Before I Disappear

by Danielle Stinson

  “Can you hear the music, Rosie?”

  “Where is it coming from?”

  “From the dark. It’s always there, but now it’s getting louder. It shouldn’t be this loud.”

  It shouldn’t be this loud.

  “Charlie said the dark pulse was always there, but that it had gotten louder,” I say. “He knew where it was coming from almost like … like he could see it.” It was in the things he said. How he acted. “Charlie warned me about the town. He’s known about the Black Nothing all along. He knew it was a bad place.”

  “I don’t get it,” Jeremy says. “A lot of people were sucked into the wormhole when Fort Glory disappeared. Why is Charlie the only one who’s been able to escape? And how did Becca see him in the Black Nothing when we all know he’s here in the Fold with us?”

  They’re good questions. Over the past few days, I’ve learned more about my brother and the things he can do than I’d figured out in ten years of living right beside him. But none of that matters if I can’t also figure out how he’s doing it. That’s what we need to understand if we’re going to get out of here.

  I turn to Blaine for an answer. The boy starts to pace. Just watching him think makes me dizzy.

  “The extra dimensions,” he says. “What if Rose is right and Charlie can somehow see them? What if he didn’t need the DARC to cut a hole through the curtain of our world because he already had a backstage pass?” Blaine’s eyes widen. “It would explain how he’s so perceptive. Why he’s never fully present.”

  “You’re grasping at threads,” Jeremy says, causing Blaine to go completely still.

  “The expression is ‘grasping at straws,’ but as it happens, yes. That’s exactly what I’m doing.” Blaine reaches for his uncle’s book. “The core assumption of string theory is that all matter is made up of tiny strings vibrating and rotating at different frequencies.”

  “Strings? As in threads?” I ask, my pulse racing.

  Blaine nods. “Michio Kaku uses a metaphor that compares the superstrings in string theory to violin strings. All mathematics represent their musical notation. Physics is basically the melodies of those notes, making the universe one great big string symphony.”

  “We’re talking music? In extra dimensions?” Ian asks.

  “It can’t be an accident,” Blaine says, awestruck. “The threads you saw. They’re the key. I don’t know what they are, but Charlie obviously does. They’re what allowed Rose to go into the Black Nothing and bring Becca back. They’re the loophole Charlie exploited to escape what happened to the town. The one he’s using to travel back and forth between the Fold and the Black Nothing. The same loophole that brought Rose and Jeremy into the Fold in the first place. That makes them our ticket out of here.”

  Excitement is building in the cave. A sense of hope.

  We’re onto something. How else would Charlie be doing the things he’s doing? Haven’t I always known he was in touch with something I wasn’t—that the world through his eyes was somehow different than the one I saw?

  “There’s another possibility,” Ian says after a moment. “Charlie’s acting like the dark pulse has control of him. What if it has trapped his mind in the Black Nothing while his body is still stuck in the Fold with us?”

  His words fall through me like a stone down a well. The blood drains from my face.

  “Damnit,” Blaine hisses. “You might be right.”

  I steady myself against the cave wall. It’s rough to the touch, but I close my eyes and grip the stone so hard it hurts. “We have to find Charlie.” I focus on the only part of this I can control. The only part that matters. “If he can see these extra dimensions, maybe he can find a path through them, back to our world. Maybe he could show us how to work these threads and slip out of here.”

  My words echo through the cave.

  “We can set a trap for him,” Ian suggests. “Use you to draw him out. It’s the best use of our limited resources.”

  “No.” I push myself off the wall and face him. “We split up. Some of us search the Fold while the others wait to see if Charlie follows our trail here.” Visions of Charlie flash through my mind. I press my hand against the sudden pain in my chest. “You heard Becca. He can’t come to me. I have to go to him.”

  “That’s not going to be easy,” Ian says. “There are over thirty square miles of territory he could be holed up in. If the weather stays like this, we’ll be risking our lives every time we step outside.”

  I clench my fists. “We don’t have a choice.”

  “I’m with Rose on this,” Jeremy says.

