Lighter

by Gia Riley

  “Fuck. I had no idea. Can you go check on her for me? She didn’t mention whether we’re still going to the movie tonight, but I don’t want to push her if she’s not up to it.”

  Cara reaches up and gives me a hug. For the first time, I’m thankful my sister is here to help me out. If anyone can get Sophie talking again, it’s her. “Don’t take it personal. She’s working though some pretty tough emotions from the sound of it. I hope one day she’ll have the courage to tell you what she told me. But until then, I’ll go talk to her and have her call you. Was her head hurting? Is that why she got sick?”

  “Your guess is as good as mine. I tried to help her, but she wouldn’t let me. She didn’t even let me touch her.” Cara closes her eyes and exhales. When she opens them, she looks pained. There’s more to this story and I’m pissed she knows something I most likely should.

  “Maybe she needs a moment to get her shit together. Throwing up in front a guy you like isn’t exactly a magical moment, Kippy.”

  “I guess not.” Hanging my head, I press the elevator button again instead of checking on Sophie. I’ll let my sister handle it because I’m not willing to completely ruin whatever I started with Sophie this afternoon. Hopefully she just needs a little girl talk to feel better.

  “Don’t sweat it dude, chicks are fucking crazy.” Laughing at Drew, I nod my head in agreement as the elevator doors close. I’ve yet to meet one who doesn’t make my head spin. There’s no way I was imagining the kiss we shared earlier today. She wanted me as much as I wanted her. I felt it.

  Once outside, I sit on the wooden bench by the basketball courts and watch a game of four on four. Thankfully it’s shaded so I’m not sweating my ass off in the sun. I catch myself glancing at my phone every five seconds, waiting for it to chime with positive news from Cara. Maybe no news is good news right now.

  When I look up at their window, the blinds are pulled back on the right side. Sophie’s peeking around them staring directly at me. Unsure if she sees me looking back, I shield my squinted eyes from the sun. Before I can get a better look, she’s gone.

  Agitated, I can’t sit still. Shifting around on the uncomfortable bench, I fail miserably at any attempt to relax. The game ends half an hour later, but I don’t even know who won. My mind’s been solely focused on Sophie. Finally, my phone vibrates with an incoming text.

  Cara: She was upset. Calmed her down.

  Kipton: I need to see her.

  Cara: I’m not sure that’s a good idea. She’s embarrassed for being rude to you.

  Kipton: I’m coming up.

  Cara: I figured you would.

  Racing inside the building, I take the stairs two at a time before Sophie realizes I’m on my way up to see her. By the third flight, I’m thankful she doesn’t live any higher up in the building. My lungs are fighting for some much needed oxygen. Winded but determined to get to their room as fast as I can, I muscle through the last flight.

  I knock softly on the door, careful not to startle Sophie if her head’s hurting. Cara lets me in. The lights are off and there’s music playing from her laptop. She stands on her tip toes to whisper in my ear, “I’ll be in Drew’s room. Come over if you need anything.”

  “I will.” I’m solely focused on Sophie lying in her bed. She’s facing the wall and can’t see me yet, but when she inches up the blankets, I know she senses my presence. Afraid to say the wrong thing, I don’t say anything until my knee cracks loudly when I crouch down next to her. She flinches but doesn’t turn to look at me. “Sophie, can we talk?”

  Without moving, she responds, “About what?”

  Needing to touch her in some way, I run my fingers up and down the arm that’s clenching her blanket tightly to her chest. I’m thankful when she doesn’t object. “About us.” I probably sound like a fucking woman asking to discuss my feelings and shit. This is all new to me and although it’s been a struggle so far, I don’t want to give up.

  “What about us, Kipton?” Her voice is laced with emotion and I get the impression she’s trying not to cry right now. I knew she felt something earlier and now she confirmed it whether she realizes it or not.

  “For starters I need to know what happened to the girl I was kissing this afternoon. The one that’s always on my mind.” She sighs and all I want is for her to roll over and look me in the eye.

