Hidden Carmina

by Adri Sinclair

  “Nice to see the view from this side, but I prefer the other one.” He states dryly. Why on earth am I so jittery and feeling so awkward? What did he mean by ‘the other one’?

  “Yes, tell me why, Carmina.”

  “Why are you here Liam?” I ask him directly. I cannot deal with the game anymore and I am drunk on the mixture of hurt and happiness.

  Liam looks out the window before he answers, “The Elder of the clan – your mother - and the … Alpha Female of my house – my mother - insisted that you get a good night’s rest. Their vote was seconded and thus passed by the Elder’s second daughter – your sister Lilly.”

  “Oh.” I don’t know what I expected but the formality in his voice is disappointing. “Uhm, but you’re early. I’m not tired yet.” That’s what I say? I can kick myself for being so stupid. I don’t deserve this man even if… even if …

  “Hmmm,” is the absent response I get.

  I don’t know what to do with myself. I stand staring at the big man on my windowsill and can’t figure out what I’m to do next.

  “Come sit here with me, Carmina.” He is using that very kind voice again. I want to be … anything but weakened by it, but I can’t help myself and my legs walk over to him without my permission. My brain has gone numb and I can’t find anything to say to him.

  “Your place is very suiting of you,” he compliments me. The small talk is another wrecking ball rolling through my mind.

  “Thank you.”

  Liam does not push any conversation; he does not impose on me at all. The marginal indication that he is conscious is the gentle stroking of his thumb over my wrist. It takes some time for me to relax and when I do, it is as if the world’s tiredness descends on me. I sigh and hand myself over to the blissful calm I have yearned for.

  ***

  Sandman

  Liam did not have time to object to the three women who accosted him at the gate. It was too late when he realized his mother had set a trap for him.

  Esmeriska called her son with the excuse that they needed him to bring a gift box (which turned out to be empty) because she forgot Mina’s birthday present. By the time he figured out he was the gift, there was no backing out anymore.

  If you’ve never ran into three pairs of female begging eyes, including that of your mother’s, pray you never do. Liam could not even warn his poor brother and Jarrod who haphazardly strolled into the house.

  When he saw Carmina opening the door, he had to pull his own desires into check not to push past the twosome weathering the Carmina storm. He had never felt so terrified in all his life. Her heartbeat told him all he needed to know. Holding her like this in his arms is perhaps the most selfish gift anyone has ever given Carmina.

  Liam picks her up and carries her with him while he makes himself more comfortable on the glove-seat. He’s been in her bedroom countless times before, but he will not take her there like this without permission. When Carmina re-arranges herself with a soft moan, her fists clutching onto his shirt, he let her know he’s there. He inhales her scent eagerly, letting it stir familiar emotions. His eyes rest on the picture he left for her in the book. How powerful is this little creature in his arms to so entirely stretch out a man approximately twice her size so efficiently. He pulls a piece of paper from his pocket and, while watching Carmina thoroughly enjoying her painting room, he reads it to her. He’s held onto this for the right moment and right now is the last moment he may have with her for a long time.

  “I carry an animal inside my chest where my heart should be.

  And you choose to give me a soul.

  I crave the depraved taste of your life force to soothe my thirst,

  And you choose to give me salvation.

  I treat my love for you like nothing more than a lost fairytale

  And you choose to give me forever after.

  How can you see yourself as the monster in my life

  When all I see is a flower blooming in front of me?

  How can you forgive me my needy greed,

  When I scarred you first?

  How do I ask for a second chance to show you myself,

  When a horror is all I entail?

  You hold the lock while I hold the key,

  Carmina Rose Nightshade,

  I beg you, please,

  Don’t… Just don’t turn away from me.”

  Liam clasps Carmina closer to him, drinking in the warmth he feels while tapping his foot along with her heartbeat and answering her every time she says his name by assuring her: “I’m here… I’m here.”

  ***

  I wake up when Liam evenly lays me back onto the big glove shaped couch. I know the night before was real because I don’t feel the aftermath of nightmares. When my eyes open, he is already gone. Opening my hand, I find a scrolled piece of paper; I read the words I already know. I hold it to my heart for a minute then place it in my most favorite spot by the window. I lean in and inhale, opening my mouth to not only smell but also taste his scent in full force.

  Time! Furiously I rush to get ready for the day, making sure not to have food in my hair before I bounce out the front door. Not having to hide my movement anymore means hardly any ‘Carmina Spills’ over the courtyard which, in turn, means I can help getting the last things done.

  I watch the wicked trio of interfering women approach and fly around them three times, with each passing landing a kiss on one cheek after the other.

  “Thank you! Thank you and thank you!” I am not sure who is more surprised by my behavior but I am happy for the first time in what feels like forever. Jarrod and John approach me with whistles and cat howls, encouraging my good mood.

