Wrestling With Desire

by D. H. Starr

  Derek was relieved that he had last class with Scott. The day had been nerve-wracking and he continually lost his focus worrying about his opponent for that evening. He wished he knew something about the person he would be wrestling.

  Sitting in the back of history class, his nerves began to set in and he fidgeted with his pencil, tapped his foot, and sighed repeatedly, anything to relieve the excited angst that was building up inside of him.

  Scott, on the other hand, was a portrait of calmness. He had seemed to float through the day, becoming more and more tranquil and assured as the day progressed. Derek was amazed at his composure and poise. He had never known a member of the team to remain so controlled before a match.

  203

  Wrestling With Desire

  by D.H. Starr

  Towards the end of class, Scott leaned over to whisper in Derek's ear. "I want you to meet me in the parking lot by your car after school." When Derek asked him why he gave him a simple look and repeated, "After school."

  As soon as the bell rang, he got up, gathered his belongings from his locker, shoved them into his bag, and followed Scott to the parking lot. When they arrived at his car, Scott said, "Get in. Give me the keys." Unable to come up with an argument, he handed over the keys and got into the passenger side of his car.

  Scott said nothing as they drove along the river, finally stopping the car at the side of the road next to the Foot Bridge. "Let's get out here." Scott opened the door and walked to the middle of the bridge. Derek followed and stood next to him. Sliding behind Derek, Scott wrapped his arms around him, lowering his chin to rest on his shoulder.

  "Sometimes I come out here by myself to watch the river flow by. I look over the side of the bridge and tune everything else out. I ignore the cars, people, even the bridge, and just focus on the flowing water. It makes me feel like I've stepped out of time and place into my own little world...kind of like when I was home in Iowa and ran along the wheat and corn fields.

  During those moments, when it's just me and the water, I am able to focus on myself and what's going on with me."

  Derek felt a chill run up his spine and wasn't sure whether it was the cold wind or what Scott was saying. He leaned over the bridge to look at the water. The current was moving rapidly, the surface rippling with angry white froth. Derek considered how much energy went into causing that water to 204

  Wrestling With Desire

  by D.H. Starr

  move so quickly. It was a simple law of nature causing the water to flow. No reason, no explanation, just flowing water.

  "Why are you showing this to me, Scott?"

  Scott leaned in close, hugging Derek even closer.

  "Because, when I spend these moments here alone, watching the water move along its path, I realize that I am the one who has the power to make things happen for myself.

  Nothing makes the water move. It just does." He released Derek and stood next to him, looking over the edge with him.

  "Today, you've been a nervous wreck. Maybe that's how you need to be, although for the life of me I don't know why. But, you'll win today because you're a good and focused wrestler, not because you built up your nerves and have adrenaline pumping through your veins."

  Derek considered his words. "I was amazed at how calm you've been today. I've never seen anything like it from any of the other guys on the team." He continued to watch the water as it pushed past the legs of the bridge. "Explain to me how you can remain so confident."

  "It's not confidence. It's accepting that I am the one who is in control of what I do. When I feel like things are beginning to overwhelm me or to take over my actions and thoughts, I come here. Like when my dad is around and lectures on the evils of all that is non-academic, I become someone I'm not. I become quiet, passive, submissive, afraid.

  Then I come here." The two of them stood there, leaning over the edge for a few seconds. When Scott continued speaking, his voice had taken on a dream-like quality. "The water isn't influenced by others. It does what it is meant to do, nothing 205

  Wrestling With Desire

  by D.H. Starr

  more, nothing less. And I remember, that is what I'm meant to do. Nothing more and nothing less than what I'm meant to."

  Derek understood. He could see the pure logic of it. Why allow things he could not control to influence the way he felt and acted? Why give power to things outside of himself?

  "You're amazing, Scott. Thank you for taking me here."

