Phwoar and Peace

by Andie M. Long

  “Thanks. I’m sure I will. Being here has been a delightful start to it.” He left his drink and the coffee shop.

  “What was that all about?” Jax asked me as I took a seat at the table.

  “I have no idea but I’d hazard a guess that my mum has forced him to come because he didn’t exactly exude remorse for his previous behaviour. Typical that Polly wasn’t here. She’s related by blood, she should have to put up with him.” I took a large swig of the coffee placed in front of me. “I need this more than ever today. In fact I could do with a spa day. I’m bloody fed up and could do with a complete day off from everything. My brain needs a holiday.”

  “I’ll come with you but only if you sign a statement guaranteeing you waxed.” Samara told me. She crinkled her nose as if there was a bad smell under it.

  “Is this to do with my daughter? Kim said you’d been doing maintenance.”

  “Oh no.” Samara waved a hand. “She was fine. No, we had a team building day for Humber and the East yesterday, and oh my fucking god, we gathered around the table supposedly to eat a healthy lunch after being in the sauna, and Rebecca from Hornsea realised she needed glasses.

  My brow furrowed. “What has someone’s eyesight got to do with waxing?”

  “She didn’t realise she’d missed trimming most of her pubes. There they were on display out of both sides of her swimsuit, and lo and behold they’d put black seaweed on the table as part of the lunch. I felt like I was eating her bush.” She made a gagging impression. “Anyway, I may have asked her to close her legs and it may have drawn everyone’s attention to it. Basically, she swore revenge on me. Said I was a fake and a cheat, that I was helped by the dating agency, and she would draw attention to my failings as I had hers. I don’t know why she was so upset. I was the one who had to endure my eyeballs being assaulted. So anyway, I’ll go with you because obviously I tensed up after seeing that, so I could do with another sesh.”

  “And what did you say to her threats?” Jax asked.

  “I told her to shut her mouth… and her legs.”

  “I think I’ll take a raincheck on the spa day for now. Just until we know Withernsea is free from the risk of war.” I said, as it didn’t sound like it was going to be much of a relaxing experience if I took Samara with me.

  At that point the door opened and Ebony came in.

  “Sorry, I’m a little late. Had a customer.”

  “Oh yeah, did you give them what they wanted, Eb? Fulfil that customers every desire.” Samara winked. “Did you have a brush with fate? Are you free of white ‘paint’ splatters?”

  “It was a real customer and turn your phone off because I saw in a vision that Kim would call you and feed you these very lines to me.”

  Samara rolled her eyes and pressed the speakerphone on. “She rumbled you, babe.”

  “That bloody seer.”

  “Why have you got Samara being your ventriloquist’s dummy?” I shouted near the phone.

  “Because I wanted to be with you guys, but I couldn’t get away today. My pussy is so sore.” The other customers in the coffee shop’s heads swiveled around at super speed. “Take her off loudspeaker.” I waved at Samara. “Then pass me the phone.”

  “Kim. You are on maternity leave. Now be with your babies. I’m ending the call.” I placed the phone face down on the table. “Okay, can we finally get to talking about some business? What’s everyone got coming up?”

  “I need a replacement for Charlie in the boutique so I’m going to ask Alyssa. She assisted Charlie while I was on honeymoon. Do you think Charlie would be offended that I sacked her and took on her friend?”

  I sighed. “Charlie has a lot to get used to. It’s going to be a tricky time for her. No, I’d hope she’d be happy for her friend.”

  “Did I hear Lys might be working next door?” Bartholomew had wandered over.

  “I’ve not asked her yet, so I’d appreciate it if you could not mention what you just overheard.” Ebony told him with a look that could have cut glass. “You will learn. Alyssa is a warrior. She needs a man who can support her strengths. You are not worthy.” She said in the strange ‘voice from the fates’ tone she got occasionally.

  His mouth dropped open.

  “Ooh, sorry about that. Wasn’t expecting it.” Ebony apologised as if she’d accidently burped, not blurted out seer stuff.

