Wrestling With Desire

by D. H. Starr

  Bryce ignored Derek's comment. "I guess she probably told you about me being...you know."

  Derek looked at Bryce, not sure what he was referring to.

  Then Derek remembered and the memory hit him hard. "Uh, yeah. She called me that night that you told her."

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  Bryce stepped a little closer to Derek, leaving only a few inches between them. "You know, I've never seen you with anyone." He reached out and placed his hand on Derek's arm.

  "I've wondered whether..." The words trailed off as Bryce leveled his gaze directly at Derek with unmistakable attraction.

  All of Derek's instincts went into overdrive and told him to move slowly, speak calmly. He didn't want to make any sudden movements, but the rage flowing through his veins made that a difficult task to achieve. Behind gritted teeth, Derek managed to speak in a voice that was barely above a whisper. "Bryce. I'm only going to say this once, so listen carefully. Get your fuckin' hand off of me right now. Even if I were interested in this conversation, this is so not the place to be having it."

  Bryce didn't remove his hand. Derek had to hold his breath and count to three to calm the fury that intensified inside of him. "But I thought, I mean I hoped, that maybe we could—."

  "You thought wrong. Now let go of me or else..." A sudden movement caught Derek's attention and he looked to the entrance of the kitchen. His eyes locked with Scott's. He was standing at the door and had a hurt look on his face. Turning on his heels, Scott walked out of the room.

  "Shit!" Derek yanked his arm away from Bryce and rushed out of the kitchen, trying to catch up to Scott who had stormed up the stairs to the bedroom where the coats were.

  "Wait. What are you doing?"

  Scott started searching for his coat. "I'm going home."

  Derek put his hand on Scott's arm and tried to turn him so 180

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  they could face each other. Scott jerked his arm out of Derek's grip.

  "What's wrong?" Derek knew that he had seen Bryce's hand on his arm in the kitchen, but he found it hard to believe that Scott could actually think that anything was going on between them.

  "Nothing's wrong. Why don't you just go back downstairs and hang out with your new boyfriend?"

  Scott's tone was sarcastic, but Derek could hear a quivering in his voice underneath the stoic front. Stunned, he opened his mouth and then closed it again. It took him a moment to compose himself before he could speak. "My, what?"

  Scott turned on Derek with a vicious look in his eyes.

  "Bryce, your new boyfriend. I have been looking for you for the past half hour. I couldn't find you anywhere. Next thing I know I see the two of you hanging off of each other like two little..." The quivering became more pronounced and Scott turned away from Derek, continuing his search for his jacket.

  Derek was distinctly aware of two warring emotions playing inside his head. On the one side, he was panicking.

  He didn't want Scott to be upset with him and he was afraid that Scott might pull away from him or worse, break up with him, over a simple misunderstanding. On the other hand, he felt a warm tingle creep up his spine and fill his chest. Scott is jealous of Bryce. Ridiculous, but sweet nonetheless. "Scott, I was looking for Beck and Bryce brought me to her."

  "And that took you thirty fucking minutes?"

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  Derek shook his head. He didn't want Scott to be this upset over nothing. "Beck was getting...she made me promise not to tell anyone, but you need to know. Just keep in mind, when I tell you, if you mention it to her I may still be your boyfriend, but I won't have any balls." Scott's glare didn't soften. There was no hint of a smile. Derek sighed, realizing that humor would get him nowhere until Scott calmed down. "Beck was getting sick and I was helping her.

  Bryce was with me because he had to show me where Beck was."

  Scott didn't look at him, but he had stopped looking for his coat. "Let's say I believe that Beck got sick. Then what was going on between you and Bryce in the kitchen?"

  Derek had wanted to avoid going into details. Scott was an understanding person, but not as cautious as Derek. If the roles had been reversed, Derek was pretty sure that even if he was upset, he would have waited before making any kind of a scene. Once he let Scott know that Bryce had come onto him, he wasn't sure how Scott would react and he didn't want to be the center of a gay teenage drama with the whole senior class watching. Still, Scott needed to know. If he and Scott were a couple, then there was no room for secrets. Not when a question was asked directly like Scott had just done.

  "Look. Please. Promise me you won't go bananas when I tell you."

  Scott stiffened and turned to face Derek. "Just tell me already. Whatever you have to say can't be worse than what went through my mind when I saw the two of you together holding each other in the kitchen."

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  When Scott turned to face him, Derek could see his eyes were red and glistening. Jesus. He's really upset about this.

  "Ok, but please at least try not to fly off the handle." Derek took a deep breath. "After we got Beck back inside, she went to the bathroom. After she left, Bryce kind of..." He didn't want to say it. Once the words were out he would have no control over how Scott reacted. "Bryce basically came out to me and then hit on me. That's what you saw when you came to the kitchen. I'm pretty sure he was about to tell me he hoped that I might be interested in him. Fortunately for him, you showed up and distracted me just before I was about to punch him in the face."

  Scott stood still. Derek searched his face, but couldn't read any emotion there. Finally, Scott's shoulders sagged as he let out a deep breath. "I guess I was wrong. That is worse than what I imagined."

