Witches: Wicked, Wild & Wonderful

by Paula Guran

  Marla whistled. “So you think he’s in a real place?”

  Dr. Husch shook her head. “I think he’s in an imaginary place, which his psychically powerful mind is making real. And if he completes his quest, and breaches the division between reality and the contents of his own mind . . . ” Dr. Husch shrugged. “Giants. Demons. Monsters. All of them could come pouring through my Institute. What if the triple suns of his fantasy world appeared in our sky? The gravitational consequences alone would be unfathomable.”

  “Gotcha,” Marla said. “So you want me to kill him?”

  “I am a doctor,” Husch said severely. “I want to cure him. Bring him back to reality.”

  “I’m not much good at talk therapy,” Marla said. “I’m more of a punch-therapy girl.”

  “My orderlies are capable of checking Mr. Barrow’s vital signs,” Husch said, choosing to ignore Marla. “As you may know, they are not human, but homunculi, artificial beings of limited intelligence.”

  “I bet the poor bastards don’t even make minimum wage,” Marla said.

  “The sorcerers who fund the Institute don’t pay me enough to hire employees,” Husch said. “So I have to grow them in the basement, in vats. But they get all the lavender seeds and earthworms they can eat. At any rate, the orderlies can go into the room and check on Barrow, being mindless, but no human can go near him, not safely. Anyone who enters that room—who comes into contact with the author’s psychic field—is pulled into Barrow’s delusional world. His brother visited once, and we had to bury the poor man out back. Barrow attempts to incorporate anyone who enters his world into his storyline, and let’s just say he enjoys slaying the villains they become.”

  Marla stared at her. “So you want me to go in that room, and get sucked into his fantasy world, and . . . cure him? Like, make him realize his world is imaginary?”

  Husch shook her head. “I doubt you could convince him. He’s been the hero of that world for years. It’s more real to him than this world ever was. No, I want you to go into his fantasy world, and make sure his quest fails. I want you to be a villain he can’t defeat. One theme recurs constantly in his speech—his destiny. He is destined to win the Key of Totality, it seems. His fate has been ordained. He’s been chosen by the gods. He thinks he’s invincible, unstoppable, and right. If you defeat him, I think it might be the shock his system needs—a failure, after years of nothing but success, could force him to question his awful certainty. If you can jostle him out of his comfortable place in that world, I might be able to reach him, and bring him back to this reality.”

  “Huh,” Marla said. “Why me, though? Why not one of the bigtime psychics?”

  “I only know of one psychic more powerful than Barrow,” Husch said. “And she’s comatose, too, mentally traumatized and locked up in another room at the Institute. I don’t need a psychic, I need a pragmatist, a tactician, a fighter—someone who never backs down, never gives up, and never stops. You have a reputation among the sorcerers who fund this Institute. They say you are a formidable operative, and you don’t know the meaning of the word ‘failure.’ ”

  “Yeah, I must’ve skipped school the day they taught us that one. It probably doesn’t hurt that I’m an independent operator, and nobody will get too upset if you have to bury me out back, too, huh?”

  “It was a factor,” Husch said. “And the fact that you possess a cloak enchanted with battle magics also helps. But mostly, it’s because of your will. Everyone says you’re pigheaded in the extreme—that an almost complete lack of magical aptitude hasn’t stopped you from becoming a formidable sorcerer, because you want it badly enough. That gives me hope that you might be able to stand up to the force of Barrow’s vision.”

  “And if I can’t—what, do I get stuck there, in half-assed Narnia?”

  “If you have not accomplished your goal by morning, or if you show any signs of distress, I will have one of the orderlies drag you out of Barrow’s sphere of influence. Just be sure to mention if you’re about to be murdered, hmm? I should hear your ‘dialogue’ as well as Barrow’s.”

  “All right,” Marla said. “It’s a deal. Assuming you can pay my price?”

  “I was told you don’t want money . . . ”

  “Don’t need money. My price is you telling me a secret, and teaching me a trick.”

  “That is acceptable,” Dr. Husch said.

  “All right,” Marla said, and grinned. “I always wanted to be a villain.”

