A Heart Not Easily Broken (The Butterfly Memoirs)

by M. J. Kane

  I climbed in my car and slammed the door shut. Where in the hell was my school ID? Paying full price for the book was not my idea of money management. As it was, I barely had enough money to get the book at the discounted price. I emptied my purse on the passenger seat and continued to search, as if it would make a difference. A scan of the seats, floor, and other surfaces yielded no results. The only other option would be paying for another card and waiting until my next paycheck to buy the book. By then it would be too late to turn in my assignment.

  If I had accepted Brian’s help in the beginning, I would not be in this situation. I’d stupidly told him no, because I didn’t want to be a nuisance. And now I was paying for it.

  I resigned myself to ask my roommates to borrow money. I could afford to pay for another ID with the money I had now, but it wouldn’t do any good. Student services closed thirty minutes ago. By the time they were open again, I’d be at work. Wasn’t that just great?

  I lay my head back against the headrest and massaged my temples.

  Today sucked.

  I tried my best to stop stressing about the outcome of my grade for this paper and wished I could talk to Brian. Hearing his soothing voice would not make my ID card appear, but it would calm my nerves enough to mull over the matter with a clear head.

  He had been gone for less than thirty-six hours, and I missed him like crazy. We spoke last night before I went to bed. Our goal was to talk to each other every day, at least before he went on stage. His new schedule revolved around practice, show time, and travel. And after parties.

  Women threw panties at him when he performed at the club. I remembered watching him and listening to women behind me talk about what they could physically do for him. As vain as it sounded, I enjoyed watching their mouths gape open when Brian came off stage, pulled me into his arms, and kissed me.

  I trusted Brian, but the right set of circumstances could lead to a slip up. Like a drunken after party.

  I sighed and promised myself not to dwell on it any more. All I could do is trust him. Focusing on the ‘what if’s’ would only bring it to fruition.

  I reached for my phone as it vibrated. It showed a missed call and voice message. I forgot to take it off vibrate when class ended. I turned up the ringer and checked the message. Brian had called. My heart leapt in my chest at the sound of his voice. Praying he’d still be available, I hit redial.

  “Hey, baby.” His unbelievably smooth voice coated my irritation.

  I closed my eyes and zeroed in on his timbre. “Brian, are you busy?”

  “Kind of. We’re waiting for the stage to be changed around so we can do warm ups and sound checks before full show rehearsal. I’ve got a few minutes. How was class?”

  I laughed ruefully. “Class was fine. Homework is another story. I’m screwed because I don’t have a very important book.”

  “I thought you got everything weeks ago.”

  “Well, I did except for one book that cost so much it was out of my budget. I put it off until I had the money. Now my student ID is missing. I need it in order to get the discount.”

  “Wait, you needed money and didn’t tell me?” An exasperated sigh came through the line. “Ebony, I told you I would help you with anything you need. You know I would have bought it for you.”

  “I know, it’s just…you’ve got your own bills to worry about. Besides, I’ve been handling this sort of problem for years on my own.”

  “But you’re not on your own anymore, you’ve got me. I want to see you succeed. But it won’t happen if you don’t have everything you need. Don’t mess with your education because you’re too proud to ask.”

  “Brian”

  “Let me take care of you, baby. With the way they’re paying me, I can help you with anything you need.”

  “But”

  “There are no ‘buts’. Look, I can’t be there with you right now, at least let me do this, okay? Text me your account number, and I’ll deposit the money into your bank in the morning.”

  I sighed. “Thanks, Brian. I’ll pay you back.”

  “There’s nothing to pay back. Now, your ID, when did you see it last?” I could hear the cackles of men around him.

  “It’s usually in my purse. I’ve checked everywhere.” I thought back to the last few days’ activities and groaned in realization. “Your house, in your bedroom. Remember when you were looking for a condom?”

  Brian chuckled. “Oh, yeah. I dumped your bag on the floor.”

