Lighter

by Gia Riley

  With it being Thirsty Thursday on campus, Cara’s been trying to get me to go to a party with her all week. I told her I’d consider it. The last thing I want to do is risk running into Kipton, but I can’t keep pushing her away. Eventually, I’ll have to see him again in a social setting. While a month of not speaking has been helpful to keep my training on track and my anxiety low, it’s been pure torture at the same time. A part of me is excited to catch a glimpse of Kipton.

  Since we had sex, I’ve fallen asleep to memories of our connection almost every night. By replaying him kissing me over and over, I’m able to fall asleep in a blissful state of hyperawareness. On nights I get lucky enough, we meet up in my dreams and get even more comfortable with one another. I never push him away when I’m asleep. If only I could be the same girl during the daytime.

  Finishing up my shower, I change in the bathroom so I’m not naked in front of Tyler when I return to my room. It would be disrespectful to his girlfriend, not to mention he and I don’t operate that way around each other. It’s refreshing.

  I open my door quietly, so I don’t interrupt his studying. “How’s it going?”

  “I’m finishing up. I don’t know how you manage to write everything down, but I’m thankful you do. This will make catching up so much easier. Although next time, I’m using a copy machine.” He shakes out his writing hand and I laugh.

  “You’re welcome. I’m glad they’re useful to someone because I like taking notes way more than studying them.”

  “I don’t like it either. Oh, before I forget. Kipton called.”

  Freezing in place, my face heats. Tyler doesn’t know everything about our history, yet I’m embarrassed at the mention of his name. So much that my hands are shaking causing me to drop my towel twice while trying to hang it up on the hook in the closet. I take a deep breath before responding, making sure my voice is even and nonchalant. “Was he looking for Cara?”

  “Yeah. He asked for her, but he asked for you too after I told him she left with Drew.”

  I spin around on my heel in surprise. “He did?”

  Smiling, Tyler packs up his notebook and places mine on my desk. “I assume you two are well acquainted.”

  “Somewhat. He’s Cara’s brother.” I start applying my makeup so I have to look into the mirror and away from Tyler’s knowing eyes. Even though he suspects something, I’m grateful he answered the call. I have no idea what I would have done if I’d been the one to hear Kipton on the other end of the line. Knowing my typical response to his voice, I probably would have panicked and hung up on him.

  “And?” he questions.

  “What do you mean?” I play dumb hoping he drops the subject.

  “Nothing. Nevermind.” Thank the lord.

  I finish my makeup and quickly dry my hair before tossing it up in a ponytail. I’ll add some curls to give it some life before I go out tonight. “You ready for dinner?”

  “I’m starving. What do you say we have a cheat meal and get some Tex-Mex? There’s a great place right off Main Street.”

  Shit. That’s close to Kipton’s house. “Sure. Sounds delicious. I could go for a taco.” In reality I’m not sure how my stomach will hold up. Since ending contact with Kipton, my nightmares have come back in full force. Almost every night I’ve been rushing to the bathroom in the middle of the night, replacing horrible memories with the calmness of a purge. The after effects have been making eating difficult with my stomach often protesting what I put inside it.

  The walk is quiet at first before Tyler breaks the silence. “You okay, Soph?”

  “I think so.”

  “It was the phone call wasn’t it?”

  I nod my head. “He’s a hard guy to forget.”

  “Why do you have to forget him?”

  “I have my reasons. It’s complicated, I guess.”

  “It usually is when it’s right.”

  “Seriously? I thought it was supposed to be easy when you’re with the right person.”

  “Nope. I’m with the right girl and never get to see her. If that’s not complicated I don’t know what is.”

  Here I am worrying about avoiding Kipton and Tyler would do anything for a chance to see his girlfriend on a daily basis. “I’m sorry. That would really suck. You must miss her a lot.”

  “I do.” For a brief moment his own protective shield falls, but he doesn’t let it stay that way for long. “But enough of the serious shit. Let’s eat ourselves into a food coma.”

  “I’m game.”

