Something Like Love

by Catherine Dunne

  ‘What are you smiling at?’ he demanded.

  ‘Oh, I don’t know,’ she said, teasing. ‘I’m just wondering if figures are the accountant’s only response to a crisis.’

  He looked at her sternly. ‘Don’t mock me. My blue folders pulled you out of the shit before – or at least, helped you to see it when it was up to your ankles. Besides, with this out of the way, we can concentrate on much more important things.’

  ‘Such as?’ She leaned towards him, teasing.

  They were both grinning now, Sam looking at her over the tops of his glasses, Rose’s hand searching out his, each insanely delighted with the other.

  ‘Oh, love, then more love, and other mysteries of life.’ He pulled her close to him. ‘You happy?’

  ‘Daftly, ridiculously happy. If these are my fifties, I’m planning on staying here for a while. And to think I thought that I was middle-aged!’

  Sam lunged at her, scattering blue folders everywhere. Rose saw the pages settle on the floor under the coffee table, under the television, and wondered how something so white, so innocent, so inanimate, could dispel so much menace.

  Later, in dressing gowns, at the table, he said: ‘So, here’s what I propose.’

  Rose sighed, putting down her cup. ‘It’s a Friday night, Sam – you know, one of those brief events called a weekend? Can’t it wait just a little longer? I’d like to live in the cocoon for at least twenty-four hours.’

  ‘Did your cur of a husband respect your weekends when he came back?’ Sam’s tone was mild, reasonable.

  ‘Well, no, but—’

  ‘Exactly. We have to be ready for him. We have no idea what he’s planning. You need to be ready for next week.’

  ‘You don’t have to do this, Sam,’ said Rose, quietly. ‘If it muddies the waters between us, I’d much prefer to have someone else fight this particular battle with me. I know what my priorities are.’

  ‘That isn’t an issue. There’s no question of it coming between us. Call this cosmic revenge – a whole global feast of dishes best served cold.’

  ‘Okay, then,’ she said softly. ‘Let’s do it now. Let’s do it to him before he does it to us.’

  At two in the morning Sam indicated his laptop screen, handed Rose the latest printout and said, ‘I agree with you – I think this should be your first offer. Bearing in mind that he wants money now, otherwise he’ll have to wait for four years, or even longer. Tell him Lisa wants to be a doctor. That should soften his cough: four years left at school, and another seven at college? I think he’ll want to look at this.’

  ‘Oh, it can be the first shot across the bows, all right. But don’t forget, I know this man. Nothing’s ever enough for him.’

  ‘Well, this way, with you buying him out, he walks away with between a quarter of a million and three hundred thousand euro, cash, with all his family debts paid, and no hanging around waiting for the house to be sold. With all the equity you have, you could easily borrow that amount.’

  Rose shook her head. ‘I don’t want to. I don’t want that sort of a loan in my fifties. Obviously, I’m glad the house is worth a lot, but one bit of me just can’t help wondering . . . do you know that? One point one million euro for a house that once cost seventy-five thousand pounds? The whole country’s gone mad.’

  ‘Why do you think it’s going to be about more than money for Ben? I’m curious.’

  Rose nodded, slowly. ‘Yes, it might sound strange to you, to someone who’s never known him, but Ben will never agree to my buying him out. It was always his house, his achievement, his pride and joy. He wouldn’t be able to bear the thought of me sitting there, no matter how much it had cost me to buy his share.’

  ‘But legally he can’t force you to sell . . .’

  Rose shook her head impatiently. ‘It’s got nothing to do with legality. Look, he knows I want rid of him; I know he wants his money. What’s stuck in the middle? That bloody house. I’d say he knows I’d sell my soul to see the back of him. Don’t forget, if I know his buttons, he knows mine. We shared a home for twenty years, after all. No, the house will be the sticking point of any negotiation. If he can’t have it, then he’ll make damned sure I can’t have it either.’ Rose stopped. She wanted Sam to understand how this was about her own peace of mind, her sanity, as much as it was about financial security.

  ‘He’ll wear me down, Sam,’ she said quietly. ‘And I’m afraid that he might do it through the kids as well as every other way he can think of. Life’s too short – you said so yourself. I don’t want anything to do with him other than what I have to. I want this closed. I want it settled, my kids settled. Then I can move on, out of his orbit forever. And have him out of mine.’