  “Well, in the mood you’re in, we might as well make use of it before you turn into the red-head beasty girl again,” Lilly twitters at me. She proceeds to dangle a key on a string and I snatch it out of her hands.

  “What does it open?” I ask and the group turns along with me as Uncle Will drives up the road to the gate in a brand new light purple Volkswagen Beetle.

  “That.” Jarrod states the obvious.

  “Oh! Thank you!” I say, clapping my hands together. The clan members are enjoying the moment as much as I am and Uncle Will throws the set of keys he had at me.

  “You have to wait a day for the plates but it’s yours,” The impish look on his face catches up.

  “The day is yours, my child,” Momma announces and, with that, the music starts up; a Celtic selection to ease into the morning. I know the music will be playing all day and I put my face up to the cloudy sky.

  I spend the rest of the day moving around with the clan and my family enjoying the carnival atmosphere and picking at the food on every table. It is the one day where every woman who has the inclination shows off her kitchen prowess by making dishes they most enjoy or wish to introduce. I am loving every moment, even the games which I still only watch from the sidelines no matter the amount of begging and pleading.

  John, Jarrod and Uncle Will initiate a King of the Castle type game of tag. The thought of Jarrod behaving very much like one of the wolf pack briefly crosses my mind before I get distracted again. Momma and Lady E sit under Momma’s favorite evergreen like the two queens they are and Lilly is running herself ragged with the kids. From where I am sitting on the courtyard wall, I have an exceptional view of everything going on. I welcome Liam with a brimming smile when he makes himself at home next to me. He does not speak at all and I appreciate his tranquility rubbing up against me. When it is time to cut the cake, Liam takes my hand and helps me jump off the wall. I thought he would be walking with me, but looking over my shoulder, he puts two fingers to his forehead in a salute and vanishes over the wall.

  When night falls, the courtyard lights up like a fairytale with hundreds of tiny lights draped everywhere. I imagine fireflies visiting only on this day, weaving themselves into the trees. Couples pair off to dance and those who are unattached pair up with family, children or friends. I tilt my head when John ask
s Momma for a dance - ever the gentleman. I am absorbed in the moment and drift off into my own mind of dancing and twirling, thinking about fairies and romance and banishing suffering. Before the last dance plays out, I slip away to my cottage. I do this every year. Silly as I am, I tell myself that if I leave before the music ends, then it will continue to play and the love and romance flowing through the whole enclosure will forever be dancing there.

  It takes a long time for me to fall asleep; I don’t want the nightmares to steal my happiness. When I do fall asleep, I dream of wolves and soldiers killing one another, I dream of my clan sacrificing their children to protect me, I dream of the golden eyes following me then telling me that I am not welcome, not worth living. I dream the valley is covered in blood and everyone is bathing in it. I dream of being ripped apart by the wolves and the pain is agonizing. I wake up hearing myself scream about not wanting to suffer life.

  History Told

  Waking up, I am tired and decide to soak. Only once I feel fresh and relaxed do I find my way to the bay-seat. I sit in the window with my towel still wrapped around me and a steaming cup of warm tea. I watch the clouds rolling in and know it will be raining buckets soon. Over the top of the volcano, lighting is darting like neon pathways. I listen and can pick up the rolling crackle of static before it discharges. The thunder sounds like a grumpy man trying to get the attention of the Fire Goddess who’s still sleeping soundly in her volcano. The thought tickles me.

  I need to get out for a while. Liam’s poem is haunting me and the words are turning over in my head. I stroll over to Momma’s house and find her in the kitchen sitting alone by the table. She looks up at me and wordlessly hands me a cup of tea. I appreciate that about my mother. Unlike Lilly, momma has a calm about her that allows you to organize your thoughts. After a few sips I look at her and smile.

  “What is your story Momma?” I ask her.

  She lifts an eyebrow. “More specific, my girl.”

  “Well, you were born, I know that much. Uncle Will is your father and Uncle Darious is your brother. The other Elders are not family, but the clan houses are tied in the Ancient houses. But … how old are you Momma?”

  My mother pushes her hair away from her face and purses her lips.

  “Well now, that is a question. I was born 148 years ago, but stopped aging at 36 years of age.”

  “And you found me 23 years ago.”

  Momma puts her hand over mine. “I told you that story, my child.”

  Shifting uncomfortably I avoid Momma’s eyes. “I didn’t read that. I destroyed that part of your letter, Momma.”

  Momma’s chuckle catches me off guard.

  “I thought you might not have read it. You’ve not said a word about it until now.”

  I take a deep breath and weigh up my options. Momma waits patiently for me to make up my mind. When I nod, she sits back in her chair.

  “Twenty years ago, I worked in a hospital in London. I wasn’t ready to be an Elder. I yearned to be around people and children. I spent a lot of time in the children’s wards and was often tempted to take a child for myself. Nobody would even notice as the section I worked in was taking care of abused and abandoned babies and children. It was hard, to say the least, but it had to do. This Valley belonged to my brother Darious. He’s always been a little ambitious and took up Elder position as soon as he came to his immortal age.”

