A Heart Not Easily Broken (The Butterfly Memoirs)

by M. J. Kane

  There was no evidence of embarrassment or regret in her voice or her eyes.

  My pace brought me to the CD shelf and blocked my path.

  Ebony claimed Javan trapped her between the sofa and the door.

  I tried to picture it in my mind. Javan and I were the same height. At six-two, Ebony’s head stopped at my shoulder, making her the perfect height to lean down and kiss. The difference in our height made me feel the need to protect her like a fragile vase in need of care so that it wasn’t broken.

  To Javan, she would be the perfect target for intimidation.

  What had she said?

  ‘He slammed me into the wall…CDs hit the floor…’

  My attention went directly to the shelf and the empty spaces of the missing discs. When I had gotten home the shelf had been out of order. Javan very rarely borrowed any of the discs. He preferred hi-tech equipment instead of old school CDs. He’d given me his entire collection after moving his music to MP3s.

  Ebony hadn’t borrowed any discs.

  On a hunch, I pulled the shelf away from the wall. Despite wishing I was wrong, the evidence didn’t lie.

  The four-inch wide dent in the wall had not been there when I left. When I looked down I spied the missing CDs half hidden beneath the corner of the shelf. A thick layer of dust collected on them.

  And there was Ebony’s ID, covered in the same layer of dust.

  My heart dropped to the floor the same time my knees hit. I wrapped my fingers tightly around the plastic. My grip snapped it in half.

  Ebony had been telling the truth.

  Javan did rape her.

  I am going to kill…that sick son-of-a-bitch.

  Chapter 36

  “Are you sure you’re okay?” Kaitlyn sat on the edge of my bed and handed me two aspirin and a cup of water.

  She’d been by my side since the moment I walked in the door with red eyes and tear-stained cheeks.

  “Is it about Brian?” Her country twang was more pronounced the angrier she got. “Did he hit you?”

  I swallowed the aspirin and chased it with the water. “Yes it’s about Brian, but it’s not what you think. He’d never lay a finger on me.” I drank more water. Despite the cool liquid my throat felt as dry as the Sahara desert.

  “I don’t believe you.” Her suspicious eyes traveled over my body.

  I glanced down at my disheveled clothing hastily thrown back on before leaving Brian’s house. “Believe me.” I sat wearily, kicked off my heels, and pushed up from the bed to change my clothes.

  The reflection in the mirror told it all. My appearance had changed drastically from the time I’d left earlier in the evening. Every hair had been in place, make-up lightly applied, and a look of pure love and happiness on my face.

  Now I looked like the emotional hell I’d been through.

  The look of hate on Brian’s face when he accused me of lying would forever haunt me.

  I would forever be ‘the other black woman’ who broke his heart.

  How had things gone so horribly wrong?

  From the beginning Brian was vigilant, despite my attempts to discourage his advances. He’d done what I didn’t expect. He’d boldly declared his intentions for a relationship before getting me in his bed. He’d been honest about not wanting a quick lay; he wanted me. And true to his word, he’d used every trick he could muster.

  He’d gotten inside my head before my pants.

  Despite what happened, I knew he still loved me, because God knew how much I loved him.

  He had to still love me…he just had to.

  It was hard to process what had happened. First, he acted like a complete moron and suggested I leave him to be with someone else. It would never happen, not even for a short period of time. Just because his cousin’s story had romantic elements mixed with a heroic gesture and led to a happy ending did not mean our relationship was in need of the same.

  Why couldn’t he understand it would never work for us? I would never see anyone else. We would be two miserable people trying out a stupid trial separation that wouldn’t lead to anything.

  I never got to address the matter.

  Brian believed I cheated on him, not just with anyone, but with his so-called friend. Nothing else that I said mattered. Not the rape, not the possibility of a lost pregnancy. All Brian saw was my supposed infidelity.

  Javan planted a diseased seed in Brian’s head that sprouted into a tree of deceit.

