Finding Glory

by Sara Arden

  “He called Gray.” She narrowed her eyes.

  “Yes, he did. And you lied to him about me reading the contract.”

  “I did. I’m sorry. I just... I didn’t have anything to bargain with and he was slipping away.” She held up her hands.

  “Gray took him out for breakfast and now, I’m going to take you and Amanda Jane to Sweet Thing. There is nothing that donuts can’t fix.”

  “I don’t really feel up—”

  “Wasn’t asking.” Emma shook her head. “Either put on your shoes, or I’ll do it for you. You’ve been spending a lot of time here and you need to get out. See people.”

  “Yeah, see people talking about my sick grandmother, what a hard time I’ve had of it, what a hard time we all have...” Gina shook her head.

  “Oh, honey. I think you’d be surprised. Trouble has a way of erasing your sins, especially in a town like this. I promise.” Emma nodded. “Betsy was just asking after you.”

  “That’s Betsy. You know she’s so nice she could put a saint to shame.”

  “It’s more than Betsy. You just wait until the cars start their trek up Knob Hill. You’re part of Glory. You’re more than the poor kid done good.”

  Sometimes she hated how easily Emma could see through her walls. She didn’t have to tear them down, she just had to look and they crumbled on their own.

  “I’ve always felt like that’s what they want me to be. So I’m a story, not a person.” She was always reminded of the way that her teachers would look at her, their eyes shining, as if she was some kind of trailer-trash unicorn. She was always “that poor girl” until she became the one who would make a difference and it wasn’t that she didn’t want to make a difference, of course she did. She just felt the weight of their expectation.

  “Of course you’re a story. You’re hope. Look at all you’ve done. You might inspire someone else.” Emma hugged her. “I know you inspire me.”

  “Now you’re going to make me cry, stop that.” Her face prickled.

  “Only if you agree to come out to Sweet Thing with me.”

  “Fine. I’ll come to Sweet Thing.”

  “Good.” Emma grinned. “I’ll go surprise Amanda Jane.”

  She stuffed her feet into her tennis shoes without untying them and followed Emma to surprise Amanda Jane.

  Instead of playing, she was thumbing through a pop-up picture book of fairy-tale castles. That was something new that Gina hadn’t seen before.

  How could Reed think he wasn’t a good father?

  Maybe because you didn’t tell him he could be a good one, a voice whispered.

  Maybe if she’d had a little more faith in him— She cut the thought off at the knees. No, he shouldn’t need her validation. Should she worry that every time she disagreed with him he’d run off looking for some way to kill the feelings inside him?

  She cringed at herself, knowing it was more than that. Gina hadn’t given him any support or any trust and that was crucial because he didn’t trust himself. She should’ve acknowledged that he was trying.

  And deep down, she knew all this talk about leaving them was him trying the best way he knew how. His words were sharp, the swords cut deep, and even when he tried to wound her, the crux of it was that Gina knew he thought he was doing it for her.

  For Amanda Jane.

  With a little room to breathe, she could see that.

  But that didn’t stop it from hurting. It didn’t stop that fear from rising up to choke her and reminding her in no uncertain terms that she did not have control of anything.

  It seemed that their demons just didn’t play well together.

  That’s all a person could hope for really, that when you spend your life with someone that maybe your dark parts could fit together as well as your light. That your demons could play together as well as your angels.

  Theirs just didn’t.

  They were both too broken.

  She looked at Amanda Jane. She was the glue that could hold them both together—if he wanted to. If he’d just try.

  “Did Daddy leave?” she asked quietly, looking back and forth between Gina and Emma. Her eyes were so large and clear, it was as if she was just waiting for them to come tell her that she’d been abandoned again.

  “Just for breakfast with our friend Gray.”

  She managed a small smile. “That’s a silly name. That’s a color.”

  “His name is Grayson,” Emma supplied.

