I Will Marry George Clooney (By Christmas)

by Tracy Bloom

  ‘Greta?’ said Gina and Little Slaw in unison.

  ‘Didn’t I tell you?’ said Michelle. ‘Daz has a girlfriend.’

  ‘Daz does!’ exclaimed Gina. ‘Like, how?’

  ‘It’s all down to Josie, actually,’ said Michelle. ‘They were driving back through France and Josie said Daz was sending her mad because he just wouldn’t stop talking to her. Anyway, she spotted a woman with a backpack trying to hitch a ride, and Josie demanded they pick her up so Daz could talk at her instead. Turns out she and Daz got on like a house on fire. Apparently it was love at first sight. They’ve been inseparable ever since.’

  ‘So what’s she like?’ asked Gina. ‘Have you met her?

  ‘Daz actually brought her round to meet me,’ said Michelle. ‘It was so embarrassing. They snogged like teenagers on my sofa. She’s twenty-nine and she’s a professional vlogger from Hamburg.’

  ‘What in the name of cowbells is a vlogger?’ asked Gina.

  ‘They showed me.’

  ‘Really?’ said Gina, horrified.

  ‘No, it’s nothing dirty. She has a blog that she posts videos on talking about stuff she’s experienced on her travels. She has over a million followers. Companies are queuing up to pay her to talk about them, apparently.’

  ‘Weird,’ said Gina. ‘And what does she see in Daz, exactly?’

  ‘Her favourite member of One Direction is Liam.’

  ‘Right. I’m getting the picture,’ said Gina, nodding.

  ‘I’ve never seen Daz so happy,’ continued Michelle. ‘She let him do some videos for her blog and now he’s talking about going to South America with her.’

  ‘He’s leaving Malton!’ exclaimed Gina. ‘I could not be happier. Tonight I will hug and kiss Greta like she is my own sister.’

  ‘It is good for Daz,’ said Little Slaw. ‘He go to find George Clooney with you and he find another love.’

  ‘Absolutely,’ Michelle agreed. She was very relieved he had found another love.

  ‘But I regret I cannot come to Josie’s birthday,’ said Little Slaw. ‘I must eat fish with family for tradition on Christmas Eve.’

  ‘Of course,’ said Michelle. ‘I understand. Actually, we’re having Salted Chilli Chicken. Josie and Rob asked for it especially.’

  ‘Well, of course, if Rob asked . . .’ said Little Slaw.

  Michelle couldn’t stop the colour rising to her face. She stared down at the chicken legs rushing past her on the conveyor, feeling Little Slaw’s all-seeing eyes searching her face.

  ‘Such a decent man,’ he prompted.

  She turned her face up to look at Little Slaw and held his gaze for what seemed like an age before she dared let any thoughts out.

  ‘I don’t deserve him,’ she began.

  Little Slaw didn’t respond.

  ‘He’s forgiven me,’ she continued. ‘I certainly don’t deserve that.’

  ‘He lose time with his family. He doesn’t want to lose any more.’

  It was Michelle’s turn not to respond. She couldn’t. Suddenly, very loud music was being played over the decrepit loudspeaker system, deafening all of them. Little Slaw threw a dozen plastic trays in the air in surprise, causing Gina and Michelle to dive for the floor to collect them before RB1 or RB2 bore down on them. As Michelle picked up the last carton on her hands and knees, the music still squealing through the ancient speaker system, she thought the tune seemed familiar. Then someone clearly saw sense and turned the volume down, making the song finally sing loud and true and be totally recognisable.

  Michelle stood up slowly, looking around. Had Mr Evans decided to throw them all a last-minute Christmas party before they all left at lunchtime? She glanced up towards the offices at the top of the steel staircase and nearly fell over. There was Josie.

  ‘Do you recognise it?’ she shouted down at her.

  ‘Of course I bloody do!’ she shouted back. ‘What the hell is going on?’

  Then she heard excited squeals coming from behind her in the packing section and she spun round to see what all the fuss was about.

  And there he was. A man in white, striding towards her. It wasn’t a hygiene overall he was wearing, but full naval uniform, and as he walked purposefully her way, ‘Up Where We Belong’, blasted out through the factory.

  ‘Way to go, Michelle!’ shouted Gina. ‘Way to go!’ she screamed, jumping up and down on the spot.