  Barrow of Ulthar wedged the butt of his great spear Ghostreaper into the stony soil of the Plains of Lengue and peered up at the towering heights of the Citadel of Bleeding Glass. He had been born only two leagues from this place, in the kingless kingdom of Ulthar, and his life’s journey had taken him across the great seas of the world, through the haunted forests, beneath the stony earth, only to return him here, to the Citadel that had shadowed his boyhood village—the dread fortress he was finally hero enough to brave. The cyclical nature of his journey was further proof he was walking the inescapable path of fate. “My destiny awaits within, Lector,” Ulthar rumbled. “Do you have any final advice? What dangers will we face within?”

  Lector, the Living Book, was bound onto Barrow’s back by chains of silver, iron, and bronze. The mouth gouged into the book’s wooden cover spoke in a voice of riffling pages: “There are three Gates: a Gate of Knives, a Gate of Light, and a Gate of Wind. Pass through those, and you will confront the dread Chasm of Flies, which no living man or woman has ever crossed. The Key of Totality awaits, but first you must confront the guardian—”

  “What, you’re not going to mention me? I’m not enough of a danger for you?”

  Barrow crouched, readying his spear. A woman sauntered around one of the skull-shaped boulders—the fossilized remains of giants who’d fallen to the Lengue Fever millennia before—and grinned. She was young, though not especially pretty, and she wore a cloak of rich purple, which shifted like a living shadow around her, as if possessed by its own dark intelligence. “Lector, is this one of the dread witches of the North?”

  Before the book could speak, the woman laughed—not a girlish laugh, but a harsh and grating sound. “Nah, I’m from the east coast, Barrow.”

  The east coast of the Sea of Surcease was home only to the wretched Mirror City, populated by the living reflections of those poor unfortunates who died and subsequently had their mortal remains reflected in glass, their souls reversed into evil and decadence, trapped in mirrored form on this mortal plane. “Mirror witch,” Barrow said, raising his spear.

  “She is no reflected spirit,” Lector said. “She is mortal, but . . . I do not . . . she is not in my index. I do not see her among my manifests. I do not understand—“

  “Do you mean to hinder my quest, witch?” Barrow bellowed.

  She clapped her hands. “You got it in one, Barrow-boy! Hindering’s my business. Right up there with usurping and frustrating. I have to tell you, you look a lot better on this side. A tad rugged for my taste, I mean, your muscles have muscles, and personally, I like my boys a little leaner—but you’re not the dried-up white-haired husk you should be. That’s some sweet black magic you’ve got going on.”

  Barrow frowned. “I—I have sipped of the waters of the Vital Sea, but not from vanity. Only to restore my strength. My quest has taken longer than the three score years allotted to every man, but it was no foul magic—the Green Goddess herself blessed my undertaking—“

  “I can hear you capitalizing things. It’s really irritating. So this Key we’re looking for is up there in that ugly castle, huh? Who’d build a fortress out of volcanic glass? I mean, it’s impressive, but it’s not practical. See you inside?”

  “The Key is mine to win,” Barrow said. “Be you Mirror Witch or Northern Witch or Graveworm Witch—“

  “Always some kind of witch with you, isn’t it? Maybe I’m a barbarian warrior like you.”

  “I am not a barbarian,” Barrow said, with great dignity, “though some ca
ll me such. It is only that the customs of my village differ from those elsewhere in the world—”

  “Those fur boots and the snakeskin pants tell a different story, but whatever. There’s a Chasm and a Key and all that good shit waiting for us. Race you.”

  “No,” Barrow said. “We will finish this here. I wield the enchanted spear Ghostreaper. It is a fell instrument, but if you do not stand aside, I will have no choice but to turn its dark magics against you.”

  “Knock yourself out,” the witch said.

  “Tell her what fate awaits her, Lector,” Barrow said. “I do not believe she understands what I hold in my hands.”

  “The spear Ghostreaper is tipped with the fang from a murdered god of death,” the book said, voice carrying over the cool stillness of the plain, despite the whispered timbre. “When the spear strikes its victim, it does not pierce flesh—it snags the soul, tearing the spirit loose while leaving the body a mindless, empty husk. The soul dissolves like fog in the sun, denied any afterlife. This spear brings the death of all deaths, and the empty bodies left behind are pressed into service to follow the spear’s wielder, an army of the walking dead.”