  “I like that much better.” Amanda Jane nodded and put the book down. “Are we going someplace? That would be like someone calling me Mandy. I don’t like that.” She switched back and forth between subjects as kids tended to do.

  “Breakfast with Miss Betsy at Sweet Thing,” Emma supplied.

  “Frosted frog legs?” she perked.

  Emma raised a brow. “If that’s what you want.”

  Amanda Jane nodded emphatically. “Can we bring Daddy some?”

  All that child could ever talk about was her daddy. Gina sighed and decided that maybe Reed didn’t know that, but he needed to.

  “Of course we can.”

  “I liked us all sleeping in the same place. Can we do it again?”

  Gina’s face heated and Emma turned her head slowly, obviously making an effort not to give herself whiplash. Her brow was raised.

  “I don’t know about that. How about we have the frosted frog legs and worry about the rest later?”

  “Okay.” Amanda Jane went rummaging for her shoes.

  When she disappeared into her closet, Emma said, “What was that?”

  “I’ll tell you later.” She wasn’t really ready to talk about it because she didn’t know how she felt, how she wanted to proceed. She appreciated Emma’s advice, but Emma was too honest. As much as she clung to logic and realism, in this case, she wasn’t ready to process it.

  “Are you sleeping with him?”

  “Yes. We were sleeping. Somnambulists.” Gina nodded emphatically.

  “Don’t get cute.” Emma’s brow had crawled so high up into her hairline, Gina was sure it was going to get stuck. “You know what I mean.”

  “Can’t talk about this now.” Gina nodded toward the closet door.

  “You’re in deeper trouble than I thought.” She shook her head.

  “Yeah, so. You knew I was half in love with him in high school.” Gina shrugged. That was no secret and maybe it would go a long way in getting Emma to be quiet about it.

  “And you’re all in love with him now, aren’t you?”

  Gina’s shoulders sagged. “Yeah, so?”

  Emma pursed her lips and sighed softly. “Are you in love with the man he is or the man you want him to be?”

  “That’s why we fought.” Well, she obviously wasn’t getting out of talking about it. So she might as well tell her the highlights. “I think I expected too much of him. And he expected too much of me.”

  “And now?” Emma prompted.

  “Now he thinks Amanda Jane and I will be better off.”

  “Maybe you would be. Have you thought about that? I’ve never seen you like this in all the years that I’ve known you. He upsets you, unbalances you.”

  “No,” Gina growled. “No, we wouldn’t. Amanda Jane idolizes him. She’s wanted a father for so long and I remember what that was like. Hoping that someday he’d remember me. Someday he’d want me. Someday he’d love me. And I wouldn’t have to do this on my own and I’d be someone.”

  “You are someone.”

  “I know that.” Gina shook her head. “But that ache? It never goes away. It never eases. I know who I am. I know what I can do. That doesn’t change the fact that I still want a father.”

  “The thing is, would you have wanted Reed? I mean, if you’re doing this
for Amanda Jane. One man is not just as good as any other.”

  Gina thought about it, really considered what that meant. Even with his failings, even considering his stumble and the fact he could fall again. That he might screw up, even after all of his promises, he was a good man.

  Would she choose him, if she had that choice?

  Then she realized that she did have that choice. Right now, he’d offered her a way out. He’d given her the power to choose Amanda Jane’s father. The man who would raise her. The man who would love her. The man she could always look to for comfort, for safety...

  Would she choose him if she didn’t have to?

  The answer was yes.

  “I can see it on your face.” Emma sighed. “It’ll be okay. It’s screwed up, but I’m sure he loves you, too. Sometimes men do stupid things when they’re trying to be manly.” She rolled her eyes.

  She laughed. “He said he loved me and I know that’s why he’s doing this, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. The problem is that we don’t have trust, not like we need to.”

  “So how can you say you’re in love without trust? Love is nothing without trust.” Emma shook her head. “I think the trust issue isn’t with each other. It’s trusting yourselves.”

