Fire by Night

by Lynn Austin

  “Phoebe?”

  She turned and saw Dr. McGrath leaning against the back door.

  “Is there more of that bread somewhere?” he asked.

  “Here,” she said, handing him a fresh loaf. “They left a whole bunch. Help yourself.”

  “Thanks.” He tore off a piece and chewed slowly, gazing into the distance at the farmer’s trampled wheat field and the low hills beyond. Phoebe thought she’d never seen a man look so weary and still be standing.

  “We’re leaving tomorrow,” he said after swallowing. “Our orders just came. General Meade is going to pursue Lee’s army, and since he’s expecting a fight, he has decided to take most of the army’s surgeons along. Only about a hundred or so will stay behind.”

  “That’s not very many doctors for all these men.”

  “No. It’s not. They’re saying there might be as many as twenty thousand casualties here.”

  Phoebe shook her head, unable to comprehend such a number. She knew that her old regiment had taken part in the fighting at Gettysburg, and she longed to search among the dead and wounded for Ted. But with so many thousands, it was like searching for a needle in a haystack. It had been nearly a year since she’d last seen Ted. She wondered if she would ever see him again.

  “I’ll leave it up to you to decide if you want to come with me tomorrow or stay here to help,” Dr. McGrath said. “Once the rail lines are restored, the injured will be evacuated to Baltimore and Washington. You can work at Fairfield Hospital if you’d like.”

  Phoebe thought about it for a moment. She was afraid that the other doctors would never let an uneducated backwoods gal like her be their nurse. “No, I’ll go with you, Dr. McGrath.”

  He nodded absently and tore off another piece of bread.

  “Some Confederate doctors stayed behind with their men,” Phoebe said after a moment. “What will happen to them? Are they prisoners now?”

  “I don’t know.” He shrugged, then went back inside.

  The summer sky seemed to stay light a long time after sunset as Phoebe stood in the yard, thinking about Dr. Daniel Morrison from Berkeley County. There were a lot of things in her little Bible that she still didn’t understand, but there was no mistaking the Lord’s command to love your enemies. She sighed and picked up one of the loaves of bread, knowing where she was most likely to find the Rebel doctor.

  “Dr. Morrison?”

  He had been kneeling beside a patient, but he quickly stood at the sound of her voice and swept off his hat. “Evening, ma’am.”

  She had to look up to see his face. “I thought you might like some bread before it was all gone.”

  “Thank you kindly. Will you have some with me?”

  “No, go ahead. I already ate mine.” She fidgeted awkwardly, staring down at her shoes. “I’m leaving tomorrow,” she finally said. “I’ve come to say good-bye …and to tell you that I’m sorry I wasn’t very friendly yesterday. It’s just that …the Rebels killed my brother Willard. I know it wasn’t your fault. I got no right to hate you for it.”

  “That’s okay, Phoebe. I understand.”

  She exhaled in relief. “I was also wondering what was gonna happen to you. Are the Yankees gonna let you go when you’re finished here, or will you have to go to prison?”

  He shrugged. “They haven’t told me yet. I hear there are several thousand wounded Rebel prisoners here in Gettysburg besides my own men. Guess if I have a choice, I’ll stay with them.”

  “Well, I wish you luck, Doctor.”

  “Thanks. It has been a pleasure making your acquaintance.” He stuck out his hand to shake hers. “If you’re ever in Berkeley County when this war’s over, you come see me, okay?”

  She nodded and then looked up at him again. “My last name’s Bigelow. I’m from Bone Hollow. It’s right next door in Morgan County.”

  He smiled broadly. “It sure is. Maybe our paths will cross again, Phoebe Bigelow—God willing.”

  Julia walked down the long path between the rows of tents, searching for Nathaniel. The July afternoon was sweltering, and she unfastened the top button of her dress as she walked, then rolled up the long sleeves. Her mother would scold her for exposing her fair skin to the sun, but it was impossible to carry a parasol while nursing sick patients. Better to let her skin darken than to faint from the heat.