  ‘Okay,’ said Sam calmly. ‘Let’s run the numbers again, and see what would happen if you did decide to sell the house, as long as you’re absolutely sure that’s what you want.’ He smiled at her. ‘Final answer, as Mr Tarrant would say?’

  She laughed. ‘Final answer, Chris. I am sure. I always have been, ever since this started.’

  Sam looked at her. ‘Okay. There’s certainly an argument to say it would be cleaner, but you’d still have to haggle with him over his portion. Let’s see what happens if we change the percentages a bit. Then you can take all of this to Pauline.’

  ‘Do you know,’ said Rose wistfully, ‘for the last while I’ve been dreaming about somewhere small, somewhere quiet, somewhere where I can close the front door, and say “keep out”. Somewhere I can call my own. Do you know what I mean? It’s just for me and Lisa, really. The boys are up and running. I doubt very much if Brian will want to live at home again, particularly after Paris, and sharing with other lads.’

  Sam looked at her, his expression hang-dog, comical. ‘Would there even be a small corner just for me?’

  Rose leaned forward and kissed him. She knelt up on the sofa and wound both arms around him. ‘Actually,’ she said softly, ‘I’d hoped you might share my corner instead. There’s a bed in it.’ And she kissed him again.

  Sam took her face in his hands. His skin was warm, dry. He rubbed his thumbs gently along her jawline. She leaned into them, and rested her cheeks against his palms. He pulled her closer. ‘Try getting rid of me,’ he whispered into her hair.

  She slept that night curled into Sam’s large frame. One of his arms was draped protectively around her waist. She had never managed to sleep this close to Ben: he had been all awkward angles and restlessness throughout the night.

  She felt that nothing too terrible could be aimed at her from Ben’s corner next week. She should probably be cowering among the domestic sandbags somewhere, fearing imminent attack. But she wasn’t: she felt energized, exhilarated.

  As long as she had Sam, her ex-husband’s artillery could do its worst, and she’d still be ready.

  Pauline raised her hand. ‘Hang on Rose, I know this is all bull – but I want you to listen to what he’s saying, so that you’re ready when you need to respond.’

  ‘Sorry, Pauline. I really thought I’d got over most of the anger, but this . . . this really infuriates me.’

  ‘ “Furthermore,”’ Pauline continued, looking at the pages in front of her, ‘“Mr Holden is most anxious to keep up the visits with his younger son, who will soon be in Paris, and of course, he cannot do so without resources.”’ She flipped through the pages. ‘He now gets really stuck into the Bonne Bouche. He points to the success of your business, emphasizes that you’ve made far more money than he has over the last years and that he needs more time to make full reparation to his family.’

  Rose shook her head in disbelief. ‘Full reparation – who does he think he’s talking to? Given the fact that he’s already lied about maintaining the kids?’

  ‘He thinks he’s talking to a judge.’ Pauline spoke quietly. ‘To the system, which is still adversarial. We’ve talked about this before. If there was any way we could get him to mediation—’ Pauline stopped, seeing the look on Rose’s face.

 
‘Out of the question. He’s already refused, twice. It doesn’t matter what I say; he refuses point blank to go that route. He wants his day in court. And I can see why. If you’re prepared to lie that much, the world can be your oyster. And I cannot believe that I might have to support him just because I made a success of the Bonne Bouche.’ Rose stopped and thought of Sam’s words. Nothing personal, he kept saying. Just think of it as business. That way you don’t need to get angry. Hold onto your energy, channel it, focus on the fight.

  ‘Well, he may get more than he bargains for,’ Pauline said grimly. ‘If Ben wants money now, we can use that as our strongest bargaining tool. I suspect some of his eagerness to go to court is a smokescreen. He’s sabre-rattling. And he’s trying to hurry you up. He calls this an “unconscionable delay”.’

  ‘Does he, now? Well, I have a few sabres of my own. I’m considering digging my heels in and insisting that I couldn’t even contemplate selling the house until Lisa’s either finished school or finished college. Sam suggests that Lisa might like to study medicine. Let’s see how much that pisses her father off.’