  “How do we fix that?”

  “I don’t think anything is going to be an easy fix. Life isn’t like that. It’s messy and ugly, even when it’s beautiful.”

  Amanda Jane popped out of the closet, shoes on and ready to go.

  Gina took her hand and led her down to Emma’s car.

  Once inside Sweet Thing, Betsy knew exactly what to do for Amanda Jane. There was a kind sorrow in her eyes as she looked at Gina.

  “How are you holding up?” she asked, when Amanda Jane had been settled with her “frosted frog legs.”

  “I’m okay.” She nodded, and for now, that wasn’t a lie. She was okay. “Being married is...different.”

  “My mom is currently making you more fried chicken than you could possibly eat in this lifetime or the next. You should expect the Ladies Auxiliary at your house very soon with their casseroles,” Betsy warned her in a conspiratorial whisper.

  “That would’ve been nice had they sent those over when my mother was dying of cancer.” Gina bit her lip. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”

  “You say whatever you want.” Betsy patted her hand. “Yes, they should have. I agree. If I’d known you then, I would’ve stolen you to come eat at my house all the time. My brother did that with India.”

  Gina found a smile. “And you’re both the kindest people I’ve ever known.”

  “If you look around, I think you’ll see more of that here. Glory is a good place, Gina.”

  “Once you’re on the right side of the proverbial tracks.” Gina wasn’t exactly bitter; she’d just seen the system in action.

  “I don’t think anyone knew how bad it was out there until your mom died. The way that you and Crys were trying to pay the bills, take care of yourselves and having to choose between paying the water bill and buying food.”

  “You always want to think the best of everyone.”

  Betsy nodded with a smile. “You’re right, I do. And it’s been a long journey for me to get to that place.”

  “You?” Gina cocked her head to the side. “But you’re made of unicorn breath and rainbows, right?”

  Betsy laughed. “Yeah, I’ll tell you about it sometime if you want. Come after lunch rush someday and we’ll chat. It was Jack that gave me hope.”

  “Are you telling fairy tales about me again, woman?” Jack, her husband, asked and wrapped his arms around her waist.

  She slapped at him lightly. “Stop that. We’re in public.”

  “This is Glory. It’s not public.” He planted a kiss on her neck and made his way over to the table where Amanda Jane was eating.

  Gina sighed. She’d thought that Betsy had the fairy tale, and maybe she did. But in all fairy tales, the darkest times had to be weathered before the best. Sometimes, she lost sight of that. No, actually, a lot of times she lost sight of that.

  “What for you this morning?” Betsy asked.

  “I don’t know. I had a hard night. Do you have any ‘fix it’ donuts?”

  Betsy laughed. “You know, I just might.” She reached into the case. “Try this one. It’s Nutella cheesecake. If you can’t fix everything with Nutella, well, it’s beyond broke.”

  Gina paid for the treat and sat down next to Emma, who was eating something that looked a lot like a frosted frog leg.

  “You’re not really eating all of that?”

  “Yes, yes I am.” Emma nodded and took another bite. “I’m now a firm believer in dessert first and it doesn’t get much firster than breakfast.”

  “Firster? Is that what your fancy law degree taught you?”

  Emma grinned. “Yep.”

  They laughed and Gina tried the donut that was supposed to be the miracle cure.

  After she took the first bite, she realized that maybe it was a cure-all—or there was just enough sugar to make her brain explode in euphoria, but either way, she felt a little better.

  Amanda Jane finished her frosted frog leg and asked to go look at the case. As soon as she peered around behind the counter, Betsy said, “I’m putting your little one to work.” She winked at Gina and handed Amanda Jane a tube of frosting. “Want to make your own frosted frog leg?”

  Amanda Jane looked back to Gina. “Can I?”

  Gina nodded, grateful to have her distracted not only from her conversation with Emma, but from all the darkness that had come into her life lately. “Mind Miss Betsy.”