  “We’ve got customers, Bartholomew. If you wouldn’t mind serving them while I’m over here.” 'Like I pay you to', Jax muttered under her breath.

  “Trouble?” I asked her.

  She sighed. “Not really, but first I’ve had Alyssa hanging around the shop and now he’s mooning around wondering if she’s getting a job next door. He’s here to work, not to sort out his dating life. The agency is upstairs.”

  “Just you remember that before you got together with Tristan, you employed Bartholomew because he was hot.”

  She stuck her tongue out at me. “Fair point well made. Now stick this in your mouth.” She shoved a chocolate doughnut in my direction. I intercepted it and begrudgingly put it back on the plate for a moment.

  “Now, there’s something I want to talk to you all about while a certain someone is in the office.”

  The others gave me their attention.

  “If you aren’t aware of it yet, Lucy and Frankie married while they were on their travels.” I waited for their expressions to register shock at my gossip.

  No one looked surprised.

  “You all knew?”

  “Saw it in a vision.” Ebony said.

  “Well, I think we need a celebration to cheer us all up and take our mind off possible upcoming events, so I thought we’d throw them a wedding reception. I thought a week on Friday? Could we hold it here, Jax? Just invite a few people who they know well?”

  “Yes, of course. I’ll do a buffet for it.” Jax smiled.

  “I’ll trim the place up.” Samara added. “With lots of hearts and flowers.”

  “I’ll offer the bride the chance to choose a dress for the reception.” Ebony said.

  “I’ll get Maisie to let me into their house so I can decorate their bedroom with rose petals for when they get home.” I added.

  “Does Lucy know you’re doing this?” Jax asked.

  “Yes. She’s finally come around to the idea. The words ‘present list’ worked amazingly.”

  “And where is this present list? On Amazon?”

  “Yes, check out the wish list under HotStuffWithernsea.”

  Jax keyed it into her mobile phone. “There are only Tom Hardy DVDs on her list.”

  “She said I can borrow them so I had no objections to buying her a couple.” I said.

  “Well, if she’s sharing, I’ll buy her a couple too.” Added Jax.

  “We might have to change the name of this group to the ‘Tom Hardy Appreciation Society’, I joked. I saw Jax’s face fall. God, she was sensitive.

  “I’m joking. Our name is brilliant.” I reassured her. “Okay, I’d better get some work done. We’re off to see the Duke tonight for Charlie to become Queen of Wyvern Sea.”

  Ebony sniggered.

  “What?” I asked her. “Have you seen something?”

  “Might have.” She said and she wouldn’t tell me anything else.

  And she called herself my friend!

  Charlie

  I’d enjoyed a quiet day yesterday recovering from my hangover and finishing up with a gorgeous chip supper seeing as the night before's had been scuppered by jealous women. Today, seeing as I no longer had a job at Ebony’s boutique, I decided to have a pamper day and slowly get ready for my under the sea coronation and the fact that afterward I would meet Kai. We were going to have a meal at his place. Oh my! Would tonight be the night?

  To say I was nervous was an understatement. I wasn’t convinced that an education from Pornhub was the way to go and so last night I’d gone on some forums on the internet for advice. I’d ended up reading several horror stories about broken penises
and now I wasn’t sure I’d be able to relax enough to do anything. Anyway, I was getting ahead of myself. We’d not even had a date yet.

  By the time my mum came home from work and my dad had got up from his vampire slumber, I was polished and preened within an inch of my life. I’d painted my nails in a range of pastel metallics: pink, blue, green; and my hair was tied back in a plait. I knew part of the ceremony was dumping seawater on my head so I’d figured a plait would ensure I stayed tidy after a soaking.

  I stared at myself in the mirror in the hallway before we left. This was the final stage in preparation. I’d be Queen Charlene of Wyvern Sea when I returned.

  “Are you okay, Charlie?” My mum came up behind me.

  “Yeah. Let’s go.”