  “I don’t see any zombie horde,” the witch said. “Are they hiding behind one of these head-bones?” She kicked the gray stone skull of a giant.

  “They were all lost in the crossing through the Lightning Peaks,” Barrow said. “And I was not sorry to see them go—their silent shuffling is a grim reminder of the dark acts even a hero must undertake to meet his destiny. I would not add your body, however comely it might be, to my retinue. Please, stand aside, or I will have no choice but to thrust my spear at you.”

  “Ha. Thrust away, then. Good luck ripping out my soul. I think mind-body dualism is bullshit.”

  Barrow lowered his head briefly, sorrowful but determined, then stepped forward, driving the hungering spear forward.

  The witch moved one way—and her cloak moved the other, lifting from her shoulders and taking wing. It was no cloak at all, but a living thing, a creature of hungry shadow, and from within its shroudlike form a dozen red eyes blinked. The cloak flew at Barrow’s face, and he gasped, trying to turn his spear thrust against it. The witch stepped in close to him and chopped at his arm with her hand, an expert blow that struck his nerves and made the arm go limp. The point of the spear dropped to the ground, and the witch—

  The witch stomped on the spear’s shaft, snapping it cleanly down close to the spearhead. The hero stood, stunned, looking at the shattered weapon. “The point might be a god’s tooth,” she whispered in Barrow’s ear, “but the shaft’s just a piece of wood. Shoddy work.”

  Barrow knelt to grab the spearhead, but the cloak wrapped its tendrils around his arms and dragged him back. While he struggled against the cloak’s soft but unyielding grip, the witch picked up the spearhead, plucked a feather from a pouch at her belt, and swiftly tied the feather around the spear point with a strand of her own hair. She murmured a brief spell of some kind, opened her hand, and the spearhead rose up, up, up into the sky. “Bye, bye, birdie,” she said. “That’ll just keep flying until it hits the—well, one of the three suns up there. Excessive. You’d think with three suns it’d be warmer.”

  Barrow cried out, and called on the might of his totems—the bear who’d given its fur for his boots, the great serpent who’d given him the skin for his leggings, the wolf who’d provided the leather for his chest-harness. The power of the animals surged through him, and he tore the cloak, ripping great shreds in its fabric. The cloak fluttered away from him, the rends in its body healing instantly as it lowered back onto the witch’s shoulders.

  “Huh,” she said. “I always thought this cloak had a mind of its own.”

  “You consort with demons!” Barrow shouted, still thrumming with animal energies.

  “What, you heard about the incubus? I wouldn’t call it ‘consorting,’ exactly, it was one of those things where we were kind of using each other—”

  Barrow roared and lunged for her, but she somersaulted away from him. Such acrobatics should have been impossible in a long trailing cloak, but her demonic garment moved out of her way as she rolled. Instead of turning to face him in battle, she ran, covering ground in great strides, without even looking back.

  “Coward!” he bellowed. “Face me!”

  “She’s going to the Citadel,” Lector whispered from his back. “She’s going to get there first.”

  “Fuck me,” Barrow of Ulthar said, and ran after her.

  The highest towers of the Citadel of Bleeding Glass were jagged onyx, their spires piercing the soft blue belly of the great slumbering sky-goddess, her divine blood running down the fortress’s walls to pool on the ground, where malign flowers sprang from the combination of cursed soil watered by divine essence. Barrow thundered up the hill toward the gate, the tall red-petaled flowers turning their heads to watch his approach. Lector jostled hard against his back, and the hero felt every ache and pain of his long journey. The spear Ghostreaper must have lent him magical strength, or else the effects of his last visit to the Vital Sea were beginning to fade—he felt tired, at a time when he should be thrumming with power on the cusp of triumph.

  The witch was dozens of yards ahead, and the flowers lifted their viney tendrils to block her approach. She shouted out a strange word, presumably an incantation of power—“Deadhead!”—and fireballs bloomed from her outstretched hands, searing the plants and making them scream. The unique stink of charred goddess blood filled the air: the mingled scents of burning sugar and opened entrails. The witch ran through the arching gateway and into the darkness within. No gate or guards prevented entry to the Citadel, for this place did not discourage visitors: it welcomed them, as the lion welcomes its prey.