  It turns out I couldn’t stop at one taco—or two. Inhaling my entire main dish along with corn bread, beans, and rice, I’m stuffed by the time we leave the restaurant. The flavors were outrageous although harsh on my scratchy throat. It’s nice to taste something other than the bland dining hall food though.

  “You want to stop for frozen yogurt while we’re at it?” Tyler asks.

  “I can’t eat another bite, but if you want some, we can.” Silently I pray he doesn’t want to stop. My stomach can’t handle it.

  “I guess you’re right. We did enough damage with the tacos.” He rubs his distended stomach and I laugh.

  “I’ll race you back.” Taking off, I turn this into a game when in reality, I’m only running because I’m close to throwing up.

  “Sophie!” He yells after me. Not one to pass up a challenge, he takes the dare and sprints alongside me with ease. “Can we stop now? I’m going to throw up if I keep this pace.”

  “You wimp. Are you going to let a girl beat you?”

  “Hell no!” He kicks it up a notch and zips past me. His body inches further and further away from me. Spotting the dorm in the distance, I keep it in my sights knowing that’s the end goal. No match for his longer legs or speed, we meet up again by the fountain. “So what do I get for winning?” he questions triumphantly.

  “The honor of knowing you can kick my ass any day of the week.” I clap for him and continue walking. “In running that is. I’d wipe the floor with you on the beam.” It’s my best event and he knows it.

  “Considering guys don’t even compete on the beam, Sophie. I’d say you’re right about that.”

  He walks me to the front door and gives me a hug. “Thanks for the notes.”

  “Thank you for dinner.”

  “You’re welcome. See you tomorrow.” We part ways and I run inside the rec room, finding the first available bathroom. After some trial and error, I’ve discovered it’s the least used bathroom in the dorm. As expected, the stalls are all empty and I waste no time sticking my fingers down my throat, helping my body find relief. It doesn’t take much of my own effort before I gag repeatedly, the heat of the spices from the tacos burning my throat and nose. I try to slow down, to ease the stinging pain, but it doesn’t help. Combined with the acidity of my stomach, I’ve created a volcanic eruption of molten lava. I knew it was a bad idea to eat that much considering I’ve been struggling with soup.

  I’ve gotten better at gauging when I’ve completely purged. There’s no specific evidence, but rather a notion from within. Satisfied, I wipe the tears from my watery eyes, the exertion causing every muscle to tighten up. I reach for the flusher and pause. Gasping, there’s blood in the toilet and on the back of my hand. It’s happened before, but never this much. With my throat comparable to the grit of sandpaper, I know I have to give myself a rest from vomiting. This isn’t healthy. But I feel ten times better now that I’ve gotten it out of my system. It’s not the same high that comes with a real purge though; this is done out of necessity rather than to right a wrong.

  “Was that you in there? Jesus, Sophie,” Cara says.

  I hate being caught. It makes me feel even more shameful than I already do. “My Mexican fiesta didn’t agree with me at all.”

  She eyes me warily, but says no more about the subject. “Are we still going out tonight?”

  “Yeah. I’m fine. That’s if you still want to go.”

  “You’re not sick?” She questions.<
br />
  “Not anymore. I’m doing better actually.” I’ll be one hundred percent as soon as I chug a Gatorade and brush my teeth.

  She claps, her excitement spilling over to me. “Okay. I’m so excited to hang out again. Let’s leave in an hour. I have to stop by Drew’s quickly, but I’ll only be a minute.”

  I flick my ponytail. “Sure. I’ll start working on this mop of hair.”

  My mind still reeling from seeing blood in the toilet, I turn my attention to my hair and work on making myself look presentable. If I do run into Kipton tonight, I don’t want to look like shit. Maybe someday there will be a chance for the two of us to reconnect. Until then, I’ll continue to visit him safely in my dreams where I don’t have to worry about if he’ll leave me, or grow to hate me.

  “Do you want to borrow something to wear?” Cara asks as soon as she returns to our room.

  “I know you won’t approve of anything I have.”

  She laughs and shakes her head in agreement. “Here, wear this jean skirt you wore last time and try this tank top with it. You can wear the same boots too.”