  “We overslept and were running late to get to the bus. I grabbed everything I saw and didn’t bother to make sure I picked up everything.” I couldn’t help but laugh. “Wow.”

  The background noises in the phone lowered as I heard Brian excuse himself. His voice was low, husky when he spoke again. “I can’t stop thinking about that night.”

  My body tingled in all the right places. “Me neither.” I’d woken up in need of a cold shower just this morning from dreaming about it.

  “Have you ever had phone sex?”

  “Are you serious?” I giggled.

  “Very. Some of the guys say they’ve done it with their girlfriends. Or we could try web cams, text videos…”

  Brian continued to share creative ways for us to be together. Some of them sounded like fun, but I drew the line at naked text messages. All too soon the conversation ended.

  “Baby, I’ve got to go. I’ll tell Javan to let you in. You should be able to get it tonight.”

  “Thank you.” I paused, studying the bracelet on my arm. The guitar glinted in the sun. “I love you.”

  “I love you, too. I’ll text you later.”

  We disconnected. Hearing him say he loved me would hold me over until the next time we talked.

  Brian was right. I could have avoided a lot of my anxiety over the last few weeks. Accepting his help would have given me time to focus on finding another job and not stress about all the other details. I would chalk this up as a lesson learned.

  Armed with a plan and the possible location of my ID card, I felt better, knowing I would rectify the situation by nightfall.

  ***

  Several hours went by before Brian’s text came through; Javan was home. I checked the time and saw it was nearly eight p.m. A quick check of the house had shown neither of my roommates was home yet. I called both of their cell phones and got no response. That wasn’t unusual; they both worked late.

  The idea of going to Brian’s house unescorted made me uneasy.

  I contemplated my options: wait until one of them showed up, or wait until tomorrow and meet Yasmine over there once she got off work. Another option would be to ask Yasmine to go look for it. Neither scenario worked, because it would be after the bookstore’s hours of operation. I needed the book tomorrow. Besides, the more I thought about it, I wanted to do it myself. I wanted to get his baseball jersey. It smelled like him and sleeping in it would be like having him near.

  A quick in and out, ten minutes tops. With any luck, my ID would be peeking out from under Brian’s bed.

  The entire house was dark when I arrived. The porch light didn’t come on until I rang the bell for the third time.

  The door opened, and I immediately felt on edge.

  Javan didn’t speak. His dark eyes made no effort to hide his thoughts. The man projected sexual heat. It was clear to see why Yasmine liked him.

  He and Brian were the same height, but that’s where the similarities ended. Once upon a time, before meeting Brian, a man like Javan would have gotten my attention.

  Javan’s milk chocolate skin stretched over a body that boasted of hours spent in a gymnasium. His shoulder length dreads rested against the nape of his neck, held by a thick band. From the looks of it, the man spent more time at a hairdresser than I did. Whatever he did, Yasmine sure liked it.

  Ignoring my discomfort, I focused on the white set of silk pajamas. The button up top hung open, exposing his defined muscular chest.

  I imagined Brian wearing them in
a shade of blue that matched his eyes. Then again, he didn’t wear anything to bed except for the skin he was born in, especially when I spent the night.

  “Hi.” I forced my voice to sound normal and made myself meet his probing gaze. “Sorry it’s late. You look like you were expecting someone else.”

  Yasmine and Javan were in an open relationship. The chances of her showing up tonight were fifty-fifty. Regardless, I didn’t care to be here when one of his play dates arrived.

  Javan’s eyes shifted to my car. “I wasn’t expecting anyone except you.” His eyes traveled over me again.

  I felt self-conscious. My shorts weren’t too tight, and my tee hung loose over my hips. What was he looking at?

  “Oh, um…” I ignored the implication of his words. “I won’t take long then.” I waited for him to step aside.

  He moved slightly; there would be no way to avoid walking past without brushing against him.

  I held my breath. His cologne reeked of dark spices and irritated my nose. Fortunately, my man had better taste.

