I Never Planned on You

by Stefanie Jenkins

  She is in the zone, and who am I to disturb her? I just stand and watch her. Hearing her voice reminds me of the time Zach and I had arrived home from the gym and heard her singing in the shower. There was so much power and emotion behind her voice, and while I still hear that same power and emotion, she is not the same girl. It has only been a few months, but there is such a difference in her from the first time she knocked on the door to now, in the kitchen, making that spoon her bitch.

  I have no idea what she is cooking, but it smells delicious. As if my stomach is on the same page, it grumbles and I’m lucky that the music is too loud for her to hear it over the tunes. I’m not ready to stop staring at her just yet.

  It’s in that very moment when I realize that this girl…this girl is everything…my everything. She is my world. I would do anything for her. I need to make her smile, to make her laugh, to make her feel that she is enough. I want to fill all the cracks in her broken heart and pray she never has to know that kind of pain again. I want to go to sleep with her every night in my arms and wake up the same, kissing her and showing her what she means to me. I want to dance with her around the kitchen like her parents and for her to teach me more about her being in her element of cooking and baking. What is this feeling? I can’t make it out exactly, maybe because I’ve never experienced it before. I… I… I think I love her. Yep, I do. I look at her the way Zach looks at Haylee. I love the way she looks in our kitchen, dancing around as if she’s auditioning for a girl band. I love the way she fits in my arms, in my “nook” as she calls it, how she is honest and isn’t afraid to speak her mind.

  I want her…all of her…forever. I just need to figure out how to tell her that.

  “Hi, handsome.” She finally turned around and noticed me standing here, leaning against the wall with my ankles and arms crossed. She reaches over to her phone and turns the volume down from the source instead of walking over to the Bluetooth speaker.

  “Hey, baby.” I smile at her. I could tell her right then and there, but nope, it’s not the right moment. I stride over to where she is standing at the counter, wrap my arms around her waist, and press my lips to the spot where her neck meets her shoulder that causes her to shiver. She leans back into my touch and turns her head to look up at me before pulling me in for a quick kiss.

  “Mmmmmm, a guy could get used to this.”

  “What can I say? I aim to please.” She winks and sneaks out of my arms, heading over to the fridge, and my excitement goes straight to my dick. She is quite the sassy little vixen. I adjust my pants before walking over to the island and pulling out a stool to sit down on.

  Dani brings over two water bottles and hands me one.

  I take a sip and look around the kitchen. “What’s all this?”

  She laughs. “Dinner.”

  “Thank you, Captain Obvious. I meant what are you making.”

  She scrunches her nose up at me, a face she makes often when she is trying to be a smartass. I’ve learned many of her expressions, like when she is pretending to be mad but is fighting back a laugh, when she is sad but trying to hide it from me, when she is annoyed with her brother, when she is about to come. That last one is my favorite expression of hers. Her cheeks and chest get so flushed, her eyelids start to flutter, and she will chew her lip on the left side to try and keep from crying out at first. I am completely in my own world reliving each of her expressions that I don’t hear her talking until I feel—

  “Owwww! Did you just tweak my nipple?”

  With a devilish smirk on her face, she says, “Yes, yes I did. You clearly weren’t listening, so I had to get your attention. If it makes you feel any better, I’ll make it all better later.” She winks while I rub the pain in my chest. Shit, that legit hurt.

  I give her a puppy dog apology look. “I’m sorry, babe, what was it you were saying?”

  She smiles at me before walking back to the stove to sir something in the big pan. “I said that I was making shrimp and veggie stir fry over rice.”

  At the sound of that, my stomach growls. This time she hears it and throws her head back in laughter while she continues stirring the pan, which I now know is full of veggies.

  “Zach is in the shower, and Haylee is on her way from class. Why don’t you go get changed and come back and you can help me finish.”

  I get up from my stool and take another drink of water. “What? You don’t love me in my work clothes?” Dani turns around, and her eyes take in my appearance: black pants and a tight purple button-up shirt that is rolled at the sleeves, the top two buttons undone.

