Wrestling With Desire

by D. H. Starr

"Exactly. So you repeat this process with beats and with all of the other sounds until you have uploaded everything you want. Then comes the fun stuff. The mixing."

  "Can we try it?"

  The way Scott asked the question, the genuine interest and enthusiasm, caused Derek's breath to catch in his throat.

  A wave of affection flooded his senses and he had to fight the urge to hug him as tightly as he could. "Heck yeah! Let's start mixing."

  Derek spent the next hour explaining the various parts of the mixing machine, how to bring in one sound and then blend a new sound on top of the one playing. His mixer 85

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  allowed for eight separate tracks to be played at once which could get quite complicated when you figured in balancing the volume, the level of the bass, fades from one set of sounds into a new set of sounds. Scott never became frustrated though. Whenever he wasn't sure what to do, he simply asked Derek how to do it, grinning and laughing with excitement the whole time. They could have continued for hours, but Derek's mother called them down for dinner.

  "That was amazing. I can't believe you know how to do all that stuff." Scott was staring directly at Derek with unguarded admiration and his blue-green eyes were dancing. Derek was shocked by how beautiful Scott looked at that very moment.

  "I got interested in playing around with my dad's record player when I was younger, and when I discovered the music store that sells these records for mixing in Harvard Square, I guess it all just sort of took off from there. I'm not all that great at it, but I'm passable and it gets me invited to all the parties." Derek didn't know why he had chosen to downplay Scott's compliment when he could have responded with a simple Thanks. Especially when Scott's praise made him feel like he was flying.

  "Well, I think it's so cool. I can't wait to hear you at this weekend's party."

  "Yeah, it will be fun." Derek didn't want this moment to end. He wanted to spend the rest of his life sitting on his attic floor with Scott. Reluctantly, he said the words he didn't want to say. "We should get downstairs before my mom comes up here and drags us to the table by our ears. When she cooks, she wants to see her dinners enjoyed." Derek nodded his 86

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  head towards the door motioning for them to head out. He pushed himself to his feet and extended his hand to help Scott up.

  Throughout dinner, Derek's parents questioned Scott about his home in Iowa, his parents, how he was enjoying Brampton High so far, and wrestling. Derek simply sat back and watched as his parents and Scott fell easily into comfortable conversation. He had had lots of friends over before, and his parents were always friendly and talkative, but seeing Scott and his parents together was different. He wasn't sure what it was, but he felt better than he could ever remember feeling.

  When dinner was over, Clair hugged Scott and gave him a kiss on his forehead. "You make sure to come around again."

  "Thank you so much Mr. and Mrs. Thompson. Dinner was wonderful. I can't remember the last time I ate a home cooked meal." As soon as the words escaped his lips, Scott's mouth clamped shut.

  Claire placed a hand on his shoulder, seemingly unaware of Scott's discomfort. "Please call me Claire and call him Henry." Henry stepped forward and shook his hand.

  In the car, Scott sat back against the seat, his head turned so that he faced Derek. "You're lucky. You know that right?"

  Derek turned to face Scott. "Sure. But what specifically are you referring to?"

  "Your parents. They're both so cool. They didn't even think twice about having me join you for dinner."

  "They're like that. Always have been. But yes, I agree with you. I have great parents."

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  Scott yawned. "I'm glad you invited me to your house. I've been wondering what your room looks like." The statement wasn't loaded with any underlying meaning, it was just a statement, but Derek's mind began to reel. "And the fact that you have that whole set up in your attic. It's awesome."

  Derek pulled up to Scott's house and let the engine idle.

  Turning to face Scott, all of the excitement and closeness of the evening seemed to intensify. Scott was the one who was good at saying things. It had never been Derek's strength. He had always felt safer observing. But tonight had been a night of taking risks. Why stop now? "Scott, I'm not just lucky because of my parents. I feel lucky that I met you this year."

  Scott let his head roll slowly on the headrest until he was facing Derek. There was no reservation or hesitation when he spoke. "I'm glad you told me that." There was something in the way he said it that made Derek want to reach out and touch him. To comfort him. Scott sat there looking at Derek for another minute, then faced forward, stretching his arms in front of him. "I better get going. I'll see you tomorrow at school."

  Derek watched Scott's retreating body as he walked up to his door. Tonight had been a good night. He had taken a risk and broken the routine. Hell, he had stripped in front of Scott, and he was pretty sure that Scott had been interested. But he needed to know for sure.

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  Chapter 6

  The rest of the week progressed as the whole month had with Derek trying to read beneath Scott's surface, attempting to detect signs and scrutinize them until his head hurt. There were plenty of hints: a glance that lasted a little longer than normal, the snap of Scott's head from his body to his face when Derek turned his way, their banter and playfulness.

  Scott had even come over to Derek's house every day that week, continuing their effort on the song they had been working on. But none of it brought Derek any closer to an actual answer. Does he like me that way?