  ‘Attagirl. You still working on those scenarios with Sam McCarthy?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Rose and couldn’t help smiling. Nothing could stop her smiling these days when she thought of Sam. She slid one of his blue folders across the desk to Pauline and opened it up. ‘These are the first two offers we’ve come up with. This one here is the smokescreen: the one that doesn’t involve selling the house. And this is the one where I do sell the house, but all Ben’s debts get deducted before he gets the cash he’s waiting for. I don’t expect him to accept either of these. They’re just the opening salvo.’

  ‘Am I missing something, here?’ Pauline was looking at her intently. ‘How come you’re looking so happy all of a sudden?’

  Rose could feel her cheeks begin to grow warm.

  ‘Rose Kelly! I do believe you’re blushing!’

  ‘What am I like, Pauline? At my age!’

  ‘Sam McCarthy?’

  Rose nodded, feeling even more foolish.

  ‘Good for you. I don’t even need to ask if it’s good – I can tell that by just looking at you. How long?’

  ‘Oh, we’re only on the nursery slopes. It seems we’ve been skirting around the issue for some time. Officially, only a few weeks.’

  ‘And who’s counting,’ said Pauline, grinning.

  ‘It makes a change from counting the years after Ben left, and counting the days after he came back. I know it’s very early yet, but it’s good. I’m really happy.’

  ‘All the more reason to wash Mr Holden out of your hair.’

  ‘I’ve more reasons than I could possibly need. I don’t want to make Sam one of them. I’m a bit long in the tooth for that, arranging my life around a man.’

  Pauline smiled at her knowingly. She didn’t comment. ‘I’ll look through these proposals for Ben, and get back to you. Remember, no more conversations in the meantime. I know, I know,’ she said, seeing Rose was about to speak. ‘I know we agreed you should ask him again about mediation. But that’s done now, and he’s refused for the second time. We need to move on.’

  Rose stood up, sorting out her bag and her folder of papers with a briskness she didn’t feel. Time for this to be over. She’d had enough.

  ‘This business with Sam McCarthy: is it love?’ Pauline was teasing her.

  Rose smiled. ‘Well, if it isn’t, it’s not far off it.’

  ‘You deserve it, you know. The last couple of years would have killed a horse. I admire you.’

  Rose looked at her in surprise. She’d never thought of herself as that – as someone to be admired. Survival came naturally, surely, all grim determination and the constant imperative of children. What was to admire? She’d just done what parents most often did: got on with doing their best.

  Nevertheless, Pauline’s words made her feel good about herself. Sam’s love made her feel good about herself. Now all she had to do was get rid of Ben Holden once and for all, and she could then feel impossibly good about herself.

  Lisa stood in the hallway, leaning against the banisters. Rose thought she was on the verge of tears.

  ‘Are you sure you don’t want to come, Lisa? There’s plenty of room.’

  She shook her head. ‘I’m playing tennis with Alison in half an hour. Besides, I don’t want to go.’

  Brian grinned at her. ‘Missin’ someone to fight with already, are you?’

  Her eyes filled suddenly. Brian looked taken aback.

  ‘Ah, Lisa: I’m only teasin’. C’mere. Gimme a hug.’

  She walked over to him and buried her head in his shoulder. He gave her a mighty bear hug, lifting her bodily off the floor. ‘Put me down!’ she protested.

  ‘Only if you say you’ll miss me,’ Brian said, grinning, lifting her higher.

  She squealed, thumping her fists against his shoulders. ‘Okay, okay, I’ll miss you! I’ll miss you! Now put me down!’

  He put her down gently and ruffled her hair. ‘I’ll bring you back somethin’ fashionable from Paris, okay? Don’t forget to write, and have a great time in the Gaeltacht. Keep away from all those spotty boys, ya hear me?’

  She giggled.

  ‘Are you right, Brian? It’s time for us to go.’ Rose had just found the keys to the van.

  ‘Yeah. I’m right.’ He picked up his rucksack off the floor in the hall. ‘Be good, Lisa. See ya at the end of September.’

  ‘See ya. Don’t forget to email me – and send me all your photos!’

  Rose followed her son out to the van. He turned and waved. ‘You’d better email me back!’

  Rose started the engine. Brian looked at his watch.

