Crime Stories

by Jack Kilborn

  How do you kill a person in a crowded space without anyone seeing you?

  I closed my eyes, trying to remember if this situation ever came up in the book. Rule #90? No, that had to do with airplanes. Rule #312? No, that was for killing a mark in a rain forest.

  At times like this, I really wished I’d kept my job at the grocery store. Or bought that other book, “The Complete Amateur’s Guide to Kidnapping and Extortion.”

  “Let me go or I’ll scream,” the bus driver said over the pipe organ music.

  “If you scream, I’ll kill you,” I answered.

  A classic stalemate. It happened to me once before, in the Har Dong peninsula, on the isle of Meenee Peepee, in the city of Tini Dik. I was at a hotel (I recall it being the Itsee Wang), and came upon a gorgeous Mossad agent named Desdemona, who I managed to manipulate by engaging in massive quantities of athletic sex with her. Later, when I sobered up, I realized I’d been duped. Rather than a beautiful double agent from Israel, Desdemona had actually been just a large pile of dirty towels.

  I had no idea what that had to do with anything, or how it could help me now.

  No other options open, the bus driver and I made our way to the seats. They were in Section 542, way up in the nosebleed part of the stadium.

  Even that section was full, fans packed shoulder to shoulder. We stepped on several toes and spilled a few beers wading through the crowd.

  “These seats suck,” said the bus driver.

  I told her to shut up.

  To keep her quiet, I decided to appeal to her inner overeater, and bought two red hots from a hawking vendor.

  She took both of them.

  Then we settled in to watch the game.

  It was the bottom of the fifth, Sox down two runs.

  I chose to make my move at the seventh inning stretch. By then, all of the drunken fans around us would get up to relieve their bladders, and I’d be able to off the bus driver and slip into the stream of moving bodies. Then I could…

  The next thing I knew, the bus driver was shoving a hot dog with the works into my face, trying to blind me.

  “Help!” she screamed, at the same time trying to get her big ass out of the stadium seat.

  First one cheek popped free, then the other, and then her big butt was out and shaking in my face.

  I wiped ketchup out of my eyes and looked around.

  No one paid any attention to the bus driver. Someone behind us even yelled “Down in front!”

  I stood and wrapped an arm around her fat shoulders, under the pretense of helping her back to her seat.

  Then I jammed the souvenir monument into her throat. Hard. Six or seven times.

  An eerie silence settled over the crowd. Then the stadium exploded in screams.

  I looked onto the field, wondering if there had just been a spectacular play.

  The game had stopped. Instead of baseball players, I saw myself on the Jumbotron monitor, forty feet high, the bloody Washington Monument in my hand.

  Oops.

  I did a quick scan of the ball park. Thirty, maybe thirty-five thousand people.

  This was going to be tough.

  I reached into my holster for the roll of fabric softener and the Perry Como LP, and got started.

  Written for the essay collection James Bond in the 21st Century. I had a lot of fun with this, being a Bond fan for practically my whole life. Plus, it gave me the opportunity to simply string jokes together, rather than deal with a plot or characters.

  If your first exposure to James Bond happened before the age of nine, you probably fell in love with the series for one reason: The Gadgets.

  The women were hot, but you wouldn’t care about that for a few more years. James Bond was tough and could fight, but so could those short guys on UHF’s Samurai Saturday, and they had the added appeal of speaking without their lips matching their words. Global politics, espionage, and undercover infiltrations still aren’t interesting, years later.

  No, the thing that made your pre-pubescent brain scream with unrestrained joy was all the cool stuff Bond picked up in Q Section. You wanted the grappling hook pistol, and the pen filled with acid, and the laser watch, and the hand-held suction cups for climbing walls, and the wrist dart gun, and the rappelling cummerbund—even though you had no idea what a cummerbund was.

  But now that you’re all grown up, do the gadgets still have the same appeal? Do you still wish you could run to the nearest Wal-Mart and buy an electric razor that can deliver a close shave plus sweep your room for electronic listening devices?