  Although Derek, Scott, and Beck had agreed to meet up at Derek's house at 6:00pm to go to Josh's party together, Derek waited until Friday's Latin class to ask Beck to come over a bit earlier so they could talk. He hadn't had much time to spend with Beck since her rehearsal schedule had picked up considerably and he needed to talk.

  Beck showed up at around 4:00pm. After spending an obligatory few minutes with his parents, who hadn't seen Beck in ages, they headed up to Derek's room. Beck lay on his bed while Derek took his desk seat and placed it so he could face Beck while resting his feet on the bed frame at the same time.

  "So," Derek asked, "How's it going with Bryce and line rehearsals?" It was a lame conversation opener and he knew it, but he wasn't sure how to broach the topic of Scott with Beck yet.

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  Beck raised an eyebrow and tilted her head so she was staring directly at Derek. "Are you trying to tell me that you invited me to come over early so you could ask me about my rehearsal schedule?"

  Derek shrugged his shoulders and widened his eyes giving his best impression of an innocent puppy dog. "We haven't spent much time together lately and I just want to know how things are going with you."

  "Bullshit!" He was startled by the force Beck used when she said it. "Something's on your mind and you want to talk about it. So talk!"

  "Ok, fine Mrs. ESP Mind-Reader lady." Beck lay back down with a smug grin on her face. "It's Scott..."

  "I knew it. You are in love with him and obsessing, aren't you?" Beck's statement was delivered plainly enough, but her facial expression was hard to read. Her grimace could have indicated frustration or bemused acceptance. He wasn't sure.

  "Well, we've been hanging out for over a month now and I'm not making any headway towards figuring him out. I mean, if there were no signs at all, I would already have assumed he's straight, gotten over it, and moved on. But there are signs." Derek paused and stared at Beck for a moment. Now that he was sharing with Beck, everything became real. The problem with real was that it could go either way. It could turn out that his sense was co
rrect and that Scott was also gay. Or, it could turn out that he was seeing something because he wanted to. Something that wasn't really there. Either way, making it real ended the fantasy of what could be.

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  He was brought back to the moment by Beck's voice. "Ok, I am going to indulge you completely for this conversation, but I want to be frank. I'm worried about you. You are heading straight down the road to Hurtsville and I don't want to see that happen to you." Beck settled into a more comfortable position. "So, what are these alleged signs?"

  " That's supposed to be indulging me? You sound like you've already made up your mind that I'm nuts."

  Beck sighed. "All right, fine! Tell me what you've observed.

  I'll be open-minded." Derek looked at her through slightly narrowed eyes. "I promise. Look," she made a circular motion around her head, "mind open."

  Satisfied that Beck was as ready to hear what he had to say as she was going to get, Derek took a deep breath and let it out slowly. The words came spilling out of him. The compulsion to get it out of his head was not simply to prevent Beck from interrupting, but also to cleanse his brain. "Well, on the first day we met, after our run, we locked eyes for longer than you normally lock eyes with someone, then he glanced away and left pretty suddenly. The other day I had him over here and was showing him my mixing stuff upstairs and we were having an awesome time. He was really getting into it and we locked eyes again, but this time he didn't drop his gaze. He's come over every day this week to mix music with me. Also, I think I've caught him checking me out a couple of times and when I look at him, his head shifts suddenly and I swear I catch him blushing afterwards. And then there is his way of talking about his feelings and opening 91

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  up. None of my other guy friends are like that at all. I know it's weak, and I sound like I'm digging, but..."

  "Pro-JEC-tion!" Beck trilled the final syllable of the word dramatically. "Babe! Locked eyes. Furtive glances. Opening up. Come on. You can't really think that adds up to him being gay and into you, can you? First, you don't have open conversations with guys because your guy friends are Neanderthal jocks." Derek began to protest but Beck lifted a halting hand and he promptly closed his mouth. "Second, Scott is from Iowa. People are different from different places in the country. For all you know, everyone in Iowa sits around and pours out their innermost feelings at the dinner table just before saying Amen and digging in." Derek laughed out loud at that one. "And finally...glances at each other? You have to do better than that."

  "Ok, well, let me explain the glancing part. Most of what you just said, I would agree with, but the other day, when he was over here, I got undressed in front of him."

  Beck shot up into a sitting position. "You what?"

  "Calm down. I was just taking a shower because I smelled like the living dead after a long run."

  "Oh," Beck relaxed and laid back down.

  "But, I did notice when I looked at him after I took off my shirt that his eyes darted to the floor as if he had been staring at me. So, I decided to test him out and I dropped my pants and walked across the room in my jock strap to get my towel and...maybe I'm imagining things...but I swear he was checking out my ass. When I turned to look at him, he shot his eyes towards my face and was definitely blushing. Then, I 92

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  took off my jock and he didn't know where to look." Derek stopped talking and replayed the scene in his head. "That was the most embarrassing thing I have done in a long time.

  Anyhow, just before I left the room I turned to look at him and he was engrossed in readjusting himself." Derek finished and waited as Beck pondered this new bit of information. He felt the tension build up inside him as he waited for Beck to respond. After another minute or two he couldn't take it any longer. "Uh, Beck, you still there?"