  ‘Don’t worry,’ she said, smiling. ‘We’re in plenty of time.’

  He nodded. ‘I know that. It’s just that Dad said he’d try and ring before I left.’

  She reversed carefully out of the driveway. ‘Have you got your mobile with you?’

  ‘Yeah. It’s in my pocket.’

  ‘Have you enough credit to call him, just in case, before you take off?’

  ‘Yeah. I got some this morning.’

  There was a silence. Then they both spoke suddenly, at the same time.

  ‘Mum—’

  ‘Brian—’

  They laughed.

  ‘Damien gave me some money last night.’

  ‘Did he?’ said Rose, managing to sound surprised.

  ‘Yeah – he gave me two hundred euro. I couldn’t believe it. An’ it was really nice of him to come over and say goodbye. I wasn’t expecting it.’

  ‘Changed man, your brother,’ said Rose, lightly.

  Brian nodded. ‘Yeah. In all the ways that count. He says that he really likes his new job, too. I said I’d email him from Paris, so he gave me his address.’

  ‘I’m glad. The two of you probably have more in common than you think.’ She glanced over at him.

  He made no comment. ‘When we get to the airport, don’t come in with me, okay?’ he said abruptly. ‘I hate goodbyes.’

  Rose smiled. ‘I won’t. We can say goodbye in the car park.’ She swallowed, taking her time before she spoke again. ‘I’ll miss you.’

  He nodded. ‘Me, too.’

  They drove for sometime without speaking. Rose was reminded of that night along the quays, centuries ago, when they’d driven home together in the shocked silence of Ben’s return.

  ‘Call home and reverse charges if anything happens, if there’s anything that you need; do you hear me?’

  ‘Yeah.’ He grinned. ‘I bet John an’ his mum are having this exact conversation, right this minute.’

  Rose laughed. ‘I bet. Well, here’s the other thing we’ll both say: be careful out there. Mind yourselves. It’s a big city, Paris.’

  Brian shrugged. ‘Can’t be any more dangerous than Dublin.’

  ‘Maybe not,’ she agreed. ‘But in Dublin you grow up knowing the places to avoid. You don’t have that familiarity
with Paris.’

  ‘We’ll be careful.’

  Rose waited another few moments. ‘Brian, is there something else on your mind? Whatever it is, say it. I’m not going to be upset.’

  He shifted uncomfortably in the passenger seat. ‘I wasn’t goin’ to tell you until I got back, but I don’t see the point in keepin’ it from you.’

  ‘Go on,’ she said.

  ‘Well, it’s just that me and John are hopin’ to share a house together in October. You know Alan, John’s older brother?’

  Rose nodded. ‘Yes, I’ve met him once or twice.’

  ‘Well, he kind of caretakes a house for this guy who works in Brussels. Your man is fanatical about his plants and his garden, and Alan does all that stuff, loves it. He’s had two others sharing with him up till now, but they’re both graduating this year. He asked John if the two of us would be interested, ’cos he wants people he knows. It’s really close to the university, and my job will cover the rent. Besides, I’ll be earnin’ really good money, Mum, over the next few months, an’ I intend to save hard.’

  Rose smiled at his earnestness. It was a long speech, for Brian. He’d barely drawn breath. She wondered how long he’d been cherishing that bit of information. She pulled into a space in the airport car park.

  ‘I’m not a bit surprised. You two are as thick as thieves. And it’ll be good for you, time for all of us to move on. Just remember, there’ll always be a room for you, all three of you, no matter where I am. Will you remember that?’

  ‘Sure? I mean, are you sure you don’t mind me movin’ out?’ His relief was palpable.

  Rose grinned at him. ‘And miss all those smelly socks and bits of pizza under your bed? I don’t think so. Fire ahead with your plans – enjoy them. We’ll talk about it again when you come back from Paris. Okay?’

  He nodded eagerly. ‘Yeah, sure, of course. It’s a really nice place Alan’s got: you’ll like it.’

  ‘I’m sure I will.’ She got out of the van and opened the boot for him. He hauled his suitcase out.

  ‘Sure you don’t mind not comin’ in?’

  She shook her head. ‘I hate goodbyes, too. Besides, I’d hate to ruin your street cred.’