Wrestling With Desire

by D. H. Starr

  Because I don't like to be the center of attention? That doesn't cut it where Scott is concerned. He's different. Still, there was a part of him that couldn't let go of old habits. Not yet. Instead, he decided to meet Scott half way. "Well, I know I admire you. If you admire me too, then I guess you're right."

  Scott scooted closer to Derek on the mat. "You know how I feel about you." His voice was soft, but there was no hint of humor when he spoke. "And one of these days I'm gonna put my foot down and insist that you allow me to tell you how fucking unbelievable you are without turning it back around into something about me."

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  Derek didn't admit to Scott how it made him soar knowing how Scott felt. He wasn't ready for that yet. But he wanted to be. Looking at Scott, seeing the way he looked at Derek with unguarded adoration, wrapped him in warmth and security.

  Knowing that Scott wanted to spoil him, to make him happy, to make him feel good, was a tough idea to accept.

  Examining the various thoughts rushing through his head, one emotion caught hold. Hope. More than anything, Derek hoped that he could get out of his own way and let Scott in completely, without any walls or protective barriers at all. But that wasn't going to be today. Wanting to lighten the moment, Derek leaned close to Scott, a mischievous grin on his face. "I can't wait to get you back to the attic."

  Scott shook his head. "Don't think I can't see what you're doing. But I'll let you get away with it this time." Scott stood up and reached down to help Derek to his feet. The two headed out together and half an hour later they were racing each other up the attic stairs.

  * * * *

  Pre-season practices began that Monday. Once the team was gathered in the wrestling room, Coach called for attention. "I wanted to gather the players who held varsity spots last year and any team members who wished to challenge for those spots this year before the regular season begins in a week. Although there can only be one person for each weight class, it takes all of us to push each other to be our best. Each week, we will hold challenges, so no one should assume that if they take a varsity weight class now 145

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  they are guaranteed the spot for the whole season. If one of you can't make a meet for some reason or gets injured, our team will only be as good as our challengers. If we are going to take division this year...and we can take division this year...we have to remember that we are a team that works together and not against each other. Are we in agreement with that?"

  The team shouted "Yes, Coach!" in unison.

  "Good." Coach's stance relaxed significantly. "I can't tell you how proud I am of this team. Many of you have been together since ninth grade, building what has turned into a class-A competitive team. This is your year boys. Practice for the next three days will be grueling. Josh is going to work you guys hard. If you need to puke, use the trashcan in the hallway, but haul your butts back in here afterwards.

  Challenges will take place on Thursday and Friday. Thompson has made a schedule and it's posted on the bulletin board in the corner over there." With that, Coach turned practice over to Josh and got out his clipboard.

  True to form, Josh worked the team hard, pushing them more intensely than the previous season. Each practice began with stretches, followed by sit-ups, pushups, and circuit training in the weight room. Josh had the team doing spins, sprawls, and sprinting in place every fifteen minutes. They reviewed basic moves for the first few days, and ended practices with scrimmage matches. The workouts were exhausting and Derek woke up each morning sorer than the day before.

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  On Thursday, the guys were buzzing with nervous energy.

  Each spot on the team, except for Power's, was being challenged. The only spot that had more than one challenger was the 167 weight class, so that was being spaced over two days. Derek had wanted to schedule Sean and Phil to face off on Thursday. That would have eliminated one of them and given Scott an energy advantage for the Friday challenge.

  When he presented the idea to Scott, he was met with firm resistance. "Derek, I know you want me to make the varsity team and are trying to be helpful, but I don't want to cut corners. You heard what Coach said the other day. We're gonna have to work harder than ever to take division. Let me wrestle both of them. If I lose, that will suck, but if I win, I'll have beaten both of them. Even if they are pissed, the team will have to admit I won fair and square."

  That afternoon, the entire team and all of the challengers crowded around the wrestling mat. Three of the four lowest weight classes went to the guys who held the position the year before. There was one upset at the 127 weight class where Carl Horton, a tenth grade student, beat out Kevin Fields, a twelfth grade student who had held the spot for the past two years. Derek's challenge was over in the first period.

  He took Bobby Dean down in the first ten seconds and had him on his back after twenty. Bobby put up a good fight and escaped a near pin, but Derek took him down a second time and cemented Bobby's shoulders to the mat for the three-count, securing the 135 weight class.

  Derek had scheduled for Scott to challenge Sean that day.

  When it was time for their match, a solemn silence fell over 147

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  the room. Sean and Scott walked to the center of the mat and took neutral position. Coach told them to shake hands. The second coach blew his whistle. Sean dove for Scott's foot and grabbed his leg taking him down just as Derek had in their practice that first day. The guys on the team cheered.

  "Two points, takedown," Coach called out. Derek held his breath. He could see that Scott was pissed that he had allowed Sean's speed to catch him off guard. Scott twisted his hips swinging them out in front of him so that he was sitting on his butt, breaking Sean's grip in one smooth movement, then quickly jumped to his feet.

