would change as she grew. As the world touched her, molded her and showed her all the wonderful and terrible things it had to offer.

  He wanted to keep her from the darkness, from the bad, but he couldn’t. No matter how hard he tried. But he’d read somewhere that to appreciate the beauty of the stars, you needed the night.

  That made sense to him. He could appreciate the stars so much more now.

  And he could admit that their fire still scared him, humbled him and made him just a little bit raw.

  But that came with the things he could accept, the things he had power over and the things he didn’t. The best he could do was love that little girl with all his heart and do what was best for her.

  His heart swelled and swelled until he thought he was going to burst. He didn’t know he could love another person this wholly, this completely.

  He dressed, wondering when would be too soon to call and see if she was ready to come home from sleeping over with Missy and Emma.

  As he emerged into the kitchen, he heard her little voice.

  Gina’s, too.

  He couldn’t make out what they were saying, but he could see them through the glass outside on the patio.

  Reed contented himself just to watch them for a moment. Just to take in the way the sunlight fell around them, like a big beacon.

  Whatever happened between him and Gina, he supposed it didn’t matter so much. As long as Amanda Jane was happy and safe. They could work through whatever this was between them because they both loved Amanda Jane more than themselves. With that kind of recipe, it couldn’t help but work out.

  * * *

  GINA DIDN’T REGRET what had happened with Reed, but she wasn’t ready to talk about it and she wasn’t ready to be alone with him again.

  She wasn’t sure if it was because she knew she’d talk about it, she’d do it again or both.

  Oh, did she ever want to do it again. It was the culmination of a fantasy, but so much more than that because it had been real.

  Making love with Reed had been everything she’d hoped it would be.

  Which made it dangerous.

  She could fall in love with him so easily, but Gina couldn’t let herself do that. She was already emotionally invested in one person who had been an addict. She didn’t think she could survive two.

  Reed was healthy and clean now, but what about if he wasn’t?

  The question should be when he wasn’t. She’d seen it too often, read the stats.

  And Crystal—God, Crystal.

  Gina wanted to cry every time she thought about her, but she’d learned a long time ago that tears did nothing but give her a headache. They never fixed anything and most likely would make her feel worse. So she swallowed them down, swallowed all of her feelings and hoped they wouldn’t come crawling back up from the dark to drown her.

  When Emma and Missy came by to drop Amanda Jane off, Gina beamed and saw the perfect opportunity to save herself from facing the consequences of her actions, and to keep her mind off of Crystal. “I was going to take Amanda Jane swimming. Would you like to stay?”

  “I have...to meet someone.” Missy bit her lip. “But I think you should stay, Emma.”

  “You just don’t want me quizzing you about your date with Sheriff Old School.” Emma grinned.

  “Oh, you have a date with Cowboy Hat and Boots himself?” Gina teased. “You’ll have to tell us all about it.”

  Missy blushed. “It’s not a date. It’s...a walk.”

  “And a picnic, and hand-holdin’ and country songs.” Emma winked at her.

  “It is not. He’s going to help me with a thing.”

  “A thing.” Emma nodded. “Is that what they’re calling it?”

  Missy blushed harder. “Stop it or I won’t tell you another word.”

  “Fine. I’ll just stay and swim and bother Gina all day.”

  Amanda Jane smiled. “Really, you’ll stay? And you’ll swim?”

  “I don’t really have a suit.”

  “I have o
ne you can borrow and a T-shirt so you don’t burn,” Gina offered.

  “Thanks.”

  “What’s this? There’s my princess.” Reed swept Amanda Jane up on his shoulders and she giggled.

  “We’re going swimming.”

  “We are?” Reed said. “I guess I’ll have to clear my schedule.”

  This had been a ploy so she didn’t have to think about Reed and that definitely didn’t include looking at him all half-naked and wet.

  He swung Amanda Jane around and deposited her gently back onto her feet. “I have some things to catch up on and I’ll be outside shortly.”

  “Promise?” she asked, eyes wide.

  “Promise.”

  Gina felt like an utter ass. Amanda Jane was so happy to spend time with him and she’d begrudge that just because she didn’t want to own her actions.

  “We’ll meet you outside.” She turned to the little girl. “Go on. Go put your suit on.”

  She dragged Emma up to her room. As soon as they were inside, Emma leaned against the door. “So, you did it.”

  “What?” They couldn’t be talking about the same what. It wasn’t as though she had a tattoo on her forehead that said I banged Reed Hollingsworth.

  “It.”

  So, maybe she did, after all. “I did not.”

  “Oh, please. The tension between you has been hot enough to light a fire. But when he looks at you, that kindling is nothing but ash. You had sex. Admit it.”

  “Fine. We had sex.” She swallowed.

  “And?”

  “And what?”

  “And what?” Emma practically shrieked. “You’re killing me.”

  “It’s not a big deal. It was a one-time thing...”

  “You are such a liar.” Emma laughed.

  “I just... I think I screwed up. I don’t regret what happened, because wow.” Just thinking about it made her blush and long to do it again. “But where do we go from here? I’m trying to become a doctor, raise a child...and where is the room for a relationship?”

  “I don’t know if someone failed to mention this to you, but you’re already in a relationship. You’re raising Amanda Jane together.”