  "What?" Derek felt that it was safe to walk closer to Scott without him continuing to pull away. "What were you thinking?"

  "I was thinking that the two of you were flirting."

  "And how is what I just said worse than that?"

  "Because, he was doing something to you that you didn't want and I wasn't there to protect you." Scott sat down on the bed. "And before you say anything, I know, I'm behaving like a shit right now. It's just I saw you with him and..."

  "And you thought the worst. I get it. I would have through the same thing." Derek walked over to Scott and sat on the bed next to him. "We're both new to this. But Scott..." Derek tentatively placed a hand on Scott's chest. He waited until 183

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  Scott was looking directly at him. It was with a quiet voice filled with as much soothing as he could manage, that Derek finished his thought. "...there is only one person that I want and he's in front of me right now."

  A tear escaped from Scott's over-brimming eyes and slowly trickled down his cheek. Using the inside of his thumb to wipe the tear away, Derek wrapped first one arm and then the other around Scott's waist and rested his head on Scott's chest. "Mmm," he hummed, "You are really warm."

  He felt Scott wrap his arms around his shoulders and squeeze him tightly. "I'm sorry. I saw the two of you together and I became incredibly jealous. I'm not used to feeling that way with anyone. Especially not with someone I..." Scott's abrupt silence caused Derek to look up. The raw, pure affection he saw in Scott's face took his breath away. He tilted his head upwards and kissed him gently on the lips.

  "Want to get out of here?"

  They found their coats, headed out without stopping to say goodbye to anyone, and walked the few blocks to Derek's car in silence. Derek turned the heat to full blast and rubbed his hands together waiting for the car to warm up. Scott hadn't spoken since they left the house. When he did, his voice was quiet and he was staring at his hands. "I'm sorry."

  Derek turned to Scott. There was nothing for h
im to be sorry about. "Don't be. It's kind of flattering in a way, although I do hate to see you upset and I really hate the idea that you thought that I could possibly want anyone else."

  Scott lifted his gaze from his hands and turned to face Derek. "It's just that I have never felt this way before and it 184

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  scares and excites me at the same time. I mean, knowing that I'm gay is one thing, but I've never met anyone who made me really understand what being gay meant. Do you know what I mean?" Derek wasn't sure he did so he remained silent. "It's like I knew that I liked guys and that when I kissed girls, I wasn't feeling the things that my buddies were talking about. But with you, when I kiss you, everything in my body starts to race. I think about you all the time and when I'm not with you, I want to be. Seeing you tonight with Bryce scared the shit out of me. Not because you've given me any reason to be afraid that you would hurt me, but I know how hurt I would be if you didn't want to be with me anymore."

  Scott's lower lip started to tremble and Derek could see his eyes begin to glisten again. Now he understood exactly what Scott was trying to say. As much as it warmed him to hear Scott verbalize everything that he himself felt but couldn't say, it troubled him that Scott was so insecure about how strongly Derek really felt about him. How deep Derek's feelings actually ran. "Would it help if I could show you that you aren't alone with those feelings you just described? If you knew that I feel exactly the same way that you do, would that make you understand that I would be just as hurt if you didn't want to be with me?"

  Scott shook his head. "You shouldn't have to do that.

  Besides, how can you show something like that?"

  Derek took Scott's hands and brought them to his lips, kissing each one. "I know I don't have to prove anything to you, but I also know that I keep a lot of stuff in. I've told you 185

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  that a million times. I am better at expressing my feelings and emotions through my music and through wrestling, not with words. So, do you want me to show you that you aren't alone with how you feel?"

  Scott's body slunk into his seat in resignation. "Ok, show me!"

  Derek opened the glove compartment and pulled out a thin gift-wrapped present. "This was going to be one of your gifts for Christmas, but I think now is the perfect time to give it to you."

  Scott took the present from Derek and opened it. It was a CD. Written in Derek's handwriting on the surface was Tranquility. For Scott. From Derek. Scott ran his fingers over the case then looked at Derek. "You made me a mix?"

  Derek was brimming with excitement. He had been imagining what Scott's reaction would be like when he opened this present. The shock and pleasure did not disappoint. "It's a song that I mixed while thinking about you. You could say that you were my inspiration for it. Go ahead, put it in. Listen to it."

  Scott opened the case and popped the CD into the car stereo. After a moment, the car began to fill with a soft, primal beat. Derek had dulled the bass so that the beat created a sense of being alive, like a heartbeat. The vocals were high soprano ballad-like Ahs which harmonized one another in complex chord combinations, causing the sounds to mix in exotic ways when they struck the inner ear. They were flighty and caused a sense of disorientation, not knowing exactly which direction the song would take you.

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  Male vocals entered the mix next, giving the song strength and foundation. Combined with the female vocals, the music created a sensation of being suspended between the ground and the air, but somehow causing a feeling of stability. Finally as the flutes and violins weaved in, the song filled out with passion. The flute evoked longing and sensual pleasure while the violin formed the heart of the music...the melody that held everything together.