  This practical guide will look at some of best of Bond’s gadgets, and offer valuable buying advice to those interested in plunking down their hard earned dollars for spy gear.

  GADGET False bottom briefcase which holds a magnetic mine, used by Bond in Octopussy.

  USES Protecting and transporting papers, blowing things up.

  COOLNESS Hidden compartments are always cool. So are mines.

  REALITY These already exist, in a wide variety of colors and payloads.

  DO YOU WANT IT? Yes you do. Think about how memorable your next corporate meeting will be if you’re carrying one of these.

  SAFETY TIP Don’t try to bring it through airport security.

  * * *

  GADGET Snorkel that looks like a seagull, used by Bond in Goldfinger.

  USES Fool your friends at the pool, see other seagulls up close, collect change from the bottom of public fountains.

  COOLNESS Uncool. The crocodile submarine in Octopussy has many more applications. In fact, so does simple SCUBA gear. Q Section was apparently hitting the NyQuil when they thought this up.

  REALITY Possible to manufacture, but tough to market, depending on where you put your lips.

  DO YOU WANT IT? Not really, except to amuse yourself while drinking too much.

  SAFETY TIP Boil the bird after every use.

  * * *

  GADGET Ski pole that fires a rocket, used in Octopussy.

  USES Improve your slalom time, blow up your friends, roast a chicken really fast.

  COOLNESS Very cool.

  REALITY Single use wouldn’t be practical, it would be too heavy, and it might go off too soon (many men have this problem, and it’s nothing to be embarrassed about.)

  DO YOU WANT IT? Yes, but you should be careful—tucking high explosives under your arm while speeding 70mph downhill isn’t for anyone under the age of 14.

  SAFETY TIP Practice on the bunny slope before you take it down that black diamond run.

  * * *

  GADGET Aston Martin DB5 sports car, used by Bond in Goldfinger and Thunderball.

  USES The ultimate road rage machine/babe magnet. Oil slick sprayer, smoke screens, tire slashing blades, machine guns, and an ejector seat for when your blind date turns out to be a bore.

  COOLNESS This is one pimped out ride.

  REALITY You could probably pay to have this car custom made, but it would cost a lot of money, and you wouldn’t be allowed to drive it anywhere, except maybe in Texas.

  DO YOU WANT IT? Hell, yeah. Rush hour would never be the same.

  SAFETY TIP At the dealer, don’t be afraid to haggle. And don’t get suckered into buying the undercarriage rust protection.

  * * *

  GADGET Stick-on third nipple, used by Bond in The Man With The Golden Gun.

  USES For those many times in life when you just need a third nipple.

  COOLNESS At first glance, not very cool. But once you consider the possibilities, the coolness factor rises, much more so than the fake fingerprints Bond used in Diamonds Are Forever.

  REALITY Hollywood SPFX guys make these all the time, and you can too with some plaster for an impression cast, and some foam latex. HINT: Shave your chest first.

  DO YOU WANT IT? Yes. Put them on sofas, on jewelry, on windows, on fruit, and all over yourself before that visit to the public pool.

  SAFETY TIP Don’t use super glue.

  * * *

  GADGET L
ittle Nellie portable gyrocopter with rocket launchers, machine guns, flamethrower, and heat seeking-missiles. Used by Bond in You Only Live Twice.

  USES Fly around, impress the ladies, drop stuff on people.

  COOLNESS Über-cool. Smaller than a helicopter. Not nearly as expensive to use as the Bell-Trexton rocket pack Bond used in Thunderball, but with a lot more firepower.

  REALITY Available on Ebay for under 20k, but without the weaponry. (Weaponry is available separately on Ebay.)

  DO YOU WANT IT? Of course you want it. Just think about all the stuff you could drop on people.

  SAFETY TIP From three hundred feet, a small honeydew melon can cripple a man.

  * * *

  GADGET Wrist watch with plastic explosive and detonator, used by Bond in Moonraker.

  USES Blow stuff up, threaten to blow stuff up.

  COOLNESS Cool. Blowing stuff up never gets old.