  We were picked up at the beach as usual. My dad had insisted that Grandad Dylan and Grandma Margret come as they could help if there were any problems. Then strangely we were also accompanied by Debbie and Mark, my other 'grandparents', who had insisted to Shelley over the telephone that they wanted to be involved as they were so proud. Yeah, right. I knew Debbie was trying to make amends for the past but it all seemed too little, too late. However, because Polly and Drake would be there and so they could visit them too, Mum hadn’t felt able to say no. My dad’s mother, Mary, was currently in a sulk as she couldn’t travel underwater as a ghost.

  Mark and Debbie held onto each other tightly as the boat sped under the sand and when we reappeared next to the Duke’s home he had his hand on her butt. They’d been touchy feely since we’d met them at the beach and it was making me a little nauseous.

  My mum was carrying her crown in a box. On land it looked rusted, but under the water it sparkled with its gemstones. She placed it on her head before descending and we exited the boat. Duke Brishon stood outside his home, dressed in a silver shellsuit, that clung around his large belly and ceremonial gold chains around his neck. He looked like a pimp. Mum acknowledged the Duke’s bow with a nod of her own head.

  “Welcome, Your Highness, and guests. Please come inside where we shall perform the ceremony and have some refreshments. I felt the town hall would be a little too formal, for are we not almost family now?” He nodded towards Drake and Polly who came running from the living room out into the hallway to greet us.

  “Hey, sis, niece.” Polly smiled a huge beaming smile. Then again she’d won her man on Friday and had no doubt been celebrating ever since so she could be forgiven her smug look. Then the smile disappeared as she saw our extra guests. “Oh, Mum and Dad. This is a surprise.”

  “We would have called but we preferred to catch you unawares. Surprise you. More fun that way, eh, sweetie?” said Mark. No way was I calling him grandad.

  “We thought you could give us a tour of your new home and of course we’re here to celebrate. It’s not every day your grandaughter becomes Queen is it?” Debbie said.

  “Your own daughter was Queen, you didn’t seem to care then?” Polly shot out.

  “Yes, yes. We made many mistakes and we apologise, and are determined to do our best to atone for them. We were very proud of you too, Shelley.” Debbie added.

  Mark’s eyes took in everything around him. Like he was imprinting it in his mind. I didn’t trust him. The guy had threatened to go to the press just days ago and now mum had let him come underwater? I would mention it later, but for now, I needed this ceremony over with so I could meet Kai.

  After a drink and some canapes, we made our way out onto the Duke’s rear patio.

  “Please tell me that this time I don’t get covered in dirty seawater.” My mum said.

  “No. No.” The Duke said.

  Mum’s shoulders visibly relaxed.

  “No, you have to be coated in fish excrement for the handover.”

  “I beg your pardon, but did you just say fish shit?” My mum spat out. “Because that’s not happening.”

  The Duke shrugged. “Without it the handover cannot take place. You’ll just have to stay Queen then.”

  Mum looked to the heavens and then at Drake. “Is this true, Drake, and not something your father’s made up in retaliation for us stopping the wedding on Friday?”

  “Queen, you wound me. And while I will enjoy every minute, I swear it is part of the ritual. It does have skin firming properties. Alas these-”

  “Let me guess, can only be seen under the water, or they’d be pilfered by those above.”

  “My Queen, you have learned our ways, just before you leave your post. You shall be a good advisor to your daughter. Now shall we?” He pointed to the arbor erected on the patio.

  And so we all watched as my mum was smeared all over her face and neck in a dark paste.

  “Dear God, even magic does not smell this bad.” My dad said, earning himself a death glare from my mum.

  “I now dissolve you of your position as Queen.” Duke Brishon told her removing her crown and passing it to Drake to hold. “Princess Charlene, if you could step forward.”

  I stood under the arbor desperately trying to hold my breath.

  “Okay, please kneel.”

  I did as asked. In the end I’d decided to dress in a plain grey trouser suit with a black top. I figured it would hide most of the marks from dirty seawater.

  “In front of these gathered witnesses, I bestow upon Charlene Kimberly Landry the rule of Wyvern Sea. I grant her access to the waters, and safe passage to her and anyone she may choose to travel alongside her to visit us in the future. All of the sea bows to thee, our new Queen. Do you accept this position? If so, please accept now in front of these witnesses.”

