I Never Planned on You

by Stefanie Jenkins

  Pulling back, he places his hands along my cheeks to look me over. It’s as if he’s trying to memorize everything about me in case I run again. To be honest, I haven’t decided if I’ll be able to stay, but I’m willing to try.

  He takes my hand and pulls me to the couch. “Have you been here long?”

  I shake my head. “Your roommate let me in.” I accentuate the word roommate.

  “Oh, you met Ky. He’s a good dude. We met freshman year of college. We hit it off right away.” My mind drifts to his freshman year of college. Emmett. My lip begins to tremble, so I pull it between my teeth and bite down until I taste copper. I look back over to the wall where the photos are on the wall.

  Zach catches me staring and opens his mouth to say something but is interrupted by Kyler walking into the room. “Hey, man, you’re home.” Zach nods.

  “You headed out to—” Kyler starts, but Zach cuts him off to say, “Nah, I’m home tonight to catch up with Dani.”

  Turning to me, he asks, “Pizza for dinner work for you?” I nod. Zach turns back toward Kyler. “Ky, you want to join?”

  Kyler is grabbing his keys off the table. “Thanks, rain check. I’m headed out to meet the twins. I’ll catch you both later.” Kyler turns to me with a smile. “Nice to meet you, Dani. Welcome home.” And then he’s out the door. Twins? Jesus, what a player.

  Zach must be able to sense my judgment, because he playfully nudges my arm and laughs. “The twins are his older twin sisters, Lauren and Kate. They live here in town. They meet usually once a week for dinner. Sometimes they come out for karaoke night, so you might be able to meet them soon.”

  My eyes go wide at the mention of karaoke and meeting new people. I don’t know about all that; I’m just trying to make it through the day on my own.

  Zach slaps his hands on his thighs and rises off the couch. “Come on, I’ll give you the tour and show you the guest room. It’s yours for as long as you like. I’ll order a pizza, and we can get you settled and catch up. Still prefer ham and pineapple?”

  “Sounds great.”

  Zach’s house is a rancher-style house. There are three bedrooms and two baths. One bathroom is attached to Zach’s room, and the other is in the hallway between Kyler’s room and the room I’ll be staying in. I grew up with my own bathroom but shared one with Em and Zach when I would visit the apartment, so I’m sure I could share a bathroom with Kyler, or maybe I could ask Zach if I could just use his at times.

  The kitchen is beautiful. There’s a giant island with a marble countertop. I could see myself spending hours in here baking and making a giant mess. I’m sure my brother missed my baking. I have a lot of making up to do, so might as well start as soon as possible through his stomach.

  Dinner arrives not long after we unload the last box of mine into my room. I prefer a minimalist lifestyle just in case I feel the need to pack up and leave quickly; all of my belongings fit in my Toyota RAV4.

  Zach drops the pizzas on the island as I take a seat on a barstool at the counter, then heads to the fridge and grabs two beers. Setting one down in front of me, he laughs. “Damn, that feels weird giving you one, even though I know you’re twenty-one now. Still weird. Another milestone we missed, huh.” He quickly takes a sip of his beer and looks anywhere but at me.

  He finally turns back to me, and his face grows serious. “Can I ask you a question?” I nod and set down my slice of pizza. “Why now? Why after all this time did you finally call?”

  I knew this question would come up sooner or later when he didn’t ask on the phone. “That’s kind of a complicated answer to give. There were times that I had thought I would show up randomly at Mom and Dad’s door. I even packed up my whole apartment once and got into my car to head home, but I couldn’t turn my car on.” I take a sip of my beer. I might need to ask for something stronger if I want to get through this conversation.

  “Anyways, one night I had this dream…well, it was more of a nightmare, and I had woken up covered in sweat, which sadly wasn’t anything new, but I couldn’t get rid of this weird feeling and could remember the whole thing. Over the next week, I kept hearing the song ‘Count on Me’ by Bruno Mars. Like literally, everywhere. It played at the restaurant I was waitressing in, the local coffee shop I went to, the grocery store, and the car. It’s not like it was a newer song. But it just felt like a sign. So, I finally found the strength to press Send.”