  Barrow hesitated on the threshold, even his legendarily keen eyes unable to pierce the darkness within. “Lector, you must give me counsel. Who is this new foe, and how may I defeat her?”

  The Living Book was Barrow’s greatest weapon, for it knew all the secrets of the world, and would reveal any mystery . . . if Barrow could only compose the proper question.

  “The woman is not mentioned in my codexes or concordances,” Lector said. “I cannot tell you how to defeat her.”

  The hero’s heart lurched in his chest. Lector knew the weaknesses of every man and god and beast that had ever lived, or had a semblance of life, and that wisdom had aided most of Barrow’s triumphs. “But . . . you know all the truths of the world . . . ” Barrow paused. “Do you mean she is . . . from outside this world? From another place, some realm of demons? That would explain why she, too, seeks the Key of Totality—perhaps she wants only to return to her rightful home. Witch!” he shouted. “We need not fight! I will gladly open the door to your homeworld, once I have recovered the key!”

  She did not answer. Barrow steeled himself for further battle, and stepped through the towering arch.

  The darkness within the gate was actually solid, a membrane like the scum on pond water, clammy and vile, but he was through in a moment, wiping ectoplasmic residue from his eyes and looking around for the next inevitable threat. He stood in a vast and gloomy hall filled with jagged columns, not unlike the Temple of the Bile-God in far Paradyll, but vaster by magnitudes. The columns glowed with a reddish inner light.

  Something fluttered down from the ceiling toward him, and Barrow drew his hand axe. This was no magical weapon—but well-honed steel and a comfortable grip had a magic of its own. The fluttering thing was the witch’s cloak, its red eyes gleaming, its purple-shadowed tendrils reaching out for him. He danced back as it tried to strike him, his axe flashing and tearing a long rent in the cloak’s body. But where was the witch—

  Something wrenched at his back, and he howled as the fine chains cut into his flesh, and the weight of Lector left his back. He spun, but the cloak tried to strangle him, and by the time he’d hacked its tendrils free and sent it fluttering back toward the ceiling, the witch was halfway up a column, perched
on an outcropping as casually as Barrow might sit on a fallen log, Lector held open in her lap as she flipped the pages. “So what’s the deal with the bleeding sky?” she said.

  Before Barrow could curse her, Lector answered—as he would answer any question posed by his holder. “The Citadel is made of eldritch glass, sharp enough to cut even the divine, and so it pierces the belly of the great sky goddess.”

  “Wait. The sky is somebody’s stomach? That’s . . . it’s . . . what?”

  “Everyone knows of the goddess,” Barrow shouted. “The triple suns are the jewels in her navel! The rains are her sweat! She lays close to her lover, the goddess of the Earth, but they can never touch, for the sins of man keep them forever separated!”

  “Sorry, I’m not from around here.”

  “I know that,” Barrow said, and held up his hands in a placating gesture. “Witch—no, warrior—you have proven yourself my equal.”

  “Equal? Don’t flatter yourself. The clothes off my back can kick your ass.”

  Barrow pushed down the rage that seethed within him. “Though you cast away my spear, and stole my book and bosom companion, I would still be your friend. We stand a better chance of winning our way through the Citadel together—”

  “You don’t get it, Barrel-of-laughs,” she said. “You’re done. Your part of this story is over. Do I have to take away your snake pants next? Leave you naked and tied up for the flowers outside to eat?”

  “I have a destiny,” Barrow began.

  “Well I don’t. But I have a job to do, and that job is keeping you from getting the Key. You’re not the hero here. Let me show you something, this chasm thing.”

  “The Chasm of Flies? But before we can reach that, there are three gates—”

  “The Gates are no more,” Lector said. “The outsider witch has destroyed them.”

  Barrow shook his head. “The Gate of Knives? The Gate of Wind? The Gate of Light?”

  “Sure,” the witch said. “Charm of rust, spell of stillness, tincture of darkness. It’s taken me longer to get through airport security than it did for me to rip through those gates. The magic here, seriously, it’s weakass shit, and I beat things up for a living. But, anyway, this chasm.” She dropped from the column, and Barrow roared and lunged at her, axe in hand.