  In Brian’s room, I went straight for the side of the bed where the contents of my purse had rested. My ID wasn’t visible from where I stood, which meant it would probably be under the bed. Getting on my hands and knees shouldn’t have made me uncomfortable, but Javan’s hulking frame hovered in the doorway and made it impossible to lose the nervous feeling.

  I contemplated the best way to get on the floor without putting my butt or back in the path of his roving eyes. Unfortunately, the desk was in the way, leaving no other option.

  “You need help?”

  My heart kicked up a notch. Javan’s shadow moved over the light from the ceiling when he moved from the doorway to the side of the bed where I kneeled.

  I closed my eyes, pushed my hand under the bed, through the dust on the hardwood floor, and prayed my fingers would find what I searched for.

  Finally, success. I clung to the flimsy piece of plastic, as if my life depended on it. “No.” I moved to get up as quickly as possible. To my chagrin, Javan stood right behind me, his huge outstretched palm waiting to help me.

  The way he positioned himself made it impossible to get up without his help. I gripped his hand, pulled myself up quickly, and pulled away from him. I wiped my sweaty hands on my shorts. He now blocked my path.

  Every nerve in my body stood on edge. Was I overreacting? After all, he was Brian’s roommate and my best friend’s lover. I could not control what he did with his eyes. All things stated, I should be able to trust him.

  My internal alarm said otherwise.

  Javan continued to block my path, caging me between the bed, dresser, and wall. The plastic card nearly slipped from my fingers as my hands began to shake.

  “There’s something I’ve never been able to understand about you.” He crossed his arms and looked around Brian’s room.

  “What?” I forced my voice to stay steady.

  His dark eyes trailed over to the bed. “What do you see in him? You are a very desirable sister. Why are you fucking a white guy?”

  My eyes felt like they would bulge out of my head. Did I just hear him right? He was supposed to be Brian’s friend. Why question me about my racial preferences? The look in his eye quickly dispelled the remark that wanted to leave my mouth.

  “What’s the problem? Couldn’t find a brother to satisfy you?”

  “That’s none of your business, Javan. Excuse me.” I moved to get past him, but he stayed rooted to that spot. For a moment, I contemplated climbing over the bed and scampering out into the hall. I had the feeling being in any position on the bed would be a bad idea.

  He watched me before he stepped aside, once again, forcing me to brush against him.

  “Maybe you weren’t with the right one. I know Yasmine talks about how I handle her.” His laughter was smug. “You know”

  “What goes on between the two of you is none of my business.” I focused on walking calmly down the hallway instead of breaking into a mad run.

  I had escaped the bedroom and almost made it to the front door, but somehow, Javan managed to slip from behind me and block my exit to freedom.

  He smirked. “True, true. Or it could be something going on between the three of us.” The expression on my face must have caused him to reconsider his ridiculous offer. “Okay, it can be just us then.” He took a step toward me.

  I bit back a gasp at the wild look that was now in his eyes.

  Everything about his body language said he was determined to get what he wanted.

  I knew then no matter what I said or did, this was only going to end one way. I looked around the room and tried to spy another path to the door. Maybe if I moved fast enough, I could reach the front door, then my car, and get away from here.

  But there was no place to go except the way I’d come. If I made it to Brian’s room, I could lock the door and call for help. But, oh, God, there wasn’t a phone in his room, and my cell was in my car.

  Why did I leave my phone in the car?

  Reasoning was my only option.

  “Javan,” I struggled to force my voice out of a dry mouth. “I’m not interested, okay? I don’t want to do anything to hurt Yasmine. She’s really into you, and I value our friendship. I’m sure you feel the same way about Brian.”

  Javan’s dark laughter sent ice-cold fear to my heart. “What goes on between us has nothing to do with either of them. Brian pretends to be all innocent.” He smirked. “Don’t believe the act. He used to do more than one girl at a time. That is until you came along.” He closed the distance between us in two long strides.

  I moved as far away from him as I could and backed into the living room until I bumped into the CD collection.

  “What is so special about you?” His voice lowered to a murmur, his large hand ran through the loose strands of my hair.

