Mad About You

by Sinéad Moriarty

  The bathroom door burst open. ‘What in the name of God is going on?’ James demanded.

  I threw the handcuffs at him. ‘These, James! And this text!’ I shouted, shoving his phone up to his nose.

  ‘I hate you, Mummy! You’re so mean!’ Yuri roared, as he tried to snatch the handcuffs from James.

  James read the message and clung firmly to the handcuffs, despite Yuri’s best efforts to take them from him. He looked gobsmacked. ‘Emma … I don’t … What the hell is this?’

  Yuri was winding up for a full tantrum. I needed to get him out of the room. ‘Yuri,’ I said firmly, ‘go downstairs and get yourself some crisps.’

  ‘Really?’ He was so shocked to be getting crisps before school that he forgot about the tantrum.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Cooooooool!’ He ran out of the room.

  To James, I said, ‘Would you like to explain to me what this means? Filthy texts and now handcuffs! Jesus Christ, what the bloody hell is going on?’ My heart was pounding in my chest.

  James sat down heavily on the bed and stared at the card. ‘I haven’t got a clue. I don’t understand any of this. It’s completely insane. Who is doing this?’

  I stood up. I didn’t want to be near James. I was so angry with him. He had brought this on us. It was clear now that it wasn’t one of the rugby guys, unless they were insane, so it must be a woman. It had to be someone who was in love with James and wanted to get rid of me. She had our address, she knew my name. She was sending porn to our house in front of our children. What the bloody hell had James done? Whatever it was, it was now invading all of our lives.

  ‘You must have some idea who this is,’ I yelled. ‘You have got to know who this nutter could be. Who have you been talking to? Who have you been flirting with? Who have you been having sex with?’

  James threw his hands into the air. ‘I have no idea. I swear to you, I haven’t even looked at another woman. I don’t speak to other women. All I’ve bloody done since we moved here is work, eat and sleep. I’ve been one hundred per cent focused on proving myself to the management so I get to keep my job.’

  I grabbed his arm. ‘You must have led someone on. A woman doesn’t do something crazy like this without being provoked. This is Fatal Attraction stuff. You’ve brought this on yourself and me and your family.’ I began to cry.

  James tried to put his arm around me, but I shook it off. ‘Emma, I swear on our children’s lives I have no idea who this is. I’m just as shocked and furious as you are.’

  My whole body was shaking with rage and fear and confusion. ‘Figure out who the hell it is and then tell the lunatic to stop. And if you’ve had sex with someone and are trying to pretend you didn’t, I swear to you, I will kill you. Confess now, because if I find out you’re lying, I will NEVER forgive you. Are you having an affair?’

  ‘No, I bloody am not,’ James barked. ‘I’m as much in the dark as you are. I’m horrified. Do you think I’d knowingly allow someone to do this to you, or our children? I have no idea how any of it happened. I don’t understand why someone would do this.’

  ‘Really, James? Are all those late nights just about rugby?’

  ‘YES! I need to make this work. I can’t lose another job. I’m trying to provide for my family. Since when did that become a crime?’

  ‘So who the hell is doing this?’ I screamed at him.

  James grabbed me by the shoulders and forced me to look at him. His voice was low and urgent. ‘I swear to you I have no idea who this person is. I can’t even think of a woman I’ve had a five-minute chat with since we moved to London. There is no one.’

  ‘What about Harriet in the club?’

  ‘I barely see her and she’s a very normal person, happily engaged and she’s pregnant. I don’t see her as being capable of something like this. Emma, you have to believe me, I just don’t know.’

  He let go of me and stood back. I looked at my husband, the man I loved, the man I had agreed to spend the rest of my life with. I felt only doubt and anger. This was the first time in my marriage that I had ever felt so vulnerable. I could feel a tightness in my chest. ‘The problem is, James, I don’t believe you. This cannot have come from nowhere. There’s something you’re not telling me.’

  ‘I don’t know what else to say to you, Emma. I’m as confused as you are. I have no idea why someone would send sextexts to me and crazy stuff like this to you.’

  ‘I don’t believe you,’ I said, tears pouring down my cheeks now.

  The door burst open. ‘I want crisps too,’ Lara demanded.

