Hidden Carmina

by Adri Sinclair

  When I reach the courtyard gate it takes a few seconds to muster up the courage to walk through it. I know the family is aware of my arrival – heck, even I can smell the scent of “Hidden Carmina” drifting ahead. I push the gate and barely is the creaky sound gone when Jarrod grabs me in a wordless embrace.

  “I’ve missed you, brother.” I don’t know when I started crying, but the tears are flowing freely.

  When Jarrod pulls away from me, I realize why he wasn’t speaking. His lip is trembling and his beautiful dark eyes are near swimming too. But big boys don’t cry, and he takes my hand, kissing it before walking me to the main house. I feel a flood of warmth and familiarity.

  Once inside, I meet Momma, Lilly, Uncle Edward and Aunty Joshlyn expectantly looking at me. I stop, looking at all their faces and then open my arms to my mother. When she hugs me tight, I whisper in her ear.

  “I never hated you, and I never can.”

  Lilly’s keen ears obviously heard what I said and she flits over to us.

  “I told you Momma… We missed you Carmina!”

  The two Elders in the room smile bright and I had to escape the hold of Momma and Lilly to greet them.

  “I am surprised to see you both here, are you well?” I ask.

  I know I can just take the information I want but I feel that is rude. I can’t ‘knock’ and ask their permission like with the Moretti and Azzara families.

  “We have been here… visiting to support your Mother, dear one,” Aunty Joshlyn answers.

  “I ... I’m sorry Momma, it took so long…”

  My mother smiles and shakes her head. “You are home sooner than I could ever have dreamt my child. How are you?”

  “Honestly? I’m starving!” That breaks the tension in the room and everyone bursts out laughing.

  “Breakfast should be soon. I should have known you came for the food!” Jarrod teases and Lilly hits his shoulder playfully.

  “Look at her, she’s so skinny! Are... Will you stay a while?” she asks, giving me a pleading look.

  “I will stay till after dinner, if, of course, that is alright? I … have not told the Morettis I’m here, but they will find me if they want to.” The group rallies around me and I’m being herded outside.

  When we get to the stairs, Momma takes my arm in the protective manner of old to make sure I don’t tumble headlong. I pat her hand and grin big at her, which makes her frown at me deeper. I know I’m busted for keeping a secret by the way Momma tilts her head and purses her lips. The table is set already with my plate in my place as always.

  “How did you know I was coming?” I ask and Momma chuckles.

  “I didn’t,” she answers.

  “Your Mother has kept your place and set it out with every meal. Every day, since you’ve left.” Aunty Joshlyn informs me in her gentle voice. The emotions well up in an instant and I hug Momma.

  “I’m so sorry, I have been terribly selfish...”

  “You’re here now. Let’s eat.”

  Jarrod and Lilly move themselves to either side of me. I shake my head at them but they wouldn’t hear of switching places to sit together.

  Uncle Edward keeps staring at me and subsequently, I cannot help ask, “Everything alright there, Uncle Edward?”

  He tilts his head before he speaks. “I am admiring how much you’ve changed Carmina. You look…. More.”

  Lilly giggles next to me and I elbow her. “What?! The last time I said that, you incited a full scale snow-ball war with that Moretti guy.” I turn to her in surprise, not having known Lilly used the same phrase before.

  “Oh. Well, I’ll take it as a compliment from Uncle Edward; there will be no war… I don’t think.” I am careful these days about what I say and how I say it. If there is one thing I have learned since my entanglement with the Moretti and Azzara families, it is that you never know.

  “Well, that may be debatable,” Jarrod pipes up bitterly. “I have a score or two to settle with you.”

  “You do?” I shake my hair back and push my chin out, ready for a fight. “Official or just Jarrod being a pain in the keester?” I take this opportunity to steal his bacon off his plate like I used to do when we were younger.

  Jarrod narrows his eyes and I mock him by making mine bigger. It is Momma who, just like always, puts the table back at order.

  “That’s enough you two.”