  “So.” Emma began around a mouthful of pastry. “Tell me everything.”

  “I don’t know, it just happened.” She shrugged it off. “There’s not much else to tell, really.”

  Emma rolled her eyes again. “Come on, details. I need to live vicariously. That night that Amanda Jane spent the night with Missy.”

  She nodded. “Yeah.”

  “Surely it didn’t just happen that night. There had to have been signs, flirting...something.”

  “Some kissing.” She shrugged. “But we agreed it was best to forget it happened. Dating with a child is exceptionally hard. Especially when you’re both responsible for the same child. If it doesn’t work out, you’re left with a mess on your hands.”

  “That you have, anyway,” Emma cheerfully supplied.

  “Yes, that we have, anyway,” she agreed. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now.”

  “I’m going to tell you what I tell most of my clients going through relationship troubles. Although usually, they’re ending relationships rather than beginning them. I tell them that a child knows when her caregivers are happy and content. She also knows when they are not. To be a good parent, to wear that hat, you have to be a good you.”

  “That doesn’t make sense to me.”

  “Okay, just listen. You have to be happy yourself. In your own skin. If you’re happy, no matter what the situation, she will feel safe and secure to blossom. At least that’s what I’ve gathered from practicing family law.”

  “I know I need to fix this. I just don’t know how.”

  “Talk to him.” She ate another bite and sighed with pleasure.

  “I tried talking to him last night.”

  “Last night when emotions were running high for both of you? I’m sure that Gray has been able to talk some sense into him and he might be in a more receptive place.”

  “Why are you suddenly in the Gray camp? Are you two—”

  “No. Definitely no. We’re just...sort of friends.”

  “Sort of friends? That was a pretty friendly kiss he laid on you at Frogfest.”

  “We will not discuss Frog
fest. It did not happen.” Emma sat up straighter, as if the more proper she was, the less likely it would be that Frogfest had occurred.

  Gina raised a brow. “Oh, really? And you were doing what with him this morning? I mean, it’s pretty early.”

  “One doesn’t go bass fishing in the late morning or early afternoon. Dawn or dusk is the best. I mean, if you want to catch anything worth keeping.”

  “Uh-huh.” She nodded to her. “So, if you can’t stand him, why are you fishing?”

  “A dare. Look, this isn’t about me at the moment. Let’s get you straightened out and then you can worry about me going fishing with Grayson James.”

  “I’d rather worry about you and Grayson James. That means I don’t have to worry about me and Reed Hollingsworth.” Gina took another bite of the donut. “Or worry about Grams.”

  “When was the last time you weren’t worrying about something? Have you thought about all this pressure that you’re both under?”

  She sipped her coffee. “Lake of the Ozarks,” she said more to herself than to Emma.

  Gina remembered that was the last time they’d been happy. Her mother had scrimped and saved so they could go on that trip to the houseboat with Reed, his mother, and her one and only decent boyfriend. It was their first and only vacation, but it had been one of the happiest times she could remember. They’d eaten apples stolen off nearby trees, fish they’d caught themselves, and they’d told stories to each other out under the stars.

  “Maybe you should go back there. Take Reed and Amanda Jane and just get away from everything. Start your family. Figure out who you three are together. Does that make sense?”

  “It makes perfect sense. And I wish I could.”

  “Here’s what you’re going to do. You’re going to tell Reed that you’re going. You’re taking Amanda Jane and that he should come, too. And tell him why. He’ll go.”

  She wanted, no, needed Reed. She needed to feel his arms around her and she needed Amanda Jane. She wanted to wrap them both so tightly in her arms and just stay there.

  Emma squeezed her shoulder.

  “What’s wrong, Gina-bee?” Amanda Jane was suddenly there.

  Gina gave in to impulse and wrapped her in a fierce hug. Amanda Jane hugged her back. “It’s okay,” Amanda Jane comforted her.