  Scott hugged him closer, kissed the back of his neck, and then whispered in his ear, "You are a great wrestler. Just wrestle. Stop thinking about the things you can't do anything about." He led Derek back to the car and they drove back to the school. They had only been gone for twenty minutes, but to Derek, it felt like they had traveled to another world and back.

  * * * *

  They arrived at Allistaire High at 5:15. After changing, the team took the mat and warmed up. Josh went easy on them, not wanting to expend too much of their energy before the meet. They did a set of sit ups, some push ups, and two sets of spins to get their muscles warm and limber. As the Allistaire team took the mat, the spectators, who appeared to be most of the school, started screaming and cheering. Derek's parents were sitting on the bottom bench of the bleacher nearest their team. His mom had brought a cooler of Gatorade and was handing it out in small paper cups to his teammates. She also had a large bin of sandwiches for them once they finished their matches. Power walked up to Derek's 206

  Wrestling With Desire

  by D.H. Starr

  mom. "Hi, Mrs. Thompson. Glad to see you haven't lost your touch with the provisions."

  Claire smiled at Power. "Well, I think I have improved my rationing techniques." She held up a bag containing two sandwiches. "I am saving this for you for after your match."

  Power turned to the rest of the team. "This woman is a Goddess." His voice seemed like it had legitimate devotion in it. Derek shook his head at Power's comment, but was proud that his mom was so cool.

  When Scott went to get some Gatorade, Claire gave him a hug. Derek's dad clapped him on the shoulder. "Good luck.

  We'll be the ones cheering the loudest for you."

  Scott gave her a hug. "Thanks Mrs. Thompson." Looking up at the bleachers, he saw his mother sitting towards the middle, surrounded by a number of parents. He waved for her to come down. "Mrs. Thompson—."

  "Please, call me Claire."

  "Uh, sorry, right." He waited for his mother to arrive at his side. "Claire, Mr. Thompson, uh, I mean Henry. I want you to meet my mom, Shannon." Shannon extended her hand just as Derek walked up.

  Shannon was dressed in a smart outfit and looked bright and cheerful. "Shannon Thayer. It is such a pleasure to finally meet you. Scott has told me how you have made him feel right at home at your place. I feel terribly guilty that he has to spend so much time without us around. Your son is a pleasure. A real gentleman. I am so glad that he and Scott have become such good friends." Derek was touched by her generous sentiment.

  207

  Wrestling With Desire

  by D.H. Starr

  Claire reached an arm out, waving for Derek to come closer. Wrapping her arm around his shoulders she gave him a big kiss on the cheek.

  "Mom, you're embarrassing me."

  "Shush." She playfully tussled his hair. "That is very kind of you to say Shannon. It's a pleasure to meet you as well."

  She reached out her arm and waved for Scott to come over, giving him the same hug and kiss she had given Derek. Scott blushed and Derek had to admit that he felt a bit better since he wasn't the only one getting her affections. "He knows he is welcome anytime."

  Derek motioned for Scott to join the team. Once out of earshot he said, "Sorry, she gets all motherly at the meets."

  Scott smiled. "Derek, it's awesome. You are so lucky to have parents like Claire and Henry. I'm psyched that my mom is going to watch the meet with them. She looked kind of out of place by herself in the bleachers."<
br />
  At 5:30 the referee called the two team captains to the mat. Each meet began with the team captains shaking hands in the center. The first four matches went pretty much as expected. Neither wrestler pinned his opponent. Allistaire had won three of the matches giving them a nine to three lead over Brampton.

  Derek was the fifth match. Walking onto the mat, he surveyed his opponent. He was taller and thinner than Derek, which meant that he probably wouldn't be as strong, but it would be more difficult to gain control of his lanky arms and legs. Could be worse. I'll call him Slim. They faced each other in the center of the mat and took neutral position. As soon as 208

  Wrestling With Desire

  by D.H. Starr

  the referee blew his whistle, Derek shot for Slim's leg, snatching his foot and standing up. He used his left leg to step in front of the foot Slim still had on the mat and brought him down.