  I let my brother process that before I change the subject to break some of the tension in the room.

  “So, what have you been up to the past four years?”

  “Well.” He pauses as if he is trying to decide what to say. “Well, when I graduated UPenn, I started full-time at the sports marketing firm in the city that I had interned at senior year. I really love it. I get to spend my days watching sports and get paid for it. Still have dinner with Mom, Dad, and the Hankses once a week, although with my work schedule we’ve been doing more brunches or early dinners. You should come. I know everyone would want to see you.”

  The mention of the Hanks family makes my stomach tie in a knot. I’m not ready to face them. The people who were my second family, my future in-laws…no, I can’t.

  My face must falter because he sets his pizza back on the plate and reaches for my wrist. “When you’re ready, okay? I’m not going to push you. I’m just glad you’re here.”

  Pulling me into another tight hug, Zach whispers into my hair, “God I missed you so much, Dani. I’ve looked at my phone so many times the past few days to make sure you calling wasn’t actually a dream.” His grip on me tightens as if he doesn’t want to let me go, and I realize my grip on him is just as tight.

  “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere,” I respond, and I can feel him instantly relax. As long as I keep telling myself that I’m not going anywhere, maybe I’ll believe it. I want to believe my words.

  I stand and take my plate to the sink. “Well, it’s been a long day. Is it okay that I take a quick shower and head to bed? We can catch up more tomorrow.” I want to reassure him that I’ll still be here in the morning.

  He smiles, and I can genuinely tell my brother is happy to have me back. I’m still deciding how I feel about it. “Of course, we can talk more tomorrow.” I wrap my arms around my brother’s waist, and he kisses the top of my head. “Night, sis.”

  “Night, Zachy.” I hear him laugh at the childhood nickname as I walk toward the bathroom.

  I don’t even grab a change of clothes from my room, but I’m happy that I placed my toiletry bag in there earlier this evening. I just need to feel the warm water run over me. I’ve been on my own for so long, it feels weird being in the presence of others, even if it’s just my brother, someone I grew up with my entire life. Turning the water on, I strip out of my clothes and stare at my naked body in the mirror. When I see my reflection, I don’t really recognize it. I miss how Emmett used to look at me and tell me how beautiful I was.

  The first time he saw me naked, I was so nervous. He had seen me in bikinis for years, but being completely naked left me feeling vulnerable. I tried to cover myself up with my hands, and Em pulled my arms away and told me, “Never cover yourself up from me, baby girl. I love you—all of you—even the parts you don’t like about yourself. I—” He kissed my forehead. “—love—” Then my cheek. “—all—” My neck. “—of—” My collarbone. “—you.” And just above where my breasts were. We were fifteen and sixteen when we lost our virginity to each other. Em had been my first for everything: first crush, first boyfriend, first kiss, first…and only sexual partner, and first heartbreak.

  I shake the thoughts away before I get lost in the tears. Now that I’m living with Zach and his roommate, I want to limit the times I cry in public. When I am alone in my room, all bets are off.

  I pull back the shower curtain, which may I mention seems to be a little girly for being Kyler’s bathroom. Hmm, maybe he’s gay, although judging by the way he looked at me when I arrived, I’m thinking that is probabl
y not the case. Knowing my mom, she might have decorated the whole house.

  Aware that I am not living alone and not wanting to use up all the hot water, I try to take a quick shower. As the water runs over my face, I can’t help but let the tears fall that I have been keeping in all day since I walked up to the front door. When I step out of the shower, I can hear Zach talking on the other side of the door. I’m not sure if he’s on the phone or if Kyler has come back from his night out. I wrap the towel around me and run my fingers through my wet hair. I’m too tired to blow-dry it tonight, so natural waves tomorrow it is. It’ll be a nice change from the daily messy bun I’ve been rocking for a while now.

