Wrestling With Desire

by D. H. Starr

  "Of course it's ok. You know you can talk to me about anything you want."

  Scott remained fidgety, pulling a pen from the front pocket of his bag and clicking it so that the pen head popped in and out. "It's going to be hard for us to spend much time together. The only times that we will be alone are when you pick me up and drop me off. I just want to make sure you understand that it's not because I want to spend less time with you."

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  After his relief at seeing Scott at school and their affectionate reunion, Derek hadn't considered that their distance from each other would only be marginally reduced now that he was back. "I know. I appreciate you saying so though. We'll figure it out somehow, right?"

  Scott took Derek's hand. "I hope so. My dad can make things very difficult for me if I don't give him what he wants.

  The best thing that could happen is that I bring up my calculus grade quickly. Then things can go back to normal."

  Scott released Derek's hand and stared at his lap. "I hate that I don't have my cell phone. My dad even said he didn't want me using the internet, so we can't even chat on AIM or anything." Scott punched his leg. "This sucks."

  Derek felt his stomach begin to churn. Not only would they see less of each other, but their two main methods of communication were cut off as well. He reminded himself that it wouldn't help things to complain. "Like you said. Once you get your calculus grade up everything will go back to normal."

  He sounded much more hopeful than he was feeling.

  "Right. I really am sorry Derek. It's not fair that this has to affect you too." Scott stared through the windshield with a blank expression on his face.

  Scott's misery was written all over his face and Derek wanted to erase it. This was his father's fault and Scott had enough to deal with, without feeling guilty about how Derek was affected by his punishment. "Scott, I know you're not just making up excuses or brushing me off. I'm not going to pretend that this doesn't suck, because it does, but I understand." When Scott didn't look at him, Derek took his 239

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  hand and pulled him close. Scott looked at him with bleary eyes, brimming with tears that were on the verge of spilling down his cheeks. "Don't worry so much. This is something you can't control. Don't let it rule you. Do what you need to do. If I can help, I will."

  Scott's eyes opened as if he had just thought of something. "I said something like that to you on the day of the Lexington meet when we were looking at the water. I forgot all about that."

  Derek smiled, knowing full well where this advice had come from. "It was a good message. Don't forget it." Scott needed to remember the water under the bridge. He needed to remember that there was only so much that he could control and not to let the things he couldn't control affect him.

  Leaning toward Scott, he gave him a soft kiss. When Scott got out of the car, he called after him. "See you tomorrow."

  Scott waved and shut the door.

  [Back to Table of Contents]

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  Chapter 15

  Over the next few days, the temperature dropped significantly with a cold front sweeping in from the north.

  That, combined with shorter days and the heavy cloud cover, caused a sullen atmosphere to settle in throughout the school.

  Derek's routine had shifted once again since they had returned from winter break. He was still picking Scott up before school and dropping him off after practice, but without spending the time with him after practice in his attic, he felt listless. He and Scott had found moments to escape during the day, particularly between the end of school and before practice, but the moments were fleeting and didn't provide enough time for them to really connect the way they had before winter break. More than anything, that was what Derek missed.

  To take his mind off things, Derek spent most nights listening to music and mixing songs. Wanting to veer away from the typical dance songs he usually mixed, he began downloading music with ambient, mellower beats and sounds.

  Groups like Enya and Supreme Beings of Leisure served as his muse.

  Derek was listening to a record that contained relaxing beats, which created a tranquil atmosphere, when his attention was jolted from what he was doing by a knock on the attic door. Turning to see who it was, he was surprised to see Beck standing there. He hadn't spoken to Beck since her 241

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  outburst a few days earlier and their separation felt like an impenetrable wall between them. She looked timid, a look that Derek had never seen on her before. "May I come in? I'm not interrupting you am I?"

  Derek turned the volume down on the record player and walked to the couch. "Come on in. I didn't know you were coming." Beck walked into the attic and hovered around the couch. She was playing with the strap of her purse and wouldn't look him directly in the eye. Both confused and intrigued by this unprecedented behavior, Derek patted the empty space next to him on the couch. "Sit."

  Beck sat next to Derek and placed her purse on the floor in front of them. "Derek, I'm so sorry about the other day. I don't know what came over me. I was just so worried about you all through winter break and then, as soon as you saw Scott, your mood shifted so suddenly. It really scared me. I'm not sorry that I'm worried about you, but to attack the two of you the way I did at lunch was inexcusable. And the things I said to you..." Her eyes welled up with tears and a few spilled down her cheeks.

  Derek was taken aback. Beck had never issued an apology without having been chided into it before. Even then, her apologies were usually begrudging, followed by but and some excuse why her actions had been justified, essentially negating the effect of her apology. "I have to admit, I was shocked and it did kind of piss me off. Why did you do that?