  Before Derek could gain control, Slim twisted out of his grip and got back to his feet. Damn it. I hate long legs and arms. They continued to circle each other, Slim grabbing at his arms, fighting for inside control. Ok, think. How can I use his body to my advantage? As he continued attempting to gain inside control of the arm, he realized that his hand was able to wrap entirely around Slim's upper arm. Got it. Now I know what to do. He allowed Slim to gain inside control, carefully watching for any offensive moves that could catch him off guard. Derek used his outside grip of Slim's arm to pull gently and see how he reacted. After two or three gentle tugs, Derek yanked on the arm, pulling him off balance. He used the momentary disorientation to move behind Slim, wrap both arms around him, and step in front of his feet, tripping him down to the mat.

  Now that Slim was under control and had no arm leverage, it was fairly easy for Derek to place a half-nelson hold on him and begin the process of rolling him to his back. He found it difficult to maintain the half-nelson because Slim's arms were so long, but eventually he had a secure hold. Derek tightened his grip. When he saw the ref begin to count, he held on with all of his strength. With three waves of his arm, the ref slammed his hand on the mat and the match was over. Derek had won.

  209

  Wrestling With Desire

  by D.H. Starr

  Jumping up, he ripped off his headgear and threw his arms in the air. The cheer he received caused far less reverberation in the auditorium since the spectators were largely Allistaire students and families, but Derek didn't care. His team was jumping up and down and his parents were screaming at the top of their lungs. It was Scott who caught his attention last.

  He had his crooked grin on his face and his blue-green eyes seemed to be glowing with pride. He gave Derek a wink and mouthed I told you so. If Derek hadn't just spent so much energy wrestling, he was sure his cock would have become rock hard on the spot. Derek's pin had tied the team scores at nine to nine.

  There were three more matches before Scott's. Two of his teammates lost to the Allistaire wrestlers and one of his teammates won setting the score at fifteen to twelve in Allistaire's favor.

  Scott's match wasn't even close. He took his opponent down right off the whistle. Derek was impressed, never having seen Scott move so quickly. He had control and quickly locked his opponent in a cradle and the match was over in thirty seconds. Brampton was now up eighteen to fifteen.

  Josh's match was disastrous. During the first period, he seemed to be in control having taken his opponent down and gaining points for exposing his opponent's back to the mat twice. In the second round, the two kept reversing each other which maintained their point spread. In his third round, Josh made the fatal mistake of reaching back to try to grab his opponents head in a headlock. He found himself locked in a 210

  Wrestling With Desire

  by D.H. Starr

  half-nelson hold. He fought the grip for about forty-five seconds, but ultimately wasn't able to keep from being rolled onto his back and pinned. Allistaire now led twenty-one to eighteen.

  Power, true to his name, overtook his opponent, almost causing a penalty when he lifted him straight off the ground and dropped him to the mat. If he hadn't lowered to his knees before his opponent touched the mat, the move would have been considered a slam, an illegal move in high school wrestling. Using his tremendous weight, Power flattened his opponent, pinning him within seconds.

  The Brampton spectators and wrestlers went wild, screaming and hollering. It was a pitiful display compared to the gloomy hush that overtook three-quarters of the auditorium from the Allistaire spectators, but no one seemed to notice or care. Brampton had won. The only person who couldn't enjoy the celebratory madness was Josh who sulked off to a water cooler along the wall.

  After the match, most of the team took rides home with their parents. Derek's parents and Shannon had suggested that they go to Uno's in Harvard Square to celebrate the victory against Allistaire. During dinner, Derek and Scott meticulously reviewed each match, move by move, planning to keep solid track of the players and their weaknesses so that their team would be better prepared for the next time they competed against them, which would be at the division championship tournament. When it was time to leave, Scott asked if he could accompany Derek, who had to get his car from the school parking lot. Shannon agreed and Derek's 211

  Wrestling With Desire

  by D.H. Starr

  parents drove them. Before leaving they congratulated both boys once more and suggested that they not stay out too late since it was a school night.