  She finally found Nathaniel crouched beside the last tent, pounding in a stake. She paused to watch him. His bare forearms were tanned from the summer sun and dappled with freckles; his golden hair was bleached a shade lighter than usual. He stood and grabbed the tent pole in his fist, shaking it slightly to test it. He was a fine-looking man.

  “Nathaniel!” she called.

  He looked up and smiled when he saw her. She had scarcely talked to him in the three weeks they’d been in Gettysburg. The Commission’s male and female volunteers had been housed at separate tent sites, and she and Nathaniel had worked at different tasks during the day. When the badly needed medical tents had finally arrived, he and the other men labored for a week to set them up. The new field hospital had six rows of tents with four hundred tents in each row. Each tent could hold twelve patients.

  The wounded had been collected from temporary hospitals all over Gettysburg, including the church where Julia had been nursing. The line of stretchers was a mile and a half long as volunteers transported the soldiers to the new hospital.

  “I got your message,” she said. “You wanted to see me?”

  “We’re finished here,” he said, gesturing to the tent. “Our group is returning to Philadelphia tomorrow. Can you help me spread the word among all the ladies so everyone will be ready to leave?”

  Julia had already accepted an assignment at the new hospital, caring for two dozen gravely ill men. She had been dreading the day she would have to tell Nathaniel, unsure of his reaction. “I’m not going with you,” she said quietly.

  He folded his arms across his chest, his face turned to stone. “Don’t do this to me, Julia.”

  “I need to stay. There is still a terrible shortage of doctors and nurses. I can help save lives. I know how to dress wounds and which warning signs to watch for. There are so few experienced nurses. I’m needed here.”

  “You came with the Commission. It’s my responsibility to see you safely home.”

  “And what will I do once I’m there? Did you ever stop and think about that? How can I sit around sipping afternoon tea when people are dying?”

  “Your father entrusted you to my care. What am I supposed to tell him?”

  “The truth—that I defied both of you and stayed behind. I’ll write him a note if you’d like.”

  He ran his fingers through his thick hair and exhaled angrily. “You’re making a mistake. Scripture clearly says that we are to honor our father and mother—”

  “Stop it, Nathaniel. You know as well as I do that the Lord’s greatest commandments are to love God and love our neighbor. I’d be committing a much greater sin if I turned my back on men in need so that I could sit in a comfortable church pew in Philadelphia.”

  Nathaniel paced angrily in front of the empty tent. He looked as though he wanted to smash something. “You force me to have such conflicting feelings, Julia. I admire you so much. I don’t know how you do this work. I can barely stand to see these pitiful souls. And the smell …What you do is remarkable.” He stopped pacing and turned to her, pleading with her. “But you’re going to be my wife. Can you understand that I feel protective of you? That I want you to be safe and sheltered?”

  “Yes, of course I do.” She rested her hand on his arm to soothe him. “But I’m quite safe here. There are other Christian Commission volunteers from other cities who are staying longer—”

  “That’s not the point,” he said, shrugging her hand away. “I know that our engagement isn’t official. I have no right to demand that you return to Philadelphia with me. I understand why you want to stay. … ”

  “Then why are you so angry with me?” />
  He began pacing again. “This isn’t easy to say …without sounding like I’m…”He exhaled angrily.

  Julia had heard his blunt opinion of her two years ago after Bull Run. Anything he said now couldn’t possibly be as devastating as that had been. “Just tell me,” she said.

  He hesitated. “You are a very strong-willed woman, Julia.”

  She almost smiled. It felt like a compliment. “These times call for strength,” she said quietly. “I’ve talked to some of the women in this community, and I’ve learned that the war has forced them to do all manner of things in their husbands’ absences—plow fields, run their shops and businesses…”

  “Yes, and ever since the war began, you’ve been given an extraordinary amount of freedom for a woman of your social standing. But when we’re married …Scripture commands the husband to be the head of the household. The wife is commanded to submit to him. I need to know if you believe that. Or if you intend to defy me the way you’re defying your father. Because my home will be run according to God’s law.”