  Ian’s nostrils flare. “What about the dark pulse?” he asks me, taking a page out of Becca’s book and ignoring Jeremy completely. “It’ll get stronger the closer we get to the wormhole over Fort Glory.”

  I focus on the problem, turning it over in my mind. “We work in teams,” I say at last. “Watch each other’s eyes to make sure nobody is about to go dark.”

  “We can start at the edge of the Fold and push in from there,” Jeremy adds.

  I nod at him. My heart is a drumbeat in my ears because we can do this. Working together we can find Charlie.

  We have to.

  I glance over at Ian just in time to catch the flash of his back before he disappears into the corridor.

  “Forget Lawson. We don’t need his permission.”

  I turn on Jeremy, my spine stiffening. “No. But we could definitely use his help.”

  Birds are filling the forest with morning songs when I follow Ian out of the caverns. He stops at the edge of the misty woods with his back to me, posture rigid.

  One look at his hunched shoulders and the arguments turn to ash in my mouth. I take a hesitant step toward him. “Ian, what’s wrong?”

  His shoulders rise and fall once. He pulls off his cap and turns to face me.

  A gasp escapes my lips. The skin over his right brow. It’s red and blistering. The burn mark runs at a slant across his temple, like someone branded the side of his face with a hot poker.

  I reach out. My fingers stop an inch shy of touching him. “What happened?”

  Ian stares at the mist-threaded woods. My hand drops softly to his chest, and his whole body relaxes. “I don’t know.”

  “What do you mean, you don’t know?”

  His gaze lifts from my hand to my face. “It was there when I woke up.”

  I struggle to get my breathing back under control. The dark pulse almost killed Becca. It’s stealing Charlie, piece by piece, and now it’s after Ian, too. Heat licks up my neck into my face. I want to lash out. To fight something. But how do you fight something you can’t even hear?

  Weak light filters through the trees. It highlights the strong lines of Ian’s face and glitters on the tips of his eyelashes, white with frost. “I have these dreams sometimes.”

  His words are little monsters that sneak into my head. “What kind of dreams?”

  He flexes his hand and stares at the white scars crisscrossing his knuckles. “I don’t remember, but when I wake up, I’m always so angry. Sometimes I swear I’m going to combust.”

  “When’s the last time you had one of these dreams?”

  “Last night.”

  I force myself to remain outwardly calm. Last night, Ian got so angry he felt like he would catch fire. Today, there’s a burn mark across his face.

  “Do you want to tell me about it?” I ask.

  “Do you want to tell me about the crying woman Becca saw?” Ian shoots back.

  My eyes widen. I start to back away. A callused palm drops onto my hand, capturing it against Ian’s breast.

  “The woman you were taking care of. It was your mom, wasn’t it?”

  My hand is on fire where his skin touches mine. I don’t say anything. I don’t have to.

  “How old were you?”

  “Fourteen.”

  “She’s lucky to have you.”

  My chin jerks. “My mother isn’t lucky. She’s broken.”
>
  Ian frowns down at me. “She’s sad. That’s not the same thing.”

  Memories hit me hard. Mom covered in flour up to the elbows. Her favorite apron and a smile on. Those days were some of the best because when Mom cooked, she would sing. Her voice made you feel like you could fly if you wanted to.

  I never wanted to. All I ever wanted was to stay right there. With her.

  In the end, she was the one who left.

  “I’m sorry, Rose.”

  My shoulders round. “It happened. It’s over.”

  “Is it?”

  My eyes fly to the burn mark on Ian’s face. One more ugly reminder that bad things happen to people, whether or not they deserve them. That some scars never truly fade.

  No. It’s not over. The Fold is stirring up the ugliness inside of us, bringing it floating to the surface. Even now, I can feel the dark pulse chipping away at that wall inside of me. Trying to crack it open.

  It terrifies me because I know exactly what’s waiting on the other side.

  “Hey.” Ian anchors me to the present with his fingers on my chin. “We’re going to find Charlie. When we do, you’re going to bring his mind back. Just like you did for Becca.”

  “What if I can’t?” My voice quivers.

  “You will.”