  I quickly wiped my face and stuck on a smile. I was glad of the interruption. I needed to get away from James. I needed to think.

  Somehow we managed to get the children fed and ready for the day. I was taking them to school as I was starting work late. James tried to kiss me goodbye but I pulled away from him.

  ‘I’ll call you later. I love you, Emma, and we’ll figure this out,’ he said, as he left. I didn’t answer.

  As we walked to school, Yuri brought up the ‘present’ again. ‘Mummy, when I come home I want to play with the clickies.’ Damn, I was hoping he’d forgotten about the bloody handcuffs.

  ‘What clickies?’ Lara asked.

  ‘The things that the police put on bad guys. Like the sheriff in Scooby-Doo.’

  ‘I want to play with them.’ Lara pouted.

  ‘Forget about them. They’re not for kids,’ I said.

  ‘Who gaved them to you?’ Yuri asked. ‘It’s not your birthday, is it, Mummy?’

  ‘No, pet, it isn’t.’

  ‘Why did you get a present, then?’

  I sighed. ‘It wasn’t a present, it was kind of a joke. A really stupid joke. Now just forget about them.’

  ‘I didn’t see them. It’s not fair. I want to see them and play with them.’ Lara was relentless.

  ‘Lara, I’m warning you. I do not want to hear another word about those stupid things. Just drop it,’ I shouted.

  Lara’s eyes welled. ‘You’re a meanie. I hate you. You’re always grumpy. I love Claire. She’s nice and she never shouts. I wish she was my mummy.’

  I felt as if I’d been stabbed. Lara knew exactly how to hurt me.

  ‘I’m not always grumpy,’ I said, feebly defending myself.

  ‘You are grumpy, Mummy, and you’re very grumpy to Daddy,’ Yuri joined in. ‘I hearded you shouting at him. Claire never shouts and she likes playing Lego with me and you never do.’

  I willed myself not to cry. I felt really guilty for snapping at the children and upsetting them. But I was angry too – furious with James for bringing all this weirdness into our lives.

  Taking a deep breath, I forced myself to sound calm. I crouched down. ‘I’m sorry I was snappy and I’m sorry I was grumpy too.’

  ‘Why are you cross with Daddy?’ Lara asked. ‘He looked sad today.’

  ‘Because he …’ I hesitated. I needed to tread carefully. Despite my anger towards my husband, these two little people thought their father was perfect. It wasn’t fair to criticize him in front of them. ‘Because he’s working too hard and I think he should come home and spend more time with us.’

  Yuri’s smooth, pale brow creased. ‘But, Mummy, he has to work hard. He has to make his team the bestest so they can win the big prize.’

  I opened my arms and pulled my two precious babies into a bear hug. ‘I love you, guys.’

  Thankfully, Lara and Yuri hugged me back. ‘I love you too, Mummy, but I love Claire best.’ Lara drove the knife further into my heart.

  ‘I love Daddy the most,’ Yuri told me, twisting it.

  I wanted to cry. What a morning! I dropped them off at the gate and headed straight for the tube. I wanted to get away from the school and sit down in a coffee shop to gather my thoughts before work. I was in a state. I needed to get a grip on my emotions.

  As I sat in Caffè Nero, near Putney Bridge tube station, I went over the morning’s events. Although my initial reaction
was that James must be having an affair, Lucy was right: why would someone he was sleeping with send stuff to my house? Unless she was a complete nutter, of course, but then, I couldn’t imagine James having sex with a crazy person. Besides that, he seemed genuinely shocked and upset by it all. Should I trust him? He wasn’t acting like a man having an affair: he always left his phone on the table for me to read his texts if I felt like it. But he was working late a lot … Then again, so did a lot of people.

  I rubbed my eyes. I felt exhausted and it was only ten a.m. I decided to give James the benefit of the doubt. I wouldn’t jump to conclusions. I wouldn’t let this deranged joker ruin our lives. Whoever it was, he or she was obviously trying to frighten me. I wouldn’t let them win. I straightened my shoulders, and picked up my bag. Onwards and upwards …

  21

  I wanted to talk to Babs about it, but when I got to work and saw how pale and stressed she looked, I decided not to say anything. She was clearly dreading telling Gary later. I tiptoed around her all day, glad of the distraction of work. I pushed my problems to the back of my mind and focused on doing a good job.