  REALITY Possible, and cheap to make. But you’d have to buy refills all the time. They always get you on the refills.

  DO YOU WANT IT? Yes. Excuse me, what time is it? It’s time to blow stuff up! Let’s start with that stupid seagull snorkel.

  SAFETY TIP Don’t play with all the dials until you’ve read the instructions.

  * * *

  GADGET Keys that open 90% of the world’s locks, used by Bond in The Living Daylights.

  USES Unlimited. Steal cars. Rob banks. Take the change from parking meters. Shop after hours. And never pay for a vending machine again.

  COOLNESS Opening stuff up: Cool. Walking around like a janitor with a big key ring: Uncool.

  REALITY Master keys exist, and can be found on the Internet. So can lock picks. So can lawyers, which you’ll need after you get caught opening up other people’s locks.

  DO YOU WANT IT? No. You’d probably just lose them.

  SAFETY TIP Don’t keep these in your back pocket while ice skating. Or your front pocket.

  * * *

  GADGET Surfboard with concealed explosives, combat knife, and mini computer, used by Bond in Die Another Day.

  USES Hang ten, then kill seven.

  COOLNESS Super cool. You can shred that gnarly barrel, and at the same time Google what the hell that means.

  REALITY It’s possible to produce, but be careful you don’t wax your mini-computer.

  DO YOU WANT IT? Of course. But instead of weapons and electronics, you can fill your board with soda and snacks (that you got for free at the vending machine.)

  SAFETY TIP Make sure the combat knife is properly secured before you hit the waves, or you’ll be hanging nine.

  * * *

  GADGET X-Ray eyeglasses, used by Bond in The World Is Not Enough.

  USES Seeing though things like playing cards, safes, walls, doors, and clothing (to look for concealed weapons and stick-on third nipples.)

  COOLNESS Perhaps Bond’s coolest gadget. It would sure make everyday life a lot more interesting.

  REALITY If you ever sent away for a pair of these in the back of a comic book, you know they don’t work, but what did you expect for $2.95? Your mother told you they wouldn’t work, didn’t she? Real versions may exist, but they probably cost big bucks. And cause cancer.

  DO YOU WANT IT? Sure you do. Just don’t take them to family reunions. Or retirement homes.

  SAFETY TIP Wear baggy pants.

  * * *

  GADGET Underwater manta ray cloak, used by Bond in License To Kill.

  USES Pretend you’re a manta ray, get close to other manta rays, get sexually assaulted by a manta ray.

  COOLNESS Not cool, unless you have a secret thing for manta rays.

  REALITY Can be made in real life, but for God’s sake why?

  DO YOU WANT IT? Only if you’re really lonely. You might also consider getting the seagull snorkel as well, and you can pretend you’re a ray chasing a seagull. You can play that one for hours and hours.

  SAFETY TIP If you spend more than $30 for this, you’re a real moron.

  * * *

  GADGET Lotus Esprit sports car that turns into a submarine, complete with mines, missiles, underwater ink jets, and self-destruct mechanism, that Bond used in The Spy Who Loved Me and Moonraker.

  USES Never take the ferry again, drive into swimming pool to fetch the quarters Grandpa throws in there.

  COOLNESS A hot car, and a hot submersible, all in one. Plus rockets.

  REALITY Boat cars do exist in real life, but they’re actually dorky looking, and driven by people who can’t get dates.

  DO YOU WANT IT? You know you do. But when purchasing options, go for an Alpine stereo and Bose speakers instead of a self-destruct button—it’s more practical.

  UNDERWATER TIP If you drive over a starfish and cut it in half, it will grow into two new starfishes, both of them very pissed off at you.

  * * *

  GADGET Dinner jacket which turns into a black sniper’s outfit, used by Bond in The Living Daylights.

  USES When black tie events become boring.

  COOLNESS Cooler than the light blue tux with the ruffle shirt which turns into an adult diaper, but not by much.

  REALITY They already have these for rent at Gingiss. You’ll need two forms of ID, and there’s a mandatory 14 day waiting period.