  She saunters toward me, reaching up for my collar. “Why yes, I do enjoy the view of you like this, but I need a moment to finish my song, so I kind of need you to leave for a moment. Also, if you don’t leave the kitchen, I may have to keep unbuttoning this shirt…” Her hands go from my collar to the buttons, and she plays with the first one that’s not undone. “And then dinner is going to be ruined, which means you won’t also get dessert…so there’s that.”

  I’m not sure if she is referring to real dessert that she baked or her—either way, I want my dessert. I quickly kiss the top of her head and run out of the kitchen toward my bedroom. I hear her laughing in the distance, and the music turns back up; this time I recognize the song to be “Baby, Baby” by Amy Grant. I only know this because she has been singing this song a lot in the shower. I hurry up and get changed into gym shorts and a T-shirt so that I can get back to the show in the kitchen.

  I apparently wasn’t fast enough. By the time I get back there, Zach has taken a seat at the table and Haylee is in the kitchen with another spoon, dancing with Dani. Well, so much for getting a chance to sneak a peek at dessert. I take a seat next to my best friend while we enjoy the view of our girls laughing and having fun. They seem to be dancing to some Katy Perry remix. From what I have heard, these two used to be extremely obsessed with her.

  Zach looks almost as if he is in pain, rubbing his hands over his face, but I see him smiling as his hands come down. He looks back at the girls and shakes his head. I hit his arm, getting his attention. “What’s with the face?”

  He blows out a breath, trying to hide his laugh. “You’ve created a monster. You do realize that since my sister is happy all the time and singing around the house, these two”—he points to the girls—“are back to their crazy Katy Perry ways. You think it was bad listening to Haylee listen to her songs. Oh no, buddy, you ain’t seen nothing yet. They’ll start putting on two shows a night pretty soon.” He rolls his eyes so hard I think they’re going to roll into the back of his head and stay there. I know that he is enjoying this though. His sister is happy and smiling, and it makes me feel fucking awesome knowing that I put that smile on her face.

  I realize this is what it’s all about. I know that I need to tell her soon how I feel, but maybe it can wait another day. Right now, I want to soak in the view in front of me and hope that when the time does come for me to tell her, she feels the same way I do or is at least open to the idea and this can be what our days/nights feel like from now on.

  K yler and I come rushing out of the bedroom and into the living room when we hear Haylee’s shriek. I start to panic, rushing down the hallway. Is she okay? Is Zach okay? I can’t lose either of them, and my chest starts to tighten. I hate that my mind first goes to that, but after Emmett, I guess I just fear losing anyone else I love. We come to an abrupt stop when we see Zach down on one knee in front of Haylee holding a black velvet box in front of him. The box is open, and I can see a diamond ring in it.

  “Haylee Grace Hanks, I have had the honor of knowing your love and friendship for twenty-two years. Throughout those years I have watched you go from the silly nerdy girl next door to this incredibly beautiful and charismatic woman. We had to go through an earth-shattering tragedy to find ourselves.” I look down and catch my breath since I know he is talking about Emmett. “Your love and comfort put me back together. You make me laugh, smile, and feel complete. I look a
t you and not only see my past and present but also my future. I am so head over heels in love with you. Please let me spend the rest of my life making you as happy as you make me. Hails, will you marry me?”

  “Yes! Yes! God, yes!” Haylee shouts as he slides the ring on her finger and pulls her into an embrace. I realize that I am crying as Kyler rubs my back. He must think I am crying tears of joy for them, but it’s the complete opposite. Kyler walks toward the newly engaged couple, cheering and hugging them both, but I haven’t moved from my spot. Zach pulls Haylee into his arms and looks to me to say something, anything, but I say nothing. I can tell he is unhappy about my response or lack of.

  “Dani, say something.”

  “Are you fucking kidding me?” I can’t hold my tears back—tears of sadness, heartbreak, and pain all rushing back. Tears knowing that should’ve been me getting engaged. This Jacobs getting engaged to a different Hanks. Tears of jealousy that my brother gets his happily ever after, and anger of them moving on. That was supposed to be us, damn it.