  I hold up the top, taking in the sparkly sequins lining the front. Is she trying to make me look like a disco ball? “The same skirt and boots? Won’t people notice?”

  “I hate to break it to you, Sophie, but your clothes didn’t stay on long enough for anyone to notice other than asshat Caleb. Please try to keep your distance from him tonight. You have a better shot of staying clothed that way.”

  Rolling my eyes, I know she’s right. “I can’t argue with you there. There will be no excessive drinking or nakedness tonight, Cara. I promise.”

  Laughing she snorts. “You said that last time and look what happened.”

  Man she’s going for the jugular tonight. “You made your point, Cara,” I remind her.

  “Sorry. Kipton won’t let anyone else touch you anyway.”

  “He won’t be keeping tabs on me all night.” Will he?

  “You are so clueless, Sophie. My brother still has it bad for you.”

  “Not anymore.” I made sure of that.

  “You do realize that avoiding him won’t work forever and eventually you’re going to give in and have wild monkey sex again.”

  “Cara!” I clutch the top to my chest as my mouth hangs open in shock. “What do you mean again?”

  “Oh come on, I know you two did it. Now you’re both avoiding each other and it’s because of me. So tonight I vow to change that. I’m reuniting you both, making it clear that I don’t have a problem with you two dating. I thought I had already made that clear, but apparently not. You two are a pain in the ass when you’re tiptoeing around one another. Make out already! You’re sad. I see it in your eyes. I don’t want you to be.”

  Feeling the blood drain from my face, I sit down on the edge of my bed. “Maybe I’ll stay in tonight. You go without me.” I don’t want her to play matchmaker. This has nothing to do with her opinion of the two of us together. It’s about my choices—how I need things to be for my own sanity.

  She pulls me by the arm off the bed. “Oh no you don’t. Now let’s go see Kipton and get you laid.” Shoving me to the closet, she picks up the skirt and sticks it in my hand. “Change.”

  “Cara! He’s your brother! You can’t say those things.”

  “I told you I don’t care. I’d rather he picks you over some blond bimbo with fake knockers and a nonexistent IQ. Think about it, whoever he marries I’ll have to be around all the time. I refuse to set myself up for torture if I can help it. Now move it, woman.”

  “You know I’m a blonde right?”

  She shoves me forward again. “Yes, I do. But you’re not a moron and your boobs are small. Keep it moving.”

  Looking down at my chest, I sigh. Well she’s right about that. I slide on the jean skirt and am surprised when it hangs off my hips. This can’t be the same skirt as last time. “Cara, are you sure this is the same skirt?”

  “Yes, why?”

  “Just checking.” I grab a belt from my wardrobe and fasten it around my waist. I’d like to credit the weight loss to my conditioning, but I’m not stupid enough to believe it doesn’t have something to do with getting sick all the time either. I’ll have to start doing a better job of resisting.

  I THOUGHT WE’D BE ONE of the early arrivals at the party, but the house is already full. Without question, Caleb is manning the keg, dishing out pick-up lines as fast as the cups fill with beer. Cara stops me near the keg. “Sophie, can you grab my beer. If I don’t pee right now I’m going to explode.”

  “Sure. I’ll wait for you by the stairs.”

  “Thank you!”

  She dashes off and I laugh at her urgency. “Hey, Good Lookin’. You back for more?”

  “Nope. Not tonight. I’m getting Cara a beer.” Caleb eyes me appreciatively and slowly fills Cara’s Solo Cup.

  “You’re looking extra hot tonight. You sure you don’t want a drink?” he questions.

  I shake my head. “Nope. I’m good.” I don’t need any motivation to act like a fool again. This is my second party; surely I’m wiser this time around.

  “That’s a shame. You’d have more fun if you drank.” He hands me back the cup, overflowing slightly with sticky white foam. “Sorry about the head.”

  I narrow my eyes at him. “The what?”

  “Head. The foam.”

  That’s a new one for me. “Oh. It’s fine.”

  “I forgot you’re new to this party thing. Lick your finger, then stick it in and swirl it around. It’ll make it all better.”