  This was it. “I accept the position of Queen of Wyvern Sea.”

  Drake placed the jewelled crown upon my head and Brishon told me to stand. “The people of the sea will wish to pledge their allegiance to you, so if you could come with me and stand outside my home.”

  I followed him back through his doorway to be greeted by a myriad of different sea creatures who bowed in front of me before swimming away.

  Finally, Brishon held in front of me a golden box covered in pictures of fish. I knew what was coming. The dirty seawater. I’d seen it at our house when Mum had been made the queen. Brishon opened the box and threw the contents at me. Fish shaped pink confetti floated out over me.

  “What the actual fuck?” Mum shouted. “Where’s the dirty seawater?”

  Brishon shrugged. “It only takes on that appearance outside of the sea. Under the water it is confetti.”

  “But I still had to be coated in fish shit? What happens if Charlie is no longer queen? Will she get coated in fish shit or will it have changed to Creme De La Mer by then? I’m going to find a bathroom.” She stomped off in a huff. Anyone would have thought she wanted me to be coated in crap!

  “And that concludes the ceremony. Let us applaud Queen Charlene of Wyvern Sea.”

  The people around us clapped, and my father took me in his arms and gave me a huge hug. “Daughter, I am very proud of you. I will shortly gather all your relatives and take them back to land. I would guess you are staying awhile?”

  He nodded over to a few hundred feet away, where Kai stood waiting for me.

  “I know you find it hard, Dad, but thank you.”

  He sighed. “Can you find other words than hard when talking about boyfriends, Charlie? And believe me when I tell you it is taking considerable inner strength to not walk over to him and threaten him within an inch of his life.”

  I laughed. “I think Kai is already crystal clear on that one. Now take Mum home, get her washed up, praise her youthful looks and take her out to dinner because otherwise she is going to turn from stinking smell wise, to being in a stinker of a mood.”

  “Already made the booking at Hanif’s. See you later… Queen.” He bowed, smiled, and moved away.

  Leaving me with Kai.

  Charlie

  My eyes met Kai’s beautiful green gaze and the rest of the sea ceased to exist. I looked him over, drinking him in. He’d cut his red hair, and it wa
s now short at the sides and longer on top. My fingers ached to run through it. His merman tail swished showing a myriad of iridescent scales in shades of blue and green. His pale torso was ripped and toned. Holy moly. I felt like I was going to collapse at the knees at any moment. He swam towards me.

  “Charlie. Well, you were lovely before, but now I can’t sum up how beautiful you look tonight.” He tipped his head. “The crown suits you.”

  My hands shot up to it. “Oh yes, my crown. I’d totally forgotten.” I giggled nervously. “Shall I take it off?”

  “No, you are Queen of the sea. I will take you to my home and we shall store it safely while we eat. There would be many under the water who would like it as an ornament in their home, so always wear it. It cannot be stolen from your head. Watch.”

  He leaned over to try to take it but it wouldn’t move. A beaming smile came over his face. “See. Magic.”

  His hand fell down to my face and grazed my cheek. I shivered under his touch.

  “Shall we go?” He said, and I nodded.

  He held out his hand. I took it and then we were on our way through the water, though under the sea you could not feel its presence, you just knew it was there. His tail wiggled as we moved through the water and I made the most of our hands being entwined. We approached a small stone cottage, and he dropped down to the sand floor where his tail became legs, clad as usual in sparkly scale-patterned leggings that belonged in a 1970’s disco. We were going to have to do something about his wardrobe choices for when he came ashore. Maybe it was time Ebony expanded into a small line of menswear? I laughed to myself. I bet he was thinking the same thing about my own wardrobe choices, wondering how he could gently tell me I needed a seashell bikini.

  “What’s funny?”

  “I was just wondering what I should be wearing underwater, like a seashell bikini or something.”

  The charge between us picked up in voltage. We were about to fry the sea if we didn’t calm things down a little. We weren’t even through his doorway yet.