  Scott sat in the heat of the car, eyes closed, listening to the music. Derek watched him become lost in the world he had created through sound. Finally, while the music was slowly winding down, Scott opened his eyes and turned to Derek. Tears were streaming out of both eyes. "That's how I make you feel?"

  "That and more." Derek leaned over so that his face was only an inch from Scott's. "Do you understand now that you are all I want? I may not have words, but it doesn't mean that the feelings aren't there."

  In answer, Scott wrapped his arms around Derek, pulling him out of the driver's seat and laying him across his lap.

  Cradling him in a strong embrace, he lowered his lips to Derek's and kissed him gently and slowly.

  They savored the feel of their lips as their mouths molded together. Derek ran his fingers through Scott's hair while Scott drew him even closer, tightening his embrace around his shoulders. Derek allowed the lofty female vocals to guide his emotions and felt the male vocals come to life through Scott's touch.

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  When they parted from the kiss, Scott looked down at Derek. "I feel like an idiot now. I'm really sorry I lost my mind there for a minute."

  Derek smiled and gave him another short kiss. "It's ok."

  "It's just that I am so used to losing people. I've moved so much that I've learned to believe that people will disappear on me, and that I shouldn't rely on anyone being there for me for the long haul." It hurt Derek to hear Scott communicate such a lonely feeling. "And with how I feel about you, it's really scary. I don't want to lose you, Derek."

  Derek hugged Scott as tightly as he could. "That's not going to happen. I promise." He slowly climbed out of Scott's lap and back into the driver's seat. "You ready to head home?" Scott nodded and Derek turned on the car. They listened to the song several more times as they drove.

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  Chapter 11

  The weekend following the cast party found Derek and Scott surrounded by books and listening to music in the attic.

  With midterms coming up, along with the big meet against Lexington, the weeks leading up to winter break promised to be extremely busy. Armed with hearty meals and frequent snacks provided by Derek's mother, they had little reason to go anywhere else. Their fight, if you could call it that, the night of the cast party had served as a catalyst to draw them even closer together. Scott was more secure than ever about Derek's feelings for him and became increasingly affectionate.

  Derek sat on the floor, leaning between Scott's legs, reviewing his Latin vocabulary. Scott was unconsciously brushing his fingers through Derek's hair while reading their English book. Letting out a sigh, Derek dropped his head backwards to rest on Scott's lap. "I think I need a break."

  Scott closed his book and scooted over on the couch making room for Derek, lifting his arm so Derek could crawl next to him. "I could use a break as well. Any ideas?" Scott winked at Derek with a glimmer of seductive playfulness in his eyes.

  "Yes, that idea had crossed my mind, but actually I was thinking that I could really use a run." Derek got up and started pacing around the room.

  Scott observed the uncharacteristic jitteriness with curious fascination. "Is everything ok? You seem pretty jumpy."

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  Derek continued pacing, his arms brushing through his hair. He could feel tension building up inside his chest. "It's Tuesday's meet against Lexington. I'm stressing out about it."

  He walked over to the stereo, started rifling through his CDs, couldn't decide on any that interested him, and turned around with an exasperated sigh.

  Scott stood up and walked over to Derek, grabbing his wrists and holding him firmly in place. He was grinning, but his eyes conveyed sympathy and understanding. "Stop.

  You're getting anxious for nothing. We've been studying all weekend and have been cooped up in here for almost two days. A run sou
nds like a good idea. I think I left my running clothes in your car. Get changed while I go and grab them."

  Scott's calm contrasted starkly with Derek's nervousness as if they were teetering on opposing sides of a see-saw.

  Allowing Scott to take control of the moment, they descended the attic steps together and Derek went into his room to change. A couple of minutes later, Scott joined him with his running clothes.

  They were just about to head out the door when Scott's cell phone rang. Scott looked at the caller ID. It was his mother. "Hey, Mom. What's up? Hang on a sec, let me check." Covering the mouthpiece with his hand he walked over to Derek. "Mom just asked if you want to come over for dinner. She feels guilty that your mom has been feeding me for practically the whole year."

  Derek forgot his anxiety over the match just long enough to realize it had been replaced by a completely new reason to feel edgy. He had met Scott's mother a few times in passing 190

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  and had only seen his father once when he had arrived home from one of his business trips. He had never had to actually make an impression on either of them. With trepidation, Derek decided that it was probably a good idea. "Sure."

  "Mom, yeah. We were just going to take a study break to go running, but then we could head over after that. What time is dinner going to be?" He nodded at her answer, which Derek could not hear. "Ok, see you then." Scott's face was lit up with a beaming grin when he turned to look at Derek.

  "Cool, you'll get a taste of my mom's cooking for a change. I know she isn't around much, but when she puts a meal together, it's fantastic. Not as good as your mom's, but still pretty good."

  They headed to the kitchen and found Derek's father sitting at the table working on a crossword puzzle. "Hey, Dad, where's Mom?"

  His dad looked up, a pleasant smile on his face. "Hey boys, you've kept yourselves caged up all weekend. How's the studying going?"