  And then he was standing right in front of her. She couldn’t stop her stomach from twisting up in knots as Rob, looking breathtakingly handsome, smiled nervously down at her. She gingerly reached up to touch one of the dimples that she’d mercilessly taken the mickey out of all those years ago. She felt him relax slightly then he searched her eyes for a moment before he began to speak.

  ‘I’ve been thinking a lot about what Josie said,’ he began, glancing up briefly to where Josie was watching them. ‘And I think we can all be accused of not doing stuff because Jane died. Not facing up to things.’ He swallowed. ‘It’s time we all stopped making excuses. We need to stop thinking about the reasons why we shouldn’t be together and start thinking about the reasons why we should.’

  He searched her eyes again and she nodded ever so slightly. He nodded back.

  ‘I know I’m not Richard Gere, or George Clooney, for that matter,’ he said. ‘But I wondered if I gave you the film star treatment . . . if I asked you again, would you kiss me?’

  Michelle couldn’t believe what she was hearing.

  ‘I don’t need a film star,’ she said, gazing up at him. ‘You’d have to be an idiot to want to marry a film star when there’s men like you around.’

  His face broke into a smile before he bent and lifted her into his arms then pulled her close for a kiss, whilst Gina could be heard screaming somewhere in the background. They were still kissing as he carried her through the factory, out of the door and into the crisp winter air and the best Christmas Eve ever.

  Epilogue

  In April 2014 rumours first started to emerge that George Clooney had indeed got engaged and could no longer be classed as marriage material. Michelle couldn’t have been happier. She’d have felt bad if he was all alone, especially since she had also just got engaged and was no longer available to him. She sent a congratulations card to his villa in Italy, along with an invite to her and Rob’s wedding, planned for Christmas Eve to coincide with Josie’s seventeenth birthday. She thought it very unlikely he would make it, especially as it was at Christmas. But you never know, do you? It’s got to be worth a try . . . hasn’t it?

  Acknowledgements

  I have no idea where the idea for this book came from. It just kind of appeared amidst many other ideas, and thankfully it was the one both I and my agents Araminta Whitley and Peta Nightingale seized upon as ‘the one’. So thank you for your support in pursuing this story. It’s been a great journey.

  Delivering it into the hands of Jenny Geras of Arrow Books, however, was a nerve-racking experience, and I thank her enormously for her speedy response with the words ‘I loved it!’ Thank you so much for your continued support.

  As always, many other people have grabbed my hand and helped me along during the writing of this book. My writer friends always keep me on track, with a special mention to Jo, Julie, Mel and Sharon. I must also thank the amazing Milly Johnson, who is so generous in her support and advice that she must be the nicest writer on the planet. Also to all the book bloggers, reviewers and readers out there who use their valuable time to talk about books. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.

  Technical support this time came from my parents, in the form of advice on cattle crushes. Who knew there was so much to them?

  I have greatly enjoyed writing this book, because I love the idea of people ignoring the reasons why they can’t achieve something and just going for it anyway. That’s what I did when I started writing, but I found you really need people alongside you who believe you can do it. So thank you, Bruce, Tom and Sally. You spur me on every singl
e day.

  About the Author

  In 2007 Tracy Bloom was kidnapped by her husband to go and live in America for three years. Living with a brand-new baby but without friends and family close-by, she decided her only option was to set about making her dream come true (the one where she writes a book and gets it published, not the one where she marries George Clooney). Her debut romantic comedy novel, No-one Ever Has Sex on a Tuesday, went on to become a bestseller as well as being translated into over a dozen languages. Back in England, the dream continues as she carries on writing books whilst herding two children and a husband around the Derbyshire countryside.

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  Join Tracy Bloom online at tracybloom.com

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  Also by Tracy Bloom

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  “This is a hilarious book that will sweep you up in its sheer brilliance” Erin Woodward, Marie Claire

  Click here to buy No-One Ever Has Sex on a Tuesday

  Single Woman Seeks Revenge

  What do you do when you find your love-life in ruins? Get revenge on every man whoever broke your heart, of course…

  From her childhood sweetheart to the office romeo, disillusioned agony aunt Suzie Miller is on a mission to make her exes feel the way she did after they carelessly cast her aside.

  Fired up by her outrageous revenge plans she starts dishing out some unusual advice and her ‘Dear Suzie’ column becomes a sensation.

  Single and successful, Suzie is finally where she wants to be – that is until a man gets in the way…

  ‘I absolutely loved Single Woman seeks Revenge, it was amazing’ Leah - Girls Love to Read

  Click here to buy Single Woman Seeks Revenge