  “Our home,” she whispered.

  “Pardon?”

  “Nothing.” This was the way marriage was for every couple Julia knew. She had been raised to expect nothing different. She loved Nathaniel. He was a godly man, not a tyrant. The war would end, and nurses would no longer be needed. Things would go back to the way they’d been since Adam and Eve. Nathaniel would no longer need to feel threatened by her strong will.

  “Of course that’s the way our home will be,” she said. “I won’t defy you. In our marriage vows, won’t I be promising before God to obey you?”

  “And a husband vows to protect his wife,” he said. “That’s all I’m trying to do.”

  “I know. But neither of us has taken those vows yet. I’m serving God here. We can trust Him to look after me, can’t we?”

  He nodded reluctantly. Julia saw some of the tension in his body ease. Neither of them spoke for a long moment. Then Julia said, “Please don’t be angry with me. We may not see each other for a while.”

  He sighed. “I’m not angry.” Some of the warmth returned to his eyes, but his face was somber.

  Julia wanted him to hold her, to reassure her. She longed to know what it felt like to have his strong arms surrounding her and to rest her head against his shoulder. They were relatively alone, sheltered behind the last tent in the row. She moved a step closer.

  “Will I see you again before you leave?” she asked, gazing up at him.

  “Probably not.”

  She wanted him to kiss her. Instead, he took her hand and pressed it.

  “Good-bye, Julia.”

  Chapter Twenty-one

  Philadelphia

  September 1863

  Julia stared out of the window as the train slowed. The familiar sights of Philadelphia were all sliding past, but she felt no joy in returning home. With her work in Gettysburg finished, the heavy sadness that had weighed on her when she first came home from Washington settled over her once again. Her growing relationship with Nathaniel had helped lift the shadow for a while, but now she was quite certain that she had lost him.

  Nathaniel hadn’t answered any of the letters she’d sent from Gettysburg. She knew he’d been angry with her for going there in the first place and angry with her all over again for staying behind. He had surely changed his mind about marrying her after learning how outspoken and strong-willed she was. And he obviously hadn’t believed her when she’d promised to be a submissive wife. Convinced she had lost him, Julia had spent the long journey wondering what she would do with herself once she was home.

  But when her train finally pulled into the station late that afternoon, Julia saw Nathaniel standing on the platform. Her heart squeezed at the sight of him. The gloomy train station was filled with people, but he stood out in the noisy, jostling mob as if lit by a beam of sunlight. She quickly looked around for her parents, thinking Nathaniel must be meeting someone else, but her parents weren’t there. As the conductor helped Julia off the train, Nathaniel spotted her and a broad smile lit up his handsome face. He pushed his way toward her and lightly kissed her cheek in greeting. She was afraid she might cry.

  “Do you have any baggage?” he shouted above the clamor of hissing steam and excited voices.

  “No, I came with only these two.” She showed him the two satchels she carried, one in each hand. He took the bags from her.

  “Take my arm so we won’t get separated,” he said. She linked her arm through his as they plowed through the crowd to the street outside. She was surprised to see her family’s coachman waiting at the curb. Nathaniel had come in her father’s carriage.

  “There is so much to tell you,” Nathaniel said after they’d settled inside. “I hardly know where to begin.”

  “I’ve missed you,” she said. “Did you get my letters?”

  “Yes, I got them.” But he offered no explanation for not answering them as his words poured out in a rush of excitement. “Julia, I’ve spoken to your father. He has given me his permission to marry you. We have his blessing.” He seemed nervous suddenly, the first time she’d ever seen him that way. He dug in one pocket, then the next, then finally looked relieved when he found what he was searching for in the inside pocket of his jacket. His fingers shook slightly as he opened the small box and removed a ring. He took her hand. “Will you marry me, Julia?”