  DO YOU WANT IT? You don’t want to admit it, but yes you do. But then, you never had much taste in clothing.

  FASHION TIP Belts are okay, but the trendy sniper prefers suspenders.

  * * *

  GADGET Cigarette lighter grenade, used by Bond in Tomorrow Never Dies.

  USES No smoking means no smoking.

  COOLNESS Anything that blows up is cool (see plastic explosive watch.)

  REALITY You can put explosives into anything; lighters, bottles, cans, small animals, etc.

  DO YOU WANT IT? Absolutely. Think about taking it to a heavy metal concert when the power ballad is playing.

  SAFETY TIP Don’t get it confused with your real lighter because you might accidentally throw your real lighter at the bad guys and they’ll say, “Why’d you throw a lighter at us, stupid? Are we supposed to be scared?” Also, you might blow your face off.

  * * *

  GADGET Piton gun with retractable wire, used by Bond in Diamonds Are Forever and Goldeneye.

  USES Climb up buildings and rock faces, retrieve the remote control without getting up from the couch.

  COOLNESS Climbing, swinging, and shooting things are all cool.

  REALITY Wouldn’t actually be strong enough to hold a man’s weight, but you could have fun letting your buddies try it out.

  DO YOU WANT IT? Yes. It’s like being Spiderman, but without the webby discharge.

  SAFETY TIP Don’t point it at your own face, or at family members, unless you’re trying to climb them.

  * * *

  GADGET Exploding talcum powder tear gas, used by Bond in From Russia With Love.

  USES Personal hygiene, making enemies cry.

  COOLNESS Talc isn’t very cool. Neither is tear gas. But it does explode, which counts for something.

  REALITY It might already exist. It might not. Who cares?

  DO YOU WANT IT? No. You make your significant other cry all the time without gas, and no one uses talc anymore.

  SAFETY TIP Wear a gas mask before applying to your underarms.

  * * *

  GADGET Magnetic watch with circular saw, used by Bond in Live And Let Die.

  USES Cutting through rope tied around your wrists, finding screws you dropped on the carpeting.

  COOLNESS Having your watch face spin around really fast is cool. Cutting off your own hand at the wrist is uncool.

  REALITY Buy a chainsaw that tells time instead. It’s cheaper and more effective.

  DO YOU WANT IT? No. If you want a cool Bond timepiece, get the plastic explosive watch. Or the laser bean watch from Tomorrow Never Dies. Or the grappling hook watch from The World Is Not Enough. Or the ticker tape message watch from The Spy Who Loved Me. Or the digital radio watch from For Your Eyes
Only. Or even the Geiger counter watch from Thunderball—you can’t have too many Geiger counters around the house.

  SAFETY TIP Careful you don’t lose any fingers when you reset for different time zones.

  Remember: You’re never too old to play with toys. Especially explosive, potentially deadly, extremely expensive toys. Just think about how envious your friends and family will be when they see you driving around in your sporty new BMW 750 iL with the electrified door handles, bulletproof glass, re-inflating tires, and rear nail ejectors.

  Go ahead. Think about it. Because that’s as close as you’ll ever get to owning one, spy-boy.

  Now go boil your seagull snorkel—that thing is riddled with germs.

  A story about being a writer. It’s humorous, but there is a lot of truth behind the jokes.

  “What do you think?”

  I was a cup, waiting to be filled with praise. Instead I got silence. She sat there, my pages in her hands, staring at a point over my shoulder.

  “How about that ending?” I prodded. “Weren’t your surprised?”

  Miranda clucked her tongue. “I guessed the ending.”

  “You did?”

  “Yeah. And I really don’t think you need the first few paragraphs.”

  “Hold on a sec.” I motioned time-out with my hands. “The first paragraphs set the scene.”

  “Sorry—I didn’t think you needed them.”

  I looked away, then back at her. My friend, wife, companion for eight years.

  “Did you like anything?”

  “Joe, you’re a wonderful writer. But this story—I think you were just trying too hard.” She brightened. “I thought the middle part was funny.”

  My eyes narrowed. “When the character died?”