  I stare at the cup watching the bubbles slowly pop. I’m not molesting the beer. Cara can do whatever she wants with her cup. “Thanks for the tip.” I roll my eyes and walk away.

  “Hey, Sophie.”

  Looking back at Caleb over my shoulder, he nods his head signaling me to come back over. “Yeah?”

  “You’re overdressed. Let me know when the show starts.”

  Scoffing in disgust, I smack him in the chest and walk away. He laughs at my reaction and keeps pouring beer. Nobody is getting a repeat performance out of me.

  Waiting for Cara, I lean against the stairwell and sway back and forth to the music. As I scan the room, waiting for her, I notice commotion over by the Tiki bar. As a few bodies part, leaving a small area to peer through the crowd, I’m reminded of the power of alcohol. Lying on the bar is a gorgeous girl with her shirt pulled up, exposing her flat stomach. Taking a body shot out of her belly button, Kipton looks like he’s having the time of his life. Behind him, there’s another girl running her hands up his back underneath his shirt. I wanted to see him tonight, but I never imagined he would be doing that.

  I sink into the corner of the room, wanting to disappear into the ancient wallpaper. If I could wash my eyes out with soap to remove the racy image I would. Gone is the reminder of his lips touching mine, of him inside me, kissing around my belly button. As crushed as I am, I know it’s my own fault for pushing him away. Did I really expect someone like him to fight for me? No.

  “I’m back. The line was forever long. What’d I miss?” Cara asks.

  “Eh. Not too much. Caleb told me to get naked and your brother’s doing body shots off some hooker over there while another gropes him from behind.”

  Cara stands on her tippy toes and peeks around a few dancing bodies. “What is he doing! Who are those girls?”

  When Kipton helps body shot goddess off the top of the bar, I see it’s her. The girl he was talking to outside of my dorm. The one he touched. The one he said he didn’t make plans with. I should have known better than to believe him. I can’t compete with all of that even if I wanted to. She looks straight off a runway with her chic wardrobe and perfect body. Instantly, my mood shifts from jealousy to annoyance. It’s time to get even.

  Looking around the room, I don’t see anyone I know besides Caleb. As much as I don’t want to lead him on, he’s my only option. The fact that Kipton isn’t his biggest fan makes me
all the more eager to get to him. “I want to dance, Cara.”

  “I thought you don’t like to dance?” she questions.

  I smile and shake my ass. “Tonight, I love it.”

  “Oh hell. What are you up to, Sophie?”

  “Nothing I can’t handle.” Sashaying over to the keg, I tap Caleb’s arm. He finishes filling the cup in his hand and bends down to hear me speak. “Do you have to pour beer all night?”

  Looking confused, yet hopeful, he shakes his head. “No. Why?”

  “Will you dance with me?”

  Smiling from ear to ear, he drops the tap and turns to face me. Towering over my small body, he beams, “I thought you’d never ask.” I take his hand and he leads us into the throng of sweaty bodies grinding on the dance floor. I search for Kipton and see him kissing both girls at the same time—a triple kiss. Gasping, I cover my mouth in shock. Tongues and lips are all over each other. It’s filthy and everything a guy would dream of—it’s everything I’m not.

  The more I tell myself not to care, to forget him, the more I find myself drawn to him. I thought giving my body to Kipton would help me move on. But now that I know what it feels like to have him inside me, I realize one time with him will never be enough. He made me feel—he made me come alive.

  Caleb pulls me close, our bodies touching at every possible connecting point. There aren’t any sparks and definitely no fireworks booming in the sky. The only way I can make dancing with him believable is to pretend he’s Kipton. And the second I replace his blond hair with Kipton’s dark brown color, I close my eyes and get lost in the memory of his touch. Working myself up to the point of needing release, Caleb’s own arousal is stiff against my back. His hands roam to my chest and down to the waistband of my skirt where he slides the tips of his fingers beneath my belt to graze my lower belly. Everything about his touch is wrong, but since I’m envisioning Kipton in my mind, it’s incredible. Moaning, I lean my head onto Caleb’s shoulder. He spins me around so I’m facing him. “Jump up and wrap your legs around me, Sophie.”