  I am lost in thought when I open the door and walk into the hallway straight into…Kyler. I yelp and almost lose my towel, causing me to grab on to it tight. His hands are on my arms in a heartbeat to steady me. Since I’m only five foot five, he looks down at me and directly into my eyes. “You okay? I didn’t mean to scare you.”

  Catching my breath, I realize his hands are still on me, and my eyes drop to where he’s touching my naked skin. He notices and quickly drops his hands, leaving one by his side and running the other through his hair, forcing some of it back in his eyes. My heart begins to beat a little faster. Why do I feel like I want to brush it away?

  “Yeah, I’m fine, but you’re kind of blocking my door,” I snap a little harsher than planned, but I need a quick escape from his presence.

  Living with Zach is one thing, but I’m not sure if I can handle living with a stranger. Kyler steps aside and I walk past him toward my room. I hear him say softly, “Good night, Dani,” as he walks into the bathroom and closes the door.

  I enter my bedroom and close the door behind me. Searching through the boxes for some clothes, I find one of Emmett’s T-shirts and throw on a pair of shorts. Yes, I still sleep in his shirts. I know they don’t smell like him anymore. I tried to go a while without washing them in hopes that they would never lose his scent, but then it started to fade and they started to smell, so I was forced to wash them. I look around at this room and decide I won’t unpack much tonight, but I do browse some boxes in search of a few items I need to sleep: my phone charger, my iPod and headphones, and the photo of Emmett and me that is always on my nightstand. I plug my phone into the charger and set it down on the nightstand along with the photo, and unwrap my headphones from around the iPod.

  I turn the light off and walk back carefully to ensure I don’t knock over any boxes. Climbing into bed, I find it’s definitely more comfortable than anything I’ve slept on in a while. I stare at Em’s photo and kiss my fingers, placing them on his face in the photo. Tomorrow is another day, another day I have to wake up without him. I can do this. Deep breath in and deep breath out.

  I set the frame back on the nightstand. “I love you, baby.” I pause as if he were responding with “I love you, Cupcake,” then sink down into the covers and say, “Forever and always.” I put the earbuds in my ears and turn on the song that has been on repeat to help me dream of Em at night, “Forever” by the Beach Boys.

  I look over at my cell phone and it reads 2:00 a.m. Fuck! I’ve been staring at my ceiling for hours since I got back home from dinner with my sisters. My mind is racing with thoughts of that beautiful bombshell sleeping in the room next to mine. I’ve seen photos of Dani obviously—we have them all over the house—but they were from four years ago or earlier. She is simply the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Opening that door and seeing her standing there took my breath away, like literally took it away. I guess in my mind I had still pictured the young girl in the photos, not the woman she has become.

  I saw the way she looked at me, and if we were living in a movie or one of those silly romance novels Lauren is obsessed with reading, then I should have pulled her into my arms right there and given her a kiss to end all kisses. But this isn’t the movies or a romance novel—this is real life. I’m well aware of her backstory. I couldn’t image losing the love of my life at such a young age or, well, any age actually.

  Zach and I met the second semester of freshman year in English Lit, just after the accident. I had moved into the apartment the weekend she up and left. Over the years, I’ve seen the struggle in Zach’s eyes of dealing with Emmett’s death and Dani being gone.

  When Zach mentioned the other day that she had finally called, I didn’t hesitate saying yes when he asked if I minded if she stayed with us for a little while. He broke down in front of me, explaining how he had hoped and prayed every day that it would be the day she would finally call. I didn’t know why after all this time she called, and it didn’t matter. All that mattered was that she was here, but she is now consuming all of my thoughts, causing me to still be awake at this hour when I have a shit ton of work to do tomorrow.

  If I can get through growing up with Lauren and Kate, then I can get through living with Dani, although I didn’t expect her to take residency in my brain. When Zach extended the invitation of staying around to join them for a pizza and a movie, I seriously thought about canceling on my sisters, but I think they needed time alone to talk and catch up, not to mention if I bailed on Lauren and Kate I never would have heard the end of it. They knew something was up with me when they got to the restaurant.

  “What’s up, asshole?” Lauren said as she slapped her hand on my shoulder before taking her jacket off and placing it in the corner of the booth. I stood up and kissed her cheek.