  Beck sat up, turned her head slowly to face Derek, and placed a hand on his knee. The way she looked at him and then sighed, he feared that she was going to crush his hopes.

  That his fantasies were about to come to an end and she was going to explain to him why he was wrong. After another moment, she slowly shook her head, and then burst into a wicked grin. "You little TART! I had no idea you were an exhibitionist. That was a well-played maneuver my friend. I wish I could have been here to witness it. You know how partial I and the other girls are to your ass. Thank goodness you don't wear all those baggy, hang to your knees pants like the other boys hiding that precious gem of an asset of yours, pun intended. And then you stripped that off as well. I love it."

  "Beck, thanks, but totally not on point right now!"

  "Right, sorry." Beck collected herself. "So, you say he was adjusting himself. What, like changing positions or something?"

  Derek rolled his eyes. "Sometimes I forget that you're a girl."

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  "Thanks."

  "That's not what I meant." He gave her a knowing glance.

  "He was adjusting himself."

  Beck's eyes widened in understanding. "Ok, I'll give you that one. Guys don't check out other guys' asses and if they do it certainly doesn't cause them to have to...adjust themselves. Honestly, I don't know how you guys walk around with those things between your legs. They are so ugly and they must get in the way."

  "Beck. Still not on point."

  "Right." Beck flashed him a weak smile. "I still don't think you have a lot to go on though. But it certainly does seem that you aren't just allowing your imagination to run wild either. Let's keep our eyes peeled and see what happens."

  "So you think that there might be something there?"

  Before Beck could answer, Derek's cell phone vibrated on his desktop. He flipped it open. "Hello."

  "Derek, hey, it's Scott."

  Derek covered the receiver with his free hand and mouthed Scott to Beck. Her eyes widened a bit.

  "So, I thought maybe you could use some help getting your mixing equipment into your car and was wondering if you wanted me to come over a little early."

  Derek smiled into the phone. "Yeah, actually, I could use the help. Beck came over early too. We could hang out together before the party."

  "Oh," Scott paused for a moment. "Ok, that sounds great.

  How does fifteen minutes sound?"

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  Derek wasn't sure, but he thought that Scott sounded a little disappointed. "Come over whenever you want. We'll be here."

  "Great, well, I'll be there soon. Later." Whatever emotion Scott had been feeling, he had regained his cheerfulness.

  Derek hung up and placed his cell back on his desk. He looked at Beck who was staring at him open mouthed.

  "What?"

  "Derek, I'm seriously impressed. You've been obsessing for the past half hour. By any normal measure, you should have been a blubbering mess on the phone just now. Instead you were calm and collected. You've definitely got game my friend." She looked at him with clear admiration as they both headed down to the kitchen to grab a snack and wait for Scott.

  * * * *

  They arrived at Josh's house about an hour before the party was to begin so that Derek would have time to set up his equipment. Scott offered to help and the job got completed much faster than Derek was used to. Grateful for the extra time before other people started showing up, Derek walked over to Josh. "So, who's coming tonight?" "Actually, looks like it's going to be a friggin' bash.

  Originally it was just going to be about thirty of the core group, but last minute my parents told me they were heading out of town so now it seems like most of the senior class is going to show up tonight. Should be awesome!"

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  Scott had remained with the
mixing equipment, checking out the connections and testing the speakers. He was hooking up the final wires to the mixer when Derek walked back over.

  Looking up, his eyes sparkled with excitement. "I can't wait to hear you mix tonight. Now that I have an idea of how it's done and have seen you at work, I know the music is going to kick!"

  Derek smiled. Although low profile was his usual MO, he didn't mind that everyone recognized him as a must at parties. Nor did he mind that people talked about his music for days after a party. "Yeah, I'm pretty hyped up for it. I actually kind of lose focus on the party itself and concentrate on what people are doing and the vibe so that I can mix to that. It's kind of a power rush actually. I can control the crowd, bringing them up, keeping them there as long as I want, and then letting them down."

  Scott considered that for a moment. "You know, I wouldn't have pegged you as someone who got off on controlling others."

  Derek furrowed his brow not sure what Scott was implying.

  "Wait, I didn't mean that like it sounded." Scott smacked himself on the head. "I meant, music is supposed to take you someplace else, right? It's supposed to create a mood and an atmosphere that wouldn't exist in its absence. You create that mood. I think that's awesome that you like being the one who can provide that for others. It's just opposite of how you normally are when you are around other people."

  Derek relaxed, understanding that Scott was expressing admiration and not distaste. Being honest, Derek had often 96

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  questioned his comfort with being the center of attention when mixing as well. It was completely opposite to his normal behavior. Scott recognized it though. He paid enough attention to see the subtlety of my... Pushing the thought from his mind, he focused on what Scott had actually said. "I have noticed that you are really good at putting things into words. You say things that I think, but don't know how to say. Have you always been able to do that with your friends?"