  Momma’s mouth pulls into a bitter line.

  “He never approved of me working, least of all as a child minder. He knew I was barren and counted on me never taking up clan space anyway. But he wanted me to be by his side. I met a young girl, around 15 years old. The night I met her it was terribly cold and she was finding shelter between my car and the garage wall. This was illegal, of course, but it was a bitterly cold night. She was just a child herself, with child. I took her home with me and decided to help her look after the unborn baby she was carrying. I learned Carmen was an illegal immigrant from Spain. That’s what we thought. She was beautiful, Carmina, and I loved her like she was my own little sister. She was wise beyond her age and, in those months, she became my confidant. The baby was growing healthy although fast and Carmen kept telling me that there was something wrong with the baby, with you. She changed her diet and supplemented a lot with protein and iron.

  “I asked Carmen about the father of the child and she told me she doesn’t know him and doesn’t remember. My heart broke for her because she was so sad and angry with herself. She also didn’t recall how she came to London or any part of her family in Spain. She guessed she was from Spain because of her language and her name was on the backpack and schoolbooks she clung to. Her English was crass and learned on the streets of London; hardly appropriate. I tried finding answers in newspapers and police and missing persons. Nothing.

  “Around the 6th month, you were near impossibly already. Carmen left me a note that she had to go for a checkup and would be home later in the day. I was worried because, that morning before I left for work, she told me she was in terrible pain and thought you had your foot stuck in a rib. When I came home from work, she wasn’t home yet. It became late and I started worrying.”

  Momma closes her eyes against the memory and I feel her agony and regret.

  “I should have gone with her. When I tracked her movements, I realized she kept to the back streets, avoiding police and being noticed. Two blocks from the Clinic there were police cars and an ambulance. They had found a girl who had bled to death. The blood trails lead from an empty warehouse to where she was found. The report stated later that it was a back-street abortion gone wrong and they called for witnesses or family.

  “They were wrong. I saw her wounds and that girl was viciously attacked. Carmen wanted you more than life itself. She even knew you were a girl! Already named you Carmina. I waited for the mess of people to clear up and followed the blood scent further into the city.

  “Eventually I found a dumpster being wrecked by foxes who were desperate to get inside it. When I opened the lid, you were barely breathing, near frozen and bruised in the strangest ways. I think Carmen tried to hide you from someone and lead them away to where she was found. It took all of over a century’s training to bring you back to me… but here you are. I decided there and then that I will claim my clan’s ground and make sure that nobody who needs a home is ever turned away. I missed Carmen but she gave her life for you and I wasn’t going to let that life be a complete waste.

  “I claimed Carmen’s body using my old social worker credentials and told the police she was a runaway orphan. I brought her body and you here. Your mother lives on in that evergreen tree.”

  Momma wipes a tear from her cheek.

  “Darious was furious and contested my claim but our father Will, and Esmeriska, were not having his tantrums and as you can see, our misfit clan has grown. I adopted the name ‘Nightshade’ with permission from the Ancients in order to protect my family. Jarrod came a year after you were born, four years of age and a half-breed. Lilly was brought to me a month or two after.”

  I remember Jarrod joining us. He was wild and unruly and I wasn’t allowed around him alone. Jarrod was a biter. It occurs to me now what that means and I chuckle! He loved Lilly from day one, though. He took his ‘big brother role’ very seriously with her. As we got older, it was very hard getting out from under Jarrod’s protective bubble. I am utterly surprised he has any friends left at all.

  Momma was about to get up but I beat her to it. I make us tea while filing away the information she just gave me. Placing the cup in front of her, I kiss her crown before I sit down.

  “Why have you not partnered, Momma?” I see my mother shuffling in the chair.

  “I am not the marrying type, Carmina. One day, when I meet someone and there is a bond, I certainly will have to swallow those words. I’ve had my fair share of romance and love, but I am bored easily so I stick with what makes me happy.”

  She waves her hand and chuckles.

  “The ver
y thing I am glad you and Lilly have not done!”

  I gawk at my mother and shake my head. “And all those lectures! Oh my word, Momma!”

  My mother giggles like a schoolgirl. She regards me with a sidelong look before speaking again. “Now, my turn to ask you a question, my dear child.”

  I know that look and the way her lips are pulled. I know I’m not going to want to talk about whatever it is she is about to ask, but I also know I have no choice.

  “Do you love Liam?”

  I sigh and the sparkle returns to Momma’s eyes.

  “I think I do, Momma.”

  “Then why did you leave to come back home without him?”

  “I told you, Momma, because I am the beast that torture his nature.”

  “How much more torture do you think he endures when you’re away from him?”

  “Possibly a lot less? It doesn’t matter Momma, Liam is with Jackie now.”