  Why couldn't you have just talked to me?"

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  with understanding. "I don't know. I wanted to, but something in me just snapped. I had been holding in all of these unexpressed concerns about you. I was trying to help you to feel better over break and none of my efforts were working. Then, as soon as you saw Scott, it was like he turned on a light switch and your mood instantly became cheerful again."

  Derek wasn't sure what Beck was getting at. "Are you jealous of Scott? Did you feel like you should have been able to make me feel better and were upset that Scott did?"

  "No, absolutely not. I swear that's not it, although I certainly understand why you might think so. Especially since I know which buttons to press to get you to react pretty much any way I want." Derek couldn't help the chuckle that escaped from him. It was true. If anyone knew how to elicit a specific reaction from him, it was Beck.

  When he looked back at Beck, she was smiling. It was timid, only half a smile, but she was lightening up. "It's like I have been saying all along, Derek. I'm concerned that you aren't being careful and that you'll get hurt. Maybe I should just mind my own business and let nature take its course. But watching you go from depressed to elated just by seeing Scott, I felt worried and helpless. You can't let any one person have that much influence over you. You have to be able to make yourself happy. Friends, boyfriends, family...we can all help you by being there for you as you work through your feelings. But you should be the one who masters your own emotions. No one should have that kind of power over anyone else."

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  Derek considered what she had said. He was usually a reflective person, so it was surprising to realize that he had done so little of it over the past couple of weeks. "You've been thinking about this a lot haven't you?"

  Beck took Derek's hands. "It
's all I have been thinking about. But I have been especially regretful since Monday. It's been killing me, knowing that I behaved so badly and not making things right between us, even if it has only been three days. I just needed to make sure I really knew what it was that bothered me so much before I came to you."

  Any feeling of frustration and anger he had been harboring towards her for the past few days melted away. He leaned over and hugged her. "Beck, thank you so much for coming over. I hated the small distance that has been between us, even if it was only for a short time. I don't know if I could stand it not having you there as my confidant and partner."

  Beck returned his hug, and then held him at arm's length.

  "You could stand it. That's what I am trying to tell you. You don't need anyone in order to be happy. Don't misunderstand, you will never have to go without me being right there by your side, but you don't need anyone.

  Remember that. You can figure your own shit out. Don't let anyone become so central that you lose yourself. Don't forget that the guard you have kept up your whole life can serve a good purpose. It helps you to know that you are the most reliable person that you can count on."

  "Wise beyond your years, Beck." Although Derek meant it, he said it with a bit of sarcasm.

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  "Well, I can't take all the credit. I did call the Psychic Friends Network last night and asked them how this conversation would go."

  Derek cocked his head in surprise. "Really?"

  Beck smiled, "Oh my God. You are so gullible. No, you moron. Do you really think that I would waste my time or money talking to some washed up, Dion Warwick wanna-be, Psychic Friends Network freak? Give me just the slightest bit of credit."

  Derek laughed, happy that some semblance of their old banter had returned. "Hey, help me pick out some sounds from this new record. I'm going for a new feel in the songs I am mixing."

  * * * *

  By Friday's practice, the team was back in shape and excited about their match against Waltham in two weeks. If they won that meet, they would have successfully defeated both teams that were potential contenders for winning the division championship. It was motivation to keep them pushing hard. After practice, Josh asked the guys if they wanted to head into Harvard Square for pizza. He had maintained a serious demeanor in practice, most likely determined to ensure that he did not suffer another loss like he had with Lexington. The core group, Sean, Phil, and Power, immediately said they would go. "How about you, Derek? Scott?"

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  parents ruled his life. "I can't. I have a big calculus test coming up and I need to hit the books."

  Josh shrugged. "Suit yourself. Derek, you coming?"

  Derek looked first at Scott, then at Josh. "Uh, maybe. I have to run home first though. Maybe I'll catch up with you guys later." Derek knew that Scott was feeling guilty about not being able to spend more time with him, so he had pushed the topic. Still, he couldn't fathom that Scott's parents wouldn't at least let him out of the house on the weekend.

  Risking the chance of placing Scott in a worse mood, he decided to broach the topic. "Scott, I was wondering if you might possibly be able to ask your dad if you could go out for maybe a little while tomorrow or Sunday. Do you think that he would say no to that?"

  Scott turned to Derek with a sad look in his eyes. "I told you, Derek. When my dad makes up his mind about something, it's final until he changes his mind. He won't let me off the hook, not even for five minutes on the weekend."

  "I know, but I just thought—."

  "I know what you thought and I'm telling you that he won't allow it. All you're doing right now is making me feel even worse about it."