  In my rage, I don’t even notice Kyler walks back up to me and places his hand on my arm. “Aren’t you excited for your brother and your best friend?”

  I pull back from him. “Are you seriously going to lecture me right now?”

  Haylee has begun to cry. I’ve clearly upset her, and Zach places his arm in front of her as if to protect her from me. “Fuck, Dani! Why can’t you just be happy for me and Haylee? Huh? It’s always just about you still, isn’t it?”

  Shaking my head, I run back to the bedroom and grab my purse, phone, and keys and head to walk out the door. “Oh please, love is for assholes. All it brings is pain, and anyone would be a fool to believe in that shit…that happily ever afters can actually happen.”

  Kyler grabs my hand to try to stop me from walking out, but I turn and snap at him, “Don’t touch me. What, you think you can fix me? That we can just play house and live out our happily ever after bullshit? You’re nothing but a replacement. You may have replaced Emmett in my brother’s world, but you won’t in mine. This is… This is…”

  I can see the hurt in his eyes; it’s written all over his face. “What, baby… It’s love? It’s real? It’s raw? Because it’s all of those things, Dani! Why can’t you just let me in?” I’ve never heard him this angry before.

  My eyes are overflowing with tears. “It was a mistake, Kyler. You can’t make me happy, and you’re a fool to believe you can. I’m incapable of loving or being loved. I’m just broken.” I shrug him off before slamming the door. I run to my car, knowing that I probably shouldn’t drive, but if I don’t get out of here, they might come looking for me. I hurry out of the driveway and try to plan an escape. There is only one place I want to be, so I hop on the highway and head to the one person who can make this all better.

  I t’s been almost five years since I have been here. I refused to come here because then I would be accepting the fact that he was really gone. The two-hour drive goes by pretty fast. At first, I drove in silence, but I could hear the catches in my breath as I continued to cry, so I decided to drown out my thoughts by turning on the radio and getting lost in the music.

  The air is sucked right out of my lungs as I pull into the gates at Glen Ridge Cemetery. I’m headed to talk to Emmett, and oh how I wish he could respond. I park my car on the hill by the pond, knowing he is just about a hundred feet away. I somehow find the strength to open the door. I know that my eyes and face are swollen from all the crying. Haven’t I cried enough over the years?! I wrap my arms around my stomach and force my feet to move. There are fresh flowers in the vase, showing someone was here recently— maybe his mom or mine—next to the gravestone that reads:

  I can’t breathe. This isn’t real. I close my eyes and remember the last time I was here.

  Sitting in those uncomfortable green chairs, I couldn’t stop fidgeting with my hands. My mom sat on my right, and Haylee was to my left with her parents seated next to her. Zach stood behind me with his hands on my shoulders, and my father stood behind my mother. I looked up at Father John as he was speaking, but it was as if I was deaf. I saw that his mouth was moving, but I refused to process what he was saying, so my body chose to not listen. I had zoned out completely that I missed when Father John called me up to read the poem I had reluctantly agreed to read. Ms. Natalie had asked if I would read or say something graveside since Zach read at the service and Haylee gave the eulogy.

  At first, I had declined. How was I supposed to get up there and speak? But my parents had convinced me that this was what Em would want. What he would want… What he would want was to still be alive. I felt Zach’s hand squeeze my shoulder, and as I looked up, my mom whispered, “They’re waiting for you.” I took a deep breath and stood up on shaky legs.

  I took five steps to the front of the crowd, standing next to the spot that Emmett would call his final resting place. I looked over at the casket where he was laid and asked—no, begged—for strength to be able to not only get through this reading but to be able to get through tomorrow. How appropriate it was that the poem selected was “If Tomorrow Starts Without Me.”

  I looked around at the crowd and then down at my paper. I began to speak:

  “When tomorrow starts without me,

  And I’m not there to see,

  If the sun should rise and find your eyes

  All filled with tears for me.