  I suspected Brian had been plagued with the fact he wasn’t black. Even though he hid it, I knew it messed with his ego. I knew, because there were times when we had been together in public and I wished I could be white. Not because I didn’t love my heritage, but because for once it would be nice to blend into the background and not feel like every whisper was about us.

  My love and commitment to Brian and our relationship helped me ignore the negative and focus on the positive things between us.

  Being with him was all I wanted.

  Javan’s lie was kindling onto an already smoldering fire.

  I should have told my parents about us months ago. If I had, maybe Brian wouldn’t have been so quick to believe what he’d been told. Now I knew why he’d questioned me about my family. He worried I’d leave him for someone my family would approve of.

  I knew that would never happen; he didn’t.

  It shouldn’t have taken hearing Tierra talk about her family’s negative opinions to convince me to shout my love for him from the rooftops. Telling my siblings was not enough. In the end, I should have known he’d be concerned about my parents’ opinions. Especially since he intended to marry me.

  Now it would never happen.

  But Yasmine was going to marry Javan.

  My head ached.

  Hearing about their impending union left me speechless.

  Caught up in my own personal drama made me blind to everything going on around me. Trying to pretend Javan’s attack never happened had not been wise. I should have opened up and told Yasmine. She should have known who she was dealing with before her heart came out of its enclosed shell. And now, because of me, it would be broken again.

  Just like I’d broken Brian’s. Though I hadn’t physically done anything to hurt him, my lack of faith in our relationship was just as bad.

  Despite my best intentions, what I thought of as my burden alone to bear affected everyone around me. Even Kaitlyn.

  I sighed heavily while slipping out of my dress and into jogging pants and an oversized t-shirt.

  “Did Yasmine say when she’d be back?”

  Kaitlyn continued to watch me. “I believe they’re stayin’ the night at the hotel. Guess she’ll be back in the mornin’.”

  It was nearly midnight. The only option would be to wait it out until morning.

  The shrill sound of the doorbell followed by pounding on the door made us both jump.

  “Who the hell is it at this time of night?” Kaitlyn walked to my bedroom window. “It’s Brian.”

  I gasped. What was he doing here? Had he come to accuse me of more lies?

  The knocking and ringing continued with no signs of letting up. “Ebony, we need to talk.” His voice drifted up to my bedroom window.

  I sat rooted to my bed unsure how to react.

  “I take it you want me to answer the door,” Kaitlyn said. “Do you want him to go away?”

  Unable to articulate, I couldn’t even shake my head.

  Kaitlyn didn’t wait around.

  Somehow I managed to get on my feet and walk over to my desk. I rested my hands on the back of my chair and strained to hear the raised voices from downstairs.

  “Brian, no! She doesn’t want to see you,” Kaitlyn yelled.

  Heavy footsteps resounded on the stairs then stopped abruptly when Brian reached the threshold of my door.

  “Ebony…” he said softly. “Baby, I’m so sorry…”

  I forced myself to look at him. His intense gaze focused on me, yet he made no move to come cl
oser.

  Pain, worse than what I experienced from Javan’s hand, racked my body. My grip on the chair tightened. I made no attempt to hide my tears. I didn’t know why he came and didn’t care. The fact the word ‘baby’ left his lips told me what I needed to know.

  He still loved me.

  “Ebony, I tried to make him leave…” Kaitlyn appeared in the doorway behind him. Brian’s body blocked my view, but her voice carried over his shoulder.

  “It’s okay,” I managed.

  Brian continued to watch me. Pain, sorrow, and apology were in his eyes.

  “I’m an asshole, Ebony. I never should have doubted you. I should have listened. Baby, I am so sorry.” The corners of his eyes glistened over bloodshot eyes. He hesitated before taking another step toward me.

  “Why would you believe me now?” Hearing him apologize wasn’t enough.

  “Because of this,” He held out broken pieces of my ID, the one I lost, the catalyst of my nightmare. “I found it behind the CD shelf after moving it and found the gash in the wall. Ebony…”

  My knees went weak from relief. Brian caught me in mid-fall and held me tight against his body. He carried me to the bed, sat down, and pulled me into his lap.