  “Kipton, I told you there’s no time for a relationship in my life—I don’t do them. What we did was fun and I enjoyed it. But it doesn’t change anything. In a few days, I’ll be back in the gym full-time. That’s my real life. Not this.”

  “What if I need whatever this is?”

  “I don’t know, Kipton.”

  “You’re really choosing gymnastics?” It’s meant as more of a statement than a question. She has a passion that I’m not about to come between, but she could make time for both if she wanted to.

  “I have to,” she responds quickly.

  “But you don’t want to?”

  Finally rolling over, the tears in her eyes can’t be mistaken. Gone is her hard demeanor, instead replaced with the sweet Sophie I’ve been unable to get out of my mind. “I’m no good for you, Kipton.”

  That’s where she’s wrong. “You’re perfect, Sophie. I’ve never craved anyone the way I crave you.” She has the same look in her eye my sister did out in the hallway. But I don’t know why.

  “I don’t want to be anyone’s toy. I’ve lived that life and I can’t go back.”

  “Tell me what that means, beautiful.”

  “It doesn’t matter what it means.”

  “Sophie, it does because nothing you tell me will scare me away. I want you in whatever way you need me to. I’m too far gone to stop.”

  She turns her head and stares blankly at the wall, shutting me out. “You should go, Kipton.”

  “I thought we had a date?” I’ll do anything to spend a few more minutes with her. Even if I have to beg because I get the impression if I walk out now, she and I will be nothing more than a distant memory.

  She shakes her head no. “I want to rest.”

  “Do you want to watch a movie here instead? We don’t have to go to the one on the field.” Please say yes.

  She pauses for a few seconds, her eyes scanning my entire face. “Why me?” Her sparkling blue eyes look like they’re a moment away from releasing whatever pain she’s holding hostage inside of her.

  “Why not you?” I question.

  “Pfft. I can give you a million reasons.”

  I decide to challenge her. “Name one.”

  Rolling her eyes, she huffs and shifts in the bed. “We wouldn’t work. I don’t have any spare time when I’m in the gym and you’re too big of a distraction, Kipton. If you haven’t noticed I make shitty decisions when I’m around you.”

  I shake my head back and forth. “I don’t buy it for a second, beautiful. That’s a lame ass excuse and you know it.”

  “Fine, then you come up with a reason why we would work since you have all the answers.”

  My response is automatic. “Because it would kill me to see you with someone else, Sophie.”

  Seeming shocked by my answer, it takes her a minute to even blink. When she finally does, a stray tear falls down her cheek as soon as her eyelashes meet. Watching its descent, I lean over and catch the droplet with my tongue. My taste buds soak up the salty mixture of sadness. Her hands rise to rest on my shoulders for a brief second before she digs her nails into my skin as she fights for control of her emotions. There’s no pain because her tiny fingertips send a shock wave though the fabric of my T-shirt, resuscitating my hopeful heart. I know she wants this too.

  Without another word spoken, her lips tangle with mine in the most innocent way before our tongues eventually meet. She’s challenging my body to either stay in control or break free. When her hands move from my shoulders and glide down my back, I make a split second decision and gently move over top of her, wedging my leg between hers. She keeps her lips locked with mine
while exploring with her hands. “Off,” she mumbles against my mouth while tugging on my shirt. Reaching behind my neck, I pull it over my head eager to see what she plans to do next. She claws at the blankets between us, trying to get rid of the barrier.

  Helping her, I pull the comforter down so I can touch her body. Sliding my hands under her shirt and over her stomach, she sucks in her toned abs when I move to kiss the soft skin around her belly button. Moaning softly, she gives me the confidence I need to continue.

  “Kipton,” she whispers.

  I raise my head to look at her, but her eyes are closed. “Is this okay, Sophie?” She nods her head but I need her words. “I need to hear you, beautiful.”

  “Yes, don’t stop.”