  When it was time to go home, I went over and hugged her. ‘Good luck tonight,’ I whispered in her ear.

  Babs shrugged me off. ‘I don’t need luck.’

  I took her by the shoulders and forced her to look at me. ‘Babs, he might not take it well. If he doesn’t, call me. OK? I’m here for you. We can sort this out with or without Gary.’

  My delusional little sister took a step back from me. ‘For the millionth time, Emma, it’s all going to be fine. He adores me.’

  As she turned to pick up her coat, I saw that her hands were shaking.

  I was walking towards Manor House tube station, feeling worn out from the whole sorry day, when I heard someone calling my name. I spun around and saw, with surprise, Henry pushing his way through the rush-hour crowds, waving at me. I realized I was trembling. The strange voice had frightened me. God, I was a nervous wreck.

  ‘I thought it was you,’ he said breathlessly, when he reached me.

  ‘Is this where you work?’ I asked.

  ‘My office is on Devonshire Square. I’m just coming from a meeting with a client.’

  ‘Oh, right.’

  ‘So, how are you?’

  ‘Uhm … OK, I guess.’ To my absolute horror, I began to cry.

  ‘Gosh, Emma, are you all right?’ Henry put a comforting arm around my shoulders.

  ‘I’m fine – I’m so sorry.’

  Henry handed me a linen handkerchief. I think he was the only forty-five-year-old man who still carried them.

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ I said, wiping my face and ruining his clean handkerchief with mascara. ‘I’ve just had a bad day.’

  ‘When I have bad days, I always find a brandy helps. How does that sound?’ he asked gently.

  I gave him a watery smile. ‘It sounds perfect, but can I have wine instead?’

  ‘Absolutely.’ Henry steered me into a pub across the road, settled me into a comfy corner seat and got the drinks.

  He handed me a large glass of white wine. ‘Can I help in any way? I hate to see you so upset.’

  I took a deep sip. ‘It’s silly, really,’ I said, willing myself to stop blubbing. ‘It’s just this thing with James. He’s been getting these texts.’ I looked down, embarrassed. ‘Sextexts, quite explicit, actually. And then a vibrator and handcuffs were sent to our house, addressed to me. I don’t understand what’s going on. At first we thought it was one of the London Irish players messing around, but now I think it’s someone else and … and I don’t know what to think.’

  Henry was taken aback. ‘Sounds very odd indeed. What does James think?’

  ‘He says he has no idea but …’ I hesitated, took another sip of my wine and decided to be honest. ‘Henry, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s having an affair.’

  Henry shook his head. ‘I doubt that very much. James is devoted to you and the children. He’s certainly never mentioned anything to me. I know men can stray, but I also know my little brother. He’s just not that kind of a man. Now, about those texts and parcels. Having spent years at boarding school, I’ve seen how utterly moronic men can be, especially when they wind each other up. Perhaps one of the younger players has just taken the joke too far.’

  ‘James has asked them repeatedly. He even called a special meeting to confront them and demand that it stop. But they all denied it and the captain says he thinks they’re telling the truth. I’d been telling myself that was all it was, even after the vibrator appeared, but after this morning … it just doesn’t add up. It has to be a woman.’

  Henry nodded thoughtfully. ‘It does happen, I suppose. I had a case a few years back of a woman who became obsessed with and stalked a married man.’

  ‘Was he having an affair with her?’ I asked immediately.

  ‘Not at all. In fact, John barely knew her. She worked in the local shop where he bought his newspaper every day. She was in her fifties and seemed perfectly nice and normal. John would have a little chat with her in the mornings about the weather or what-have-you, but that was it. Suddenly he was receiving text messages of a sexual nature and emails. She sent love letters to his house. She sent flowers and chocolates to his office. She then began sending emails to his boss describing their sexual exploits in graphic detail.’

  I couldn’t see how this story was supposed to help cheer me up. ‘What did he do?’ I asked, almost afraid to hear the answer.

  ‘The poor fellow became paranoid and began to suspect all the women in his office. He accused his secretary, who went straight to HR and John was in very hot water at work. He almost lost his job. He never imagined it was this older lady from the corner shop.’