  I wish so much you wouldn’t cry

  The way you did today,

  While thinking of the many things,

  We didn’t get to say…”

  I was forced to take a few deep breaths to try to fight back my tears. I still had so much left to read, but I could hear the sounds of sobbing around me. I looked up and my eyes were met with Ms. Natalie’s—a mother burying her son today. I tried to find the strength for her, for Em.

  “I know how much you love me,

  As much as I love you,

  And each time you think of me,

  I know you’ll miss me too.”

  I heard the sobbing begin again, loud painful wails, crying uncontrollably, and then felt strong arms around me. I turned to see my brother holding me up, and it was then that I realized that the loud sobbing was coming from me. This was really happening. I really wasn’t just having a nightmare that he was gone.

  My mother had gotten up from her seat and had her arms around Ms. Natalie. Zach escorted me to my seat and pulled me into his lap, rubbing my back while I released a fountain of tears, fisting his shirt in pain. I just wanted the ache in my chest to stop. My dad had taken the paper with the poem and continued to read it to the end.

  I drop to my knees in front of the headstone and lose it.

  “Why! Why, did you leave me? I’m broken without you. I’m so lost without you. I’ve tried so hard to move on with my life, but I can’t without you. Was my love not enough to keep you here? Am I being punished for us being too happy too young? Why can’t you answer me? We had plans and promises, and they’re gone.”

  Pausing, I try to find the words that I have kept in for years. “I just can’t be happy for them…I can’t. That was supposed to be us. We were supposed to be getting engaged, married, having kids, living a long life together to die in our old age after we spent so much time together. Not one wintery night at eighteen, ripping you from our lives.

  “I hate you for leaving me. I hate you for loving me so fucking much that without you I can’t breathe. I don’t want to be sad all the time anymore—I just don’t know how to do that without you. Please help me, baby. I miss your laugh, your touch, your kisses, your voice, your love, your everything. I miss who I was with you. How do I move on when I spent my whole life loving you? I didn’t get to say goodbye to you. Our last conversation was about boners in the library. Why did you leave me behind? We were supposed to be together forever—that’s what you promised. That was the plan!”

  I pull my knees from underneath me and wrap my arms around them. I let the tears fall. I cry for Emm
ett, for the life we would’ve had. I cry for his parents, his sister, my brother, our friends. I cry until I feel like I’ve cried every last tear there is.

  Taking a deep breath, I rest my chin on my knees. I replay this morning’s events: my brother’s engagement, my fight with Kyler, my one-sided argument with Emmett and God. I’m not sure how long I’ve sat here, possibly hours. I had turned my phone off on the drive. Kyler and Zach wouldn’t stop calling or texting, but I’m not surprised I hadn’t heard from Haylee. I had ruined what was supposed to be one of the best days of her life.

  I hear a car door close in the distance and a female voice approach. I don’t turn around, but I know that voice that says, “Yeah, I found her, she’s okay. We’ll be home soon…love you too.” Putting her phone away, Haylee sits down next to me.

  “I figured this is where I’d find you. I come here when I need a moment too.” Turning to the headstone, she places her hand to Emmett’s name. “Hey, big bro. About time she visited, huh?”

  We sit there in silence. I’m not even sure where to begin with her—apologizing for this morning, ask how Kyler is doing, does he hate me, does Zach hate me, should I move out? Haylee can sense my hesitation and thoughts, I guess, so she opens her mouth and closes it a few times before speaking,

  “It’s okay, Dani,” she says as she places her hand on my wrist.

  I shake my head. “No. It’s really not. I’m not sure how to do this. I’m a mess. I ruined this morning, and then I said some very hurtful things to Kyler. Then I come here for the first time since the funeral and I scream. Like seriously at the top of my lungs, wake-the-dead-style scream. I’m surprised no one called the cops to haul my ass out of here. I’m just still so angry. Where do you find the strength to move on?”

  Haylee ponders my question, and her grip on my wrist tightens a bit. “It’s not easy. It’s honestly a lot of work, but I take it one day at a time. Some days I am so angry that he’s not here, and others I use the anger I have that he’s not to power me through the day. I’m angry for all the big events he has missed and will continue to miss.”