  “Hey, where’s mine?” her identical twin sister, Kate, said, coming up behind me and capturing me in a hug. My sisters and I are five years apart, and we weren’t super close growing up. It wasn’t till they had gone off to college that we got close, which seems silly since they no longer lived at home anymore.

  I leaned back and kissed Kate’s cheek too. “Always a joy seeing you both,” I said, rolling my eyes as I took another swig of my beer. Kate and Lauren both took a seat across from me.

  “What the hell has your panties in a bunch, Ky,” Kate spat out. My mind went back to the sweet brunette who showed up at my door an hour ago, and unknowingly, a smile hit my lips.

  “Holy shit, that looks like a smile on his face. Little brother’s in love!”

  “Oh yeah, look at him blushing.”

  My sisters were ridiculous. Why did I meet them out again? The waitress came to the table and took their drink order. They may be identical, but their styles were completely different. Lauren was more of a girly girl and ordered a cosmo, channeling her inner Carrie Bradshaw—for the record, I never watched Sex in the City but had heard my sister call herself that plenty of times before. Kate, however, was the opposite. She was an artist who danced to the beat of her own drum. Her short brown hair with pink streaks throughout started out as a rebellion phase to tell them apart but became her signature look. Kate also didn’t believe in “girly drinks,” which was why she ordered an IPA on tap and a shot of whiskey.

  Silence descended over the table, and I hoped they would forget and move on to a new subject. The waitress came back and brought their drinks and a refill for me. Kate threw back the shot and slammed it on the table. “Okay, little bro. Spill.”

  I took a sip of my beer. “It’s nothing really.”

  Lauren cut me off. “Nope, not buying it. It’s clearly something, or you would just come out and say it.”

  I took a deep breath. “Okay, fine. God you guys suck. Remember I told you that Zach’s sister would be staying with us for a while?”

  “His sister who ran away and he hasn’t seen in years?”

  I nodded. “She didn’t just run away; her boyfriend died, and she wasn’t coping, so she ran. I mean, I guess there are worse things she could’ve done. Anyway, she…Danielle…Dani arrived today. Zach wasn’t home yet, so I let her in just before I left to come meet you guys.”

  “What’s she like?”

  “I don’t know, I spent maybe ten minutes around her. She looks a lot like Zach; I can see how he said when they were younger people thought t
hey were twins for real.”

  The waitress took our food order and left us alone again. My throat was getting drier by the second as I sat there thinking about Dani, but I had to pace my drinking. Couldn’t be arriving back home drunk. Lord help me, what I might do then.

  “So, what’s the problem, then?” Lauren questioned innocently, but Kate was looking into me like she saw right through me.

  The light in Kate’s eyes got brighter as she realized. “You like her!”

  “Ha! How could I like her? I don’t even know her. But fuck…she is beautiful. I’m in trouble.” I ran my fingers through my hair before placing my hands on the back of my neck and exhaling a long breath. I was in trouble for sure.

  As our food arrived, Lauren spoke up. “Let me just say this, Kyler, because we love you and want what’s best for you… Be careful. I don’t know what she went through, but there’s a reason she up and left without a word. You don’t know if she is going to leave again or if she’s even…”

  Before I let her finish, I interrupted. “I get you looking out for me, but I’m not looking to marry the girl. Just going to live with her for a little while, while she gets her shit together. Just relax, okay? I’m a big boy. Thanks for the concern, Mom.”

  My sister’s foot came in contact with my shin. “Ow! What the fuck was that for?”

  Kate shoved a forkful of pasta into her mouth. “Because you’re an asshole, a royal asshole.”

  We spent the rest of dinner discussing typical bullshit as we usually do. I loved meeting up with them, and I knew they meant well.

  When I arrived home, I expected to find Zach and Danielle on the couch watching a movie. I hadn’t been out too late, but when I walked in the front door, I found Zach spread out on the couch alone on the phone and Danielle nowhere in sight. He put his hand over the phone. “Hey, man, how was dinner?”