  “Put your arms above your head.” She follows my direction and I easily pull her shirt off. Left in her pink lace bra, I pull the straps off her shoulders. Without removing it entirely, I inch the lace away from her chest. Her back arches as she anticipates my next move. Flicking her pebbled nipples with my tongue, she responds instantly.

  “Please, don’t’ make me wait. I need you, Kipton. Make me feel something else—something good.”

  “I’m right here, Sophie. You have me.” I don’t understand her request entirely, but I give her what she wants anyway. We can discuss her second request later. I reach my hand inside her yoga pants and slip under the lace of her panties, touching her wetness. “Sophie, shit.”

  “Yes, Kipton. More.” She grinds against my hand and while I’m content getting her off like this, she sits up. I try to remove my hand from her pants but she stops me, instead reaching for the button on my shorts. Fumbling to release it, she pulls down the zipper before I have to break contact to finish removing my shorts along with my boxer briefs. Her eyes are fixated on my dick and it twitches from the desire in her eyes. Before I take my place on the bed, she removes the remainder of her own clothing and waits for me.

  We kiss slowly at first, my hands discovering every inch of her skin I haven’t yet touched. She reaches her arms around my waist to pull my body on top of hers. The skin to skin connection is intense, but she’s so tiny I’m afraid I’m hurting her, so I use my knees to take some of the pressure off her body. I want nothing more than to be inside her, but I have to be sure this is what she wants. “You’re sure, Sophie? We can stop whenever you want.”

  “I need this. Don’t make me wait.”

  “Beautiful, I don’t have a condom with me.” My damn wallet is in my fucking car. Figures the one time I’m not prepared, I‘m given the perfect opportunity to claim my girl. I expect her to end this once I tell her the truth, but instead, she grabs my face in both of her hands. Sucking on my bottom lip, I groan from the sexiness. In between kisses, she surprises me again. “It’s okay, just pull out.”

  I’m hesitant at first, wanting to do things the right way with her, but when she tightens her legs around me and I brush against her wetness, that’s all the confirmation I need to slide inside her. Her heat blows my mind and while I want to take it slow for her, I have to move. Her soft moans mixed with little grunts of pleasure encourage me even more. Wanting her to experience the same sweet ache of pleasure I am, I reach down between her legs to help her find her release. She jumps the second I touch her. “Kipton, ohmigod.”

  Like two greedy lovers in need of a fix, we both savor each push and pull. A thin sheen of sweat breaks out over my body as I use every ounce of restraint inside of me to make sure she’s thoroughly satisfied before pulling out and coming on her stomach. It’s intense and she watches the entire time. I’ve never had a connection with someone the way we do.

  My arms begin to shake from holding myself up, so I grab a tissue from the box next to the bed and clean her off before flopping down next to her—completely exhausted. Carefully, I roll onto my side so we both comfortably fit on her small twin bed. Pulling her close, she willingly melts into my chest for a brief moment before scooting away and sitting up.

  She pulls the sheet off the bed and wraps it around her body. Standing up, she carefully puts her shirt on without ever dropping the sheet an inch. I’ve seen her entire body naked, yet she’s suddenly self-conscious. She does the same with her pants, leaving her bra and panties lying on the bed.

  “You’re body’s amazing, Sophie, you don’t have to hide it from me.” She finally glances in my direction, but it feels more like she’s looking through me than at me. Her sudden detachment doesn’t make sense. She was present every second our bodies were joined.

  “You should go, Kipton. I don’t want you to, but you need to.”

  Sitting up, I look at her like she’s lost her damn mind. There’s no way in hell she’s kicking me out after we had sex. At least not until she explains herself. “Excuse me?” I question, when all other words fail me.

  “You should go,” she replies softly.

  “Are you fucking kidding me right now?” I raise my voice louder than I should, but this time, I don’t apologize for it. I’m pissed and she needs to know I won’t play games. Either she’s in or she’s out because tonight wasn’t just a casual fuck by any means.

  “I told you before you climbed into my bed that I can’t do relationships.”