  Breakfast proceeds with light banter and gentle teasing. I stay alert for any sign of Liam or the others, but nothing comes. I know there’s an argument brewing between Jarrod and I.

  “So, what’s the deal with your wolf boy?” Jarrod asks when we start clearing the tables. I have fallen into my place as if I’ve never left, picking up my chores on the go.

  “I don’t have a wolf boy. He’s probably occupied with that hellcat.” I grumble. Jarrod pulls a typical guy face at the tone and I change the topic.

  “When last have you seen John?”

  “You’re on a fishing expedition, sister. John was here this morning just before you arrived. He’s been around almost every day.”

  I figured as much. John has a lot of energy and I don’t see him sitting around at the house doing nothing or reading.

  “And if you’re wondering: he was tight lipped about you. Wouldn’t say anything other than you’re well. I started getting suspicious.” The words make me gigglesnort as it is easy to imagine Jarrod suspicious.

  “Well I am here now.”

  “We missed you Carmina. Lilly missed you.”

  The guilt starts chewing at me the minute the words are absorbed.

  “I know.”

  “That the best you can do?” The force in his voice rattles my peace but I don’t react at first. “That beast boy carries you off and we don’t hear a word for near… what? Two months and all you can say is ‘I know’!” he growls at me.

  I stop what I’m doing and look at him.

  “Fine form, Jarrod,” I hiss back at him. “I find out my Mother and whole family are vampires. Not only that, my mere existence is a burden on them and you want to lecture me? Fine. Form. Brother.”

  Jarrod freezes in place and I turn around to see Lilly standing there with her hands folded over her chest.

  “I told you not to upset her, Jarrod! Carmina … We understand, we do!”

  Jarrod was clearly not ready to let it go. He grabs me in one hand and Lilly in the other, marching us both to Momma’s house. When we get there, Momma looks up and sighs. Aunty Joshlyn and Uncle Edward get up to leave, but I am not ready to let this go quietly, either.

  “No. Please stay. It seems there are things we need to discuss and clear up right now.”

  I jerk myself loose from Jarrod’s grip and tie my hair back. Lilly and Momma follow suit and the visiting Elders sit down.

  “I stand accused, do I Jarrod? Let me hear it. All of it, because when this is done, it is done.” I speak to him calm and quietly.

  “You don’t understand anything, Carmina. We’re not like the Morettis.”

  “I know.”

  Jarrod stares at me blankly. “You... know?”

  “Well heck, Jarrod, what do you think I’ve been doing the past two months?”

  “I don’t know Carmina. And that is why I’m angry. None of us know what you’ve been doing the past two months. But there is a lot that you don’t know about-” Jarrod changes his mind, “What have you been doing the past two months, little sister?”

  I narrow my eyes at him, then step up to his face.

  “I’ve learned what me being human means to you - all of you. I cannot say it pleased me much.” I growl at him.

  “Carmina…” Mother’s voice is soft.

  “No, Momma. He started this and I am finishing it. It is true; I don’t know what has been going on here. It is true that I have been torn apart by fear, guilt and feelings of inadequacy. So forgive me, big brother, if that didn’t fit with your idea of how things were meant to go - but I am human after all.”

  �
�You hurt us, Carmina! You left us without giving us a way to explain.”

  I turn away from him, looking at all the faces in the room one at a time.

  “Explain, Jarrod? Explain how you took beating after beating for me to keep me safe? Explain how Momma always had to think of ways to hide me, protect me and defend me? Explain to me how the whole clan - even the children- especially the children - had to learn to endure my presence despite the discomfort I bring to them? Explain why my sister had to plan her wedding in winter to include me, rather than for her own fanciful mind? Explain to me how I will be the one getting old, and then die … making all that effort you spend keeping me alive for nothing! Did I miss anything Jarrod?” I sneer at him. The anger and hurt boils into my brain and seeps into the rest of my body.

  Jarrod’s face pulls in pain and I step closer to him, looking up at my big brother. It is hard to see Jarrod serious and angry with me but my fury matches his. Without warning, Jarrod clasp me to him. I have never seen my brother weep before but he is not hiding it from me this time.