  For the first time in months, I truly cried. Tears of joy, tears of pain, and tears of sorrow. Every unwept tear held inside of me found its way out.

  I held onto Brian as tightly as he held on to me. Though he didn’t make a sound, his quivering body told of silent tears as much as the wetness on his cheeks.

  I pulled back, cupped his face in my hands, and waited for him to lift his sorrow-filled eyes to meet mine.

  “It’s my fault. I never should have left you.” His voice was rough with despair. His hands no longer held my waist. Instead, he’d balled them into fists as his lips pulled in a grim line.

  “No, Brian, it’s my fault. I should have listened to you. If I did, I never would have been there.”

  “Uh, excuse me. I don’t know what this tearful reunion is about. Can somebody tell me somethin’? Is this any of my business, or should I leave you alone so you can stop cryin’ and have hot make-up sex?”

  Kaitlyn’s comment obviously meant to lighten the mood didn’t work.

  Brian looked at her briefly. “She doesn’t know?”

  “Know what?” Kaitlyn watched both of us. Worry replaced curious humor.

  I shook my head.

  Brian’s eyes stayed on mine. “Javan raped her while I was away,” he said through clenched teeth.

  “What?” Kaitlyn leaned against the door. “Are you okay? Yasmine doesn’t know?”

  “No,” I said.

  “Oh. My. God.” She stared at both of us in disbelief.

  Brian focused on Kaitlyn. “Where are they?” His voice went hard.

  “Uh, at the hotel where she works…” she stuttered, her eyes flipping back and forth between us.

  Brian kissed me gently, then firmly pushed me off of his lap and stood. “Which room?”

  “The Honeymoon Suite, I think…” The moment it dawned on her why he asked, her green eyes nearly bulged out of her head.

  Brian stalked to the doorway where Kaitlyn stood.

  “Move, Kaitlyn.” He was deadly serious.

  “What are ya gonna do?” she asked, standing toe-to-toe, her green eyes never wavering.

  “I’m going to kill him.” His voice was devoid of all emotion as he moved her effortlessly out of the way.

  “Brian, baby, no…” I rushed the door and stopped in my tracks when he turned on the top step and faced me.

  “He raped you, Ebony. He forced himself on you and took what was mine. He forced you to kill our child.” His voice dropped low, full of rage. “He nearly caused me to lose you.”

  Our eyes connected. I could feel his anger and pain seep into my very skin.

  “We can call the police, we can find another way to handle this,” I pleaded. I hoped being rational would calm him down long enough to rethink his decision.

  “Call them. And pray they get there first.”

  He disappeared down the steps in a flash. The door to his truck slammed before his tires screamed as he peeled out of the driveway.

  Chapter 37

  “Mmm, that feels good, don’t stop.”

  Javan’s large hand moved slowly, massaging my back. Even though we’d made love twice, the feel of his hands on my body ignited me like the first time. “So what do you think about June?”

  His fingers froze. “For what?”

  I rolled over on my back. He looked delicious. His thick dreads hung loose and masked his face. My eyes tracked to parted lips that waited for action, his deep penetrating gaze heavy with desire. I bit my lip as my thigh brushed over his arousal.

  I glided my fingers over a handful of locks as he leaned down and kissed me deeply. I loved the way our lips locked together. They felt like heaven and sin as his kiss moved down and worked my chin, my throat, and my breasts.

  “Oh, no,” I giggled. “You’re not avoiding this conversation. What do you think about a June wedding?”

  Javan regarded me with eyes so filled with desire he looked confused at the topic at hand. His head both of them were focused on one thing.

  His eyebrows creased. “Yasmine, that soon?”

  “Javan, that’s nine months away. There’s so much to do. I’ve got to find a place for the wedding and reception. We’ve got to come up with a guest list. I’ve got to find a dress for the girls and for me. And we’ve got to find someplace to live. Both of us have roommates so moving in together is not an option. And, oh, God, we haven’t met each other’s parents yet.”

  The expression on his face was comical. “I didn’t think about that.”