  "One point, escape," said Coach. On their feet again, they started circling each other and Derek prayed that Scott would remember to watch Sean's legs. If Scott kept getting taken down he would lose by technical default even if he didn't get pinned. Sean reached to get the inside grip on Scott's arm.

  Scott wound his arm to tussle for inside position but Derek noticed he was paying little attention to the arm movements.

  His eyes were locked on Sean's legs.

  Scott waited for Sean to allow him to keep the inside grip, just as Derek had done during their practices. If he remembered correctly, Sean was probably going to try to pull him off balance and grab his leg. As predicted, Sean started forcing Scott to circle, slowly making him step further and further out, exposing his foot and making it an easy target for a quick grab. When Sean finally took a large step backwards, pulling on Scott's arm and expecting his foot to come forward for balance, Scott released Sean's arm, reached between their bodies and grabbed Sean's exposed foot instead. Lifting 148

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  Sean's foot, Scott had the advantage. He then placed a leg behind the foot Sean still had on the ground and took him down to the mat, quickly gaining control of the referee's position.

  "Two points, take down," Coach called out. "Score is three to two. Thayer in the lead." Once Scott had control of Sean on the mat, the match was over. Quickly maneuvered onto his back, Sean attempted to arch his way out of the pinning hold, but each time he arched onto his head, Scott was able to tighten his grip and further restrict Sean's movement. After a few more seconds, Sean was unable to move at all, his shoulders pinned squarely to the mat. Coach counted to three and slammed the mat.

  "Pin. Match goes to Scott." An eruption of cheers filled the room as the members of the team patted Scott on the back.

  Derek was smiling, but held back, allowing Scott to have his moment.

  On the drive home that evening, Derek gave Scott the accolades
he had wanted to give him in the wrestling room. "I was worried there at first, especially when he started circling you around like I showed you he would. But you did awesome. And it only took you one period. You'll have plenty of energy for tomorrow's challenge."

  Scott was beaming. "Yeah, when Sean got that first takedown I was so pissed at myself. I just went into my normal wrestling mode and forgot how you told me to watch his legs. But, when he started circling me, it occurred to me that if he was going to try to make me expose my leg, he would have to expose his leg as well. When he stepped back 149

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  to pull me off balance, I decided to beat him at his own game.

  It felt awesome."

  Derek was swimming in Scott's excitement. This couldn't get any better. I have this awesome guy as my boyfriend.

  He's into all the same things I am. And he can't shut up about wrestling.

  After a moment Scott turned to Derek. "You know, I have you to thank for everything. You really are incredible. You're a great friend, a sexy boyfriend, and one hell of a foxy little wrestler. This is turning out to be an amazing year."

  Derek felt the corners of his mouth pull up. I was wrong. It could get better, and it just did.

  The next day's challenge match against Phil was over even faster than Sean's. The varsity team lineup was finalized and Scott had made the team.

  [Back to Table of Contents]

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  Chapter 9

  That night after Scott left, Derek stayed up in the attic listening to music and recording sounds onto his DAT recorder to upload to his mixing board. Choosing slow beats, melodic vocals, flutes, violins, French horns, and other instruments which played fluid, romantic sounds, he already knew that Scott was his inspiration and thought of surprising him with a mix created just for him.

  He had just finished selecting the various sounds he was going to use in his mix, when his cell rang. Glancing at the caller ID, he saw that it was Beck. "Hey there, stranger.

  What's up?"

  "Can you get together right now? I really need a shoulder to lean on." Her voice was trembling, on the verge of tears, which was highly uncharacteristic of Beck.

  "Of course, sweetie. Are you ok? What happened?"

  "I don't want to talk about it over the phone. How about Starbucks in ten minutes?"

  "I'll be there in five." Hanging up, Derek switched off his equipment and went down to his room to grab his jacket. He stopped by the living room where his parents were watching TV. "I'm meeting Beck at Starbucks."

  His mother was flipping through a magazine on the couch.

  "Okay, hon. Tell her we said hello." She glanced up to look at Derek. "And tell her she should come over for dinner sometime soon. It's been far too long since we've seen her."

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  "Sure thing, Mom." He scooted over to his mom and gave her a kiss on the cheek. "See you later Dad."

  His father turned to him. "Have fun, son."

  Derek arrived at Starbucks exactly five minutes later and saw Beck at a small table with two worn cushioned seats in a secluded corner. She sat in the seat facing the wall and was dabbing at her eyes with a napkin. "Beck!" Derek leaned over her shoulders from behind, squeezing her in a tight hug. She gestured to the open seat and a grande coffee sitting on the table.

  Picking it up and taking the seat, he studied Beck. Her eyes were puffy and red. She was sniffling and had one leg curled under her. The hand that she wasn't using to dab her eyes was tightly hugging her chest. Derek didn't think he had ever seen her in such a protective posture. Giving her a moment to pull herself together, he waited until he was sure she was ok. "What happened, Beck?"