  “How can you be so sure?”

  “Because it’s what you do,” Ian says simply. “Step up when people need you.”

  Heat floods my face. “Do you always see the best in people?” I ask to distract from the fact that my cheeks are red and my pulse is suddenly racing out of control.

  In spite of everything, Ian’s lip twitches. “Only when it’s you.”

  My mouth drops open.

  Ian’s brow furrows as he takes a quick step backward. I watch the flush creeping up his neck, and my stomach does a sharp somersault.

  The silence between us lasts a beat too long. My brain is scrambling for some way to break it, when a rumble echoes through the forest.

  The earth comes alive under our feet.

  The force of the tremor knocks me sideways, and then it’s all I can do just to stay vertical.

  The ground pitches, sending my heart slamming into my throat. Vibrations roll through the canopy, releasing a rain of debris onto my back. Gasping, I throw my arms up over my head and hit the soft ground on my knees. I curl into a ball.

  Time plays tricks with my head. I’m not sure how long I lie there before the earthquake fades to a few mild aftershocks.

  I drag myself to my feet. A cold sweat breaks out across my brow as I search for Ian in the chaos. My chest muscles loosen when I spot him a few feet away. He’s on his knees. Struggling to get up.

  My breath comes in ragged blasts and my legs are wobbly like I just ran ten miles, but I stumble over to him and reach down.

  Ian takes my hand. His grip is like a vise. I’m not sure which one of us is holding on tighter.

  With a grunt, I haul him to his feet.

  TWENTY-FIVE

  “The Fold is getting more unstable. This whole place is about to fall apart.” The tremble in my voice is a weak echo of the aftershocks still running through the ground.

  Ian doesn’t respond, but I can read him much better now than I could a few days ago. He’s worried. We’ve got enough stacked against us without adding seismic events to the list.

  We have to get out of the Fold. Before it implodes, or the dark pulse takes us, or any of a thousand other things can go wrong. Which brings this conversation back full circle.

  I square myself up to face him. “We have to go after Charlie.”

  Ian’s shoulders droop. “I went looking for him this morning after the storm broke. There’s no sign of him by the caverns.”

  It’s no surprise. I haven’t felt Charlie’s presence or the weird tugging since last night. My gut tells me we have to head deeper into the Fold to find him.

  “I’ll get the others.” I start back for the caverns.

  “Wait.”

  I turn.

  “The temperature is rising fast, but the ground is still too cold,” Ian says. “There’s a fog coming in. A quarter mile from here it’s a complete whiteout. I barely found my way back. Anyone who goes out there now won’t be so lucky.”

  “I don’t care. Charlie needs me. He’s hurt, Ian. Maybe dying.” For the first time, I let some of the desperation sneak past the wall and into my voice.

  Ian studies my face. “Charlie has made it this long,” he says. “He can make it a few more hours till the fog clears.”

  I grind my teeth so hard my jaw aches. Ian doesn’t get it. He thinks this is about me and my obsession to find Charlie. Maybe he’s even a little bit right about that. But he doesn’t know the reason for it. And whose fault is that? I was so sure keeping the visions to myself was the right move. I was so positive the others would think I was losing it if I told them the truth. But what if the problem was never them?

  What if the problem was me?

  A piece of hair falls into my face. I yank it back behind my ear and study the bits of sky between the trees. I’ve spent the last three years running from what other people think. About Mom and Charlie. About me and the ghosts in my rearview. And what has it ever gotten me but a few maps tacked up on the wall and an existence of just barely getting by? Now even that is gone.

  What do I have left to lose?

  I set my jaw and meet Ian’s gaze head-on. “The phantom pains. Every time they come on, I’ve been getting visions of Charlie. The dark pulse is killing him, Ian. Taking him piece by piece. If I don’t find him soon, he’ll be gone. I can’t let that happen. I won’t.” The truth slides off me along with a weight I didn’t realize I was carrying. My relief lasts only until I catch the dangerous flash in Ian’s eyes.

  “Why didn’t you say something?”