  Sitting in the car in the darkened parking lot, Derek turned on the radio. He leaned towards Scott. When Scott turned his head, Derek clamped their mouths together, grabbing him to pull them even closer together. After minutes of bruising kisses which left both of their mouths red and swollen, Derek broke away and shook his head to clear his mind. "Scott.

  I'm...I...You..."

  Scott sat there gazing at Derek with an amused look on his face. "Full sentences please."

  Derek held up his hand. "No, I have something I need to say, and am determined to use my words tonight." Scott became silent and waited for Derek to continue. Derek's heart began to race and a tingling sensation ran up and down his back. Words had never been easy for him, but he was going to say this. His whole life, he had carefully shielded himself from taking risks and making himself vulnerable to ridicule and gossip. It wasn't until he had met Scott that he realized the price he had paid for his lifetime of maintaining his guard.

  He had never allowed himself to feel the kinds of things he now felt with Scott.

  As much as he knew Scott cared for him, and knew that Scott had opened him up to new feelings, he was scared. He knew that his fear was simply a residual effect from years of keeping everything in and he owed it to Scott and to himself to take a step forward and allow them to become closer.

  Derek took a deep breath and looked at Scott. Scott's eyes 212

  Wrestling With Desire

  by D.H. Starr

  were locked on Derek as he patiently waited. Derek felt his reservations melt under Scott's compassionate and understanding regard. He took both of Scott's hands. "I love you, Scott. I am totally, head over heels, in love with you."

  Derek let out a huge sigh of relief once he had gotten the words out.

  Scott stared at him, stunned. He hadn't expected Derek to proclaim that he loved him, but as soon as he heard Derek say the words, he knew that he felt them too. "I love you, too. So much."

  The kiss that followed their declaration to one another was soft, slow, and sweet. As far as they knew or cared, they were the only people in the world.

  [Back to Table of Contents]

  213

  Wrestling With Desire

  by D.H. Starr

  Chapter 13

  The school was an explosion of activity the next day.

  Students and teachers congratulated the wrestling team.

  Signs appeared on the walls, prophetically predicting a sure championship for them. At the same time, teachers were churning out study guides for m
idterms that would be taking place the next week.

  Derek, Beck, and Scott used study hall to prepare for their English midterm together, quizzing each other on vocabulary, literary terms, and details about the books they had read.

  Each felt confident that they were well prepared. After practices, Derek and Scott continued their studying in the attic, particularly focusing on history, which was the other class they both shared. Overall, they felt confident that they would do well.

  Scott was sprawled on the floor, reviewing his calculus notes and doing the practice problems his teacher had assigned when he suddenly slammed his book shut and let out an exasperated growl. Derek, who had been lying on the couch diligently answering his science study-guide questions, looked up. "Problems?"

  Scott jumped to his feet and walked over to the window, peering out at the heavy flakes of snow that, as the meteorologist had predicted, had begun that evening. It was estimated that six inches would accumulate by morning. "It's my dad. He came home last night and gave me a talking to. "

  Scott punctuated the last words with finger quotes.

  214

  Wrestling With Desire

  by D.H. Starr

  Placing his science book face down on his lap, Derek sat up and turned his attention to Scott.

  "He started like always. You know, like at dinner that night, saying how academics come first and everything else is a distraction. But this time he actually added an ultimatum.

  He said that if I didn't pull straight A's like I had in Iowa that he would pull me from the wrestling team." Scott was gripping the window sill and Derek could see the bones of his knuckles pressing tightly against his skin.

  "Do you really think he would do that? I mean, you have been doing great in school. Does he really expect straight A's?" Derek wasn't as concerned about Scott not being on the team as he was about how Scott would feel if he couldn't be on the team. He was beginning to really dislike Scott's father.