  "It's Bryce. We were rehearsing lines at my place. I thought we were getting really close. We've been laughing and joking and playfully tickling each other. During breaks, we would talk about our hopes of becoming stage actors in New York and discussing how we wanted our lives to turn out.

  It felt like we had so much in common. That we were connecting." She sniffled and blew her nose in her napkin.

  Crumpling it, she tossed it onto the table and began dabbing at her eyes with a new one.

  "So, tonight I decided I would take a chance and see if maybe he felt the same way about me as I was beginning to feel about him. We were lying on my bed, staring at the 152

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  ceiling and listening to the musical soundtrack to Wicked. He hasn't seen it yet, so I was telling him the story between each song. He was so interested and when the music was over he told me how much he respected my passion and knowledge for drama and music. It was really sweet. So I told him."

  Derek was pretty sure that he was following the conversation, but didn't want to assume anything. "You told him what?"

  She whipped the napkin to her lap and stared at him with annoyance. "I told him that I really liked him and was wondering if he might want to go on a date with me."

  "Peace, Beck." He put up two fingers in the peace gesture while instinctively hunching protectively into his seat. "I figured as much, but I didn't want to make any wrong guesses here."

  "Oh, don't mind me. It's not your fault that I'm a hopeless, silly girl who believes that any of the boys at our school would be even remotely interested in me." She sniffled and tears started rolling down her cheeks once again.

  "Beck, don't say that. You are the most amazing girl I know. Any of the guys at school would be lucky to be with you."

  She sighed and turned a softer gaze on Derek. "You're really sweet to say that, but you have to, you're my best friend."

  "I don't have to say it. I'm saying it because I know it's true. So, what happened when you...what...asked him on a date? Did he reject you? Was he nice about it?"

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  "Worse. He told me that I was beautiful and funny and talented and that he would normally be thrilled to go out with me." Now Derek was becoming confused. "But..." She blew her nose again as a fresh wave of tears streamed out of her eyes and her shoulders started shaking. "But, he said that he's gay. It's my worst nightmare come true."

  "Uh...ouch!" Derek knew that she didn't mean to insult him, but the comment stung anyway.

  Realizing what she had just said, she looked at Derek with wide eyes full of contrition. "No, I didn't mean that being gay is the worst thing in the world. It's just when I like a guy and he turns out to be gay. That's—."

  "I get it Beck. No worries. So, what did you do?"

  Beck's cheeks flushed. "Well, you know me, and you know how I am always trying to be discreet..." Derek cocked an eyebrow and tilted his head. "Oh shut up! Fine. I flipped. I told him to get out of my house and to never talk to me again. But now I feel horrible because the musical is in two weeks and we are going to have to spend so much time together."

  "Well, it is a musical and you guys are supposed to be acting, right?" Derek could immediately tell that his attempt at humor was seriously misguided as her sadness transformed to shock in a matter of seconds. "Sorry, I was just trying to lighten the mood. So what's really bothering you? Is it that you don't want to have anything to do with him or that you feel bad about how you reacted?"

  "Oh, Derek. I just feel awful. I wish I could take it back and redo the whole scene." Beck paused, mouthed the words 154

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  she had just said, and then smiled timidly. "Whoops. That kind of makes me sound a little shallow doesn't it?"

  Derek shook his head. Beck was returning to her old self.

  "And what would you do differently if you could?"

  "I'd tell him that I understood and that I was horribly embarrassed and hoped he could forget I ever said anything."

  A
new round of tears began to roll down Beck's cheeks.

  "So do that." Beck stopped sniffling and slowly lifted her head to face Derek. "Do it. Call him and tell him that you over-reacted and that you didn't mean what you said, and that you are a silly, silly diva who needs to be spanked." This time Derek's effort at humor was met with a better response.

  Beck giggled once, and then said, "Shut up, Derek. You are so not funny." Then she laughed again. "I guess I am a bit of a diva aren't I?"

  Derek smiled, got up, and sat in her lap. Taking her cheeks in both hands he planted a big kiss on her lips. "You're my diva and I love you. Want that spanking now?" Beck shoved him playfully, laughing even harder. "Seriously. Call him.

  Right now with me sitting here. I want to hear how it goes."

  Beck looked doubtful. "You really think I should call him.

  Right now?"

  "Definitely!"

  Beck dug in her purse and pulled out her cell phone. "If he hangs up on me I will never forgive you ever. If he is angry with me and makes me feel even worse I will take your nuts and—."

  Derek made a talking motion with his hand. "Beck, less threatening, more calling."

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  She stuck out her tongue and dialed the number. "Hi.

  Bryce, it's me. No, I'm not mad at you...what?...why are you sorry?...But I was calling to tell you that I'm sorry...I know, but you were just telling me the tru...Will you stop interrupting me? I'm calling to tell you that I was a total bit...Bryce O'Neill! If I say that I am a bitch, then I am a bitch and you will not tell me differently. Do you understand?"

  Derek dropped his head into his hands and rocked it gently.