  “No Carmina…. You didn’t give us a chance to explain why we did of all that for and with you. We love you so much. You saved me when I was only little. You gave me a purpose and you didn’t give me a chance to thank you or explain when the secrets were no longer needed. You are a regular pain, but Carmina, you hold us together even when you stumble at every corner. Even… when you left… you gave us something to hold on to. Every member who came after Mother found you, stayed because of you! Think about it, Carmina. Every one of us.”

  “Truth, my child,” Momma says and I clench my teeth.

  “Why?”

  Jarrod lets me go and opens his palm up to Momma.

  “Because you give us the strength to fight the beast within the nature and embrace the human we share the same cage with.”

  I take a deep breath. The information is like a knife plunged into my body. I had not considered this at all. So consumed with what I thought I knew, I forgot that my family are half human. The half that they dedicated to me is human.

  “Oh. I’m sorry. I am.”

  “You know now,” Lilly is still scowling at her husband but the love she has for him is clearly reflected in her eyes and the way she strokes over his hair.

  “I do, and I want to know everything. My family is here. I belong here.”

  The conversation takes on many forms and the burning question came out as direct as ever.

  “Why are you really here?” I ask Uncle Edward. “Please tell me what is going on?”

  The Elder looks at his hands and then takes Aunty Joshlyn’s.

  “We came to see our Daughter. As confessions go.”

  My mouth opens by itself and then snaps closed. With everything topsy-turvy, I have no inkling as to whom the daughter is and for a moment I thought it was Momma.

  “When Teresa Gello’Des confronted you, Carmina, I had to make sure that Lilly was not going to do something irresponsible. The Gello’Des creatures… are responsible for the kinfolk’s separation and I thought it time to reunite them. There are no more secrets among us.” Momma fills me in. I stare at Lilly and the Elders in stunned silence.

  Lilly chortles and declares in her usual jovial manner, “I have two mothers and a father. Beat that!”

  It didn’t take long for the whole complicated story to unfold. I am told about how Lilly’s birth was the first in Joshlyn’s clan after her own birth, but Lilly had a twin sister. The Gello’Des was active in the area at the time and was to be included in the division of land. They became vicious and started working on destroying newborns of the half breed families. They felt that children who are not created like they were do not deserve to live. Joshlyn’s clan was new, weak and had no defenses. Edward’s clan was too far away to lend any decent protection, which left one other option.

  The Ancients stepped in to help and destroyed a great deal of the Gello’Des family, but the threat was always there. So, to keep Lilly safe and make sure she was not targeted, her death was staged and she was sent to Momma. Momma had just taken on her land and drew no attention from the Gello’Des family even with me on the grounds. Lilly did not remember her parents, but she recalls the death of her infant sister vividly. Their bond was so strong that it might as well have been her own death she lived through. With Teresa showing up as she did, it is a clear indication the Gello’Des family is recovering and boldly challenging the Ancients. In order for Lilly to take any form of action against the Gello’Des, she has to be blood related to the Valley clans and, of course, she is. If she went up against them on her own and killed any one of them, this information would become relevant too late and the Ancients would be forced to take action against her and possibly Momma too.

  Aunty Joshlyn and Uncle Edward have been spending time with Lilly. It serves as a way of making up for lost time, but also a method of record keeping. There had to be independent witnesses to this event and Momma’s clan members were chosen to provide that. They knew nothing of this particular history, it is not blood and, therefore, their innocence when the knowledge was revealed and impartial sentiments in testimony will be accepted. Of course this excludes the families born into Momma’s clan over time, but there were enough witnesses.

  I listen to all this and more in shocked silence. Everyone was so patient answering all the questions I had and Jarrod seemed to ease up over time too. By the time lunch came around, the mood was cheerful and jubilant and back to the familiarity I have missed so much. After lunch I spend time with my whole family, apologizing and reconnecting with each of them. It felt good that the world, my world, seemed to be turning right side up again. I spend time making a set of jewelry as I would if I lived with the clan.