  “I thought you and Blaine would think I was losing it. I couldn’t afford to make you doubt me.” I take a step toward him. “Look, maybe I should’ve told you before, but I’m telling you now. I haven’t seen Charlie since last night. I have to know if he survived the storm. I can’t feel him anymore, Ian, and it’s killing me.”

  Ian’s eyes sail past me to the white tendrils of fog creeping toward us through the trees. His expression wavers for a moment before it hardens. “I know you want to find your brother, but there are ways to help Charlie that won’t get anyone killed. Forget it, Rose.”

  His dismissal sets off a hurricane inside of me. Bitter words hang on the tip of my tongue. I’m about to let them fall when I catch a flash of green over Ian’s shoulder: the back of Charlie’s hoodie, before he disappears behind a tree a hundred yards from the caverns.

  I don’t move. I don’t even blink while I wait for Charlie to show himself again. He doesn’t.

  I open my mouth to call out but stop myself at the last second. Ian made his position clear. He won’t risk the fog. Not even after everything I’ve told him. Arguing with him about it will take time, and I’ve already wasted too much.

  “Okay.” I force my eyes away from Charlie’s hiding spot. “We’ll wait out the fog if you think it’s best.” The words stick in my craw, but somehow, I force them out.

  Tension leaves Ian’s shoulders. “As soon as the fog lifts, I’ll help you search for Charlie. Believe me, Rose. This is the right call.” Ian motions for me to go ahead.

  I gnaw the inside of my cheek. If I refuse, he’ll see right through me. So I do the only thing I can. I glance at the woods one more time, and then I turn my back on my brother and walk into the caverns.

  Every step I take tightens the throbbing knot in the center of my chest.

  Time. What I need is time. Enough to build a lead so that Ian can’t track me down. Now I just have to figure out a way to buy it.

  When we enter, everyone is holed up in their own separate corners. Blaine is flipping through his uncle’s book for the thousandth time. I want to scream that the answers he’s looking for aren’t in those pages. They’re hiding behind a t
ree about two hundred yards from this cavern.

  I need a distraction and I need it fast. Maybe if I could—

  “I have to go to the bathroom,” Becca announces in the silence.

  “There’s a hole in the back you can use,” Jeremy says.

  She wrinkles her nose. “No thanks. I’ll squat in the woods. Like a civilized person.”

  “It’s not safe for you to be outside alone,” Ian says calmly.

  “I won’t be alone. Rose will come with me. Won’t you, Rosie?”

  Rosie.

  My throat goes tight when she reaches for me. Her fingers are slippery in mine. When he was little, Charlie’s palms were always sweaty. It was like the light inside of him was trying to burn a hole right through his skin. My chest aches because I can’t remember the last time I held his hand.

  “Sure.” I try to keep my voice level. I must do a bad job because Ian’s gaze turns hot on my face.

  He starts to say something, but Becca cuts him off. “It might be the end of the world, but I’m not peeing where you can hear me.”

  A moment passes before Ian gives in. “Stay near the cavern mouth,” he warns. “Five minutes.”

  Five minutes. It’s not a lot of time, but it’s enough. It has to be.

  Becca trots out of the cavern ahead of me. We pass Ian on the way. His hand brushes mine. “Thank you,” he whispers.

  “For what?” My gaze is already moving ahead. To the fog outside, where it beckons me with crooked fingers.

  “For trusting me. I’ll help you find your brother. I promise. But when we do it, we do it the right way.”

  His words send a twinge of guilt through me. I ignore it. “See you in five.”

  Outside, the mist is getting thicker. I wait till the cavern mouth is behind us before I turn to Becca. “I have to go.”

  “I know.” When I just stare at her, she rolls her eyes. “You really think I need your help to pee? I’m here to cover you.”

  For a second, I don’t know what to say. “They won’t be happy you helped me,” I warn her.

  “Too bad. They don’t get to tell me what to do. Not after they left me for two years with not even a phone call.” Her expression turns fierce. “Jeremy and Ian think they know everything, but they don’t know about Charlie. He saved the lights in the Black Nothing. He can save us, too. But first you have to save him.”