  ‘But what happened? How did he find out it was her?’

  ‘She eventually called in to John’s wife and told her she was having an affair with her husband and that she was pregnant with their lovechild. Thankfully, due to the stalker’s advanced years, the wife knew this couldn’t be possible and she called the police.’

  ‘She actually confronted his wife in person?’ I felt nauseous. ‘Did she go to jail?’

  ‘No, there wasn’t enough evidence. Unfortunately, John had thrown away the letters and deleted most of the emails and texts, so we were only able to get a barring order.’

  ‘And then did she stop? Did she stay away?’

  Henry lowered his voice. ‘She was fired from her job. The owner of the shop was appalled when he found out what she’d been doing. When he fired her, she flew into a terrible rage and tried to stab him with a pair of scissors. After that we had a stronger case and she was sent to a psychiatric hospital.’

  ‘Bloody hell, Henry! How is this reassuring?’

  Henry smiled ruefully. ‘Probably a little too much detail. But the reason I’m telling you, Emma, is to show you that there are lonely women out there who can become fixated on nice friendly men, of which James is one. I would bet my life on him not having an affair, and the fact that this person has been posting things addressed to you is most peculiar. If it is a woman, she has to be unhinged in some way and living out a fantasy through James. And, like John, it could be something as simple as the fact that he buys his newspaper or his coffee from her.’

  I looked at him in despair. ‘Then how do we figure it out?’

  ‘Get James to think of all the women – even the much older ones – he speaks to or even waves at during the week. It doesn’t matter how unlikely a woman seems, think it through and see if it fits. But don’t accuse anyone until you’re absolutely sure or you could find yourselves in a lot of trouble. The best thing to do is keep the evidence – and do not respond to any of the messages.’

  ‘We responded in the beginning because we thought it was a joke.’

  ‘Well, don’t respond any more. In most cases the individual will get bored when they receive no reaction and stop.’

  Henry’s phone rang. He looked at the number and si
ghed. ‘It’s the War Office.’ He answered, and Imogen’s booming voice bellowed into the earpiece so loudly that even I could hear her.

  ‘I’ll be at the stables until six thirty. I need you to pick up some fillet steaks on the way home. Don’t go to Hardy’s for them, go to Kavanagh’s, and make sure you tell him they’re for me. Under no circumstances are you to bring home small ones. Get medium to large. Don’t forget Thomas’s recital is tonight. We must be there at eight sharp. We also need …’

  When she finally paused for breath, Henry said, ‘Imogen, can I call you back? I’m just having a quick drink with Emma.’

  ‘Emma who?’ she barked.

  ‘My sister-in-law.’

  ‘What on earth …?’

  ‘We bumped into each other at the tube,’ he explained.

  ‘Why are you drinking with her?’

  I tried to pretend I couldn’t hear her foghorn voice. Poor Henry looked embarrassed. ‘I’ll call you back in five minutes.’

  ‘What are you two talking about?’ she demanded.

  ‘SEX!’ I wanted to shout, just to wind her up. But out of respect for Henry, I kept my mouth shut.

  ‘Just this and that. I’ll call you back,’ he said, for the third time.

  ‘Don’t bother, Henry. Unlike you and Emma, I don’t have time to sit around chit-chatting. I’m far too busy.’

  Busy sitting on horses and driving everyone within a mile radius mad, I thought grumpily.

  ‘All right. We can chat later. I’ll send Emma your best.’ Henry tried to cover his wife’s rudeness.

  ‘I hope I didn’t get you into trouble,’ I said.

  ‘Not at all, Emma. Imogen can be a little, ah … abrupt at times.’

  ‘Abrupt’ was the nicest word I could think of to describe Imogen. Henry really was a saint. ‘Thanks for being so nice to me. I’m so sorry about offloading all of this on you. I’m afraid you caught me at just the wrong moment.’

  Henry squeezed my hand. ‘Emma, my dear, it’s always a pleasure to see you. I’m delighted we bumped into each other and had this chat. Now, please do remember that James is the best of men. You know you can trust him. He would never do anything to hurt you or the children, of that I’m sure.’