  My body quivered, and I gasped in fear, no longer able to keep it in. What was I doing here? Why was this happening to me?

  “You must be good in bed. I can hear the sounds you make. Bet I can make you yell more and come harder.” He leaned toward me and breathed deeply. “You smell good.”

  I whimpered, hating the fact I wore the perfume Brian loved, and pushed into the shelf behind me. The card I’d come to retrieve slipped from my fingers and hit the floor. Brian’s prized CD collection shifted as the weight of my body pushed against it, knocking it into the wall. Discs crashed down around my feet.

  Unable to look away from his eyes, I reached blindly behind me, searching the shelves for something of significant weight to protect myself. I only came away with a lightweight plastic CD cover.

  Javan sneered as his large fingers left my hair and traced down my collarbone to the front of my shirt. Tears sprang into my eyes. It seemed the more I tried to get away, the more eerie excitement grew in his eyes. I had to get away from him…I needed to find a way out, now.

  “Javan…”

  He grabbed my breast, his humongous body towered over me. There was nowhere for me to run with the shelf at my back.

  “Please stop…” My voice was barely audible to my own ears. I closed my eyes to the sadistic sneer on his face and yelled in pain as he gripped my nipple through my shirt. I smacked at his hands, but his grip only hardened.

  “Oh, come on, that’s not how you sound when you’re with him.”

  “Please…don’t do this,” I begged again. My voice was thick with terror. I had never felt so helpless in my life. No matter what I did, he was too big for me to stop.

  There was only one thing I could do; only one weapon of defense in my female arsenal.

  Javan leaned in to kiss me as I struggled.

  I aimed my knee for all he held dear, pushed him off, and ran. I was inches away from reaching the door. Once outside, I would scream bloody murder to draw attention from the neighbors, jump in my car, and get away.

  I peered over my shoulder; pain and anger mangled Javan’s face. He’d recovered from the damage I’d inflicted.
>
  My hand was on the knob when I slipped on the rug at the door and hit my head.

  Chapter 23

  No matter how hard I tried, it was impossible to get rid of the smell.

  Dark spices.

  Neither the fragrance of my cucumber and melon body wash nor the tropical scented soap could get rid of the stench.

  My skin flamed red, my inner thighs raw. I ached everywhere: my breasts…my back…the very heart of me.

  I squeezed my eyes shut to block out the memory.

  How could this have happened? What did I do wrong? How did I let him rape me? No amount of fighting back prevented what Javan had been determined to do.

  A wave of revulsion hit. Dry heaves forced me to double over in pain. There was no foreseeable end to this nightmare.

  I sunk down to the tub’s floor, crossed my arms tightly across my chest, and watched the soapy water swirl around the drain. My body shook, as heavy tears mixed with the lukewarm water, rained down my hair and face.

  Nothing short of bleach could get rid of Javan’s pungent scent.

  I should have waited for Yasmine or Kaitlyn.

  I should have paid for the damn book.

  The repercussions of my procrastination and stubbornness were coming back to bite me. If I’d accepted Brian’s offer in the beginning, then none of this would have happened.

  I would not have a failing grade in class.

  I wouldn’t be a victim of Javan’s deceit.

  In the end, it was my fault. I’d asked for this.

  I deserved every bad thing going on in my life.

  The water ran cold; making my already aching limbs hurt worse. How long had I been in the shower? Had my roommates gotten home yet?

  I dragged my bruised body out of the tub and over to the bathroom mirror. Faint traces of black and blue marks emerged under my light brown skin. Javan had been merciless in his assault, taking whatever he wanted. But he’d been sure not to leave marks where they’d be visible to the world. For that I should be thankful.

  I was thankful for still having my life.

  One hip ached worse than the other. I rubbed it gently with the towel before twisting around to get a look. Oh, God, no…my tattoo. Javan’s humongous hand marred my dedication to Brian and our relationship. The skin around the bright blue butterfly was swollen and red.