  Scott's comments stung. That was precisely what he had not wanted to do. "Sorry, I just thought I would ask."

  Scott's posture softened as he turned to Derek. "No, I'm sorry. I know this is hard on you too and it's not fair. You should go to Harvard Square and hang out with the guys.

  There's no sense in both of us having a ruined social life because of my problems."

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  "Naw, I think that I'll just head home and listen to my music and continue mixing. I've been experimenting with new sounds."

  Scott placed his hand on Derek's shoulder. "You should really go out and have fun. I feel guilty thinking that you are putting yourself on house arrest along with me."

  This is not what Derek wanted to hear. "I don't want to go out with the guys. I want to go out with you." He hadn't meant to sound petulant, but since it was already out, he left it there.

  Scott removed his hand from Derek's shoulder. "What do you want me to do Derek? If I ask to go out it will only make things worse. I've already told you. Once my calculus grade comes back up, the restriction will be lifted."

  A heated wave of irritation shot from his gut to his head.

  His words escaped before his brain had a chance to force his mouth to remain closed. "You aren't even willing to try to ask for a break. You're just accepting this like your dad has the right to treat you however he wants." He was sorry the second he said it, but once again, he didn't take the words back.

  Scott's eyes flared as he grabbed the passenger side door handle. "You don't know a thing about what my father is like.

  You may not understand why I am settling for my dad's treatment of me, but that's because you have parents who don't expect perfection from you. Maybe if my mom would stand up to him I'd be able to comply with your wishes, but she won't. So I'm stuck. You don't have to be. Go have pizza 247

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  with the guys." With that, Scott got out of the car, slammed the door, and walked into his house.

  Derek was stunned by Scott's outburst. He knew that he shouldn't have pushed the topic, but he half hoped that his obvious desire to spend time with Scott would at least soften him up a bit. He hadn't expected for Scott to get so angry.

  As he drove himself home, he chastised himself for not realizing that Scott had spent time thinking about the differences between their parents. He felt kind of stupid. How could he not have thought about it? Derek always knew that his mom and dad were great. His next thought came as a sudden blow. I've taken them for granted.

  Scott did not have such a luxury. His father was gone most of the time, and when he was around he applied tremendous pressure and imposed harsh punishments. Scott's mother was warm and loving, but would not stand up for him to his father. Pulling into his driveway, Derek was feeling quite guilty about pushing Scott. That wasn't what Scott needed from him. He got enough of that at home. Derek should be a source of relief, not an added stress.

  Derek's parents were having dinner in the kitchen when he entered the house. They both looked up when he came in. His father was refreshing his mother's wine glass. "You're home early for a Friday night. What's Scott doing tonight?"

  "He has some studying to do for a big calculus test on Monday."

  His mother's face took on a perplexed expression. "He hasn't come over all week."

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  Derek felt his chest begin to constrict. "Well, he's been working on bringing his grade up in that course."

  His father began to refill his own wine glass. "I'm sure you boys would rather go out on a Friday night rather than hang in."

  It wasn't going to do him any good to pretend that things were ok. All it would do is make him feel guilty. The last thing he needed was to feel another negative emotion. Grabbing a plate from the cabinet, he cut himself a large portion of the lasagna his mother had made and spooned a huge pile of broccoli onto his plate. He looked first at his father, then at his mother,
and then began speaking. "Scott got a B- in calculus and his father has told him that he can't go out at all, or use his phone or computer, until he has brought the grade back up to an A. He got A's in everything else, but apparently his father expects him to get straight A's."

  As he spoke, he saw his parents' brows crease. His mother watched him studiously, observing his body language. When he finished, she spoke up. "It sounds like Scott is going through a difficult time right now, and has some challenging issues that he is facing at home."

  She paused, considering what to say next. "Derek, you do know that your father and I are very proud of you and are very happy with your grades. We respect your ability to balance school and wrestling. Your friends have always been good people. We love you very much. There's nothing you could do that would change that." Derek's father's mouth was full so he simply nodded his agreement with what his mother had just said.

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  Derek felt a lump form in his throat and took a large gulp of water to push it back down. "Actually, I was just thinking about that in the car." His mother clasped her hands in front of her on the table. "No, not that you had concerns about me.

  What I was thinking about is that you both have been really great. You support everything I do, come to all of my meets, and rarely give me any trouble over my grades."

  He turned to his mother, giving her a meaningful look. He placed his hand over hers before speaking again. "This is the house where people always want to come because they know that you will feed them." She smiled.

  Derek took in a deep breath and sighed. It was so much easier to think the things that he felt. Putting things into words was always such a struggle. "I guess what I am trying to say is thank you. I always just assumed that parents were basically the same, but I'm beginning to see that they're not.

  So, thanks for being so cool."