  The jewelry was designed for Lilly and Jarrod; jewelry for a boy and a girl. For the girl, I created a Lilly flower made of glass to go on a charcoal black bracelet. For the boy, I created an arrowhead carved in wood and tied with leather string to wear around his neck. I place the individual sets with the original designs in pink and blue wrapped wooden boxes and wrote on the outside: ‘Love, Aunty Carmina.’ Jarrod and Lilly received strict instructions that they cannot open it until their baby (or babies) is born.

  The day flew past and dinner came a lot sooner than I wanted it to. Momma knows me well enough and didn’t make too big a fuss over me being around. Lilly, on the other hand, would have killed the whole rabbit species to feed me! Once I assured her that I will be here a lot more often, she settles for a singular special dish. It pushed the idea of needing to learn to hunt stronger into my mind. After dinner I wave Jarrod to follow me, leading him off to our treehouse. The thing cracked and moaned under our weight, which solicited a whole ream of fat jokes from my brother.

  “I … I need your help Jarrod…” I feel so awkward asking him, but I figure it would be great to see how my brother and our clan do things when they’re not hiding from me what they are. Jarrod pulls sticky sweets from his pocket and throws it at me. He fills his mouth and waves his hand for me to do the same. We spend about ten minutes pulling faces and laughing like children at each other polishing off the treat.

  “What do you want?” He asks at last.

  “I … Uhm… you know I like livers… but I prefer when they are warm and fresh…” Jarrod pulls a face as if he’s just been told his workload is increased without pay.

  “Yeah... and?”

  “I want to learn to hunt. Like you do.” The words tumble from my mouth so fast that I wasn’t sure if I said them or not. Jarrod as good as falls out of the tree laughing so hard.

  “Carmina, you will kill yourself! Let us deal with that, it is the least…”

  “No, Jarrod. I want to learn. I can do it, you’ll see.”

  Jarrod whistles softly and then shake his head.

  “Ok, I’ll teach you. But the first scrape you pick up on the way, we come home. I don’t want that wolf of yours on my back.”

  I was about to thank him and tell him I don’t have a w
olf when he interrupts, “You have to answer one question for me though…”

  “Anything.” I don’t even think about it and, too late, see the mischief dancing around his eyes.

  “How fat are you, exactly? The floor is cracking!”

  I pounce at him and we end up wrestling. From down below, Lilly and Momma shout the mandate that the match should end in a draw.

  “Jarrod! The tree is shaking and creaking! Stop that!” and “Oh my word that three is not going to make it! Get down, both of you!”

  I feel like a child again, and obey the order from Momma after I was sure Jarrod was ahead of me getting down. Showing off, he jumps from the tree, leaving a hefty dent in the snow bed. I climb down reluctantly, allowing Jarrod to pick me up from the third step off the ground.

  “She started it!” he pouts at Momma and, from various positions, the laughter in the courtyard rises up.

  I look up at the sky and grimace when I realize how late it is.

  “I have to get going.” I mutter. Under a lot of protest and invites back, I head to the gate.

  I wave at the family and promise to be back soonest. I decide to pace myself at normal speed at least to the glade, and from there I’ll hurry it up. I’m surprised that I’ve not heard from the Moretti family, but I also know that they won’t intrude unless it is urgent or unless I need them. I listen to the ice crunching under my feet and my eyes are constantly surveying my environment. I enjoy the cold but soon realize I’m thirsty and forgot my water bottle back home. I smile at the word ‘home’ and do a little twirl by myself.

  A short distance later, I spot the figure standing dead still in the clearing. I narrow my eyes and concentrate, listening and focusing on it, still a fair distance off. I change my course to be downwind; not that I think it would help any with my very special aroma. I keep my pace steady and, when I identify the figure, my heart skips a beat. Standing still for a while and watching him, I feel my heart breaking. Even from here, I can see his clenched jaw, his hands twitching open and closed. I change direction and stay downwind going home. There will be no point in confronting what I already know.