  “Yes, yes, yes!”

  She could scarcely contain her joy. She watched his face as he looked down to slide the ring onto her finger and saw that he was blushing. She wanted so badly to throw her arms around his neck and kiss him, but she waited. He finally looked up at her again. They were alone in the enclosed carriage. They were going to be man and wife. Nathaniel leaned toward Julia and briefly pressed his lips to hers. Then he settled back in his seat once more.

  Was that all? Julia struggled to hide her disappointment. They had been apart for two months, he had just asked her to marry him, and all Nathaniel had to offer her was a quick, chaste kiss? She didn’t want to remember the passion of James’ kiss, didn’t want to think about him ever again, but Nathaniel was making it very difficult to forget.

  “Your parents would like to announce our engagement at a formal party that will be held in your home,” he said. “I believe your mother has already begun making the arrangements. I’ve asked my father and mother to come from New York for the event so that everyone can get acquainted. We will also be announcing our engagement to my congregation with a small reception.” Nathaniel recited these plans as if organizing some mundane event, not their engagement. Julia could barely restrain her excitement.

  “How soon will we be married?” she asked.

  He frowned slightly. “Well, that’s something we need to discuss. I suppose you’ve heard about the Federal draft call that was issued this summer?”

  “Yes, of course. When I was in Gettysburg, I read in the newspaper about the awful riots in New York.” All men between the ages of twenty and forty-five had been enrolled in the military draft, and when the first names had been selected in New York City, bloody rioting had broken out. Rosalie’s husband had paid a three hundred dollar commutation fee to be excused from military service, but the average man couldn’t afford such a high price. Julia felt a tremor of fear. “What does the draft have to do with us?”

  “I’ve decided not to wait to be drafted. I’m going to enlist.”

  “No!” she cried. “Nathaniel, you can’t!” All of the horrors that Julia had witnessed on the battlefield, all of the bloodied, suffering, dying men, came back to her in an instant. The mutilated bodies all had Nathaniel’s face. She couldn’t breathe. The carriage seemed to spin in circles until she was certain she was going to be sick.

  “Wait, Julia …listen. I’m sorry; I should have explained it better. I’ll be an army chaplain, not a soldier. Listen…” He gripped her shoulders, shaking her slightly. “Don’t faint on me. You’re quite pale. Are you all right?”

  “
You won’t be fighting?”

  “I’ll be assigned to a regiment, and I’ll be marching and camping in the field with the men but not as a combatant.”

  Julia had been to enough battlefields to know that enemy artillery shells could strike the men in the rear as easily as those on the front lines. “Please don’t do this,” she begged. “My father will pay for your substitute if you’re drafted. Please…”

  “It’s too late. I’ve already arranged to enlist. I want to go, Julia.”

  She closed her eyes, struggling for control. “How soon are you leaving?”

  “Not for a few months. Are you all right?”

  She nodded weakly. “We’ll be married before you go, won’t we?”

  He hesitated for a long moment. “No. That wouldn’t be fair to you. How can I be a proper husband to you when I’m hundreds of miles away? And my army pay will be even worse than my minister’s salary.”

  “I don’t care. Other married men have left their wives to go to war. Besides, I’m sure my father will provide for me—”

  “No. I won’t marry you until I can provide for you myself.” The sharpness in his voice silenced her. She longed to plead with him not to make her wait. She didn’t care about money. She wanted their new life to begin now. But Nathaniel had already made it clear that he would make all their decisions. Arguing with him would only make him angry.

  “So we’ll have to wait until your enlistment is up?” she asked.

  “Yes, three years from now. Unless the war ends sooner.”

  She drew a deep breath. “I’ll feel so useless waiting here all alone while you’re away. Would it be all right with you if I went back to Washington and worked in the hospital in the meantime?”

  He shook his head. “I talked with your father about that when I asked for your hand. He and I agreed that you’ve done more than your share of work for the war effort. Neither of us wants you to return to nursing.”