  “So you’re going to ignore everything that happened?” I’m standing in the middle of her room naked as the day I was born arguing with a girl about kicking me out. Karma is a bitch.

  She shakes her head. “No, it was good.”

  “Good? It was more than that, Sophie, and you know it.”

  “Kipton, nothing’s changed. I wanted that as much as you did, but I can’t have this.” She gestures between the two of us alluding to our connection. “I’m sorry.”

  I pick up my discarded clothing as quickly as I can, stumbling a few times while trying to put my shorts back on. She wants me to believe this was purely physical, but the way her body responded to mine, it was so much more than that.

  I may be angry about the stunt she pulled, but I don’t want to argue with her. This goes far beyond gymnastics and I need to know why she’s so damn hesitant. I try like hell to keep my damn mouth shut, but I can’t. It has a mind of its own. “I know you crave me too, Sophie. You can go on pretending you don’t, but we both know the truth.” I walk closer to her and she turns her head. “You want me as much as I fucking want you.”

  She doesn’t look at me. Instead she stands by the door with her arms folded protectively across her chest. As mad as I am at her for not taking what’s hers, I still can’t deny the way I’m drawn to her. I should be humiliated, I’m being kicked out, but instead, I feel sorry for her. Cara warned me she has a wicked past, but if she’s not willing to open up to me about it, I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to fix the way she feels. So if all she wants right now is a quick fuck, then I have no choice but to give it to her.

  “I don’t know why you want to deny it, Sophie, but you know I want you. And not for what we just did. I want you because for the first time in my life, I needed a girl. My past isn’t all rainbows and butterflies either, but I care about you enough to work through my own bullshit to change. I’m sure Cara’s told you a bunch of shit, but whatever she’s told you is in the past. I’ve changed for you, Sophie. I’m not that guy anymore. So if that’s what is holding you back, don’t let it.”

  “This isn’t about you, Kipton. Not at all.”

  “Then what, Sophie? Please help me understand.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Can you honestly look me in the eye and deny you want me?” I pause, waiting for her to change her mind and run into my arms, but when she doesn’t move, I know we’re done. Silence fills the room. “I guess this was a mistake.” This time it’s me brushing past her, leaving her alone with her thoughts.

  She closes the door as soon as I’m completely through, not even bothering to watch me leave. Standing in the hallway with one hand on the knob, I lean my head against the wood. When a strangled cry leaves her, it takes all I have to keep from going back inside.
But this is what she wanted and as wrong as it is, I’ll walk away.

  “I GUESS THIS WAS A mistake.”

  Sobbing, I slide down the closed door into a heap on the floor. He could have said anything to me and I would have been okay. Anything—except that. Like a knife slicing my skin open, his words gut me. Kipton’s words are just like his.

  But he’s not.

  I’m too scared to want him, yet terrified that if I walk away; I’ll never feel the way I feel when I’m with him. “We aren’t a mistake, Kipton.” I cry into my hands. My body shakes from the pain of his words. He doesn’t know what I’ve lived through. He doesn’t know the emptiness inside me and I don’t know how to let him in.

  What have I done?

  Maybe I’m the one who made the mistake.

  I kicked him out.

  Crouching tightly into the corner of my room next to the door, I hyperventilate. Nobody understands. Love has always been my number one enemy and now that I met Kipton, I don’t know how to find acceptance. I’ve spent so many years hating, I’m not sure how to do anything else. Because I do—care about him. Yet I’m petrified of the backlash love has shown me over the years—of being let down and dismissed time and time again.

  I take deep cleansing breaths through my nose and out my mouth. My chest isn’t quite as tight—my fingers only slightly tingling. Replaying Kipton’s gentle touches in my mind over and over, my heart rate decreases, the sweating stops, and finally my anxiety levels out. I rest my head against the wall and the tears return without any provoking. But I’m not spiraling with anger this time. No, this time, I’m simply sad. It’s over.

  The door opens and I’m shifted farther to the side. Cara slips in quietly. I should move, but I don’t have the strength.