  “Yeah, baby, it’s work to get married. But once we are, the benefits are…” I grinned wickedly. “Let me show you.” I pushed him on his back and straddled him.

  “I like this part.” His voice went deep as he grabbed hold of my hips.

  Our tongues were fighting their private war when heavy banging on the door startled us.

  “Didn’t you put the ‘do not disturb’ sign on the door?” His annoyance mirrored my own.

  “Yes.” My employees knew not to disturb me unless it was an emergency. Such as the hotel being on fire. “This better not be about the computers,” I mumbled and climbed off Javan to grab the guest robe from the bathroom.

  Javan lay in bed smiling. His thick biceps were pronounced as he shifted his arms behind his head.

  The banging continued.

  “Go get ‘em, baby.” He chuckled.

  I reached the door, twisted the lock, and yanked it open. “What the hell do you…Brian?” He had a murderous expression on his face. “What’s wrong? Is Ebony okay?” I pulled the lapels of my robe tightly across my chest.

  “No, she isn’t.” His lips were drawn tight, his brows dropped low. “Where is he?”

  I was really confused. Brian should have been with Ebony, but she didn’t seem to be around.

  “Why do you”

  “Move.”

  I stood firm. “No, not until you” Brian shoved past me and headed for the bed where Javan lay.

  “Your ass is mine,” he growled.

  * * * *

  “Do you want me to call the cops?” Kaitlyn asked. She held her cell phone in one hand and gripped the door handle with the other.

  I drove wildly, trying my best to catch Brian at the hotel before someone got hurt. I struggled to keep from running red lights.

  “Come on, come on…” My palm ached from pounding the steering wheel.

  “Never mind. The way you’re drivin’ the police will just follow us in.”

  “Kaity, I don’t know what to do. This is all my fault. I should have said something as soon as it happened.”

  “Why didn’t you?” I saw her turn to face me in my peripheral.

  I glanced at her, then burned rubber the moment the light turned green.

  “Honestly, I didn�
��t think she’d stay with him this long. You know how Yasmine is, always with a new guy every few months. Brian didn’t need the distraction while he was on the road. He would have dropped everything and come home; it would have ruined his career. Plus, I was scared he wouldn’t want me anymore.”

  “That’s just plain stupid,” she said. “Why didn’t you tell me?” Another quick glance revealed hurt feelings on her face. “We’re friends, Ebony. I could have helped you. You shouldn’t have dealt with this by yourself.”

  Another wave of guilt hit me. “Honestly, Kaity, I didn’t want you to keep it from Yasmine. It wouldn’t have been fair to you. I’m sorry.”

  She reached over and gripped my hand. “And you were pregnant?”

  I sighed. “I don’t know, I could have been. Before Brian left we had a moment…and well, both of us were willing to accept the consequences. The next night Javan raped me and didn’t use protection. It scared me. I thought about what would happen if I ended up pregnant and the baby was his instead of Brian’s. I couldn’t live with that, so I did what I had to do. And I hate myself for it.”

  Her grip tightened. “God, Ebony, I am so sorry. Whatever you need, I’m here for you.”

  “What I need is to stop Brian from doing something stupid and destroying his career. I’ve got to get to him. I need him.”

  “I’m gonna call the police.” She placed the call with her free hand.

  The lights of the hotel loomed in the distance. I released her hand to grip the wheel and pushed the pedal to the floor.

  * * * *

  “What the fuck, man!” Javan scrambled naked from the bed and reached for his pants. He hopped around on one leg to get them on. Only the king-sized bed separated us.

  My mind went all over the place taking everything in. The fact Yasmine gripped my arm and shouted at me was insignificant to the hum of anger that buzzed in my ear.

  I took one look at the bed and felt sick to my stomach.

  This was the same room where Ebony and I spent the weekend. The room she cried in the moment I opened the door.

  And then it hit me, a full shot to the chest.

  She’d made love to me after she was raped.

  How was that even possible? How could she want to be with me after that violent act? After having her will of what happened to her body stripped from her?